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sooze_6 · Sep 17, 2009, 07:46 AM

I slept with someone else whilst I had split up with my boyfriend, I don't think I could regret anything more... my boyfriend has told me that he still loves me and wants to spend time with me to see if we can work it out... I am having to answer many uncomfortable questions and describe everything to him in detail, which I am struggling with... I guess I just need advice on where to go from here, one day he hates me and the next day he loves me... I am so confused and I feel like the worst person in the world... just need some advice maybe from people who have been through this, can it get better? Thank you

adam_89 · Sep 17, 2009, 07:54 AM

Well how old are you may I ask? Also how long have you been together?

Is this something counseling could help you with? What does he think about you sleeping with this other guy?

Cat1864 · Sep 17, 2009, 08:01 AM

Communicating about what went wrong in a relationship and how to work it out should not include making the other person feel bad because they had a fling AFTER the split.

Why does he need the answers to questions and details about what you did while you were separated? Is he answering the same questions?

sooze_6 · Sep 17, 2009, 08:03 AM

Hi adam, thank you for replying... I am 31... he is 28, we were together for nine years before we split, I have booked us an appointment to go and talk to someone... I don't know if he has changed his mind about the counselling. Have you ever been through something like this?

Justwantfair · Sep 17, 2009, 08:08 AM

I have been on both ends. It takes a real commitment to let go of the hurt and betrayal.

Talking to someone should be able to help, but this is really going to come down to your communication level and ability to forgive and build off the mistake. Let some of the guilt go, you couldn't have known a reconciliation was in your future.

All of us handle emotions differently, you are not too uncommon to be amongst the people who turn to others when you are hurt and upset. First, learn to forgive yourself, than work on rebuilding the relationship.

Just remember he will need time and his emotions are all over the place as well.

I wish · Sep 17, 2009, 08:17 AM

You're the one who slept with someone else while you were apart. So now he's feeling extremely insecure. However, it does seem like he's willing to try to make it work, otherwise he would have walked the other way.

The question is, are you willing to do what it takes to make it work? It's not going to be easy. It's going to take a lot of patience and hard work. Furthermore, there's no guarantee that it's going to work out. What you need to figure out is, whether you want to give each other the chance to work things out.

Justwantfair · Sep 17, 2009, 08:27 AM

I think it would be beneficial to discuss why the relationship soured in the first place after nine years.

After nine years, were you still only boyfriend/girlfriend?

talaniman · Sep 17, 2009, 09:30 AM

Good questions, as a lot more info, and background into this break up is needed.

One thing for sure, if you haven't forgiven yourself, you can never love yourself, no matter the mistakes you have made. You can't begin to heal that way, neither of you can.

Romefalls19 · Sep 17, 2009, 09:34 AM

Missing a lot of crucial information. Talking to someone will definitely help with a lot of the issues but you have to wonder if it didn't work after 9 years, what could change? Get to the root of the problem.

If you don't wish to talk about what happened, then tell him so. In respect, you don't have to tell him

j_ely823 · Sep 17, 2009, 10:35 AM

I agree, that I need more of a synop of the relationship. What perpetuated you to sleep with another ma? Did u do this as a means of trying to mitigate the pain of the break-up? Or was it even a break up? Was it just a break?

j_ely823 · Sep 17, 2009, 10:41 AM

Also, there are some things you really aren't obligated to discuss with him, if you two plan on being back together. If he asks, be sensitive to the anticipated blow to the heart or ego he will be feeling. Are you willing to be as committed to the relationship as he apparently is? I think its going to take him just as much, if not more effort to work things out with you, than You will have to do. Counseling is a great first step. Wish I could do it myself. It will help to alleviate any obstacles that are preventing you from being able to openly discuss your feelings, as another individual will be mediating. Maybe you should try to focus more on him right now instead of yourself. But really if you loved him so much, I don't understand why you would sleep with another man.