[snow124]

Two weeks ago, I met a girl whom I had known online for several years; we had never gotten around to spending time together before although we live about twenty minutes away from each other. We had a good time going to a local festival then coming back to my house to watch some movies.

One week ago, we hung out again to watch some more movies and wound up making out. We spent most of the weekend together. Since then, she's been pretty insistent on seeing me almost daily and has grown pretty attached in such a short time. I'm attracted to her and have enjoyed the time we've spent together, but feel smothered from all the attention and don't want things to burn out.

We've discussed relationships and agree that taking things slow is the best idea - my previous relationship was chronicled in my other posts on the forum; she got out of a 2-year relationship in June. Neither ended well. However, as I live with my parents (I'm 22, graduating from college in December) she's already met my family, and this is otherwise feeling like a relationship in everything but name. After my last relationship, commitment to so much as being in a relationship is intimidating at best, though I wouldn't say I'm interested in dating many girls.

I'm pretty tactless, so I don't know how to bring this up without sounding like a . And I don't want to discard the prospect of a relationship with her in the future just because she's excited about spending time with me - I feel like I should be flattered. But it just seems rushed instead.

I'm going to try talking to her tomorrow about confining our time together to weekends in the interest of my studies, as I'm getting a bit swamped and haven't been terribly productive in the past week. But I'm worried that my inability to say no and not wanting to disappoint anyone may interfere with that.

Any advice?

[talaniman]

Sticky situation. Two weeks is pretty fast, and you admit its to fast for you. Rather than reject her, or make her feel bad, back off by being busy. That may mean limited dating, and no over nights.

Its not what you say and do, its how. The main thing is be considerate, and I say that as I have a feeling your not as into it as she is, but instead of being a nice guy, be a good one. See the difference?

Have fun, and good luck!

[I wish]

Tal is right, you don't need to tell her that she's smoothering you. You can do it indirectly.

Plan ahead with her. Let her know that you're only available during certain times and see if she's free too. If you give her unlimited availabilities, then she will definitely want to see her. But if she let her know that you're busy, but you're still willing to see her, then that seems fairly considerate.

If she can't respect your time, then she's very needy and that's a huge red flag. So watch for that.

Otherwise, just keep getting to know her better, because you're still in the very early stages and enjoy the time you spend together.

[snow124]

Thanks for the advice, you two.

She stayed over the past two nights and spending that much more time together has really confirmed my feelings.

I think I didn't want to discard the idea of seeing her just because someone was interested in me for once - she's an absolutely wonderful person and has many great qualities, but for me, the spark's not there and her interest in me is not reciprocated at the same level.

It would be dishonest of me to continue things with her in this capacity and I don't think it would be beneficial for us to see one another for the time being and I plan to tell her as much.

I pride myself on being honest and feel like I'm severing things before we got remotely serious, but that doesn't keep me from feeling terrible about it. But, I can't help how I feel about her.

[amicon]

It's the decent thing to do -honesty is sometimes rare in this world but you re handling it right.

[snow124]

About to go tell her... wish me luck.

Edit: That went about as well as one could hope. I feel like an , but I think it was for the best.

[snow124]

She got into a car accident tonight, totaled her car, and possibly hurt her neck.

I know it's ridiculous for me to blame myself for this, but she wouldn't have been where she was if not for me having done that today.

[Starry nights]

If I asked you this,its not because I want to offend or humiliate and hurt you or any other man for that matter(though I know I may end up drawing some flak here:D)but why is it that men can't have "relationship talks" with women and tell them,as the relationship progresses and not when things become critical and come to a head,that you might want to go slow,might want to see less of each other,might want to do this or that,you know,just talk things through and sort them out?If she doesn't understand once and provided you feel strongly for her,then she might need to be told more than once.

The way we women see it(if I were in her place),is this : I like a guy.He seems to like me too because he wants to spend time with me and we have loads of fun when we go out.We both have had our share of relationship hurdles so we don't want to spoil anything good between us.So then we go out one day and end up making love.It was really magical and I realised I had started feeling for him.I Don't KNOW IF ITS LOVE,BUT I SURELY WANT TO SEE WHERE IT GOES AND WANT TO SEE IF I CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.

Suddenly,I sense something wrong.He becomes distant and withdraws.Says he's busy at work and can't give me as much time as he used to before.I feel I may have given in too soon by making love with him at such an early stage but That's ONLY COS I REALLY LIKED HIM AND WANTED TO GIVE THIS A CHANCE.IS HE BACKING OFF AFTER MAKING OUT?WISH HE WOULD JUST TALK TO ME AND SHARE What's ON HIS MIND INSTEAD OF KEEPING SILENT.

And then I spend sleepless nights wondering what's wrong,why doesn't he call,why's he avoiding me etc etc till one fine day I meet him and he tells me its over without giving me a chance to even do anything about it.

The obvious question I have is : Why?What did I do so wrong that I scared him off etc etc.

See,Snow,I know what you did was in the best interests of both of you and I am not holding that or anything against you.You did what you had to do and what you felt was right.In fact you did the noble thing of at least ending it with her.Many people don't get that closure.

But,sometimes,maybe men have a tendency to take decisions on their own,all by themselves,even as their partners are left in the dark regarding their inexplicable behaviour.Maybe if you had been direct and upfront and shared your thoughts right in the beginning of the relationship,laid the ground rules,considering as lets face it,even you were also attracted to this girl,so,then maybe you might have been able to create a situation where you could have explored this attraction and see what was in store for you.

Its like a given that we women cling too much or become too needy too fast in relationships and sometimes,we really do that,in turn scaring men off.But sometimes this image of ours,of being needy,clingy,all those adjectives,is only because we feel most comfortable by caring,giving,throwing caution to the winds for the men we love,little realising that this very loving behaviour of ours could tear us apart from the men we love.In such situations,just be patient with us and explain what you feel,so we get it.If required,tell us more than once,fight and argue with us,show us you are willing to face it WITH us and are willing to work on it with us.Otherwise we feel you don't care and aren't bothered if this relationship works or not.

Sorry I may feel very strongly about this issue of men backing off,but if you read my posts here,you will know I had my heart broken by someone who just grew silent,ending the beautiful bond we shared on his own,without ever giving me the slightest of hints that he had any problem with me.And left me feeling like the words of that song for a very very long time : It's a fool's game,nothing but a fool's game,standing in the cold rain,feeling like a clown.

[amicon]

Regarding the accident I hope she ll be fine.
Don't blame yourself as it wasn't your fault.