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likestolaugh · Sep 14, 2009, 11:25 AM

When you have a boyfriend you love, do you ever think at all about other guys?

My girlfriend and I love each other (this I am certain of). However I know (through a friend who overheard her talking to her best friend) that she's attracted to one of my good friends... that she finds him to have a certain charm about him. She's apparently had a "slightly" erotic dream involving him. There's apparently another guy (whom I don't know) she dreamed kissed her and she liked it, but knew in the dream that she was with me. She apparently found these dreams to be bizarre... I guess she didn't know what to make of them. In the case of my friend, I know that them being together would never work out anyway (he having to patience for people with the personality of my girlfriend... I don't think he likes her personally very much)

I know that my girlfriend would never cheat on me, and that she includes me in her future plans... but I can't help but feel unsettled by all this. Things have really just been getting better and better with us though (she's very affectionate and all that), so I maybe shouldn't worry. She apparently feels bad that she had these thoughts, as he's my friend, and he has a really nice girlfriend as well.

I know it's wrong to ask her if she's attracted to my friend... but damn, it's hard not to.

We're both in our mid twenties.

I wish · Sep 14, 2009, 12:38 PM

Check out this thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-323668.html

We had a very similar discussion going on.

As long as she doesn't act on her thoughts/feelings, it's not considered cheating. But everyone has a different definition of cheating, so it highly depends on what you want and expect from your girlfriend.

likestolaugh · Sep 14, 2009, 12:55 PM

Thanks. The difference with my situation though is I don't believe she has feelings for him... it's probably just a "crush" type of thing. She likely finds him attractive... he does have a rather charming personality.

I've been with my girlfriend for a bit over 9 months now... she first met him within the first 2 months. Sporadically since then (maybe 5 times at most). Things weren't always as good with my girlfriend as they have been for the past while... so it reassures me to know that this "attraction" to my friend surely isn't a new thing... and during that time my girlfriend and I have only gotten closer.

I wish · Sep 14, 2009, 12:58 PM

If that's the case, then focus on strengthening your relationship with her. Relationships should have the natural feelings (attraction for one another), but it also takes hard work to maintain the relationship.

Don't worry about the other guys around her, just focus on how you treat her. Focus on building more trust and a stronger communication system.

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 12:58 PM

She is with you and has given you no reason to not trust her. We are all attracted to different people, sometimes friends of our girlfriends. It happens. Our actions are what counts as we cannot help our natural attraction to others.

likestolaugh · Sep 14, 2009, 01:13 PM

I suppose part of the problem is that she tends not to always trust her feelings... or rather, I think she might think it's wrong to have any thoughts/dreams about other people when you in a relationship... and therefore I worried that her situation will cause her to question everything. It hasn't so far at least...

talaniman · Sep 14, 2009, 01:29 PM

She is human, as are you, and its plain crazy to think we are only attracted to our partners. I've been married more than 30 years and know for a fact my wife likes to look, and does get turned on by other HUMAN males. (I love the weather girl on TWC, just to name ONE). NO BIG DEAL, but I think your react to the news, is what's important.

As the other guys have said, its what you do with the feelings that are good and bad, not the feelings themselves, so let her enjoy them, without the guilt trip by you.

Good communications, and how you relate, and work together, is far more important, than the random feelings we have as normal people, so just don't over react to her liking other guys.

As long as she is honest, and open, don't trip, and make her natural feelings something she should regret, as none of us can control feelings, and what we do about them is the thing.

Relax guy and don't freak out over girl talk, or even expect her to admit every single feeling she has ever had.

That's the difference between a loving caring partner who understands, and an insecure jerk, who is threatened by nonsense he can't control.