[volitans]

Hi!

I was 15 years old when My girlfriend got pregnant.I freaked out and broke up with her.In the mean time that she was pregnant ,she met another guy and has been with him for 15 years.I tried calling her 5 years after the fact.I was 20 years old.She kind of shut me down pretty quick.Understandably.

I decided then That it would be best to leave the child alone because she was in a happy family and I didn't want to disrupt her in her life at that age.I was living 10 hrs from her too.

All those years I have been thinking about her like crazy.6 months ago I emailed the mother telling her how I felt and that I was sorry and why I did what I did for so long.I also told the mother That I would always be there for the child when she is ready to know who I am and I would take care of her.I have never paid child support and she never asked for it either.I have talked to the mother for 5 minutes in 15 years.. that was 10 years ago

Its been 6 months and she never answered me.I REALLY want to establish initial contact with my daughter and at least let her know that I am there when she is ready.. . I want to spoil her and get to know her too! I would like to help for her education as well when she is ready to go to university or college.

Do you guys have any advice for me as for how I should go about to contacting her and the mother?

I am married now with no kids and my wife is 100% behind me too.

Thanks a lot!



If I ever do get to meet her I will definitaly be there all the time for her.I don't want to gain custody of her.Im an honest and really good person that made a stupid decision when I was 15 years old and got freaked out.

Even if its been that long I still feel I can offer her a lot.. nobody's perfect and sometimes deserves another chance to make things right... Am I wrong here?


I am not mad at the mother and never will.I tottaly understand were she is coming from.And I would never even dare to try and kick her dad on the curb .And if I ever get to meet her I will explain everything to her on what happened over the years and why.I will also tell her that I know her real dad is the one she's got right now and not me.Im pretty sure she knows that he is not her real father.but I don't know what the mother told her about me.

I really really can offer some good things in life,not only in gifts either.She would be treated like gold.

But I do understand that there is no excuse for what I did.What also happened is that she wanted a baby and stopped the pills without telling me.Her friend told me a few months later.I was kind of pissed off at that by I'm way over it now.



I don't need to hear that everything is going to be OK .I need to hear that hard facts especially from those of you who experienced it.

I am really a GOOD person and like I said before, I can offer her a lot... and all my family too.


I am also ready to answer any questions she would have,no matter how hard...


Another thing too is that The feelings I have is not if guilt.There is a little bit of guilt there but since she was raised and taken care of very well its not what my main feelings are.My feelings are that I Missed out on too much that I don't want to miss out on the rest...

But in any case my feelings are not important here... its her feelings that count.


Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Cat1864]

For one thing get the idea of "spoiling" her out of you mind. No teen needs spoiling.

There are a couple of huge questions that need to be asked:

1. Are you positive that you are the girl's father?
2. Does she know that the man who raised her isn't her biological parent?

If the answer to the first question is yes, then write down your family's medical history. Things that are passed on genetically like breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc. Send that to her mother. Even if you never get to meet her, she needs that information.

Then, try to establish contact with her mother. Stay calm and give it time.

[Jake2008]

Good suggestions from Cat.

I'm wondering what options the mother has given her daughter, or even if she is aware that you are her father. With her mother not communicating with you, I suspect that your daughter thinks her step-father is her real father.

You can't undo the past, and I respect you for wanting to know your daughter, and I can't help think that this would be a really great advantage to her to know the truth. That your wife is onboard, also speaks highly of your relationship, and the two of you would not undermine or cause any trouble. Maybe your wife just needs to be convinced of that.

Thinking if it were me in her position, I would be extremely cautious as well, particularly if I have hidden paternity for so many years. The undoing of that alone will afftect many people.

If it is possible, could you contact the mother's family, a sister, or mother. Speak to them, and see if they could smooth the waters for communication between the mother and you. Maybe a meeting or visit of some sort in a nutral place where you could talk face to face. Write them or call them if a visit is out of the question.

You could also contact the local social services agency for assistance. Explain the situation, and ask if there is a mediator, or can they direct you to a source that could assist you in establishing contact. You could also seek a mediator through the court system, but that may open up another can of worms so to speak, if you have to first establish paternity etc.

I don't know if this is possible either, but if your child's mother is religious, contact the pastor/Priest etc. and ask for assistance.

I think you are a good person too, and I like your approach. This will require a lot of diplomacy and tact and good judgment to see it all through.

One last suggestion I have for you, is to send a registered letter to your child's mother. Tell her again everything you have said here, and reinforce the fact that you want to be a plus in this child's life, not a minus. Gently tell her that you are the father, and as such, have legal rights to your child. Also that you do not wish to go through the court in order to establish a relationship with your child, but if you have to you will.

If she knows that you aren't going away, and you aren't giving up, she may choose a less invasive option, and just open up communication with you. She needs to know you are serious, and it may be time to push a little harder. With a letter of intent so to speak, tell her exactly what you want to do, and how long you are willing to wait. No pressure, but reasonable time frames. From this letter for example, you'll wait 3 weeks for a response. Outline what the next step will be without overwhelming her.

I do hope you have your wish, and I do hope that the child's mother will see the benefit in having you and your wife in this child's life. My gut tells me, this will happen if you get a plan together and execute it properly.

Please, let us know how this turned out. All the best to you.

Because of the child's age, you still have time to establish paternity, and legal rights to visitation. Once she turns 18, it will be a different story.

[volitans]

Thank you so much for taking the time answer me properly.

Cat, yes I am positive that She is my daughter.She even looks like me.I have been told by one of her friends that have been in contact with lately that she knows that her daddy is not her bio daddy.

I have talked to her when she was pregnant and answered all her questions about medical history.


As for contacting the mothers family,I don't know really anyone.I do but they all hate me.I Am in contact with one of her friends though.She does not really want to get in the middle of it but I am keeping contact to her as much as I can.We really get along and she understands my situation too.

A registered letter would be a good Idea.

My sister is just dying to meet her and my parents as well.they just never did out of respect for me I guess.

But my sister would be willing to contact the mother.Would that be a good idea?

[Jake2008]

Why not give it a shot with your sister meeting her.

It may be easier for the mother of your daughter. No pressure, woman to woman, just feel it out. She may be able to get a different or clearer perspective on where she stands, and how to proceed.

I think of this as a soft touch, rather than cold and invasive, and I'm sure it will be seen that way by her too.

[volitans]

Thanks for confirming this:) My sister REALLY wants to meet her.Plus my sister has a son,so she has a little cousin too!

I will call my sister

Thanks again!

[volitans]

I just want to know,Do you understand my decisions as to leaving her alone with her mom and dad all those years? It was a tough decision but what's done is done now.

[Synnen]

Here's the thing:

If she was never formally adopted by her stepfather (in some states, minimal effort to contact you is all that was required to take away your parental rights), then you're in for some interesting times.

First, if you push this, and your daughter was not adopted, her mother can go after you for 15 years of back child support---plus child support for however long your state requires in the future.

You will have to establish visitations (you probably don't have much of a chance for any sort of custody) through the court if the mother is non-cooperative.

Finally--if she WAS adopted by her stepfather, then you have to wait until she comes to you, essentially, as you would have NO legal connection to her whatsoever.

[volitans]

I live in canada and the laws are different.They only get the back child support from me from the date the demand for child support was made.And a maxim of 3 years retro after the demand is made depending how low it takes the court to establish a decision.The laws have changed in 2006 in canada.

The demand for child support was never made.

[Synnen]

Ah, I'm sorry.

I missed that you weren't in the States.

[volitans]

First, if you push this, and your daughter was not adopted, her mother can go after you for 15 years of back child support---plus child support for however long your state requires in the future.

These are the kind of laws that will prevent a lot of kids not to see there biological father.15 years of back child support? Totally different if the mother and child was living below there needs and has asked for child support in those 15 years and never got it.

If the father is willing to start paying child support right now at the moment but cannot afford to pay back 15 years of back child support do you really think he's going to even think about trying to establish a relationship with the child? And in all that it's the child himself that will be missing out on what may be something that it has been missing for years.

All cases are different.In my case, they are a wealthy family and she has had everything she could possibly want in her child hood.She has had a dad all her life.

Im not saying what I did was right,but What's done is done and I realize now the decision that I made back then was not the right one.But I was 15 years old freaking out.When I was 20 years old I called her and she shut me down(I would have done the same thing).

I totally understand That I should have helped and I am guilty of that.

But can you guys understand the resoning behind my decision to let them be a family and not disrupt her life.At that time I was living 10-12 hrs from her and was working 8-9 months of the year away from home.How good would it be if I would have seen her 1-2 times a year max?

Now I'm home all the time and more stable I could offer her a lot

[volitans]

Just so you know what I said above wasn't meant in a defensive way... I am certainly guilty of what decision I made back then

[Jake2008]

I gotcha volitans, it's not about the money.

She could have gone after you if that was her intent, and still kept your daughter from you anyway, sometime in the last 15 years. You may not have paid support, but she didn't ask for it either.

It is pretty amazing how things go around. That 'mistake' you made so many years ago, may turn out to be the best mistake you ever made.

I'm not a person to pray much, or at all really, but in your case I'm making an exception, and I will say a little prayer to my higher power for you and your wife that this all works out for you.

I would love to be a fly on the wall to see your face when you finally meet her.

[volitans]

Thank you so much!

I hope the mother will be as understanding as you are!!

I do mean mean well too... we don't have any kid ,nor want any but this one is a different story... We only have on life to live and it may go quicker than on thinks

[artlady]

Just so you know what I said above wasnt meant in a defencive way....I am certainly guilty of what decision I made back then

You were a child yourself and as such you were incapable of making an adult choice.
Don't beat yourself up over the past.

You have become an adult and trying to atone for your past mistakes.

I think the mother should be told that it is in her daughters best interest to have as many people in her life that love her and will support her emotionally and financially as possible.

She will be lucky to have you and your wife in her life,Mom needs to put aside her resentment and consider what is really best for her daughter.

I wish you the best!

[Synnen]

Actually, we only have the OP's side of the story.

The mother may decide that it is in her daughter's best interest not to have a man that abandoned her when she was 15 and making bad decisions---and has STAYED gone for 15 years.

*I* understand where you are coming from, volitans---but that's because I placed my child for adoption 17 years ago.

However--since the mother is the one who is close to your daughter, and understands her better than you do--it SHOULD be her call as to whether you would be another parental figure or whether you'd just be a distraction and detrimental to your daughter's well-being at this time.

Personally, I think you could have chosen a better time to try to get to know her. Things are rough enough at 15 without throwing extra curveballs at her.

My personal opinion--and it IS just MY opinion--is that you stay away until she is 18, then send a letter to her and let HER make the decision, as an adult, as to how she wants to deal with you.

[artlady]

Actually, we only have the OP's side of the story.

The mother may decide that it is in her daughter's best interest not to have a man that abandoned her when she was 15 and making bad decisions---and has STAYED gone for 15 years.

*I* understand where you are coming from, volitans---but that's because I placed my child for adoption 17 years ago.

However--since the mother is the one who is close to your daughter, and understands her better than you do--it SHOULD be her call as to whether or not you would be another parental figure or whether you'd just be a distraction and detrimental to your daughter's well-being at this time.

Personally, I think you could have chosen a better time to try to get to know her. Things are rough enough at 15 without throwing extra curveballs at her.

My personal opinion--and it IS just MY opinion--is that you stay away until she is 18, then send a letter to her and let HER make the decision, as an adult, as to how she wants to deal with you.

I totally see where you are coming from as well and 15 is a tender age and she is vulnerable but I still think that the more support and love a kid gets growing up,the better off they are.
Clearly,the Mom has the final word but sometimes it is truly better to be late than never.
I do respect your position as well Synnen and you raise some very valid points!

[volitans]

I have just to talked to my father for the past hr about the subject.He made me remember that when this all happened he called the mothers mother.And she said that they do not want anything to do with me because I wasn't dating her daughter anymore! I totallly for got about that!

True enough that 15 years old is a an age that lots is going on.