[shyfoxie]

I've been with my fiancé about a year now, and he really makes me truly happy and treats me like a princess, but I'm not so sure about his plan to ask my dad for my hand.

Ideally, I would have wanted to keep our engagement under wraps a little more while he got to know my family a little better (I usually go see his family, but he's only had dinner with mine a few times). Only problem is, my father is being sent by the military two provinces away (I'm in Alberta, he's going to Manitoba) and Mike probably won't get much face time with him before that happens, seeing as dad is moving at the end of the month.

I'm planning to invite my fiancé over for dinner as much as I can, and he's going to try to make the best impression possible, but I'm worried about what to tell him if dad says that it seems a little soon or that I'm too young (I'm 19, he's 22), even though we plan to get married about a year to a year-and-a-half after we find a place next year (so he'd be 25 and I'd be 22).

We're both responsible young people. I paid for my own university tuition for last year and my current year in full with my own hard-earned money and am in the army reserve as a medic. My fiancée works hard, is responsible with money and very close with his family. We don't plan on doing anything hasty, and we won't make any plans we can't afford. We just love each other, have very similar goals in life and values, and both of us have good communication and conflict resolution skills. Also, I am not pregnant now and will not be until we can afford to start a family.

It's entirely possible dad might give him his blessing (dad got married about that age, so at least he might sympathize... too bad it didn't work out :( ), but in case it doesn't I could use some advice on how to handle the situation and not cause problems in the family as we go forward with our lives together.

[SingingMonkey]

I don't want to interfere, but I sincerely think that it would not hurt for someone to wait a few years before they get married. You are still young and many things will change in the next 10 years - a lot!

If you really love him, then it wouldn't make a difference to wait it out, would it? It's not like he's only going to stay if you marry.

Better safe than sorry. Wait it out. Don't marry before you're 25-30. A failed marriage will haunt you forever.

[I wish]

If you only plan on getting married in about 2 - 2 1/2 years, then why not wait another year before telling your dad? Just spend the next year allowing the two of them to get to know each other better. Manitoba and Alberta are not that far apart, so I'm sure you guys will see each other during the long weekends or holidays?

[redhed35]

You sound like a stable and well rounded young woman,your parents had a hand in that!

Approach your dad on your own,tell him how you feel about your fiancé,let him know your planning on getting married in a few years and it would mean a lot to you for him to get to know your boyfriend,I don't know your dad,but you do,hopefully he will see your not being rash or rushing.
Let him get to know your boyfriend,parents worry,that's their job!

[zippit]

Going against the grain I don't see any reason it would hurt for him to approach your Dad to ask your hand and explain you plans its very respectable for him to want to do this waiting will only make the point more mute,it's a great way for him to get to know your Dad and for you both to announce your plans.go for it!

[redhed35]

I would just like to add,there are not many young men who would have the balls to ask for your hand,I think it shows respect to your father,and you,and even though your parents approvel does not matter in the end,it helps.

[Cat1864]

This gives you an excellent chance to trust your fiancé. If he is the one doing the asking, then he is the one who has to come up with the words to win your father over. It will be difficult to stand by but give your father a chance to see why you are choosing this man to spend the rest of your life with.

You can help by letting your father know how much you care for him and that you aren't rushing into marriage. Be prepared for the fatherly reaction though. You could be 60 years old but he probably still sees you as the little girl he helped bring into the world. Give him a chance to get used to the idea of that child growing into the responsible young woman you are today.

[Catsmine]

Let me congratulate you on planning ahead in this decision. Red and Cat have both given you some good advice. I'll come down on the side of you letting your Dad know this one is special, but letting your fiancé find his own approach and words will be good for that male-bonding thing.

[shyfoxie]

Well, I talked to dad when I went over for dinner tonight about perhaps having Mike come over with me, but dad said he just wanted to spend time with me and my sister. He said Mike seems like a nice guy, and whatever he wanted to talk about with my father, my feelings about him are more important. Guess that means my guy just won't be able to ask him.

Guess that solves part of the issue.

[Cat1864]

Sometimes dads are like that. At least you are attempting to let him know how you feel before he finds out from someone else.

All you can do is try to get them together. :)

[MsMewiththat]

Nothing is solved here. You need to allow him to go speak to your father. Make time. This is special and very exciting. Don't be afraid to allow it to happen. Remember your Dad will take you hiding this portion of your relationship the wrong way... be careful not to give off the wrong signs.

[MsMewiththat]

If you only plan on getting married in about 2 - 2 1/2 years, then why not wait another year before telling your dad? Just spend the next year allowing the two of them to get to know each other better. Manitoba and Alberta are not that far apart, so I'm sure you guys will see each other during the long weekends or holidays?

Not to be argumentative, but the only problem I see with this is that her man really wants to do this... what does her denying him that right say to him? Hopefully it wouldn't cause conflict in the relationship.

[I wish]

Not to be argumentative, but the only problem I see with this is that her man really wants to do this.... what does her denying him that right say to him? Hopefully it wouldn't cause conflict in the relationship.

I'm only helping us brainstorm. That's exactly what I want to avoid too, any type of conflict. I just feeling rushing things can cause some conflicts.

The point I was trying to make was, why not let the boyfriend and the dad get to know each other better first for a few months to a year. Then, when they are comfortable with each other, then let them know that the couple is engaged and not just a boyfriend. It's just to ease both of them into it instead of rushing anything. But it's just a suggestion.

[Cat1864]

I Wish, I can see what you are saying. My concern with them waiting is that Dad finds out from someone else and feels like she didn't trust him enough to tell him herself.

[redhed35]

I have been following this post,and something is not sitting right with me..

I wonder if the op is scared of the reaction of her dad,i.e. he forbids it, or does not allow it,she is 19,has looked after herself in college and seems well rounded young woman,even dare I say sensible. Why be nervous? Why stop her fiancé from asking for her hand.

My second irky feeling,is,is the fiancé pushing the bar,looking for that final commitment, getting dad's consent is nearly setting it in stone.

Maybe I've forgotten the passion of young love or I'm just a plain old cynic.

[I wish]

I Wish, I can see what you are saying. My concern with them waiting is that Dad finds out from someone else and feels like she didn't trust him enough to tell him herself.

That's why I said it's only a suggestion. There's going to be pros and cons both ways. If they rush telling the dad, he could acuse them of "rushing". Don't forget, the OP is only 19. But if he knew the boyfriend better and realize that they've been together for quite some time and if the couple can prove that they are mature. Then, when they let the dad know that they are engaged, he will feel more accepting.

It's a balance of probabilities. You got to weigh in the pros and cons and find a balance somewhere. We just told them the two extremes, but it's up to them to decide what they think is the most appropriate approach. We're here to let them know that they have options and they're not stuck.

[MsMewiththat]

So who is to say in this period of getting to know the boyfriend, he won't decide that he doesn't like him. That he is unaware of how serious you too are and doesn't take the relationship seriously. That could back fire. Engagement... wouldn't a ring tell the story? Or is there no ring or are you going to hide that too.

What's interesting to me is that this seems more one sided in the sense that he wants to set it in stone and get family involved the formal and correct way and she wants to hide it. Love and passion doesn't hide or ease, it shouts it from the rooftop for everyone to feel and know and share.

Seeking approval is a dangerous trap that we get into as children and one habit that she will want to work to stop. If she has been on her own for a while now and she is truly independent part of that is making decisions on her own and accepting them yourself is the first step to getting others on board.

[I wish]

So who is to say in this period of getting to know the boyfriend, he won't decide that he doesn't like him. That he is unaware of how serious you too are and doesn't take the relationship seriously. That could back fire. Engagement... wouldn't a ring tell the story? or is there no ring or are you going to hide that too.

If the dad decides that he doesn't like the boyfriend, he's not going to like him whether you rush or not. So it won't make a difference. Because when you don't like someone, it's because of their personality and personalities don't change that quickly or easily.

Every parent is different. Some parents rather take it slow to get to know the boyfriend or girlfriend. Some parents rather only meet the boyfriend or girlfriend when they are serious. There are other possibilities too. It's highly dependent on what type of dad he is.

So when we are giving advice. We present all the options. You can do the hurry meet and greet. You can do the medium speed. You can do the slow paced approached. All three options are present. There are pros and cons for every approach.

It's not up to us to decide which is the best approach because we have no idea what the dad is like. So it's up to the couple to decide what they think is the best approach. We just help them by letting them know that they have options and help them weigh in the pros and cons of each option.

[Jake2008]

Why does it have to be so old fashioned. If the OP and her intended want it this way, then with her father's imending deployment to another Province, then time is important, because he won't see much of him anyway, in order to get to know him better beforehand.

Why not, at the next family dinner, preferably at your house OP, that after the dishes are put away, let them know that you AND your fiancé have an announcement to make. Then, when you have their full attention, tell them that you are engaged, and wedding plans will take place in about two years.

That eases the immediate concern,( too soon) and allows for a smooth transition to acceptance.

Or, do it your way, same situation. Get your mom out of the room, and leave the two men together. Your fiancé can same the same thing, just by himself.

I'm sure your parents are particularly tuned in with your maturity and good judgment, considering you are hard working, and entering your second year of college/university under your own financial steam. Not to mention you are a voluntary medic.

Just do it!

[shyfoxie]

LOL Stupid army not giving Mike time to ask properly. We've decided to just wait until the holidays to tell everyone.