Check out some similar questions!

atuweni · Aug 20, 2009, 03:15 AM

I and my husband are married for 5 years and have 17 months old son. I discovered that he is bisexual in 3 years ago.we talked and he denied. I rediscovered gain about a year ago.he accepted. I thought I would forgive him but I cant. 6 months later I disgused myself on skype and we chated and he started falling for me. I got confused further and blasted at him and wanted to end the marriage.he threatened me with suicide. Ever since our marriage has been on a rock. He isn't emotionally attached to me. He still keeps contact with the gays friends. I can't stand the betrayal, cheating, worse off with men not just women. He is a christian so am I. but I feel god doesn't like adulterly as well. I fell like I can't stand it any longer. Financially am stable. Better off than him. I do everything for my son. Sometimes I feel for him but the thoughts of him having sex with other men keeps on coming strong. I longer feel intimate towards hi. Do you think there is a chance in this marriage. On the other hand.. what will I say to my friends and relative about the cause for divorce. He doesn't want people to know. What should I do. Please help

hheath541 · Aug 20, 2009, 03:34 AM

You need to go to couples therapy, and he should go to therapy alone. You have been lying to each other and hiding things from each other. A relationship can't survive that without help.

Do you know for sure that he's cheating on you? Being interested in men does not mean he is actually pursuing them.

I will say this, it is VERY rare for men to be bisexual. Men are almost always either gay or straight.

atuweni · Aug 20, 2009, 04:57 AM

Originally Posted by hheath541

you need to go to couples therapy, and he should go to therapy alone. you have been lying to each other and hiding things from each other. a relationship can't survive that without help.

do you know for sure that he's cheating on you? being interested in men does not mean he is actually pursuing them.

i will say this, it is VERY rare for men to be bisexual. men are almost always either gay or straight.

My husband refuses to go for therapy or counselling. He says he will deal with it himself .so I feel so hopeless. I am not sure if he is still cheating.what I see is that he still in contact with his gay friends and he does not show any intimacy with me.what do you think

hheath541 · Aug 20, 2009, 05:10 AM

I think him having friends who are gay will do nothing but help him. He needs someone to talk to who knows what he's going through. It doesn't mean he's doing anything with them. I have several gay friends, but they are nothing more than friends.

Even if he won't go to counseling, it doesn't mean you can't. You obviously have things you need to work through. While a counselor won't tell you what to do, they can help you clarify things within your own head.

You also need to understand that he's going through a hard time, too. It's not easy to admit you are not straight. It's even harder to get up the courage to tell someone you love. Having that person reject you because of it and hold it against you is a terrible blow. He needs to figure out who he is, without you trying to force him to be the person you think he was or should be.

Sit down with him. Talk, calmly. Tell him how you feel and listen to anything he has to say. Don't judge him or yell at him or try to make him see things your way.

Him withholding intimacy could have little to do with his sexuality. You are obviously mad at him and trying to force him to be someone he isn't. You're judging him because of something he has no control over and resent him because of it. He's hurt and confused. He's not going to seek out intimacies with you with all of that in the air.

Until you talk and work things out, nothing will change. It may be that your marriage will survive. It's also possible that it won't. The one guarantee is that if you don't talk in a nonjudgmental and rational manner it WON'T survive.

N0help4u · Aug 20, 2009, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by atuweni

i feel for him but the thoughts of him having sex with other men keeps on coming strong. i longer feel intimate towards hi. do you think there is a chance in this marraige. on the other hand..what will i say to my friends and relative about the cause for divorce. he doesnt want people to know. what should i do. please help

But the thoughts of him having sex with other men keeps on coming strong.
**Are these thoughts in your imagination/thinking of his past or is he currently sexually active with anyone?

If you are no longer feeling intimate with him that is only normal. You have to look at this the same as you would if these other guys were other women and deal with it accordingly without nagging and without accusations you can't back up. In other words handle it the most constructive positive mature way you can.

What will say to my friends and relative
**That should be the last of your concerns. When the time comes you just tell them you had unreconcilable differences.

atuweni · Aug 20, 2009, 06:20 AM

Thanks a lot for all your comments. I gues I also have a big role to play if he is to change. Though quite tough on my sad with all this angiush and emotional instability am experiencing.

hheath541 · Aug 20, 2009, 06:33 AM

Do not try to force him to change. That will fix nothing. It will only cause him to grow to resent, and possibly hate, you. You have to let him be who he is, even if that means he's not with you. Anything else will not be fair to either of you. The last thing you want is for him to stay with you out of nothing more than a sense of duty or guilt.

If you have suggested counseling in the past as a way to 'fix' or change him, it's no wonder he refuses to go.

You need to let go of the idea that he's broken or needs to change to fit your needs or perception of him. What he needs is someone to listen to him while he figures out who he is and what to do with that information. If you insist on trying to change him, you WILL lose him. If you are supportive and
Understanding then you will become one of his greatest friends, even if you don't remain his wife.

winding200 · Aug 21, 2009, 06:53 AM

atuweni,
I am really sorry for your marriage situation. I am catholic, anti divorce, but God does not allow adultery or bi-sexual. I do not see any meaning in this marriage any more.
1) bi sexual adultery is adultery, and no marriage can survive
2) you do not trust him anymore
3) you are exposed to high possibility of STD. HIV is more prevalent among bi sexual population
4) your sex life is already ended. You are disgusted by your husband, and you do not want him. (I do not blame you.) He is off too. Probable he is fanaticizing male partner not you. How long can a couple keep the marriage without intimacy?
5) his suicidal attempt does not mean anything to your marriage. He felt ashamed to be bi-sexual. Tried to keep you quite. Did he cheat again after this attempt?
6) open up, talk to people about your situation honestly. I would invite priest home to get a couple therapy, tell him your husband is b-sexual. Because that is the issue, but anything else. Surprisingly, there are so many similar cases in these days, and priest knows how to handle it.