[A4Effort]

I doubt anyone remembers my story. But roughly 6 months ago I came to this site just like everyone else and poured my heart out. My girlfriend at the time broke up with me because she said she needed to explore. She was young and in college. At the time we have been dating for 1.5 years. We broke up and my difficult journey began. She was my first love and we shared many firsts. The first 3 weeks I did everything possibly wrong and could not find the strength to move on. Finally, after getting hurt several times I decided to move on. She saw the strength I had and wanted me back. We talked and I explained to her how I would only take her back if she is ready and will not have the same feelings again. She promised and we got back together. Six months of bliss passed. We worked on our relationship, fixed our previous problems and fell deeper in love. This leads us to present time.

School starts again and everything seems fine. I saw no signs like last time that she wanted to leave me. She kept on expressing her love to me and I to her. Life was bliss. Then one night she went over to college residential community and spent some time there with friends. Immediately the next day I noticed something wrong. That night she did not call me or come over like she usually does after I get home. She didn't answer my texts and finally answered one of my calls. The next day she avoided me all day too. I finally asked her to meet me and talk over lunch. We met and she told me how she had the same feelings again that she had a few months ago.

So the process began again. She told me how she did not want to continue hurting me by having these doubts. She said that there were parts of her life that went away when we started dating. She wanted to have that part back again and just go through self-exploration to find out who she is. This is understandable since she is still young and in college. I asked why she could not share those experience with me since I was very open/accepting to any experiences. Never once did I tell her that she could not do something or act a certain way. I accepted her for who she was and every single quality that came with her. I told her that I would be glad to incorporate any lost parts and would love to explore new avenues with her. No matter what I offered her, she still gave me the same answer. She we broke up again. So here I am now again. Lost, hurt, and wounded. Some very wise people on this forum told me that I should not take her back again because they knew what would happen again. Did I listen? No.

I know what I need to do now. Loose all contact with her. Keep myself busy and move on. Let her go. We both want to stay in touch and become friends but I know this won't work. She still was my first love. I miss her and I thank her for what I was able to experience with her. Even though this a dramatic life event I still am glad that I was able to experience it. I learned a lot from her and without her I would not be the man I am today. I do hope one day our paths cross again but this is not something I will be waiting for. I just wanted to share this experience with you all so that some who are in similar positions will know what can happen.

It is tough when Im 21 but I feel much much older. Most individuals my age do not share the same values as I do. Hence why I really appreciated when I found someone who was so similar to me. I have been through so many life experience (genocide, war, constant moving, parents divorcing,) but I feel like having lost my first love is worse then any of the mentioned above.

I know I will heal and writing this down/sharing is helping me a great deal.
Thank you for listening. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

[amicon]

Im sorry this happened to you again.
I think you know which path to take now as you have all the insights.
In my opinion this is what seems to happen quite often when people get back together again.They split up again-Ive been there and done that myself.
If a reconcilliation s going to work both people should have worked on whatever issues needed working on or it becomes a rerun of the same scenario.
Take care.

[A4Effort]

Thank you.

Yesterday was especially a rough day because she asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with her. She said that this would be a great thing to do together as friends because there would be others around so we would not be inclined to do anything romantic. I wanted to go so bad and be there with her but I had to say no. We ended up fighting over the phone. This made my night so much more difficult. She ended up telling me that she was going with another guy since I wasn't going with her. She told me that he was only a friend. To me it did not matter and all night long, all I had was dreams of her with another man.

After that conversation, I ended up deleting her phone number and I also deleted her Facebook. I just can't have any contact with her right now. I don't know if we can be friends right now but I am so afraid that I will loose her completely.

[amicon]

Right now the best thing is NC so you did the right thing by deleting her.
You know the advice is to keep busy and do things you enjoy so please do that.
Let your brain rule your heart and try to not dwell on what she might or might not be doing.
Don't let her attempts at gameplaying get to you.

[kctiger]

I remember your story clearly A4 and I sympathize with you. I know you are a strong guy and you know what needs to be done. I admire you for declining to go to the concert and sticking to your guns. For some reason, I am not worried at all that you will make the right decisions and do what is best for you. Good luck man!

[I wish]

Here's the story: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-322039.html

I'm glad that hear that you've healed from this experience. Thank you for sharing what you've learned with everyone. I'm sure your story can serve as an inspiration.

[unaffected]

Like KC, I'm proud of you for turning down the concert offer. I'm sure it was incredibly difficult, but you stood your ground, and for that it will make this process easier for you.

Keep yourself (and your mind) busy during this time, so she doesn't get a chance to sneak in there and wreak havoc!

[Justwantfair]

You are handling this incredibly well and doing all the right things for yourself... although I know right now it doesn't feel that way. I commend you on making these choices, not many are strong enough. Although it hurts, you are saving yourself more pain by sticking to your plan of no contact.

Just focus on you, as you can never know what's in your future. Don't discount the women around you for not holding the same values, sometimes those diamonds are hidden in the rough, you just have to look a little deeper. Take it one day at a time and know that there are many of us here to listen when the going gets rough.

[paxe]

I just wished I had the same courage when my ex broke up with me to say no. Like you she was my first everything and it was a 3 year relationship. The only thing that made me go forward is that I was fed up of suffering and yo-yoing, so I cut all contact with her. Trust me, life DOES get better, I've been there. I lost tons of sleep, lost hair, got my hair turned white and I had diarrhea for a good 3 weeks lol. Now I'm better than ever. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

[A4Effort]

Today I decided to take a "me break."Im not attending my classes. I already went to bikram yoga to calm my mind and now Im heading downtown for lunch where Im going to read a book. From there I will go on a bike ride and enjoy this beautiful day. Finally I will go train at my martial arts school and call it a day.

Thank you all for the kind words and I hope I can stay strong.

[unaffected]

Today I decided to take a "me break."Im not attending my classes. I already went to bikram yoga to calm my mind and now Im heading downtown for lunch where Im going to read a book. From there I will go on a bike ride and enjoy this beautiful day. Finally I will go train at my martial arts school and call it a day.

Thank you all for the kind words and I hope I can stay strong.

Sounds like a marvelous day! Enjoy yourself :)

[talaniman]

You have learned well hopper grass! (Texas for grasshopper) :D:)

[amicon]

Way to go!Enjoy! :-)

[A4Effort]

Well, here I am. I had an amazing day. Enjoyed the weather and freshened my mind. But here I am now. All I can think is about her. I trying to keep myself busy. I know where she is tonight and it is the place the made her change her mind in the first place. But I know I cannot call her. It almost seems as if the second time around its even harder.

I MISS HER!

[Justwantfair]

There will be ups and downs. Every time will be hard but it will get easier and if you go through it again, that will be harder because it is current, in my opinion.

You are doing the right thing.

Find a game to play online, that is how I kill time. Would it work for you?

[A4Effort]

It probably would if I wasn't at work right now. I know these feelings will go away soon. This a low and a high will come really soon. I know what I need to do and I know it will get better in the end. My brain is telling me all of this but my heart is telling me otherwise.

I miss not having someone to confine it, someone who I could hug and kiss after a long day. I miss not having someone to be intimate with and share a bond of love. I miss not being challenged by my partner in many ways. I miss how good she made me feel. I miss the adventures we went on, the philosophical discussions, cooking dinner together, going out and having fun, creating art, going to yoga/martial arts, going to concerts, and the list goes on. I do not have anyone to share this with.

I am alone and even though I am surrounded by friends and family I still feel alone. My roomates are nice guys but all they think about is getting "laid." They are the typical college guys and I am not. I look for meaningful relationships not a one night stand.

She was beautiful, smart, honest, and confident as one could be. She viewed everyone as equals and never judged. She was a woman not a college girl. Her family was amazing and they accepted me as one of them. We went on vacations together, shared religious events, and learned from each other.

All of this is gone. I know I'll find someone else. I know life goes on. I know I will heal. I know everything. But my heart still is shattered. How will I find another woman who is similar to her? 90% of college girls are not ready for what I want.

This is so difficult. I do not understand how weak I can be. I am have conquered anything and everything without ever shedding a tear. I always been able to swallow my feelings and forget them. I cannot do this now.

This is my low.

[DerelictHerds]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-359578.html

Read this thread, buddy. It's 50 pages, but I read every single word. Pay very close attention to the advice taoplr gives throughout it.

[Reactor]

Raises the glass to DerelictHerds on the link, good call.

I would say... accept the low, examine it... when she enters your mind in a negative, hurtful fashion, examine why. Instead pushing it away or fighting it off, just accept.

You can also rate the pain on a scale of 1 to 10. For example: 'wow, an image popped in my head of her with some other guy. Huh, that hurt... I'd give that a 7.'

Accept the pain & lows, try not to dismiss or force it. I found that to be my greatest error lately.

I'm 22, going 23 in November, and I hear you on the college frat party scene. Not my happening either. Maybe it's just because of my depressive nature/anti-social... who knows.

[A4Effort]

I read the 50+ page thread and learned something's. But I still ended up making a dumb mistake.

Today we had lunch. We talked and she was very attracted to me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek when she first saw me. We enjoyed each others presence very much. It was weird because we both want each other but she cannot be with me at this point in time. I know she will find someone else. She is a great girl and anyone will be lucky being with her. I am trying to believe in the statement "if its meant to be..." but do not want set myself up for pain. As we ended our lunch she almost went in for a real kiss but held it back. When I was with her for that half an hour everything was perfect. The minute she left I went back to my depressive state.

If I continue this I know I will hit rock bottom. I know everyone goes through this and they heal. I talked to several people about their first love and they all said that they were able to move on but if they had the opportunity they would take their partner back in a heart beat. They still get emotional when they think of their first love even though they are fine.

[Justwantfair]

Just keep in mind that every get together puts you back to square one. Now you start the process again. That is why no contact is hard but contact is harder. No contact helps you heal.

We all have bumps, but keep that in mind in the future.

Do you feel any progress?