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Wedgewood1976 · Oct 27, 2009, 02:55 AM

Hi all,

About 5 moths ago I separated from my wife and 3 kids. It was largely her decision and the reason she gave was 'i don't want it anymore'.

Our marriage was not that bad and it came as a shock not only to me, but close friends and family too (both sides). The only major change that happened before we broke up was my wife decided to contact her father who she had not seen for about 27 years (since she was 5). After that everything seemed to take second place, including the kids. I found this hard to take and we evntually ended up splitting (about 3 months after she first contacted him). It seems to me like she had gone from being a mother to being a child again.

Anyway, I spent the first few months begging, pleading etc doing all the stuff that does not help. For the last few months I have been working on getting myself sorted out, been to the dentist, become domesticated and started exercising again (run about 5k per day). I have however started texting my wife recently after a period of a few months of minimal contact. She almost always responds, but does not seem to initiate any contact. I have come to realise that I don't NEED her back but would like to give it another go. I have also changed (yes really), but don't want to tell her directly. I also wrote her a letter about a month ago telling her she was right to break us up and I agreed with her (as I felt at the time).

It is also her birthday soon (on the weekend) and was wondering how to handle it. I have got her a small inexpensive gift from the kids, but she will realise that I put some thought into it.

Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance.

dustdevil · Oct 27, 2009, 03:29 PM

Good question. Do you try to start over just dating, like you've never met the person before, or try to go back to normalicy, or something in between?

Wish I knew, I'm going through the same thing. Good luck bro.

Jake2008 · Oct 27, 2009, 10:42 PM

If you have been separated for five months now, and she makes no effort to contact you, it seems pretty clear that this is permanent to me.

The only thing I can think of, if you are seriously wishing to try to reconcile, is ask her. Maybe ask her out for coffee in a neutral place, and have a sit down, face to face conversation about the possible future of your relationship. Maybe she is waiting for you to do that. You won't know until you ask her, what her intentions are.

As to her birthday, I see nothing wrong in buying her a gift. Maybe a nice box of chocolates, but nothing over the top.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2009, 06:09 AM

Do you think her contact with her long lost father had anything to do with the changes she has made?

I would give her space, and focus on keeping a good strong connection with your kids. They need you a lot more than your wife does.

redhed35 · Oct 31, 2009, 06:26 AM

It would seem the 'lost child' came to the surface when your wife made contact with her father...

Years of abandonment issues,trust issues and most likely relationship issues were now at a stage that she could address them..

She is relearning about herself,and facing her own demons from the past,and rekindling a 'father/daughter' relationship.

That as you can imagine takes up a whole lot of head and heart space.

What seems to have gotten lost is her commitment to her marriage,I can't say if she will return when 'the new love'ie,the relationship with her father settles into a routine.

As for the gift, the gift if you want is to let her know you still love her,if she really wants out,there's not much you can do...

The sad thing about your post is that you and her could have gone on this journey of self discovery together...

I guess my advice is,this is still new to her,have a really good talk,and let her talk,listen!

Really listen to what she is saying and what she has learned,perhaps she has changed as much as you.

Perhaps this new women will be different to the women you once knew.

Catsmine · Nov 1, 2009, 04:54 AM

I'm not clear on something. Did she leave the kids with you or with her?

In any case, your children need you whether the relationship with her ever starts up again or not. Be there for them, and who knows, seeing that her kids' father isn't going to leave them out in the cold like hers did may score some points.