[doesitgetbetter]

One month before our wedding my husband allowed my bridesmaid (my best friend) to give him a blow job. He says that "she asked him for a hug and then felt him up and proceeded to suck him off but he pushed her away". Her version is that she was laying on the couch sleeping and he came up to her and starting trying to bang her and so she gave him a BJ to make him go away... Additionally one month after our wedding my best friend was over and it was late and I asked my husband to walk her to the car. Turns out that on the walk some flirting went on and he got aroused and showed his erection to her. He said that she asked to see it and he felt if he did not show her that she would tell me about their previous indescretion. And he did not know what to do, the risk of losing me breaks his heart. Today after 4 months of marriage I find out and feel so betrayed. I know he did not sleep with her but I feel like this is just as bad. We are newlyweds - If I stay with him, is this what my future holds, wondering if my husband is cheating? Of course he is so sorry, and blames himself and my friend exclaiming that she always flirts with him when I'm not around and that he was scared to tell me. He assures me that he will never do this again and will go to counseling or do whatever it takes for me to gain his trust again. I must add that when we were dating he cheated on me and we went to counseling and he swore this sort of thing would never happen again. It sucks because every other faucet of our life is great, we are great together, except for this. Should I give him another chance and try to make things work or annul the marriage?

[Alty]

He says that "she asked him for a hug and then felt him up and proceeded to suck him off but he pushed her away"

His will power is amazing. He pushed her away, wow. Um, how did his penis get in her mouth in the first place? Is she that strong?

Her version is that she was laying on the couch sleeping and he came up to her and starting trying to bang her and so she gave him a BJ to make him go away

What a great friend. She gave him a BJ to make him go away. That's how I get rid of people, works every time. Yes, I'm being sarcastic.

Turns out that on the walk some flirting went on and he got aroused and showed his erection to her. He said that she asked to see it and he felt if he did not show her that she would tell me about their previous indescretion.

You're actually buying this? Seriously?

I must add that when we were dating he cheated on me and we went to counseling and he swore this sort of thing would never happen again.

Now he's promising the same thing, again. Does the past not show you the future?

In the end it's up to you. Can you live with a man that will most likely continue cheating on you?

He's blaming everyone but the person that is to blame, himself. Your friend isn't any better, definitely get her out of your life, she doesn't give a darn about you or your marriage. The question is, does he? Can he keep it in his pants? Doesn't seem like he can.

So, do you stay married, avert your eyes every time he cheats or do you walk away now?

Only you can make that decision.

Good luck.

[amicon]

I understand you are in pain and I'm sorry-but did you marry the local flasher?D I V O R C E is the word that comes to mind.

[sambolad]

Today after 4 months of marriage I find out and feel so betrayed

Why you only finding out now? He will just keep cheating, I know I've been there, get out while you have some dignity and self respect left, if you do that is, he willl make you feel worthless and you'll feel that he is all you have and if you lose him then your world is over, that's what he wants so that he can control you and use you to do and get away with what he likes.

[sully123]

Doesitgetbetter, sorry for what your going through. First of all, you need to get rid of your best friend in your life. She isn't your friend, she is evil. As for your husband, I don't know if you will be able to ever trust him again, I couldn't. It's horrible! This is the man you married. To me he doesn't sound much of a person to do that to you. Divorce it would be for me.. no forgiveness.

[Silverfoxkit]

I have to agree 100% with Alty. Sorry, had to spread the rep.

Every little thing about this reeks. For crying out loud you guys weren't even married before he started screwing around on you!

The funny thing about being a guy here... you have to have a bloody erection in order for anything to happen. If he was truly not interested in screwing your not-really-a-friend he wouldn't be at full salute for her or flirting with her in the first place!

These are only the things you know he's done and I really doubt the list stops there and it most certainly is only going to continue to grow.

Personally I would have thrown the dead beat loser out before I said "I do" and I certainly wouldn't tolerate his "accidents", but that's just me with my old fashion respect for loyalty, respect, and commitment in marriages.

[Justwantfair]

Time for a new best friend and a new husband.

Strike one, shame on him!
Strike two, shame on you!

His behavior isn't going to change and they may even be more that you are unaware of.

What kind of best friend flirts with your husband/soon-to-be husband every time you leave the room!
What sort of husband allows himself to be a situation accepting a blowjob because he didn't know what else to do.

You need to rethink the kind of people you have in your life.
Set some standards for how people treat you.
Stick to them, when someone betrays you, be willing to walk away or you are just allowing them to continue to betray you. One forgiveness is enough. Time for some self-analysis and some new people to be oriented into your life.

[Ash123]

Sorry, but it's...over.

You are seeking a way to make it right and to feel better.
And, you can make it last a day more, a year more, or 10 years more,
But he violated your trust and your relationship - and you'll likely never feel whole.

Best way: Talk to him.
Get EVERYTHING OUT:All the hurt and the pain and all the emotions. Ask him to do the same.
Then, it may be time to end it.

Now you have the luxury of an ending. A clear point to start healing from. It may take a year or two BUT a BETTER GUY is out there, who will both turn you on and treat you right.
To find the right person, your life needs to be together. No drugs. No drunken nights. No sex for self-esteem. Just good connections on a deeper level.
And smart give and take... Then, it'll happen.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.

A

[doesitgetbetter]

All of you are correct... But it is so hard to close the door on someone whom is trying so hard to make things right. We indeed love each other and have a successful life together. I am 28, him 32 - Your right; It would be best to end things now and find another... but is someone really out there - that has all the great characteristics of my husband but doesn't cheat? That's the hard part... Or will I find someone with a different flaw that is just as bad or worse and be miserable forever. Right now I feel like all men cheat and some women just never find out.

I am, am "seeking a way to make it right and feel better". Everyone around us envies our love and compliments what a great future I will have with him and can't wait for us to have children. Blah, blah, blah! If only they new the current revelation. And all the gifts and money spent on our wedding $70K - I feel like I owe it to everyone to try to make it work. OMG, is this really happening.

Do I have the strength to cut my loses now? To face the embarrassment and battle each day alone having no loving arms to come home to. I imagine 5 years from now with a kid and find out he is cheating again and just dying for bringing a child into this mess.. or he really changes and 5 years from now being happier than ever. Wow!!

[crisluvsu731]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. I would advise to get out asap. He knew you forgave him last time. Why wouldn't you this time?

[Romefalls19]

Wow, 4 months hiding this secret and that's the best cover story they could come up with? Tell him, he should have went with "I was walking out of the shower and slipped and it ended up in her mouth"

You need to grow a backbone and get rid of this cheater, he isn't going to stop. He got away with it, if he felt so guilty, then why wait 4 months to tell you! And then showed him his stuff because he felt "obligated"

DIVORCE, and take everything you can. Believe me, you won't hear anything from your friends and family about you getting one if they know the story.

[Ash123]

Please re-read my post... there's a lot to think about I know.
But this is serious stuff... NEVER be a victim.
Life is short.
I think he loves you and you love him, BUT you may not be ideally suited to be in a marriage together.

Don't live with pain and sorrow! Talk and get help.

[winding200]

Oh, boy...
I think you are too naïve, and afraid to accept the harsh reality.
It is very worse than what you think.
Your husband has no idea what the marriage is about from the beginning of marriage. Marriage is about honest, trust, respect and commitment. When two people are married, their bodies & souls are belonged together for life time. Even though you are away for 10 years, he should be faithful emotionally & physically. That is about the marriage commitment. He has no concept. Period.

What happened was, your husband cheated on you
1) during honeymoon period (in this period, 99% of men are faithful)
2) for the short period while he walks your girlfriend
3) just after 3 of you spent time together
4) while you were right there at home and waiting for him with full trust
5) with the women who is supposed to be your girlfriend
6) and he cheated with the girl before marriage

It is not an accident as he is claming, but obviously his pattern, and hard to be changed.
He does not respect you. He will likely cheat on you whenever he sees opportunities for life time. You cannot trust him, and marriage is actually ended no matter what you do with it.

I think you do not have any hope, and rather divorce him to free yourself from lifelong pain.
If you decide to stay, you will live in a hell, constantly wondering if he cheats at this moment with anyone around him, accuse, doubt, and chase him, probably detect some affairs here and there, devastated, try to find some excuses for him to make you feel better, deny or forgive him or both, but still find undiscovered affaires one after another for life time. It will be only a nightmare, unless you do not mind to share your husband with all the girls in the world for life time. Do you think you can live like that for the rest of your life and have children with him? Stand up for yourself.

By the way, his excuse sounds so ridiculous, and it looks like he is mentally retarded as well. If you believe what he says, then you need to test your common sense with professional. Your girlfriend is worth for trash. It is such a shame some people have no dignity but piece of meat like body. Have you heard the story from the girl side at this time again? I am pretty sure she will claim something different story again than your husband's. It does not matter anyway at this point though, because your husband and the girl are the same kind of people. They do not deserve your heart.

What I see is,
1) Your husband initiated it each time to have sex with her, and she participated,
2) The prevous counsling did not fix him, and another counsling you like to try will not be hellpful either
3) He confessed you not because he felt guilty, but he was afraid you would find out from her
4) If you do not divorce him now, (probably you do not have guts for it at this moment), you will probably do it later anyway after suffer more.

It will not get any better. Please stop having the false hope, and prepare for yourself. I am very sorry for your pain.

[talaniman]

Get rid of the friend for sure, and see if the husband can behave. Naw, I was going to be nice, and support another chance, but I can't see him changing, and he sounds like one weak person, when it comes to resisting temptation.

Maybe YOU should go to counseling alone, without him, and see what you think is best, but just me, I would be out of there in a hurry with those weak a$$ excuses.

Keep the gifts, and take him to the cleaners. Forget what the friends say, they don't know him like you do(except your best friend, who you divorce too.)

[doesitgetbetter]

This is all really good stuff and actually helpful. I am reading and listening, but scared. I do have the guts to move on, and a big part of me is ready, but it's that small chance that I am making a wrong decision that keeps me here. Most people I have talked to that know my spouse tell me to work it out. That every marriage has problems and that we can get through this. Everyday I have to hear him crying and just hoping for a small chance for things to be happily-ever-after. He won't leave me alone. And his parents just in my ear begging me to trust him. I do see the pattern here, most likely it will happen again and those statistics, wow! I am trusting a bunch of strangers for advice with one of the biggest decisions of my life. I pray that you are all speaking from loads of experience. I really want to seek counseling - but too expensive for me right now and most reasonable ones are booked for months. I am smart, have a masters, am applying for law school. I can do better - now I just have to figure out how to get out of this wisely.

[HistorianChick]

It sounds like you need to start over. You need to fall in love with him again... because "falling in love" is not just the butterflies in your stomach. "Falling in love" is learning to trust, sharing your life, being faithful, showing compassion, giving of yourself, and receiving the benefits of a healthy relationship.

The first thing I would do is (as Tal said) get rid of the friend. She is not your friend. No friend would do that. Period. A true friend would have told you right away, not hid it (if what she is saying is true), and DEFiNITELY not stood up with you at your wedding before God, family, and friends in support of a marriage. She is not a healthy addition to your life. If your marriage has any chance of survival, which at this point, it is very slim, she cannot be in the picture.

I would actually recommend a separation period. Can you move out? Live with your parents? A TRUE girlfriend? Begin counseling - separate AND together. Sit down and have an honest conversation that airs all of your feelings. Start from scratch.

I believe that your only chance is starting new. That is, if you feel that you can forgive, trust, and move on.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. My heart breaks for you. A new bride should not have to deal with this.

Be strong. You can make it through this... and you will be better because of it.

[winding200]

I pray that you are all speaking from loads of experience. I really want to seek counseling -

I am very responsible person, I am not talking to you for fun, but based on my hard learned lesson from my ex boyfriend who is ivy league educated & wall street lawyer. Thanks God, even though we were heading toward marriage, I did not marry him, and dumped him when I found he was cheating again. I forgave him at the first time just like you did. I was too naïve, so shocked, did not know what to do with it, honestly did not have guts to break off, and just tried to be a dedicated & nice girl to turn the man 'who is possibly slipped once' to a faithful person. I thought everyone deserved second chance. When I found out he cheated on me again with multiple partners, I was not angry at him, but my false hope & my waste.

All men are NOT cheaters. However, some men cheat, and once cheat, they will likely cheat again and gain. Always the first time is the hardest, but from the second time it is much easier. Your husband cheated before and after wedding, and it is very bad sign.

Sexual moral is NOT equivalent to educational level, social status, religion, or other generic behaviors in individuals. It is something about their mind set, even generic gene, level of control and commitment. Your husband has lack of control & commitment even in the honeymoon period 'when you were right there'.

Cheating Gene?


Nobody wants to see divorce specially in newly wed couple. Neither do I. His family specially does not want to see it, because it is such a shame for your husband & family. However, I understand your situation very well, passed my best knowledge to you to help. Now, you are the person to make a decision for yourself. I like to say no matter what you choose, I will respect your decision, and will be supportive here. Wish your best luck! Take care of yourself in tough time.

[N0help4u]

Sounds like he wanted it in the first place or it wouldn't have gotten to that stage. Weak and unfaithful.
NO EXCUSE!

[Ash123]

I've seen this before.

Shock. Embarrassment. Fear. Paralyzed.

He has all the cards. Trial separation to think this through is your best bet. You love him and he's hurt you... But can he ever make it go away?
Only you can decide - but with some room to breathe. He must see that every action has a consequence.

I saw a woman get married last year and she found out her spouse had cheated during the engagement and refused to call it off. In fact, she pretended it never happened. She still does not trust him. Another woman I know waited 18 years. She wished she hadn't waited so long... Maybe you know something I/we don't?

But feel empowered... not a prisoner.

A

[jmjoseph]

Don't worry about the $70,000, or what your family and friends will think. Don't worry about finding a good man. You SHOULD worry about yourself respect. How could you even think about being treated that way? He's a liar, and a cheat. He crossed so many lines, there's NO amount of counseling that will take the memory or image of, the two of them together. Even though they didn't have intercourse, it was sex. And it will not end. By taking him back, you've given him a " get laid anytime" pass. I know you're devastated, and I feel for you. But pick yourself up, and take the appropriate steps. He's a dog.

You see, I'm a former canine myself, and I know how our species thinks. When you're cheating, you are constantly on the prowl. I was bad, but I've never heard of charges as serious as these. NEVER.

And tell your girlfriend to go to he!!