[likestolaugh]

Ok, so my sex life rather sucks (I know, a common complaint). I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over 10 months, and we don't have sex much. Maybe once a week... it took us a while to actually sleep together in the first place (maybe 2 months)... and we never really got into the habit I suppose. I'm having a problem initiating things with her... she's often tired (thus not wanting sex), often really stressed (thus feeling crappy and not wanting sex. She seems to always want sex to mean something important EVERY single time... she doesn't understand that sex can be just sex on occasion (when you've been with someone for a while). The last time we actually had sex, it wasn't great, (but we have had great sex together before)... this was 2 weeks ago.

She's very much the type that wants me to take charge, but the problem there is that she often ends up just lying there with me giving her pleasure (until penetration, at which point she seems to have more life). I might pleasure her for a good 15 minutes, but if I ask her for a ******* she do it for maybe 1 or 2 min... She says what I do to her in foreplay does feel amazing though :/

She says she's attracted to me (she's a horrible liar, so I believe her), and we both do love each other. I don't know how to initiate sex with her... making out doesn't work... kissing her all over doesn't work... taking charge and bringing her to bed doesn't work... all the things I used to do with easy results in past relationships don't do anything here. Help! How does everyone initiate sex that feels like it comes naturally?

(p.s. the standard answer of giving her a massage... a massage won't work. If she stays lying down for any length of time without doing anything she may fall asleep. Anyway, I've tried this, and it didn't work.)

[Synnen]

1. Make sure she's getting enough sleep
2. Help eliminate the stress in her life.

Sorry, but for women, being tired and stressed are usually ABSOLUTE libido killers. You can press EVERY button right, but if either or both of those two things (tired and stressed) is present, then the libido just Isn't there.

What does SHE say would work for her?

[jmjoseph]

I think you should learn how to be more romantic. Set the mood, if she wants a reason to have sex, give it to her. Foreplay can be mental too.

Read the book " The Sensuous Man". It'll get you going in the right direction.

[likestolaugh]

I've tried everything to help her de-stress. When she's stressed, it is all-consuming for her and nothing I do gets rid of it... I've tried setting the mood, making her a wonderful dinner, complementing her (and meaning it), massages, everything... and nothing works.

She tells me I'm very romantic, and I know she's told her friends this too...

By the way we're both in our mid-20's...

[likestolaugh]

What does SHE say would work for her?

And I've asked her this very thing. She says she doesn't know.

Anyway, the things that often cause her stress are often her own doing (such as the results of being lazy at university)... I'm not going to mollycoddle her and tell her she's fine if she's bringing it on herself. This isn't to say I'm not good to her... I am, and she says it often. It's just the sex which sucks in our relationship.

[rockie100]

Do you know of her past sexual relationships/ incounters. It only takes one bad situation, (involving sex) to change ones view of being intimate. This could very well be about stress, but her not being able to explain what her likes are is concerning.

[likestolaugh]

Yes... I know about her past. There was nothing traumatic (like rape or anything)... from what I understand, they were pretty standard relationships...

I have asked her if something like this has happened with a past boyfriend ans she said yes.

Sometimes I wonder if she's depressed.

[rockie100]

Maybe you should suggest she visit her doctor. Tell her it would not only be in interest of her health, but also your relationship. Explain to her all your conserns sexual, and non sexual. i.e. stressed, being tired-

[shazamataz]

Is she on any birth control (the pill, depo, implanon etc.. )
I know they can be libido killers, the hormones really mess with some people bodies.

A visit to the doctor to get her hormone levels tested can help resolve that if there is a problem there.

[kp2171]

Just adding to the great answers you've been given... stress and being tired individually each can be libido killers. Depression alone is as well.

Hormone imbalances can absolutely do this, in both men and women. I think its an absolute shame that many doctors will gladly prescribe the little blue pill before they ever think about checking a man's hormone levels. It's a simple blood test.

Uhm... and then there is the real possibility you are simply two different people with two very different drives.

Also... what does great sex mean? Do you have reason to believe she can hit orgasm? Does she respond differently to oral? Is she more responsive in the morning or night?

[likestolaugh]

Nope, she's not on any birth control...

[likestolaugh]

We may be different with our sex drives... I don't know... she says she had more of one when she was younger... (we're in our mid 20's). It doesn't bother me if we don't do it more than even twice a week... but the current rate is alarming to me.

She reaches orgasm every time we have sex. She reaches it REALLY easily actually... many times she'll orgasm faster than me (too fast sometimes in fact lol). She doesn't like oral sex (never has)... but I have reason to believe that she can if done properly. I don't know... we'll give it a shot again someday I suppose. Her times of day that she's best are generally mid morning or afternoon. She can't have sex if she's hungry, because then she gets tired. Sometimes I think she focuses too much on how she's feeling, and so it gets amplified.

[kp2171]

You say she gets there every time... is that with her in "control"... like woman on top? Or regardless of position or control?

You said she likes you to initiate... a couple of questions...

Are you comfortable with this? Feeling that you aren't getting enough in return? I ask this for perspective. Personally, I'm at my best when there is quid pro quo. More than happy to chase a girl, but there needs to be some real response... I like feedback. And one lover insisted I always initiate AND keep things going... and honestly, it wasn't fun long term for me... I'm more than glad to start the chase, but I like being chased too... that's just me...

So I'm wondering how much she needs to be "pushed" to that place... and how satisfying it is for you to have to do all the "work" to get her there. It can work for some. Personally, I like give and take... and if I'm feeling I have "all the responsibility" of initiating, propagating, and finishing...

Well hell... I can do that all by myself.

[likestolaugh]

Well she seems to get there every time mostly either through missionary position or through me stimulating her with my hand. She seems to only like positions where she can rub her while I penetrate her. Therefore she doesn't like being on top (shame, since I kind of like it... we won't do it long when we do). Also only certain missionary positions will do... (because she wants to rub herself at the same time).

No, I'm not entirely comfortable with it. During foreplay she will stroke me while I'm doing something to her... but I'm left wondering if wild animal sex is ever going to be possible with her if she doesn't ever get off her back. I like giving her pleasure, as I know it feels good for her... but I guess I just wish she'd be more passionate about her reciprocation.

Again, I think she's turned on by me... I just don't know how to get her to be "in the mood" so to speak... none of things most people seem to do works here...

[kp2171]

Personally... my experience... and this is mine, not any kind of standard... is the more a woman is willing to self stim during sex, the better.

At this point, I don't give a damn whether its my wet finger, her fingers, or a vibe doing the extra work... the "fact" is the women who self stim during sex get the closure they need.

And I honestly think its sexy as sin.

It is a "statement" of "I will not be denied"...

And a product of anatomical design... here.. lets place an area away from direct contact that has twice the innervation as the penis... how's that for twisted logic in design?

Personally, id encourage her to self stim during sex. It opens the door to your being willing to work with her needs... it allow you to see what she needs when...

But that's not why you logged in here and posted.

You want to be chased and you aren't being chased and that pi$$es you off. Been there myself.

I can only speak for me. I will say this... one of the greatest loves of my life... she was a sexual disaster for me. Never interested when I was. Loved being chased but wouldn't reciprocate. Just too many demands and not enough middle ground.

I really, really do believe that a woman must be relaxed and present to be in the moment. The "massage her" comments are aimed at this.. an attempt to help her relax her mind and body to be present and in the moment.

For my ex, a hot shower and a full body massage did the job.

For your lover... it takes her too far too fast.

I'm sorry... but there is a point where I think you need to understand that you are working much, much harder than her to make things work.

And I think you are very near this place.

If you cannot talk to her about your wants and needs... honestly... it is short time.

[likestolaugh]

By the way, thanks for your answers kp :)

We are able to communicate really well, which I consider important... but it seems as if communication in this area isn't changing anything.