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Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:03 AM

I am trying to maintain NC right now and it’s really hard. I have already done everything I am not supposed to do; texting, online stalking, pleading and threatening. All this and I pretty much did the breaking up!

I want to go a little into the story of the relationship because I cannot figure out if I am wrong, crazy or both. On our second date (we had been emailing and talking on the phone for awhile previously) we were having dinner at an outside restaurant in a crowed part of the city. He is from the suburbs (am I making excuses here?) and was very overcome by all the hustle and bustle of the people. Anyway, I was in the middle of telling him a funny story and just getting to the punch line when he looks away. I stop speaking and he looks back at me and says “what did you say?” I looked over to see what distracted him and it’s a group of attractive women from a bachelorette party. I go silent. He asks me again to continue my story. I tell him that I don’t want to repeat the story and just move on with the conversation (it’s hard to regain the momentum of a funny story). I also feel what he did was a bit rude. The food comes right then and he refuses to eat. I tell him I am not going to repeat myself because he was too busy watching the people. He tells me that his eye was caught by the sash the bride-to-be was wearing. He asks me again to repeat myself. At this point I am feeling really let down because we are only on our second date and he is not being attentive. I also cannot believe he is not going to eat all this food he ordered and just move on with the date. I tell him I don’t think it’s going to work out. Guess what? He starts to cry! I am shocked. We are at a restaurant sitting outside and he is crying! He tells me that he cannot believe I am ending it when he already has such strong feelings for me. Then he tells me that something is amiss (wrong) with me but he cannot put his finger on it. I will continue the story later but I am really curious to hear what people have to say about this. Was I too hard on him and his “wondering” eye? I don’t necessarily think he was “checking” the women out as opposed to seeing if the sash said “Ms. USA” or something on it. I still found it a bit rude. On a side note and to be fair I was telling him a story about a guy friend who liked me. Maybe he did not want to hear it? Yet in the story the guy is a real jerk to me, I never liked him and he is now in a happy relationship.

none12345 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:06 AM

If you never liked him, why is it hard to maintain NC. Shouldn't be that hard.

CFZD · Sep 14, 2009, 08:13 AM

I stop speaking and he looks back at me and says “what did you say?” I looked over to see what distracted him and it's a group of attractive women from a bachelorette party

NEVER GET MAD WHEN YOUR MAN IS STARING AT OTHER WOMEN! :D

Men think that if they are only “looking”, no harm is done. Some women do not find this behavior offensive; some women get their feelings hurt but don't do anything about it; and some women complain about it, but nothing changes.

What you should be doing is either not reacting at all, or better yet, saying something positive about her. It's especially helpful if you notice her first and can point her out to him. Saying something about the pretty girl coming your direction or how beautiful her legs look in that skirt will completely catch him off guard. It will also show that you don't feel threatened by other women.

Sometimes, all you need to do is keeping it light hearted, just like what the men believe -if they are only “looking”, no harm is done. ;)

Diane PAck · Sep 14, 2009, 08:16 AM

Well, to start, You should never talk about an ex or another guy who was or may be interested no matter how funny. We wouldn't appreciate it, nor does the other make of the beast (men). Secondly, on your second date, you should not care who he looks at, how attentive he is, etc... Just keep note, and never make it obvious that it bothered you. YOu are just getting to know the person, he may be having a bad day, lots on his mind, who knows. Thirdly, if after your second date he begins to cry, RUNNNNNNN! Hes an insecure boy, who will need lots of attention and will probably later turn into a stalker. Last but not least, go buy the book the rules! As silly as some of them sound, it works!! Live by this book and you will get exactly everything you have ever wanted. Trust me, I have been down the road too many times and have finally learned my lesson. If you don't feel good, leave. You can be married to your soulmate for 30yrs and then they up and leave. So, nothing ever appears as they are. Take care of yourself first and all good will follow. No matter how in LOVE a guy claims to be with, never admit to being as in love as he. They always need to be kept on their toes. If you say you are going to do something, be sure to ALWAYS follow through! They are like children and if you let them off once, the rest is history.

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 08:17 AM

You were on your second date. How is this even an issue? It's over... I mean, am I just missing the story? What relationship did you two ever have? How many dates did you two go on?

How in the hell can there be this much emotion invested when you two had only been on 2 dates to begin with? You broke up with him on only the second time you hung out?

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:19 AM

I did like him very much and I still do. I understand about not getting jealous of him looking at other women. If we had been together for awhile I would not have cared as much but it was only our second date! I felt that if I could not keep his attention already then I must be in trouble. If someone is telling me a story and I clown walks by I may glance over but I will be sure to keep listening to what the person is telling me. Especially if I really like the person I am going to make sure they have my undivided attention when I am with them. Later on I went to the beach with him and I did not have a problem with him admiring the beauty.

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:20 AM

This was only the start of our relationship. I forgave him because he did cry and I figured he must really like me.

none12345 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:24 AM

What is the reason for the break up?

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 08:24 AM

So why did you break up with him?

CFZD · Sep 14, 2009, 08:38 AM

OP, it is normal. Relax, please! I wouldn't even call it a breaking up. It is ONLY your second date, you were not in the relationship with him yet!

Be smart, don't yell or call it off! If you take this better approach ( as I said earlier) when your "boyfriend" ( not yet) looks at other women, you'll be rewarded by more attention from him. He'll see that you aren't the jealous type which will make him appreciate you even more.

Ok good luck!

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 08:40 AM

I still don't get it. Are you saying you "broke up" with him on your second date and that was the extent of your relationship? I am unclear as to what you define as a relationship and the timeline we are working with here. Is there any way you could elaborate? I am just not understanding of how there can be so much emotional investment in a "relationship" that consisted of two dates. IF that is the case, then a bit too much, too soon = crash and burn (Tal quote).

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:42 AM

I think you are onto something Diane Pack. So the relationship continued and we really fell for each other. Yet, I still felt that he did not care about what I was saying unless it had to do with him or us. He started going away every other weekend to do some side work and to party with friends. It made me a little nervous and insecure. I knew this was my issue and I wanted to talk to him about it. I told him about how I had been in a relationship where the guy was gone all the time for work. I told him this guy would come over only when it seemed he wanted to make love. I understood he had little time but I was lonely. I told him how I wanted a best friend and someone to do things with on the weekends. I asked him how often he would be going away and he said a few times a year. This made me very happy. I wanted him to have his own life and hang out with his friends but I also do want someone to do things with. I like to be active and I want a partner who is too. So after we had this conversation everything seemed fine. Until the a couple days later on a Wendesday afternoon I sent him a text and said I was getting the type of food he wants. I cooked for him a lot and he wanted very particular foods (he is a body builder). He sent me a text and said "I will not be around this weekend but I will see you Thursday night". I could not believe after the conversation we just had that he was sending me a text. He did not call or put it gently or anything. He also assumed I would just be free for him on Thursday. I do have my own life and friends. I started to feel I was going back to the same situation I was in before; he was going to come down late night, have me cook, sleep with me and then take off for the weekend. I found out that my friend had a place by the beach in the state where he was working for the weekend. I asked him if he wanted to stay there with me. After ignoring me for awhile he said it was too far away. So, I told him I was not happy. I told him I wish he had discussed it with me first (him going away). He got very angry and said "we have not been married for two years!" That really hurt my feelings and I started to cry and I asked him "do I mean anything to you?" He said "I am done with this drama" and he hung up on me. We had been spending a good amount of time together previously and he was very needy; texting me all day long. After he hung up he later said that he did not need my permission to go away. I felt bad because I knew he misunderstood me.

CFZD · Sep 14, 2009, 08:46 AM

He got very angry and said "we have not been married for two years!" That really hurt my feelings and I started to cry and I asked him "do I mean anything to you?" He said "I am done with this drama" and he hung up on me. We had been spending a good amount of time together previously and he was very needy; texting me all day long. After he hung up he later said that he did not need my permission to go away. I felt bad because I knew he misunderstood me.

Both of you are not mature enough to handle a relationship. He is needy and you are controlling on the second date. You have fallen for him hard by the second date! SECOND! Don't fall too soon, girl!

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:51 AM

I really have to disagree with what you are saying CFZD. I appreciate your thoughts though and don't discredit all of what you are saying. I did not fall for him on the second date. I don't particularly think that expecting someone to be considerate and not rude is a problem. We had already been together for awhile when we had the discussion about him going away.

Does anyone else have something to offer me?

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 08:51 AM

This so called relationship screams of insecurity on both of your levels. It is a good thing it ended as it began on rocky terms as it is.

I think both of you had differing views on what you expected and in the end that ruined things. You can't just have a relationship based upon conveniences, and that is exactly what this was.

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 08:55 AM

Hmm I don't know kctiger. I did not have a problem with him checking out chicks at the beach. I did not have a problem with him going away. I just did not want to be in a relationship with someone who is gone all the time. I thought I made that clear to him and then for him to turn around and say he was going away that weekend? And wait until the middle of the week to tell me? I felt like he was testing me or pushing my buttons.

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 08:57 AM

I just have to think that there was a HUGE lack of communication and understanding on both your parts. That kind of turned into one party having a different idea of what this "relationship" was.

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 09:04 AM

Yeah you were probably right kctiger. It was just so misleading when he would mention things like "when we have kids" and "dont you want to take the camera so we can look back years from now?". He was always the one chasing me and as soon as I was like "ok hear I am" he started backing off. I have had that happen before and it makes me feel like I can never let my guard down. He has been texting me telling me his misses me and that he never felt as good with someone as he did with me. Yet I found out he is now (three weeks later) sleeping with someone else.

kctiger · Sep 14, 2009, 09:07 AM

I need to let you in on something. Us guys are REALLY good at getting girls to buy into our BS and then, when they actually do buy into it, it becomes no fun anymore and some of us turn into real a-holes. It seems this guy thought once he had you in his grasp he could then go out and do whatever he wanted all the while you waiting there for him to come over when he felt it convenient. We live and learn, but talk of kids, marriage and the like should be a red flag unless you have been dating for a long time... just my opinion. I am glad you at least stood your ground and did what you thought was right. Kudos to you!

Luckylucy09 · Sep 14, 2009, 09:11 AM

That sounds about right kctiger. All the drama of the crying on our second date really confused me. He would get upset if I did not text him back right away but if I expected him to get back to me within a couple hours I was asking too much. Unfortunately he was so good in other ways that I have not previously found.