[Myystque]

My coworker and I have worked together since we both started a few years ago, but I recently realized that I have feelings for him. We've always gotten along very well at work (we always joke around and email each other, go to lunch occasionally, and at conferences, are always together) but I thought of him as a friend because he's not what I considered my "type" in terms of looks, etc. (and I didn't think I was his type), and because I was in a long term relationship.

At the beginning of this year (and while I was still with my ex) the idea occurred to me that my feelings for my coworker might be more than friendly but I quickly dismissed it. Then, months later, after my ex and I finally broke up, I thought about it again and finally admitted it to myself, and then to a close friend of mine who is also a coworker and who happens to be the significant other of my boss (and my love interest's boss). She told me that my boss had already asked her whether we liked each other.

That night, my coworker and I had plans to go to a bar to see a mutual friend. I had actually told my coworker that I might bring a guy I was dating (not the long-term one), but we had ended things for good the night before. As soon as I walked in, he asked me where the guy was and I told him that we weren't talking anymore. He also asked me whether I was ready to consider guys outside my "type," and I answered "yes." Then he said I needed someone with substance and when I asked what he meant, he said, "you know what I'm talking about." So that night ended up with me hanging out with him and his friends, all of us getting drunk, me and my coworker making out, and me spending the night at his house (we didn't have sex and his friends were there too).

The next day we talked on the phone and he said he didn't think it was a good idea to date since we work together. Since then, (and this was back at the end of July), we have flirted on and off at work and have made out a few more times (we also went a bit farther but no sex) but I know he's not going to change his mind about dating while we work together even though he's told me that he does like me and that if we didn't work together, he would go out with me.

I know people might say that he is using me, but I don't think that is the case. He has been the one to stop us from going farther, and I know from what he's told me about his other relationships that he's not like that. Now I don't know what to do because I'm really falling for him. I hope this isn't crazy but I feel like we are really compatible, and that if given the chance, this relationship could turn into something serious. Sometimes one of us will say what the other is thinking, and he is good at recognizing my moods.

I want to know what people think about this situation. If there is really something there on my side and his, can our feelings for each other last long enough until one of us moves on to another job? Does that type of thing happen in real life, or am I just a romantic who is giving herself false hope? Should I try and be patient and wait it out, taking whatever chance I can to hand out with him? Or should I try and move on?

[Clough]

Hi, Myystque!

He seems to have already made a decision as to what's okay and not concerning working with someone and also dating a co-worker. For relationships to be successful, mutual decisions on the parts of both persons need to be in agreement. Things aren't in agreement between the two of you. You want things to happen between the two of you so that the two of you will be a couple of some kind. He doesn't want that, at least in a real intimate sense.

How about keeping your options open and seeing about dating other people rather than waiting on this one guy?

Hopefully, others will also come along to address your question.

Thanks!

[123skyscraper]

I agree with Clough. From what you stated, he has already made that decision. He doesn't want to pursue the relationship as long as you work together. He doesn't love you enough to go through all hassles of dating a co-worker. Believe me, I have been in your shoes. I am not a person to judge at all so when I started talking to girls and guys at the office outside of work, people find out and start gossiping and making things up to satisfy their need for daily gossip. It was not pleasant at all. I could just be going out for coffee with a guy friend and all of a sudden I am dating people that I don't even know I am dating. Like I said, I am not into that social scene to judge people but you are asking for judgment when you date at work. I ended up dating this guy for a few months, and since he didn't care what people think, I had to literally spell it out for him the terms and conditions of how to properly behave at work so I could find a comfort zone. Needless to say it didn't last. I know some work relationships do end in marriage, but very few do. So to sum it all up, I would suggest not dating at work at all.