[88sunflower]

You guys, I originally came on here because I needed a good slap in the head. I was having this affair, mostly an emotional one for me, and it wasn't good. I knew it was wrong but I continued. Well after months of counseling, I moved out a couple months, quit working since it was my boss and it seemed good. Although my husband insisted I come back to work. Its been OK here. I have had a week moment here and there but never went back or looked back.

Well, while I had moved out someone at my husnbands work showed interest in him. He was like a little school boy telling me. Sure I was jealous and sure it hurt and I know it killed him knowing about my affair. But the thing is, before I moved back home we talked and I told him to make sure I was what he wanted. I didn't want him pursuing her to get me back as revenge. He seemed like he wanted to go after this girl. But no, he told me to come home. So the next day I move everything back home. Its all been a big fat lie. He has been seeing her behind my back since that day. He told me to come home and we would work on it and he still went to her.

Yes, I know I did it to. But I put it out there. I told him to go have at her if that's what he wanted. I knew I hurt him and I left it open for him to decide. That's what's hurting me right now. I told him to pursue her if he wanted. Instead he told me to move home. Then he still pursued her. So I feel like this entire effort has been a big fat lie. Then the worse part, he has brought my son around her. I never ever would or have done that. Isn't he smarter then that?

Now I sit here thinking what the hell do I do? Do I sit back and feel the pain like I caused him? Do I ask him to try again and just call it even? Or do I ask him to leave and be done with it? I am at a blank because he wanted me home and I have been bending over backwards to show him I wanted it to work. With nothing in return. I guess its over and where the hell do I go from here?

UGH! I hate life! I am sorry guys for sounding like one of those stupid women. I deserve what I get in return and am not looking for pity of any kind. I guess right now I just need to vent and don't know who or where to vent.

[adam_89]

Sunny, I am sorry for your troubles here. I never knew what brought you around these parts of AMHD. I guess now I know. I feel like I know you pretty well on here and you seem like a good person and don't deserve this. I know you know cheating is bad and you did it anyway. That's not the point though. He had no right to do it. Whether it was to get back at you or because he liked her. He shouldn't have dragged you into this. I say you leave him and go after that modeling career. Everyone here knows how beautiful you are and you could do it. It couldn't be to strong of a connection if you both cheated on each other. I hope you are able to make the right decision.

[88sunflower]

Thanks adam. I guess what's bugging me the most is he had that option. I was already moved out in a routine and a new life with my son. He wanted me to come home and we were going to work it out. He swore he didn't want to pursue her he wanted his marriage and I was thankful for that. Trust me I knew I wronged and was so thankful he wanted to try again. The hurt I saw in him killed me it really did. But I had this feeling and sure enough he still went to her. The other thing is her boyfriend is at war. Hmmm so she is getting comfort from my husband while her man is at war. Nice.

I did tell him last night it was a loveless marriage and it needed to end. He doesn't want it to.

[artlady]

Clearly,you were wrong but two wrongs don't make a right.

He should have been honest with you and told you he was keeping his options open.

He wanted the marriage but he wanted the option of her on the side,just in case you and he didn't work out.

I wonder with both of you cheating if the underlying issue just may be that this marriage has run its course.

Sadly,it does happen and people do fall out of love.

Again,what you did was wrong but that does not mean you deserve to be lied and cheated on.No matter how you slice it,two wrongs just don't make a right.

The bottom line ,it seems to me,is the marriage salvageable? Sometimes the damage is irreparable,no matter how hard one tries to fix it.

Is there enough spark left to keep this marriage alive?Can you both clean the slate and start over?

Is he willing to make a serious commitment to the marriage?You sure can't do it alone.

I think if it is at all feasible,you should seek counseling before you throw in the towel.

[88sunflower]

artsy I know exactly what your saying and I agree. I knew I was wrong when I did it and him and I were in counseling for months and months. I guess my problem was I tried to talk to him over and over and told him why I wasn't happy. Truly it was easily fixable. But to repeat myself again and again with no results, I gave up, I caved. I had the affair. We continued counseling even after I had moved. He wanted me home. I was so happy to go home I cried! I quit working and he insisted I come back to work. Which makes me think he didn't care I was working with my "affair" since he knew he had her on the side.
Do I think this can be fixed? I don't know. I have mentioned at random times here he had a porn addiction for 7 years. It affected me. I talked about it in counseling over and over and I can't forgive him or forget it. But I put it behind me and I moved on to have our marriage. Now I sit and think how can I get over a real physical woman? I cant. But I don't know what to do and I sit here like a stupid bimbo getting what she deserves and crying over it.

[adam_89]

Ya know I here stories from some people where they actually consider taking their ex back just so they can hurt them like they had been hurt. It is not right and not fair of him to do that. He really shouldn't have dragged your son in this when you guys are still married. I agree with Artlady by saying he was wanting to keep her on the sidelines just in case you two didn't work out. What he did was wrong and you both know it. You obviously find this marriage without love so don't put yourself through this hun.

[88sunflower]

It just kills me that I moved my son out to a new home. Then moved him back. He questioned me while I cried every night and I just played it off with silly things a five year old would understand. Now I have to do it again. I asked him to move out last night and again this morning. I did tell him there is no way this is going to work. He will never trust me and I will never trust him. Why try? When he asked me to come back I thought that was the start of a new life. "I thought, I thought..." So much for thinking.

[kctiger]

As a guy it is hard for me to sit here and imagine what it is like to be cheated on, especially by my wife. Emotionally or whatever. It is also not my place to judge and throw stones. I respect you as a poster and from what I know of you on the internet Sunny, and I also respect you for being a parent as to me that is the ultimate role anyone can have.

I can safely say (although I have never been through it) that I wouldn't cheat on someone, regardless if they cheated on me. I have always felt that a family is more important than any of that. Regardless of how hurt he may have been it is still no excuse. As a man it is important to remain true to yourself, your morals and your character no matter what. It seems a bit dysfunctional now that you both have been down this road. Marriage isn't a game, nor are relationships. You don't get "even" with a heart.

I wish you luck and I hope that everything works out for the best, whatever the best may be. I sadly cannot imagine how things could ever be normal again, and I fear that it is the fight for "normalness" that will eventually tear everything a part. I live by two rules in life... NEVER cheat on your partner and ALWAYS do what you feel is the right thing to do. If those two rules ever contradict then there are bigger problems at hand.

[adam_89]

Don't beat yourself up over this Sunny. Ok? It isn't your fault. You are just trying to blame yourself here and it isn't your fault. You have to better yourself and if leaving is the answer then so be it.

[88sunflower]

Don't beat yourself up over this Sunny. Ok? It isn't your fault. You are just trying to blame yourself here and it isn't your fault. You have to better yourself and if leaving is the answer then so be it.

But if I didn't do what I did this wouldn't be happening today. Why did he want to work on this and then do this? We were doing good and then I got that feeling and sure enough. That feeling is right every time.

[talaniman]

Leave, and don't come back. Right now neither of you has the right tools, or the willingness to work together. You both need a clean slate, and a fresh start, leaving will give you that.

[artlady]

artsy I know exactly what your saying and I agree. I knew I was wrong when I did it and him and I were in counseling for months and months. I guess my problem was I tried to talk to him over and over and told him why I wasnt happy. Truly it was easily fixable. But to repeat myself again and again with no results, I gave up, I caved. I had the affair. We continued counseling even after I had moved. He wanted me home. I was so happy to go home I cried! I quit working and he insisted I come back to work. Which makes me think he didnt care I was working with my "affair" since he knew he had her on the side.
Do I think this can be fixed? I dont know. I have mentioned at random times here he had a porn addiction for 7 years. It affected me. I talked about it in counseling over and over and I can't forgive him or forget it. But I put it behind me and I moved on to have our marriage. Now I sit and think how can I get over a real physical woman? I cant. But I dont know what to do and I sit here like a stupid bimbo getting what she deserves and crying over it.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up.It really is counter productive.

You have paid your dues on this issue.Berating yourself is going to affect your ability to focus and stay centered on what you have to do next.

You did not deserve to have him cheat.He made that choice and it was a poor one.
He said he wanted you back and he deceived you.

Have you asked him to end the affair? What does he have to say about this?
Does he plan on continuing on with her?

[adam_89]

I had to spread the rep but Tal is completely right.

I was cheated on twice before in past relationships and it does hurt but I would have never tried to get even with them over it. I find someong not worthy of me if they cheat on me. So, I kick them to the curb and try and move on. You know there will be a better life out there Sunny. I know it won't be as easy since you have a kid with him, but just keep moving forward.

[88sunflower]

I think you need to stop beating yourself up.It really is counter productive.

You have paid your dues on this issue.Berating yourself is going to affect your ability to focus and stay centered on what you have to do next.

You did not deserve to have him cheat.He made that choice and it was a poor one.
He said he wanted you back and he deceived you.

Have you asked him to end the affair? What does he have to say about this?
Does he plan on continuing on with her?

I did mention him not speaking to her, he just stared at me. I mentioned we have no trust now, he just stared at me. I mentioned him lying about it, he said there was nothing going on. Then why lie? He just stared at me again. I said for him to move out, he continued to stare at me. Get out and don't come back. I gave it my all he screwed up.

[Stringer]

Leave, and don't come back. Right now neither of you has the right tools, or the willingness to work together. You both need a clean slate, and a fresh start, leaving will give you that.

Sadly this is true, I see no other way. (Tal, I had to spread the good... )

Sunny, we are friends and I do have some things that I would like to say, but at the moment I don't have the time, so I will get back shortly hon. :)

[itried]

I'm not trying to sound mean or anything like that, but it sounds like you're getting what you deserve. I think it was a mistake to come back to him because he had this planned out the whole time. He's angry, resentful and vengeful. The only reason he wanted you to come back was so that he could hurt you like you hurt him. He is getting some sort of validation by doing this and frankly, I don't blame him because he's evening up with you. You hurt him and he immediately has the opportunity to get back at you so he took it. He probably wouldn't have been able to carry on with you unless he got this out of his system.

I think you should have taken time apart from each other (longer than what you did) because he isn't willing to work with you. He just wants revenge and you made it way too easy for him to get it. Your relationship is poisoned now. There is no trust and there is no respect. It will come up again.

[88sunflower]

I'm not trying to sound mean or anything like that, but it sounds like you're getting what you deserve. I think it was a mistake to come back to him because he had this planned out the whole time. He's angry, resentful and vengeful. The only reason he wanted you to come back was so that he could hurt you like you hurt him. He is getting some sort of validation by doing this and frankly, I don't blame him because he's evening up with you. You hurt him and he immediately has the opportunity to get back at you so he took it. He probably wouldn't have been able to carry on with you unless he got this out of his system.

I think you should have taken time apart from each other (longer than what you did) because he isn't willing to work with you. He just wants revenge and you made it way too easy for him to get it. Your relationship is poisoned now. There is no trust and there is no respect. It will come up again.

I do agree with this, I got what I deserved. I will never say what I did was right. But he had every chance under the sun to move on. I have a son who I bounced back and forth for two months. Even if his intentions were to get me back, that's poor parenting on his part. For one, he brought my son around her. I never did that and never ever once thought it. I would think our sons interest would be his first concern. If he made this choice on purpose then its only going to effect my boy again. When we were out and settled already. Why would he have me move us both back home, only to do this and have to move again?

I do deserve all of this and I agree. But my point is we sat on our bed one night and had a talk about making it or breaking it. He wanted to make it. I have put in every effort and 110% to show him how sorry I am, to show him how hard I am trying and to show him he can trust again. He made the wrong choice this time. I know this marriage will never ever be the same. Since this happened and I confronted him I have asked him to leave over and over. We agreed when I moved back home if it didn't work out he would leave. Now he isn't leaving. I want him to go. I asked him to. I asked him what he thought it was going to be like for us now if we stayed together? Well worse of course. I just spent seven months busting my butt to fight for something that was a lie. Yes I had it coming. But now that I want it over he wants to try and he is sorry. Hmmm I thought we were doing that?

[88sunflower]

So I sit here with my thoughts. My husband is at work and my son is sleeping. I think about what is to come for my future and I want to avoid it. I want this to work but know its not possible. What's funny is there is one comment on this entire site that sits and rings in my ears right now. Its from the one and only chuff.


"The fear of being alone can overshadow what love really is."

Sad but true isn't it? Wise words.

[amicon]

Yes sunny very wise words.and sad-I think a number of us stay or has stayed in rubbish relationships because we fear being alone :-)

[88sunflower]

yes sunny very wise words.and sad-I think a number of us stay or has stayed in rubbish relationships because we fear being alone :-)

I honestly think that's one reason he won't leave. When we were having troubles because of my poor choices. He had a break down and said he didn't want to live alone like his dad. You see his dad was for one an alcoholic. He was also a very bad diabetic. He had strokes. Lost limbs. He just didn't take care of himself and was in a nursing home for 20 plus years. Pretty much in the end he lost his mind. Not to mention his wife left him long before all this.

So being my husband is a pretty bad diabetic he instantly sees us divorcing and his life following that path that his fathers did. But he doesn't drink like his father did. He takes better care of himself. He just doesn't want to be alone. I think sometimes a person being alone is great. It gives you time to grow and learn who you are. I think we both need that.