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JustYourGuy · Sep 8, 2009, 11:22 PM

I'm male and I have a boyfriend. My BF has little to no contact with me for many months now. I think he wants to "cool off" from our relationship. We've been together for 5 years. He has not told me if he wants a "break" but all the warning signs are there. I can feel it. He just can't tell me. I don't know why he can't. I'm afraid to ask him because I know I will cry and beg him not to go on "break" or break up with me. Should I just start ignoring him for a few days? Or maybe weeks? Or months? What do I do when it's his birthday? Should I contact him? Send him a card? I love him so much. How do you take your mind off? It's hard. Just thinking about it, us having a "break". I keep on thinking what if he sees other guys? Is that normal in a "break", to see other people? Date other people? :confused::(

ohsohappy · Sep 8, 2009, 11:38 PM

I know it's really hard, but you should try not to panic so much. Have you tried discussing why exactly he want's to "cool off?"

Maybe he has a lot of stuff on his mind right now. Is there anything particularly stressful going on in his life right now?

So far, all I can say, that if this is the case, try to be as supportive as you possibly can.

Unfortunately, He might want a break from the relationship. But that isn't to say that he's going to go around and see other men. It's possible, but maybe he just wants some time to think. He's probably conflicting with himself about something.

A good way to start the conversation, would not be by immediately begging for answers to console yourself. Try to find a way to see if he'd be willing to confide something to you, and maybe he'll let you know what's going on.

friend4u178 · Sep 8, 2009, 11:43 PM

You should talk to him and voice your concerns , if you can't communicate after being together for 5 years then there is clearly something wrong.

You may be scared of the answer but better to get the truth than prolonging the pain.

JustYourGuy · Sep 8, 2009, 11:50 PM

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

I know it's really hard, but you should try not to panic so much. Have you tried discussing why exactly he want's to "cool off?"

Maybe he has a lot of stuff on his mind right now. Is there anything particularly stressful going on in his life right now?

So far, all I can say, that if this is the case, try to be as supportive as you possibly can.

Unfortunately, He might want a break from the relationship. But that isn't to say that he's going to go around and see other men. It's possible, but maybe he just wants some time to think. He's probably conflicting with himself about something.

A good way to start out the conversation, would not be by immediately begging for answers to console yourself. Try to find a way to see if he'd be willing to confide something to you, and maybe he'll let you know what's going on.

I talked to him and the problem is he just said, "yes" or just nodded. I want him to open up to me. Talk to me. To be frank with me. How can I get him to do that?

Also, should I see him on his birthday or call him or do you suggest NO CONTACT for a few days?

ohsohappy · Sep 8, 2009, 11:57 PM

Originally Posted by JustYourGuy

I talked to him and the problem is he just said, "yes" or just nodded. I want him to open up to me. Talk to me. To be frank with me. How can I get him to do that?

Also, should I see him on his bday or call him or do you suggest NO CONTACT for a few days?

What exactly did he say "yes" to?
And as far as his Birthday, possibly mail him a card. Something sweet and thoughtful, possibly humorous. I wouldn't the a super heartfelt one, as much as it would be nice to do so. You have already expressed your feelings for him. Don't press them upon him when he is in a different place in the relationship than you are.
I think a funny one would do nicely, or something witty. Just to show that you're still there for him. And that you think of him.

JustYourGuy · Sep 9, 2009, 12:04 AM

I was telling him my feelings and I was a little bit crying, oh well, I as crying a lot and I think he did not know what to say. He cried a bit also. I can't get him to talk! I told him to be frank with me. I guess I'll just let him be for a while. That will help him right? Leaving him alone for a few days or months if it comes to that? Can I say "I love you" on the birthday card or greeting?

ohsohappy · Sep 9, 2009, 12:22 AM

Well, For starters, You cannot press him for information. You have to let him come to you willingly. He is not ready to talk yet, and maybe he's scared of hurting you, so you can not make him say anything he is not ready to say.

As far as leaving him alone, give him space, but I wouldn't entirely break off contact him

And as for the card, I wouldn't necessarily put "I love you" Unless you're sure. If not, I'd say something like "Just know that I am here for you." or somehting along those lines.

JustYourGuy · Sep 9, 2009, 12:25 AM

@ohsohappy, I think you're right. He may just be scared that I will cry and be hurt once he tells me what's on his mind. And you are also right to not press him for more information. I will just let him be for a while. Regarding the card, that's a really nice greeting, thone you provided. Thanks !

JustYourGuy · Sep 9, 2009, 12:27 AM

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Well, For starters, You cannot press him for information. You have to let him come to you willingly. He is not ready to talk yet, and maybe he's scared of hurting you, so you can not make him say anything he is not ready to say.

As far as leaving him alone, give him space, but I wouldn't entirely break off contact him

And as for the card, I wouldn't necessarily put "I love you" Unless you're sure. If not, I'd say something like "Just know that I am here for you." or somehting along those lines.

I'm sure that I love him. But I'll use your suggestion.

amicon · Sep 9, 2009, 12:27 AM

For whatever reasons your boyfriend s not communicating with you and you can't force him to.this is where you ought to go NC and start thinking about yourself and how to get on with your own life even though your boyfriend may on longer be a part of it.right now you re stuck waiting for answers you may never get.we can't put our own lives on hold for somebody else.

ohsohappy · Sep 9, 2009, 08:44 AM

Originally Posted by JustYourGuy

I'm sure that I love him. But I'll use your suggestion.

Good luck! I hope things work out for you!

amicon · Sep 9, 2009, 08:50 AM

Good luck and look after yourself.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2009, 09:54 AM

My BF has little to no contact with me for many months now. I think he wants to "cool off" from our relationship. We've been together for 5 years. He has not told me if he wants a "break" but all the warning signs are there. I can feel it. He just can't tell me.

Whatever has you waiting to be dumped or taken back really needs to stop as his actions are those of someone who IS already broken up. The lack of communications after 5 years? Not good, nor healthy, and along with the lack of defining the relationship, or the end of it has you in limbo, on hold hoping he makes a decision.

Based on his actions its you who must make a decision to leave him alone and get beyond his lack of honest expressions about his feelings, hopes and dreams, so you know where you fit with him.

You have been ignored for months, its time to disappear from his life, and ignore him, now.

Don't know what he will do about it, but do know it will allow you to heal and see the reality of your situation, and get out of limbo.

You should never love another, more than you love yourself. Then at least, you won't get caught up in somebody else's BS games or crappy selfish behavior.

JustYourGuy · Sep 9, 2009, 10:13 AM

I should have seen this coming. This started about many months ago. I emailed, called, and sent text messages, literally hundreds, and he responded only a few times. I started feeling that the communication is wearing down. One time, we were supposed to meet on a Thursday, so I waited the whole day only to find out about 6 AM the next day via text and email, that he "went someplace to be alone and to think". I would have appreciated a phone call or text or email on Thursday telling me he's not going to see me. I called him and left him messages asking him where he was. I even went to his house and his father said he's not there. Then suddenly I just dialed his work phone and his voicemail said that he will be off work from that day Thursday to Tuesday the following week. Then on his email to me, he told me we'd meet up and talk when he comes back on Tuesday. And you know what? I waited on Tuesday. I called him and texted him. I asked him where he is, are we going to meet up that day. He finally replied that evening. And I know from the sound of his text message that he does not want to meet up. He stated on his text, "OK, I'll be there then."

Labor Day weekend. I called him Friday and asked if I could see him. He said yes. But we did not meet. Again I called and sent him messages. He said he will not be meeting me. He said Saturday. So I said OK Saturday then. The same thing happened on Saturday. Called him and sent him messages but no response. Finally he answered his phone that night and told me he'll meet me Sunday. What do you know? He made me wait the whole day Sunday! No call or messages from him. I'm the one calling and sending him messages. Due to my anger, I sent him a text and email telling him I am angry. The next day Monday, I called him early morning. He picked up the phone and I told him I'm sorry and I cried on the phone. He said we'll meet that day. But again, he did not show up. I called him literally more than 30 times. He finally picked up the phone around 9 or 10 PM. And he sounded as if he does not want to talk to me. He said he was about to tell me he will not make it. I told him I will come to your house, if he wants we can just talk outside his house, just for 1 hour but he does not want that. The next day Tuesday I couldn't resist and I called him. He said we'll meet up in the afternoon. AND FINALLY WE DID. We met up for just 1 hour and 30 minutes. We talked, well I talked, and I cried. He cried a little bit but he did not talk as much as I wanted. He said he still loves me. I asked him if he has fallen in love with somebody else or if he wants to hook up with others, he said no. Then he left.

I love him so much. And I will try my best to do NC for a few days. I just hope that after our NC time, he would contact me and tell me what's on his mind and his feelings. If it comes to us breaking up, I'll be... for sure I will be so sad :(

I need to correct one piece: we've been together for 4 years and 5 months.

amicon · Sep 9, 2009, 10:32 AM

Yes do the. NC-and stay strong.find things to do to take your mind off things.read the stickies at the top of this page. Take care.

ohsohappy · Sep 9, 2009, 10:59 AM

Oh hun, This hurts. Be strong for yourself. If you still want to send him a card for his birthday, that's fine, but other than that, I would not talk to him.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2009, 11:14 AM

If it comes to us breaking up, I'll be... for sure I will be so sad :(

You are broken up, and I hate being the one to tell you that.:( He will never give you closure, or direction, but his actions are screaming at you.

Read my signature, the whole thing, and click on the stickies link.

ohsohappy · Sep 9, 2009, 11:16 AM

I really like your signature T.

JustYourGuy · Sep 9, 2009, 12:00 PM

I found a text message he sent. He sent this in reply to my text telling him I am mad at him for not showing up and that I am lonely at what's happening to us. I received this on Sept 5.

"Please. Ur making it even harder for me...."

ohsohappy · Sep 9, 2009, 12:13 PM

Originally Posted by JustYourGuy

I found a text message he sent. He sent this in reply to my text telling him I am mad at him for not showing up and that I am lonely at what's happening to us. I received this on Sept 5.

"Please. Ur making it even harder for me...."

Then you're going to have to leave him be.