[solostnconfused]

It took me 5 years to get over my puppy love that lasted only a year. I was afraid to trust and love again, but my boyfriend (whom I met online 5 years ago) broke past that barrier. We started as friends and it stayed like that for a while. He's liked me since the beginning. He walked me through my hardest times; we've been through everything together since then. I slowly started developing feelings for him, and I made sure he was the one before I fell completely. This time, I fell a little too hard.

Communication and honesty are so essential for healthy, successful relationships. Obviously, like any other relationship, there were bumps here and there, but we always managed to talk and work through our problems together. I've always been honest and faithful towards him, but I'm old-fashioned when it comes to sex. I keep my traditional values of sleeping with a man only after marriage. He respects my values, so he's never pressured me into doing anything, and I love him for that.

Couple days ago, he gave me his password and asked me to check a work-related e-mail for him. Initially, that was all I was going to do, but the titles (i.e. I miss you, come online, where are you? etc.) to some of the messages caught my attention. Perhaps, he forgot about them because he was so busy with work, but I couldn't understand why those e-mails were there in the first place. He told me I was the only one, but from his e-mails, he was fooling around with more than 6 women all at the same time. He's given me his password countless times before, but I never remembered them because I just don't feel it's right to creep other people's accounts. I felt secure and I trusted him. There was no need for any of that. I couldn't help it though, not after reading the titles. I feel low and disgusting for actually reading a few of his flirty messages, but I turned it all off when I came across the nude photos he sent to the other ladies. I still remember for one of the conversations, it ended something along the lines of, "I want to see it in action, come online". I felt really guilty for invading his privacy by reading his personal messages, but I also felt so broken finding out. Hearts can't break, but I felt mine breaking anyway. I immediately confessed and apologized about this matter, but when I questioned him about the ladies, he tried to cover it up with more lies and excuses. He claims he never cheated because he never liked any of them. In the beginning, he said there's no point explaining when I couldn't trust or believe the feelings he has for me. How am I suppose to believe him when all the evidence is there? Eventually, he confessed and said it was because he felt the need for someone to satisfy his sexual desires. He claims it was all online and that's all there was to it. He said I'm the only one he wants and needs in his life; but, whether it's online or in real life, cheating is still cheating. Is it not?

He's been harassing me, filling my accounts (hotmail, msn, facebook) with endless apologies. He said I shouldn't let this one mistake ruin our relationship. I wanted to end things peacefully, but he's making things so difficult. In fact, he's making me feel it's partially my fault. I know I shouldn't, but I'm slowly buying it. I'm starting to blame it on myself. I'm deeply, madly in love with him. We've been engaged for 3 months now. I don't know what to do. I'm lucky I found out before we got married, but I'm so lost and confused. My mind is so clear but my heart is so broken. I want to let go, but a part of me isn't letting me. I'm so tired. I honestly thought he was the one.

[Bluefish23]

Wow.
I would have said give forgiveness a go, but seeing as it was with so many people, he is just stringing you along. If he has become engaged to you but still cannot be faithful then he is lying to you and himself.
Everyone is sortof curious at times, at online is less personal, which makes it easier to cross the line, but it seems he had opened up a freaking toll booth over this border.
And the fact he gave you the password with full knowledge he could be caught is curious too. Almost like he wanted to be...
I would say go with your head. It is obviously very smart, and hearts are prone to being led along blindly.
Good luck to you, it sounds like you dodged a hidden bullet there.

PS, it may be a good idea to explore your sexuality. It is a crucial part of any relationship and you need to know how it operates between you and your partner before you commit to a life together.

[TJ17]

I'm sure you've heard this all before but "Once a cheater, always a cheater".
If it was with one person maybe, but that many hell no, I'd dump his sorry behind out the door.

[Starry nights]

Its so unfortunate that you had to face this kind of an incident of chance discovery of your partner's secret life,so to say.My heart goes out to you.

I know making a decision in such a situation can be horribly tough.After all its you who'll have to live with the consequences of the decision.

When I am faced with a situation where I don't know what to do,which path to take,I simply ask myself this:What will be best for me,now,tomorrow,five years down the line?Being objective isn't always easy but if we are able to look at something critically and objectively,without allowing our emotions to cloud our judgement,we generally take the right decision.

Hope that helps.All the best.

[amicon]

Yes my deepest sympathy this man has a serious problem.. go with your head.your heart will heal even if you may not feel this now.good luck.

[I wish]

If you feel that he's making sufficient effort and progress at regaining your trust, then give him a chance.

But if you doubt that he can repair the trust, then there's no reason for you to continue to hang on to something that is bound to end.

[crisluvsu731]

Wow, that is a shi**y situation. I would drop him and your heart will heal in time. When someone cheats on you and you break up then get back together, it can be hard to trust them again. You will always wonder if they are still doing it. It will never go away. Don't blame yourself. If he truly loved you, he would have waited until you guys were married. He said that he respected that, but actions are louder than words.

Hope everything works out for you. Good Luck!!

[artlady]

Do not blame yourself! He told you he was O.K. with your celibate relationship.You should not have to lower your standards for anyone.

If he wanted sexual release he could masturbate ,alone, without any on line communication.

Not everyone who tries to forgive an infidelity can do so.

You can try if you think the relationship is worth saving but in order to truly forgive,it takes time and work.

No one here can tell you if you have the ability to truly forgive.You may not even know if it is within your power to do so.

If you love him and you think you can regain trust than I say give it a try.Only time will tell if the two of you can successfully repair the damage.

[talaniman]

There is no reason to forgive without taking your own sweet time to think about it, without his influence.

Keep your distance, and take your time. Let him stew in his own juice for a while.

[Sooo Confused]

Take it from me, walk away now! Once a cheater always a cheater is right, and when he covers up by saying it is not cheating because it was online, anyone that shares any intimate details with another person and claims to be committed to you, has crossed that line, and you can consider that person a cheater. I was with someone for ten years, we were engaged, and yet I kept forgiving him, and swallowing my own needs of respect down, continued to plunge alone blindly deeper into our relationship. But it has now ended and I still hurt today, but I feel so lucky that I got out when I did. It is true, everyone takes a chance when they fall in love, but when the trust & respect go, there is really nothing left. I wish you luck, as you will probably stay with him, and that is fine, it is your life, but maybe one day you can offer your life lessons to someone that may learn before it is too late, unlike myself.

[apsara]

I know how hard it is, am going through the same. I wonder if your internet boy friend and my boy friend are the same? Because even I was in a relationship with him for almost 6 years now. Even he helped me through the hard time too. Damn I really have to tell you he is so good with words. Can you do me a favor as you said you found 6 other women did you ever try to remember their id? If so please email them just something. If I receive them may be it will be same. I know it sounds weired and we have to end the things. Only if you want.
Hello others what do you say? Will it be good or shall I leave it like this?

[Gemini54]

I understand your desire to remain celibate until marriage, and I'm not condoning his actions, but what I glean from your post is that you've been together 5 years - is that right?

Five years is a long time to expect someone to wait. I'm guessing that he's unconsciously left those emails for you to read to let you know that he's having a hard time waiting. I actually believe that he does love you and just doesn't know how to temper his sexual desires. The internet is a great place to remain relatively anonymous, and he's trying to create some sexual tension and excitement with these women that he may not get from you.

Again, I'm not saying what he did was OK, as it's clearly inappropriate, I'm just saying he may not know how to deal with his unresolved sexual tension. Let's face it, masturbating isn't quite the same as creating online sexual tension with a real person.

It isn't your fault. The dynamic that you've created between you has possibly meant that he didn't know how to express his needs to you and expressed them elsewhere.

I think that you both need to put aside blame and recrimination and that you should try to talk. Don't discard the love that you have for each other so easily. Sex is clearly 'the elephant in the room' for you both and you must bring it out into the open and discuss it if your relationship (and your future marriage) is to survive.

If this is too scary, then perhaps a counselor can assist you to sort through these issues. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet - fight for your relationship and be prepared to make some compromises.

[Leidenschaftlich für Wahr]

you're not married. Don't get that way. You need to find someone who holds the same values over intimacy as you do. Once a liar and a cheat... 99% of the time, they will stay that way.

[solostnconfused]

wow.
if he has become engaged to you but still cannot be faithful then he is lying to you and himself.

We talked about this, but it just turns out everything has been a lie. He says he really loves me and has never meant to hurt me in any way. He says he doesn't even know or understand why it turned out this way. He's says he's been trying to change himself to become the most ideal guy I could ever come across--he believed I would stay with him if he became that perfect man for me. That's probably the main reason why he's been unconciously lying to me. He says it's always scared him to imagine a day without me.

I know he loves me, but I fell in love with a guy who never existed in the first place.

yes my deepest sympathy this man has a serious problem..go with your head.your heart will heal even if you may not feel this now.good luck.

Thank you.

can you do me a favor as you said you found 6 other women did u ever try to remember their id? if so please email them just something. if i recieve them may be it will be same. I know it sounds weired and we have to end the things. only if you want.

I felt really bad for reading his personal e-mails. I could never bring myself to do that again. Once was enough for me. I'm sorry.

Five years is a long time to expect someone to wait. I'm guessing that he's unconsciously left those emails for you to read to let you know that he's having a hard time waiting. I actually believe that he does love you and just doesn't know how to temper his sexual desires. The internet is a great place to remain relatively anonymous, and he's trying to create some sexual tension and excitement with these women that he may not get from you.

We've known each other for 5 years, been dating for 1.5 years, and engaged for 3 months. He loves me; I know it and I feel it. He said he never wanted to "taint" me with his sexual desires or any of his "dirty" thoughts. He never takes advantage of me. He simply wanted to be with me because my existence itself, was an encouragement for him to work hard and become a better person. He's been cautious about he's actions and words; I'm not sure if he even knows who he actually is anymore. I'm worried about him.

Honestly, it's not even about cheating anymore. Everything, for the last 5 years, has been a lie. What should I do?

[talaniman]

Let the emotional dust settle, and take your own sweet time to see if you can get beyond his cheating, and lying, and if you can put this behind you, and trust him again.

If you cannot, and most people are in this same boat, this relationship is dead any way.

You have been devastated, and its understandable that you need some time to put your world, as you know it, back together again.

[jmjoseph]

The first thing you need to understand is that you, that person you see in the mirror, are not responsible for him cheating. He knew the rules, your wishes, and he agreed . I would say if you love him so much, to work it out if he cheated once. But he didn't just cheat once did he? He cheated multiple times with multiple women. That means he met, pursued, approached, 6 women that you KNOW of. There are probably more. He laid out lies," no, I'm not dating anyone", made dates with these women, meanwhile lying to you the whole time. No, this guy is not worth getting any deeper involved with. If you do take him back, do you think he'll change? No, he'd just be more careful. He realizes that he's lost the one good thing he had, you. Now he's begging back. Tell him no. Those other women probably didn't mean anything to his heart, just his sexual appetite. Do you think you could marry him, and experience that first time love making with him knowing that he's done it with those other women while you were waiting for him? No. He blew it. I wish you luck on the next one.

[talaniman]

But from his e-mails, he was fooling around with more than 6 women all at the same time.

How did I miss this?? :eek: Dump the lying cheating ba$tard. Sorry! :o

[Starry nights]

We talked about this, but it just turns out everything has been a lie. He says he really loves me and has never meant to hurt me in any way. He says he doesn't even know or understand why it turned out this way. He's says he's been trying to change himself to become the most ideal guy I could ever come across--he believed I would stay with him if he became that perfect man for me. That's probably the main reason why he's been unconciously lying to me. He says it's always scared him to imagine a day without me.

I know he loves me, but I fell in love with a guy who never existed in the first place.



Thank you.



I felt really bad for reading his personal e-mails. I could never bring myself to do that again. Once was enough for me. I'm sorry.




We've known each other for 5 years, been dating for 1.5 years, and engaged for 3 months. He loves me; I know it and I feel it. He said he never wanted to "taint" me with his sexual desires or any of his "dirty" thoughts. He never takes advantage of me. He simply wanted to be with me because my existence itself, was an encouragement for him to work hard and become a better person. He's been cautious about he's actions and words; I'm not sure if he even knows who he actually is anymore. I'm worried about him.

Honestly, it's not even about cheating anymore. Everything, for the last 5 years, has been a lie. What should I do?

You know what?I have a feeling that very very deep down,where you are actually hurt and feel betrayed,you already know you can't live with him for the rest of your life.And I must say,only a very self-respecting,strong person who can stand up for herself,can feel this way.When you say "Everything,for the last 5 years,has been a lie",I get the feeling,its more than just cheating or forgiving.I feel you have even begun thinking whether you even know this person who's been fooling around with 6 women behind your back,without you having an inkling about it.

Its like another identity of the man you thought you knew.Its like a very very dark,unpleasant revelation to you and I think that's exactly where your point is.Of questioning yourself whether the man you fell in love with is at all the man you know now.

To put all the pieces together,I think,you have already kind of made up your mind,at that very very deep,subconscious level but you are just (very naturally)being hesitant in letting go of an(apparently)loving person who keeps wanting you so badly.I think you know the choice you need to make.Its just a matter of time when you are able to take that bold,final step of ending it,after you get over the feeling of hurt and betrayal.

All the best and just know this,when in doubt,just look within.Thats what I do.

[solostnconfused]

I took everyone's advice and broke up with him. He kept begging me to stay, but I told him we'd both find someone more suitable someday. It's completely over, and we both know it. We talked for hours about this, but somehow, things ended with me cheering him up. He's been crying so much, when... I should be the one crying. My guy friend says he's guilt tripping me. I shouldn't fall for it, correct? I'm just so worried I might've made the wrong decision of breaking if off clean. I need reassurance. Thank you!

[Sooo Confused]

You really did the right thing, you made the first step to end the relationship, now you need to cut the contact, because the last thing you need is to have him GUILT you into taking him back. You have a lot of healing to do within, be good to yourself, and just know that you gave 100%, and that is all any of us can give. Good luck!