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LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 07:22 AM

I am 44 and dated a 24 year old for 18 months. She was ready to get engaged and I was not. She broke up with me in January and is now dating an Iranian guy. We talked on the phone in May for three hours so I think she still has feelings for me. I do not know if she told me about the new guy to make me jealous, if it is a rebound relationship, or if she is really serious with the guy. She said there are a lot of cultural differences and it is far from perfect. I have tried the all out attempts to see her, and have told her how much I miss her and love her and am ready to get engaged, to no avail.

What should I do now to try to win her back? Telling her how much I love her and miss her is not getting it done. Thanks.

Justwantfair · Aug 17, 2009, 10:33 AM

Well maybe you should realize that you went your different ways for a reason.
I didn't hear anything in this paragraph that lead me to believe that you two have the same goals in mind for a relationship.
You are 44 years old and the relationship was 18 months. which is not a long relationship for your years of experience.
She is 24 years old, believes that she is ready to settle down and you balked. There has to be a reason for that. You can't just appreciate things once they leave, you have to be willing to appreciate what you have.
You are analyzing her new relationship to look for your opportunity to reinstitute yourself into her life.
I think it is time to see that this relationship went two different ways for a reason and I don't see anything you should do to try and resurrect the past here.
Maybe it's time for you to worry about moving on, so that your next relationship won't suffer the same fate.
At 44 years old, you should have some ideas about how to sustain a healthy relationship and most of the time that doesn't include dating someone half your age.

LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 12:15 PM

The age difference had nothing to do with the breakup. I did not feel ready to get engaged because I was not working at the time due to the recession, and she was still in school, and I felt it would be a bad move to get engaged when I was unemployed. If age had been an issue it would have come up much sooner in the relationship. I just was not ready to get engaged when I was being pressured by it all, and I am glad I did not. Are you a man or a woman, by the way? Thanks for the respnse, but your advice seems too judgmental and negative to be helpful to me. But I do appreciate your response and taking the time to respond. Thank you.

LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 12:21 PM

I am just curious how a woman or a man can tell their partner "I am so in love with you I am ready to marry you tomorrow," and then basically dump them overnight and be sleeping with a new person shortly thereafter?
It's poor behavior. This is what happened to me.

mpolo · Aug 17, 2009, 12:48 PM

I would move on...

Justwantfair · Aug 17, 2009, 12:54 PM

My parents have a twenty year age difference between them, it takes very special people to overcome the differences in life experiences of two decades.
Relationships are constinently changing.
She is young, possibly dealing with the loss of her first love and she decided to use another's affection to fill the void you left her.
You can analyze someone's actions following a breakup until you are blue in the face and you will never find anything healthy in your analysis, just frustration.
You are still in contact with her and she isn't running back to you, possibly because your confessions of love and sorrow came too late for her.
Either way there isn't a way to beg someone to be in your life, there isn't a way to convince someone to return to a relationship that they left, for their own reasons.
It sounds as if you have already been trying your hand at renewing her affections, but it hasn't been too much success.
The best thing you can do for you, is to go no contact and worry about the things that you can work on and that is yourself.
As I stated before, eighteen months is not a long relationship. If she thought that you were unwilling/unable to further the relationship she may have been trying to save herself and yourself the ordeal of continuing a relationship that wasn't a lifetime commitment.
If the issues of unemployment and finishing school had been discussed, did she not see those as acceptable reasons to postpone an engagement?

LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 01:21 PM

I have been telling her that I always intended to propose to her... We never had a sit down heart to heart last Fall about getting engaged. She never said "Joe I need to know what is going on, we have been together for 18 months but if we don't get engaged I need to move on." She did say "I don't date guys indefinitely." I was very sick last Fall with mono and trying to care for my sick sister as well. I just think she was too immature and perhaps selfish to realize that it was not all about her and her "timeline to get engaged."
I just do not still know what all the pressure was about to get engaged after 18 months.
Perhaps her parents ugly divorce and her Dad disappearing from her life when she was 12 has something to do with her clingy, needy behavior.

She broke off contact with me through a phone text message one day in January when I was too sick to drive the 70 miles I did 3-4 times a week to see her while we were dating.
I thought this was both cowardly and shallow, and still do not really understand why she broke up with me. I am guessing it was because I did not propose to her last Christmas. And all last Fall I kept hearing "I am so in love with you I am ready to marry you tomorrow," but this is not in my opinion a serious, long talk about it all. This never occurred, which still puzzles me.

LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 01:26 PM

Also, I felt that common sense should tell a smart young woman that for a man to get engaged while he is not employed would not be the most intelligent/responsible thing to do.
I just hate how she went about it all, breaking up with me. I still don't know the real reason, and feel I deserved better.

LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 01:27 PM

By the way, many thanks for your thoughtful advice and responses. It is all greatly and kindly appreciated my friend.

Alty · Aug 17, 2009, 01:28 PM

Originally Posted by LJJ2865

Also, I felt that common sense should tell a smart young woman that for a man to get engaged while he is not employed would not be the most intelligent/responsible thing to do.
I just hate how she went about it all, breaking up with me. I still don't know the real reason, and feel I deserved better.

So why do you want to marry someone with no common sense or intelligence?

You have the right to your feelings, sadly, so does she. She felt the relationship was going no where, so she moved on.

It's time for you to do the same.

Justwantfair · Aug 17, 2009, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by LJJ2865

I have been telling her that I always intended to propose to her...We never had a sit down heart to heart last Fall about getting engaged. She never said "Joe I need to know what is going on, we have been together for 18 months but if we don't get engaged I need to move on." She did say "I don't date guys indefinitely." I was very sick last Fall with mono and trying to care for my sick sister as well. I just think she was too immature and perhaps selfish to realize that it was not all about her and her "timeline to get engaged."

So you are sure that age difference was not a factor?

Originally Posted by LJJ2865

I just do not still know what all the pressure was about to get engaged after 18 months.
Perhaps her parents ugly divorce and her Dad disappearing from her life when she was 12 has something to do with her clingy, needy behavior.

What about this relationship are you trying to recover?

Originally Posted by LJJ2865

She broke off contact with me through a phone text message one day in January when I was too sick to drive the 70 miles I did 3-4 times a week to see her while we were dating.
I thought this was both cowardly and shallow, and still do not really understand why she broke up with me. I am guessing it was because I did not propose to her last Christmas. And all last Fall I kept hearing "I am so in love with you I am ready to marry you tomorrow," but this is not in my opinion a serious, long talk about it all. This never occurred, which still puzzles me.

There were warning signs all over the place.
She was looking for security and possibly even a father figure.
Someone to take care of her, be at her bidding and be happy just having her as arm candy.

So once again I wonder, what are you trying to get back?
Does this read to you like a functioning happy relationship?

LJJ2865 · Aug 17, 2009, 07:25 PM

I agree with you now that I have had eight months apart from her. However, selfish, self-centered and immature behavior exists in people of all ages in relationships... men and women. It's not just the men and women in their twenties that are selfish and self-centered. But you are right, in retrospect it was always about her. But again, selfish, unreasonable and childish behavior can happen even when people are much older than my ex-girlfriend. Maybe she will change, but I doubt it.

Thanks for the response and advice. I really do appreciate it.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2009, 09:39 AM

She has moved on, since you rejected her, and didn't give her what she wanted, and felt you never would. Hope you enjoyed it, and can accept her decision, and just move on yourself.

LJJ2865 · Aug 18, 2009, 12:48 PM

I did not reject her, it was the other way around. I wanted to keep dating and get engaged very soon. She was too selfish and near sighted to see that this was right around the corner for us, and did not have the decency to even discuss it all in person or break up in person. I have moved on, it's all I can do. There's always another girl! It's her loss.

jmjoseph · Aug 18, 2009, 01:12 PM

If someone said " hey LJ, I want to fix you up with a girl who's... immature, selfish, cowardly, shallow, unintelligent , irresponsible, self-centered, near sighted, and indecent..." Would you go out with her?

You used all these terms to describe her, that , and that she's 24 years old.

You didn't list, or mention, any good qualities.

Could it be that you're hung up on the " 24 years old" part?

Also, in my opinion, I think you wanted her more when you found out that she was dating someone.

You should move on to another girl. Good luck to you.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2009, 01:36 PM

I did not reject her, it was the other way around. I wanted to keep dating and get engaged very soon.

To bad she didn't go along with your plan, and really no one is really at fault here, just a difference of opinions, and actions, to each in their own time.

Partners that are unwilling to wait, or compromise with there other partner, seldom last long any way.

LJJ2865 · Aug 19, 2009, 07:36 AM

I agree with you both. Thanks for the advice and for responding.

chicagonative · Aug 19, 2009, 09:19 AM

I think she really wants you to fight for her. If she was ion love with the other guy she would never talk to you. Stop talking and start acting. Go and buy her the ring and give her a chance. If she walks away you gave her what she asked for.

Justwantfair · Aug 19, 2009, 09:22 AM

Originally Posted by chicagonative

I think she really wants you to fight for her. If she was ion love with the other guy she would never talk to you. Stop talking and start acting. Go and buy her the ring and give her a chance. If she walks away you gave her what she asked for.

Wow, that was beneficial to helping him keep his head on straight.
Did you read the entire thread?

LJJ2865 · Aug 19, 2009, 01:03 PM

No I am going into somplete No Contact mode and putting the ball in her court now. Since May when we talked on the phone for three hours(she called me out of the blue) I have been telling her how much I miss her, am still in love with her, that I am ready to get engaged now to her and propose, and want to see her in person to discuss something very important with her(to propose), through several beautifully written emails, and it has gotten me nowhere. She won't see me(we live about 75 miles apart).I have done enough trying to fight for her and tell her how much I am still in love with her and want to be with her. I love and respect myself too much to do anymore. I also told her I have no regrets at all now about what happens between us, as I have made it totally clear what I want. I am finished trying to figure out what is in her mind. NO Contact from me period and I see if she comes back or contacts me. But thanks for the advice and for reading. All relationships/marriages are a two way street, and since May I have been doing 100% of the work trying to persuade her to come back. I am done.