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nevaeh7 · Oct 2, 2009, 11:08 AM

Hey I'm new to all this, but feel the need to ask for some help, so I'm hopeing that there is someone out there that can help me in some way,
I have been in a relationship now with my partner for just over a year, we have both been friends for very many years, but were both in long term controlling relationships back then.
We have both been single for alost 3 years so haven't rushed into any thing, I'm friends with all of his family, they are kind of my adoptive family, I'm good friends with both his parents and very good friends with his sister, my daughter is 12 and is very good friends with her daughter also, so its all very close but we do maintain our own private lives at the same time.
His mother was the one to push us together to support each other through some very difficult times, and we have slowly become very close indeed and this has led to us having now 1 year together behind us.
While this is all very good and we both get on fantastically, there are some issues that have of late appeared to be confusing me,
As I have previously ststed that we have both been in controlling relatioships we are both taking thigs very slowly and both have children to protect also, our children definitely come first, however all of our children are happy with the idea that we are working together as a couple but he seems to be shying away from the fact that this is now "relationship status"
We have recently had a conversation about where it is we were heading, more because I needed to know where I stood, so I approached it very delicately and asked him hmmm!
My response initially scared him and I went home feeling very hurt, however once he had had time to think he then phoned me to tell me that he had very strong feelings for me and wanted to move forwards together, so that was really cool, not only was he being honest with me about being scared he was ready to deal with things together.
We don't see very much of each other we are both very busy people, I'm at colledge full time he at worh full time and we have children so we may meet up once maybe twice in a week.
Now while imnot moaning about the time we spend together, it seems that I am the one doing all the asking, ad since the "conversation he has seemed to backoff somewhat so im very confused about what and how and all of that.
Its a very difficult situation because of his previous relationship, he was knocked for 6 so to speak, has very little confidence and has just managed to build a new life with new friends and hobbies as have i, but i feel that he is somehow trying to hide me
His parents know that we are friends but he doesnt seem to want to tell them that we are an item- his sister also, which ahs made it very difficult for me when i go round to visit them or them me
i dont want to push him into anything, but we go away on holiday together without our children soon and our children know that we are more than friends and i believe that his parents and sister know aswell "they are not stupid afterall" but what is it that is making him act this way towards me. I don't feel that I am moving to fast and I am trying to be considerate but this is starting to make me feel awkward and unsure.
Can someone advise me in anyway how to approach or handle this situation? Please

talaniman · Oct 2, 2009, 02:36 PM

You may think your going slowly forward, and you are really, but he is going slower than you like, but he is going forward. Your doing great after only a year and have to be even more patient, in the days months ahead.

Its not about you personally, but it is about him, and his kids adjusting to their lives and circumstances.

Enjoy it, and for now, why question it. Its just part of the process. As I said, don't take it personally, he is not as ready as you are at this time.

nevaeh7 · Oct 2, 2009, 04:06 PM

Hey thank you for taking the time to reply and what you have said makes much sense, and I do agree that we are moving forwards at different paces and that's why I have tried to be understanding,
But why is it that he now doesn't contact me the way that he used to, but only since our "conversation" it seems to be me doing all the legwork, I even tried to back off and give him some "him time" which was cool with me, but he just didn't seem interested in making time for us to have together. I am definitely not the type of person that wants to force any situation or feel that that's what I'm doing either, I've had enough of that in my own past, and so has he. I'm just trying to understand where he is right now, is that wrong of me?
There have been a couple of things happen of late that have made me feel awkward, friends of ours making comments like"its really nice that the two of you" are finally together and it leaves me feeling awkward that I cannot reply as I don't truly know that we are actually a couple! We are going away on hol together as "friends" in his words but this is just making me feel as if I'm one of these "new" type relationships, where we are friends with "benefits" shall we say.
Now I don't want to feel that this is the case, I never have been into the casual thing,
He has also stated that because his relationship has been so controlling for 15 years he doesn't know how to be with me, he was put down constantly and feels that he is boring and that he has nothing to offer a relationship, because that was what he was told for so long, how do I make him feel special and build him up without sounding or acting patronising or false?
He is very special and does have an awful lot to offer, just being himself, but how can I make him see that when he was just my friend it was that that I fell I love with, and he doesn't need to be any different now that we have moved on from friends.
We have both had an extremely difficult time in past relationships both longterm and both very controlling, but at the same time very different indeed. It has taken a lot for him I know,but if I keep backing off doesn't that just show him that I don't care? I really don't know what he wants

talaniman · Oct 2, 2009, 04:50 PM

Yes its confusing, but understand, and just be friends, and take time to enjoy the getting to know one another, and leave the rest for as going with the flow. As long as you act as caring adults, and don't let the lust, or the comments of others, get in the way, you both can be comfortable enough to establish some communications and begin to see what's real, and what's not. Mutual understanding will come. Be patient, and realistic. Us fellows are slow, him especially considering his past. He needs to be careful with his heart right now, and his kids. That's what understanding will bring to you. His point of view, as he doesn't want you to be hurt either.

nevaeh7 · Oct 3, 2009, 12:38 AM

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply, it has helped very much seeing someone else's opinion on all this I know that there are truths in what you say so I will be patient and go with the flow but at the same time how do I protect myself from the possibilities that I will end up getting hurt in this.
Its very clear to me that I am indeed in love with this guy, and he has said that he has very strong feelings for me and that he likes me a lot actually he "more" than likes me, whatever that meant, but was nice to hear him say these things. But how does one protect themselves from being hurt, obviously I don't want to expect problems however it just seems that there is a pattern to peoples behavior which an sometimes be predicted, ad I don't want to have to pick up the pieces again, my children are at a good place finally and I don't want to ever go back to a place that I once was after a devastating split from their father, not ever again. Now that the children are somewhat aware of this how can they be protected, so that they also don't get hurt

nevaeh7 · Oct 4, 2009, 12:34 AM

If things don't work out between myself and my partner what will happen to the rest of his family? How will they act towards me? I have been very good friends with them all, even before knowing him going on 17 years now, I can't imagine that they would treat me any differently, but then this is their son and brother and this could make things very difficult.
They are all very good people, I would hate to loose this support network and their friendship, I hope that we are all grown up enough to separate these issues and continue being friends but how often does that really happen.
I love this man very much and obviously I don't want to loose what we are building together, but I'm trying to work out all the consequences, because they have all been my entire support network, neither of us went into this blind, we knew that we were very close indeed with the family ties, and we both felt that we were adult enough and wanted to give it a try, after all don't the best of friends make the best of lovers? Partners?

nevaeh7 · Dec 16, 2009, 02:15 PM

Hey there, when I first came on here I asked a question to do with my relationship, I accepted that I may have been expecting too much too soon from a delicate guy who has been hurt in the past. However...
My original concern was that he seemed to be hiding me away from his parents and family(who I have known very well for many years) They know that we spend time together and have been away on hols together and cook each other dinners and so on... they know that we have leaned on each other in stressfull times, but I spend a lot of time with his family in many ways through children and socialising and I'm accepted as a member of the family, we all spend family occasions together.
However my friendship with their son and brother has gone from friendship to relationship, its great its been around a year and a half now, but... he doesn't still seem to want his family to know, I found this very strange but accepted that I may be pushing too fast so I backed off pushing.
I have recently had a birthday, and my partner arranged something special which was nice, his family knew that it was a surprise and that we would be spending time together but they have no-idea that we are a couple!
What is he scared of?
I was kind of okay going along with things as they were, but today I spent the day with his mum and she told me that she is concerned about her son, and how when she asks him about maybe meeting someone and having a relationship his answer is that he doesn't want one,
Not only did he lie, but he has managed to make me feel like crap,
I get on so well with everyone and as I've stated they are almost like family any way, why does he want to hide me?
Also another comment that he made when he said he didn't want a relationship was, I don't want one they will only leave anyway!
His previous relationship was very manipulative, and he was very down and low, and I understand that he had little self confidence left after, but he has slowly put his life back together again over the last 4 years.
I have been a part of the helping process for this as a friend and as a girlfriend as well helping to build his confidence again but..
I am being hurt in the process, he doesn't know that his mum has said this to me, I think his mum does actually know about us but it hasn't been confirmed to her and that she is trying to find out, as mums do

What am I doing wrong, is he ashamed of me, I know that he has been hurt and after 13 years in a previous relationship he was hurt, and left, is he trying to save himself the shame of people knowing if I was to have left him? Is that a possibility?

Whatever it is this is becoming very awkwrd for me, we both have children, my children know that I am in this relationship with him, his children also know as they all go to school with mine, they talk as children do but they don't talk about it with him. He is very guarded and distant when we are in front of them, but when he is around mine he is very cuddly and loving towards me.
We are spending christmas day with his family as we do most years, how am I supposed to be? My children will see a very different side to him, and I don't want to feel as if I'm being hidden especially not in front of my children, I don't expect him to be all over me don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want that in front of his parents or our children but...
It is becoming awkward, yet an absolutely fantastic relationship in every other way.
He has told me recently that he loves me and is so kind and loving,
But this is really hurting me, what can I do? Please help

twinkiedooter · Dec 16, 2009, 02:22 PM

After 13 years it's going to be hard to change this guy overnight. Stop being so upset about this situation. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill with that kind of an attitude. Just enjoy this man and his company. He will see in his own good time that you are not out to manipulate him and he will come around. It might take him another year before he even admits your relationship to his mom and dad. In the meantime, just enjoy the holidays with him, his family and your kids. Stop pushing him. The harder you try to push, the more you are pushing him away with both hands.

nevaeh7 · Dec 17, 2009, 03:50 AM

I do understand that its very hard for him to trust and I'm trying to be so understanding, and its not the tomescale that bothers me so much, he has outright lied about us, and in the process he has hurt my feelings, now I'm not a youngster and neither is he I have also had my fair share of pain from a previous relationship so I do understand what he may have been going through, I'm not trying to push him really I'm not, but how do I deal with the get togethers at xmas time and when his sister talks to me and when his mum shares her concerns with me? His family were my support and have kind of adopted me, I have been friends with them all for about 17years,
I feel awkward around them now, at times, I don't want to lie to them-i won't lie to them! I just don't say anything
I have no family around me anymore and they have since been there for me, and I for all of them at various times, we are all very close and all of our children too...
My children know and so does his to a point, but they are starting to ask questions and they are starting to feel some akwardness too... for example my daughter is and has been friends with his sisters daughter for12 years now and they spend a lot of time at each others houses... they are girls and they talk! And they joke about being bridesmades and stuff, it's a girl thing! I won't lie to my children they know what has been happening, and so do the rest of them, but they are all starting to feel like it is some big secret and its causing a confusion.
Is he ashamed of me?
I just don't understand why

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 03:56 AM

Can't you have an honest talk with him about how you feel?
That's what I would do.

nevaeh7 · Dec 17, 2009, 04:22 AM

I have tried a while ago, before we were open to each other what it actually was that we were doing, was we friends or was we lovers in a relationship... but at that time his family were making comments about the time that we were spending together and that's when it first became awkward... but he said that he would have a word with them so that they didn't make me feel akward!
What I don't get is that he has now told me that he loves me and that he thinks about me all the time and he seemed to be the one pushing this forward just a month ago this all started to come out, and now so close to xmas and family time he seems so uninterested again, what he says and what he does don't seem to go together.
How can I approach this, I've let my guard down and now that I have it feels like I am being kicked in the teeth

nevaeh7 · Dec 17, 2009, 04:31 AM

It was a massive thing for him to say to me that he loved me, and he told me that he had felt this way for a while, and that he wanted to spend more time with me, we don't spend an awfull lot of time together, we are both very busy with kids and work and I'm also at colledge, so we normally spend an eve a week together sometimes 2, we do many things and have days out and dinners and have been on hol together, when we are together we get on great, but then there are the times when I feel like I am intruding in his life, sometimes we don't talk for many days even a week and if I were to make contact in any way it feels like he is being polite,but his answers sometimes feel half hearted, but then days later he will call me and he will be the one trying to arange meeting up or coming over... one minute up and the next very down
Is this depression?

amicon · Dec 17, 2009, 04:52 AM

It could be but I 'm not qualified to diagnose depression. I can see that previous advice you have received on this board is to accommodate yourself to his pace,are you willing to still do this?

nevaeh7 · Dec 17, 2009, 07:04 AM

Yes of course, the timescale isn't so much the issue, its more that he is outright telling his mum that he doesn't want a relationship when she has askesd him... so therefore he is either lying to her or me!
And obviously it has been more difficult that I know his family so well, and in the past his mother has come to me for advice sometimes about the wellbeing of her son, and now I'm trying to stay out of it as much as I can but its just being made akward, I would never intrude in anyway now or suggest any advice because that wouldn't be fair, but I cannot refuse a friendly ear when it has been needed, both in the past and now.
And of course the other issue is that ALL of the children are very confused as to what is going on and also what they can/cannot say in front of certain people, they are aware that its different actions in front of different people and different places and I don't know how to deal with that.
Can I just say that I may sound unsympathetic to what he has been thru-im so not, I will be as patient and understanding as I need to be, he is such a truthfull and honest guy, he has been so terriblyhurt and deserves more than most to be happy, weather that is with me or not, we started this relationship after being friends for 17 years and we leant on each other when we both needed it, it has developed into a relationship which has had some very emotional moments, but I thought that we had the respect for each other to be clear in what we wanted. But this doesn't feel like he's being honest, one of his issues is honesty from his past-as many of us have expierienced, so I don't get why he strives for that honesty when he's not being that himself. Or am I missing it all completely?

nevaeh7 · Dec 17, 2009, 07:10 AM

What is his pace? He seems to change his mind, he tells me he loves me and wants to spend more time with me and then he pulls away and it seems that he's just not interested, I want to call him sometimes just to say hello, but I don't because I don't want to feel that he's just appeasing me, sometimes it has felt like that, and then when I least expect it he calls or texts me outa the blue and he wants to meet up or spend time together and he's all loving and focused! I just don't know how to deal with all the changes and confusion

nevaeh7 · Dec 28, 2009, 10:53 AM

I wish I wasn't so deep, it woudnt hurt so much

amicon · Dec 28, 2009, 02:19 PM

How did your Christmas go?
Well I hope.

nevaeh7 · Dec 29, 2009, 03:52 PM

Well thank you for asking, I didn't go too well actually, its confused me even more,
I hope your xmas was a good one!
I had a good day with my children it was lovely.
Then we went over to my partners familys house, as I said that was what I was worried about, his family is so lovely, his parents, his sister and the children, it was lovely, although my partner didn't make much conversation with me, in fact he mayaswell have just ignored me, but I didn't make an issue out of it but it did hurt very much.
Again it raised questions from the children, which could not be answered,
My partner had by the end of the eve had had a few drinks, not drunk or anything but too many to drive home so his mum suggested that I could give him a lift on my way home, which was OK, but even during the lift home things seemed very strange.

Well then the next day, boxing day my children went to their dads for the rest of the hols, and my partner came over to my house, things very different from the day before, I was actually surprised that he had made the effort after the previous day, but I was very welcoming to him, he had been at mine for a couple of hours when he suggested that we could go over to his mums"Together" which shocked me but I had been invited to tea and so had he, so we went together.
Although he didn't acknowledge that there was anyting between us to anyone, it was great that he had made that little bit of effort,
Even though he stayed away from me the entire time! He then came back to mine and we spent the rest of the eve together, and neither of us had to rush off for work or colledge the next day so it wasnice to spend a bit of time with him.
He then surprised me yet again as he called me that evening and we actually managed to spend that following eve together as well, so he made the effort.
I can't help feeling though that he made that effort because he had let me down so badly at his parents, and that now he has lightened the blow somewhat! I sent him a lovely text message lasnite just telling him that I had had a great couple of days with him, blah blah, but he seemed again to make me feel like I was intruding by doing this... so when he wants to see me or call or text me that's fine but when it's the other way round he makes me feel like I'm intruding in his time...
Is it me? Seriously I can't work out what this is now.
He isn't the sort of person to just say... I love you.
I have known him far too long, so I know that he means what he has said and all but, why do his actions not match what he says?

Devorameira · Dec 29, 2009, 04:07 PM

I think he's serious when he says he loves you. I've lived with an abusive controlling spouse too and have to admit that it's hard when you're left with no self-confidence. It makes you depressed, so I imagine that he's still dealing with some aspects of the depression.

Be patient with him - he's trying, but he's probably been told over and over again that he's useless and couldn't do anything right for so long that it's hard for him to imagine that you really value him. I feel like he'll come around...just keep treating him like he's important and he matters. Good luck! :)

amicon · Dec 29, 2009, 04:17 PM

I think you may be approaching a point where you need to have a serious conversation about this as in: is this a relationship where the two of you see -at some point -a future together.
If this were to go on for a long time with no changes you'd feel even more insecure. It shouldn't just be about him and his feelings you have a right to feel happy and secure as well.
(my xmas was good thanks)