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bratt_y · Oct 8, 2009, 02:07 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than 7 months, everything was perfect and we have lots of fun together. We lived together for about 5 months and now I live in my own apartment. He has recently asked me for space and time, he says he's confused. I love him so much and I see a future with him, please tell me what I should do?

azif · Oct 8, 2009, 02:30 AM

Give it to him... don't contact him at all so he knows what he is missing

If he loves you he will be back. Stay busy and enjoy yourself in the meantime

bratt_y · Oct 8, 2009, 02:54 AM

Originally Posted by azif

give it to him... dont contact him at all so he knows what he is missing

if he loves you he will be back. stay busy and enjoy yourself in the meantime

Thank you for your reply

I haven't contacted him at all ever since I told him how I feel. Then he came by and got his things and that was the last time (4 days ago) when I saw hi and spoke to him.

I have some of my stuff at his place (not necessary things) and his key, do you think I should make a move and tell him I want to take my stuff and give him his key?

Also, when he came here (to my place) a few days ago, he asked me to join him and his friends to a seminar this weekend which we had to apply to. I have have decided not to go, do you think I should, and when he calls should I talk to him?

qerp32 · Oct 8, 2009, 03:08 AM

Don't go to the seminar, I'd definitely leave it a few weeks at least before collecting your belongings. Depending on the value of them, I wouldn't even bother doing it. As for the calls, its hard to say. You haven't given us that much information, but if he hasn't contacted you for 4 days then I'd definitely be treating this as a break-up. You should continue no-contact and not answer his calls. If he does decide he has made a huge mistake then he'll be very clear in letting you know (i.e. not telling you over the phone) - do not fall for anything less than this!

azif · Oct 8, 2009, 03:13 AM

+1 to advice above

If he collected his stuff it seems like it's a breakup more than likely (my stuff has been at my ex's for almost a month now, I know if I see her ill do something stupid and look desperate - I want her back so much but there's nothing that can be done)

As for your things unless you need them probably avoid it

bratt_y · Oct 8, 2009, 05:46 AM

Originally Posted by qerp32

Don't go to the seminar, I'd definitely leave it a few weeks at least before collecting your belongings. Depending on the value of them, I wouldn't even bother doing it. As for the calls, its hard to say. You haven't given us that much information, but if he hasn't contacted you for 4 days then I'd definitely be treating this as a break-up. You should continue no-contact and not answer his calls. If he does decide he has made a huge mistake then he'll be very clear in letting you know (i.e. not telling you over the phone) - do not fall for anything less than this!

The last time when I went over to his apartment, (that was when I was so hysterical and hurt) and when we were talking, he told me just give me some space and let me be alone for a little bit, I feel that things moved a bit too fast (that's what he said). Then I told him don't do this to us, we're so good together and...

Then he told me, we have two choices, either we break it off, or we give each other a bit of space. And I said fine. That was before the phone call and before he came to get his stuff. I was more calm at the time he came and didn't say much, just asked him if he misses me and he said please don't make this harder than it is. And that was when he asked me to go with him to the seminar. After that I haven't heard from him.

As much as I miss him, I don't want to contact him, no calls and no text messages either. I also believe that he loves me and misses me, he will call and come find me. The worst part to all this is that we were so perfect and had such a great time together. We were like best friends.
I really really miss him and I just hope that he comes to his senses and sees that he loves me. Oh and by the way, before all this happened, the day he returned from his trip, he even told me that our New Years holiday is confirmed and that other people are going to join us! So that's why I'm so confused, because he says all these things and did what he did! Even from the Sates he kept telling me how much he loves me and misses me and then he comes back and says he doesn't know!

I think he has taken my love for granted. By the way, do you think I should talk to one of his friends? She really likes me and we all hung out all the time...

amicon · Oct 8, 2009, 06:10 AM

For whatever reasons he seems to have changed his mind.
Hard as this is you must accept the situation and look after yourself now.
At the top of the page there are stickies with good advice-please read these.
Avoid any contact with him and don't speak to or ask any of his friends what they think.
Breakups are tough but you ll get through this one day at the time.

qerp32 · Oct 8, 2009, 06:13 AM

I can see why you are confused, but I would still treat it as a breakup for now. Let him make some kind of move if he decides he wants to continue with the relationship. That way its win/win, because if he doesn't, you'll already be moving on anyway.

Don't talk to his friend, he may find out and see it as you hassling him still.

I wish · Oct 8, 2009, 06:38 AM

Sounds more like a break up to me. I suggest you leave each other alone unless he wants to get back together. Otherwise, you're just going to get more confused every time you talk to him, because you will be over-analyzing all the little details.

Focus on doing your own thing. If he comes back to you, then great. If he doesn't, you'll be in a better position to move on with your life because you would have started the healing process.

bratt_y · Oct 8, 2009, 06:39 AM

I understand... thank you for your reply, and advise

Unfortunately at this stage and point, as hard as it is, I cannot do anything...

Cat1864 · Oct 8, 2009, 10:41 AM

bratt_y, I hate to say this, but he is playing games with the relationship and your feelings. I wouldn't trust him if he did come back and profess his undying love. His actions don't back that up.

Your New Year's trip, was it originally supposed to be just the two of you? The seminar has other friends going too? It sounds like he is trying to relegate you to the 'friends' category maybe with 'benefits'.

I would relegate him to the past and work on healing from this relationship before finding someone who will care for you as a whole person and a partner in the relationship instead of a toy to be played with when he chooses.

He can work on his confusion much better if there is one less item in the mix.

Go No Contact and other than returning his key and getting your things (if you want them) have NO further contact with him.

Keep yourself busy and work on your self-esteem. You don't deserve to be jerked around like this.

bratt_y · Oct 9, 2009, 12:36 AM

The New Years trip is supposed to be a whole bunch of us and the seminar is also with another couple. But the New Years trip, we have been planing for the past 4 months or so and just when he came back from the States he told me another couple if going to join as well.
I'm not contacting him at all. My girlfriends all told me not to contact him and leave your stuff there and don't bother with anything. They also told me the reason why he's behaving like this is because he knows how much I love him and is sure of it and he knows that I'm there for him, cause unfortunately I have proved that to him. So I guess now is the time I need to turn the tables and prove to him, I'm not just there for you to come run to anytime you want. Because our relationship was really good, and the day he was telling me all this, he tried to look for stupid excuses saying the way I reacted to an argument on some particular day was not right in his mind and bla bla bla...
But I know and I am so sure that he just used excuses and he knows what we have is very special and we are so good together. We have the best of times and he knows that.
But I know with guys when they see everything so good and they see the girl is doing everything for them and is always there, they get overwhelmed and they take you for granted. The challenge has to return to our relationship and he has to see, I have to prove to him, that it's not all that simple.
And my friend told me, the only way he will see that is if I show it by not contacting him at all.
We had an argument about two months ago where he said to me, we're always together, I need my space, you brought all your stuff in here, and maybe things are moving fast. Then when I wanted to take my things back to my apartment, he said no, I don't want you to, why do you have to be so extreme... and all these things. He said I just felt that you are "invading my territory" and I thought you want to bring more things in here so I freaked out.
Anyway, as much as I miss him, love him and everything, I also need to show him that I'm not there and he needs to REALIZE this, he needs to see that he REALLY LOVES ME, and most of all it should come to a point where he REGRETS the things that he said to me, cause they really hurt me.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2009, 01:00 PM

You don't need to show him anything at all. Just leave him alone, and start doing your thing without him.

Moving in with a guy after two months was a bit to fast, and it seemed to have smothered him. Give him time and space, but don't hold your breath waiting for a guy who is just not that interested in you, as you are him.

bratt_y · Oct 10, 2009, 01:22 PM

The quotations are all great, thank you. I know he has a lot on his plate and feels stressed out and I really wish that I could be there for him, I want to be there. But when I think about a lot of things as well, I wish and want him to be there for me also, after all, everything works both way and it's a "couple thing". Both should make the effort.
I am planing on going to his house when he's not there and taking all my things out, I still have things there, after all he did ask for space and I don't want my things to be there. And then I will leave his key as well. When I spoke to my mother about it, she also suggested I take my things out of his place, and I feel it's better this way.
I know I love him with all my heart, and at the end of the day I DON'T want to lose him, but at the same time he should want that as well even though he may have a lot going on in his head with everything. We all have responsibilities in life and we are all financially effected at this time, but you should not push away the people you love most, even if you feel they are with you all the time. I messed up by being with him all the time and taking care of him a lot, but it was all because he appreciated it so much.
I hope things work out...

bratt_y · Oct 11, 2009, 12:09 PM

I'm so confused and restless at this point. I needed to get something's which are items for my work out of his place. So last night I stopped by, called first and asked if he's home. Then I went over, said hi and he went and sat on the couch, I started to move some of my stuff out and he asked if he could help, I was very calm and said no thank you. We didn't say anything to each other, as I came up from my car to take the rest, he had fallen asleep! I told him I'll come back another time, you're tired and I don't want to disturb you. Then I left. I didn't bother going back today. I was on FB and one of he's friends was online, I said hi and we had a quick chat, she didn't ask about him at all, and now that this has happened, I keep relating everything to this matter. I thought maybe he has told people that we broke up and I don't even know it so I look like a fool! Then my friends told me no maybe he just said we're on a break. I keep having all these random thoughts and it drives me crazy.
I still have a lot of personal things and some of my clothes there, what should I do, and the key, what should I do??

sully123 · Oct 11, 2009, 12:21 PM

Unfortunately, bratt_y I would take a step back and do absoltely nothing. Nothing, you seeing him right now will not change things, it will just add more stress on the relationship. I would go my own way for now, and if its meant to be in the near future, then it will happen. Sounds like he needs his space, and whatever reason it is, the relationship moved to fast or whatever, he is the only one that can figure it out right now. He needs time, and you being there for him, isn't going to help it. You can't see that right now, because in your mind you want him back and to make things right. It's way too soon, let him miss you and cut off the contact for quite awhile, till he gets his head together. Good luck

sully123 · Oct 11, 2009, 12:26 PM

Don't do anything, and don't go over to the apt, let him make the moves, don't be available. All the excuses, are to just see him. He isn't quite interested right now, I am not saying he doesn't love you, but he sounds confused. By you being there in his presence, by showing up, is only going to add fuel to the fire. Be scarce, and don't go there, as hard as it is. Guy wants challenges and right now, your not showing him that. I am not saying like go out and find someone else, just work on yourself. If he is interested, he will contact you in the future, DO NOTHING as hard as it is. Don't stop by...

sully123 · Oct 11, 2009, 12:30 PM

Bratt-y we have all been there, at one point in our lives. Your in the midst of it all, and were on the outside. I am just saying if you want this relationship to work eventually or its meant to be, he will find you again, and miss you. But by you showing up, it isn't going to accomplish anything it will only hurt you in the long run.

bratt_y · Oct 11, 2009, 12:35 PM

And what should I do with my stuff that's there?? And his key? Should I go take all my things out? Should I give back his key?

sully123 · Oct 11, 2009, 12:41 PM

Don't do anything bratt_y, even if you have his key. I am sure he has another one.. If he wanted it back he would come over and get it from you. As far as your clothes, do nothing right now, try to do with what you have. If he wants to get them to you, let him. NOT YOU by no means. You have to become independent for now, as hard as it is. You probably think by seeing him and getting your things out of the apt, is going to change things, its not going to for now. He made it clear that he wants space, he needs to think things over, you have to let him miss you if there is ever a chance, stop being available to him. The relationship went way too fast, and the more you see him he is going to go away from it. He thinks in his mind oh she still cares, stop caring for now. It's feeding into him.. If he asks about the seminar, say no for now... show him you are not settling for this...