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justpraying · Sep 14, 2009, 02:18 AM

My husband comes from a low class background. Ours was an arranged marriage. In our sociey it is sufficient that a man earn ssufficiently. That is the only criteria. After marriage he started showing his true colours. He expects me to respect hi mobey him irrespective of whatever he does. He can say anything even abuse me but if I raise my voice he turns violent that how can I dare to talk to him like this. He also says he got less dowry although he got more than a million other than numerous clothes for him and his low class crass narrowminded idiotic family, gold , and many other gifts as well. Still he thinks that since he is the man and I do not earn I should do just what he says to me. I should love me, sleep with him even if he abusesme or does not provide me with my mecessities. Ihewants to keeep contronl over me. But to the society he shows that he loves his wife and is very open minded. I have to think 100 times to saya thing that can offend him but he can say whatever he wants aand expetects me to forget everything and let us lead a happy life. I hate him toan extent that I think of committing suicide instead of living with this hypocrite. Our society is not very open to divorce and a lady divorcée is looked down upon . My parents regret about my marriage. There is a huge difference in our backgrounds(he belongs to low class and I to an upper middle class). Its just that he earns sufficiently. That is the only criteria for marriage. I feel betrayed. I have very refined tastes and he is a total crass. I just can't except him as my husband. He thinks there is no fault in him. Even after a violent fight and an abuse he expects me to sleep with him and forget everything. I I just can't stand the sight of him let alone sleep with him. How am I going to survive. Sometimes he is good to me. He thinks he has done nothing wrong . I would rather die than sleep with him. He often taunts me for not earning money.my parents also want me to stay in this marriage because of societal pressures. It is not easy for a woman to live alone in this world. I have no emotional bond with him. What do I do.

1800proof · Sep 14, 2009, 08:41 AM

I have no recommendations or advice for you because of the differences in our cultures. I just want you to know that you are in my prayers.

Gemini54 · Sep 14, 2009, 11:28 PM

There must be someone that you can speak to about this. Are you able to talk to your parents and let them know how deeply unhappy you are? Are you able to let them know that it is not a marriage of equals and that he abuses you?

Or, alternatively is there a priest or leader in your community that you can talk to? Most communities do not encourage men to abuse their wives and there may be someone senior in your community that will talk to him.

If these are not options for you and the situation is intolerable then you will have to make a choice - your either leave and face the consequences of being a divorced woman in your society or you decide to stay and make the best of it.

Surely life can not be pleasant for him either if he is constantly angry and abusive? If he is good to you sometimes, would you be able to talk to him? Perhaps you could talk to him with your parents present, after you have talked to them and explained the situation.

I wish · Sep 15, 2009, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by justpraying

I would rather die than sleep with him. He often taunts me for not earning money.my parents also want me to stay in this marriage because of societal pressures.

If that's how you feel, then this is a loveless marriage and you're just suffering.

Originally Posted by justpraying

Our society is not very open to divorce and a lady divorcee is looked down upon . My parents regret about my marriage.

I think that a divorce would be less painful than continuing to suffer under his roof. I think that the price of being looked down upon as a divorcée is better than staying in this abusive and controlling marriage.

Originally Posted by justpraying

It is not easy for a woman to live alone in this world. I have no emotional bond with him.

Unless you think that things can turn around and you will one day be happy with this man, living alone won't be as bad as you might think. You will be in control of your own life and will have your own freedom. However, it also depends on which country you're from. There are plenty of women who are doing just fine all by themselves in this world. It just takes a little bit of courrage and independence.

justpraying · Sep 15, 2009, 11:51 AM

Actually his background keeps lurking in my mind. I can't really help it ,however hard I might try to keep it out of my mind. I have never seen such things in my parents home. I feel a sense of alienation . It always comes in front of me in one way or the other. I am not able to relate to my husband as a person. Had he been a little gentle ,refined or sensitive to a woman's emotional needs like many of the husbands are. I would not have faced problems. I live in a society that is very conservative.once you are in a marriage you are expected to be tied into it forever, come what may. Exceptions are there but they are very very rare. He will always be what he is . Nobody can change one's background. Although one can change to a certain extent but not outrightly become a different person. I see a very bleak future ahead of me. I am a very sensitive and gentle person so it becomes all the more difficult for me to forget or ignore things that hurt me. Why sholud I live the life of a subordinate in spite of me being much more deserving of life's happiness. Just because I am a woman I have to live as a second class citizen. This gives me a lot of agony.I simply cannot accept this as my fate. God knows what is going to happen next.had I been born in a much more developed and modern country I would not have to think so deep about a matter that concerns my whole life and happiness. Am I doomed to live like this forever.

Cedarln2265 · Sep 15, 2009, 12:01 PM

Over the years I have found that perspectives change. You have access to the Internet which is something that a lot of less western women have come to know. That has changed perspectives. Your parents marriage is different then yours as a lot are. We cannot view our marriage as those of our parents. My grandmother had a saying "the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence". My grandfather said "Yes, and it too needs mowing".
Happiness is where you find it, in yourself. Looking to other people to "make" you happy may not turn out as you wish.

I wish · Sep 15, 2009, 12:59 PM

Threads were merged

Please keep all questions about the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story.

Is there a chance that you can leave the country? Can you move back home and live with your parents? You shouldn't be getting married until you are ready and comfortable with the other person. I know that your culture plays a huge role in your life, but I still believe that it's your choice.

You chose to follow the social norms so that you won't be looked down upon by society. Can you find it in yourself to reject social norms and follow your heart and go in a direction that you are more comfortable with? As oppose to satisfying the people or society around you? Of course it's not going to be an easy decision to make, but I think it will be easier on you, as you won't have to suffer with your current husband. Because he probably affects you more directly than society right?

justpraying · Sep 16, 2009, 11:58 AM

I am sorry I do not know ho to post in a similar thread. Please let me know.
I wanted to share my feelings.
In our society the caste system is very rigid. You have to marry within your caste in order to be acceptable in the society . This is true of most of the middle class(lower and upper) families.even if it is at the cost of finding a much less suitable person. Most of the girls have been a prey to these social dogmas. Ours is a predominantly patriarchal society. A woman has very little liberty as compared to men.just because two people are from the same caste does not mean that they will be suitable for each other. Its utter nonsense. Although since I have been married to a person who is from an entirely different social ,moral and financial background that I wonder if its really a same caste marriage. The differences are so majorly pronounced in almost everything.
In india even a well eduated and good looking girl has difficulty finding a suitable spouse let alone a man of her dreams(atleast in arranged marriages).I feel so lonely and depressed.very few people seems to acknowledge the emotional trauma I am going through and the fact that a feel of closeness does not existbetween me and my husband.
Since most of the members in this forum belong to different countries or cultures hardly anyone can relate to or empathise with my predicament.
I think marital bliss was not meant for me.

LearningAsIGo · Sep 16, 2009, 12:21 PM

I am coming from a completely different background so while I can't understand the reasoning behind your caste systems, I am sympathetic.

I imagine it must be very difficult to be confined to those kinds of "social rules" in your culture.

I do hope that in time you can find marital bliss as these things can develop over several years. We all want a good marriage no matter what society/culture we come from.

justpraying · Sep 16, 2009, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo

I am coming from a completely different background so while I can't understand the reasoning behind your caste systems, I am sympathetic.

I imagine it must be very difficult to be confined to those kinds of "social rules" in your culture.

I do hope that in time you can find marital bliss as these things can develop over several years. We all want a good marriage no matter what society/culture we come from.

He is a dominating sort of person, always controlling , a vey short tempered person turning violent at the drop of a hat and almost unpredictably.ours is a very educated family but his is not. He comes from a rural background and has misconstrued notions about life and women in general. He has been taught to keep women under his control. Its just that he happpens to earn well. And that too he makes me realise that he is the breadwinner I have to succumb to his unreasonable and idiotic demands, failing which he turns violent and misbehaves. But expects way to respect him and love him whatever he does. This is inacceptable to me. He fails to understand that I am a person with my own likes and dislikes first and then his wife. He considers me as totally his property and nothing more than that. Thare is a vast difference between us. But to bridge the chasm you have to acknowledge the differences and then attend to it. But he sort of befools himself and others that he is same as others . I find him a total crass thanks to his rural baackground. I also hate his selfish narrowminded idioitic family .

Even if a man is intellectually inferior to his wife she has to succumb just because she is a woman.I really hate these prejudiced notions and feel like running away from these nerve wrecking fanatical social dictates.

I think men out there in western countries are a lot more sensitive and caring towards women. I just loath my fate.I can't respect my husband can't love him can't feel close to him. He has that air of male chauvinism around him . I don't like him.

jham123 · Sep 16, 2009, 01:36 PM

You don't state where you live or what culture is yours, so I cannot help...

justpraying · Sep 16, 2009, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by jham123

You don't state where you live or what culture is yours, so I cannot help.....

I am from india . As for myculture I cannot explain it in few sentences. Its just that it has its own merits and drawbacks both. Nobody can help me except me

jham123 · Sep 16, 2009, 02:07 PM

There is only one way to "fix" your problem.

You and the other women in your Country must no longer accept these conditions to be treated as a second class human.

It starts with your Generation and How you educate your Male children as they are growing up.

Your issue may not be able to be addressed for you personally. You must address the future.

BlackVY · Sep 16, 2009, 03:53 PM

This is true, that women in such cultures "Should" stand up for themselves and not accept being treated as second class citizens, however, such an action in said culture would not be tolerated.

In the Indian culture, RESPECT is held so high that no matter what a person who is "higher" than you says or does, you must listen and obey, or is it seen as disrespect and therefore punishable.

It is sad that this is how it is and I do pray for the OP, that things will change, but it will be a very hard and painful road, and quite lonely, because in the Indian society, to stand up for yourself when you are a woman is to disgrace your family, which may cause them to turn their backs on you.

OP, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going through, it is a huge injustice and I wish it wasn't so, but hang in there, because God will make a way...

jham123 · Sep 16, 2009, 03:57 PM

^^Why beat around the bush?

Let me translate for you

OP, That's the way it's always been... bend over and take it... but I'll pray for you...

Sorry, that was ugly... I just have never agreed with the premise that just because things are a certain way... change can never occur.

Information or the repression of information is the way certain cultures are controlled. The innerweb has changed all that...

BlackVY · Sep 16, 2009, 04:02 PM

I am definitely not telling the OP to "bend over and take it", just saying I understand the issue completely and why its just not such an easy fix.

There are more factors here than most people thing, so its not as simple as "Stand up for yourself, tell him to treat you better or get lost"

Yes, the OP can stand up for herself so she should, but both she and I know that is going to be a very hard thing to do and I'm just acknowledging that.

Things can and should change, but the OP and almost every woman in her position must work hard, together and face what comes their way to make this change happen.

Cat1864 · Sep 16, 2009, 04:28 PM

justpraying, please forgive me if I missed where you said how long you have been married?

I understand you are angry and upset over your arranged marriage and the differences in your classes. I am not sure I have any advice that would work with your husband, however, I am wondering if things might be better with his family than you think.

Have you tried getting to know the younger women in his family who might be more welcoming and share more in common with you?

Sometimes, it is hard to find better ways and brighter spots when we are angry. Often our own attitude blinds us to those who might be reaching out. It is human nature.

JudyKayTee · Sep 16, 2009, 05:48 PM

Originally Posted by jham123

^^Why beat around the bush??

Lemme translate for you

OP, That's the way it's always been...bend over and take it......but I'll pray for you.....

Sorry, that was ugly...I just have never agreed with the premise that just because things are a certain way....change can never occur.

Information or the repression of information is the way certain cultures are controlled. The innerweb has changed all that.....

You're right - that was ugly, very ugly, especially from a newcomer to the site.

Unnecessary - and all of your posts follow the same general thinking.

Gemini54 · Sep 16, 2009, 07:48 PM

I go back to my original post, in response to your original post when I suggested that you must speak to your family. You must let them know how deeply unhappy you are and the effect that this is having on your wellbeing.

Sometimes we believe that there is no hope and that nothing will change but frequently this is not the case. Yes, your situation is difficult and yes, in your cultural context there appears to be no way out.

But, you will not be the first woman in your community to be unhappy with an arranged marriage and to be deeply unhappy. What have other women done? Who have they spoken to? What resources are there within your community to assist them? Who supports them?

If you actively seek out ways to change your situation you will find a solution. Even in Indian society there must be ways to do this.

I urge you to try and do something and not just despair - firstly you need to speak with your family or someone that you trust. Take the first step.

justpraying · Sep 16, 2009, 10:58 PM

I am not unhappy about an arranged marriage. It is the norm here. But what if something happens just opposite of what I expected of my life partner. That is the frustrating thing.I could not understand the comments of jham123 very clearly.
To be true to myself I am not able to muster enough courage to defy th norms. You are right, respecting elders whatever they do is something many youngsters resent.respect or even love should follow naturally for a person, it cannot be forced. Thank you all very much for your answers. I don't know, whatever has happened in my life has been without my consent, so perhaps rest will also follow nearly the same. One cannot fool around with destiny. I can only do what is in my hands . I am trying not to think too much about it. Perhaps things may work out. Or god might show me some way to come out of it.