[jin]

I had a crush on this guy over a 'one-nite stand' and I'm having problem getting over it.
In fact, it's a student/teacher relationship. I've been in his class for 2yrs and we started going out about half-a-year ago. We slept together after a few times going out, I didn't really take it seriously in the beginning as I knew that we just wanted to have fun. After that, he started going out with my best fren who's also his student. I didn't really mind that time as I knew that they're not serious also. Somehow, my fren was acting in front of me, initially she told me that she doesn't like to sleep with him and asked me to protect her, however, behind my back, she's asking this guy out. I was still fine with it at that time, but what really pissed me off was that, this guy started to ignore me and only called me out only when this gal is not available... I felt disappointed as he took me as her substitute. I argued with him as I not going to let him take me for granted. I told him I won't want to sleep with the same guy with my best fren. However, I still treated him as a fren as I still see him in the class. However, he tends to ignore my messages from that time onwards which really upsad me.. I don't know what to do, I missed the time being together with him although I knew I was only one of his flings. I don't expect anymore intimacy with him but there's a lot of discomfort and awkwardnes in the class. Although he still talk to me as usual in the class but he's avoiding to reply any of my messages. What shall I do? Shall I talk to him? Or keep avoiding each other?
I don't really know whether I like him as sometimes I do feel sick of his attitude.. but I can't stop seeing him as I'm his student. He can pretend like nothing happened in the class but I'm always the emotional one. I don't talk to him at all and every time I see him talking with my "used to be" best fren.. I felt so hurt. I just wanted to meet up with him and talk... shall I confess everything to him or shall I keep to myself? Just to keep back my self-pride and dignity? But it's hard...

[J_9]

Are you in high school or college?

Student/Teacher relationships are either highly illegal or highly unethical. You should drop him and find someone you can truly be happy with. Someone your own age.

[kniller]

Its guys like him that give us bad names... If you are in high school send him to jail for a very long time... If you are in university drop him as fast as you can... If being in his class makes you uncomfortable transfer classes or get him fired ( a person like that should not be teaching)

[K_3]

You certainly want to keep your pride and dignity. What do you think you would accomplish by telling him how you feel? If he is ignoring you, it is because he does not want to talk to you or hear from you. You said it, you were only one of his flings, it will not be long and he will drop your friend for someone else. You would probably not feel as bad if he had not gotten involved with your friend.

You deserve someone better than that. A teacher that has affairs with their students does not have good morals or ethics. You would not want anyone like that. He is probably older than you and older guys know how to make a young girl feel important at the time. If you had a daughter, what would your advice be to her?

[valinors_sorrow]

I think you need help in the self esteem department too Jin. This made you feel used because you were, but you consented to it. We can leave the teacher's poor behavior out of it entirely here for a moment since that permission you gave him to use you reflects YOU not valuing you. And that goes with you wherever you go. This is not what love is. Its not even a decent stab at some casual sex. Its life as a soap opera and that kind of disconnect from reality is not wise over the long term.

I don't mean to appear hard on you but somewhere inside you I think you see these truths too. Please end this immediately and look to repair your dignity with an attitude and behavior change. Ask for help with this from an older friend, female friend, who you can confide in or your parents, especially if you are of minor age. I am talking a major U-turn here. This is going to take some work to fix but I assure you, its doable and really worth it -- you are worth it!

[s_cianci]

You've been in his class for 2 years? What sort of class is it? That's a very long time to be in the same class. Evidently this guy likes playing with fire where his career is concerned, dating and sleeping with his own students. What level of education are we talking about here? Certainly not high school I hope. Regardless, it's not good at any level. If you truly felt you had any interest in this guy whatsoever, you should have waited until you were no longer his student before seeing him socially and/or intimately. Same goes for your "ex-best friend." Unfortunately, in such a situation, it's very easy for people to accuse you of having an ulterior motive, i.e. trying to get a good grade by granting the teacher sexual favors. I'm not saying that that was your motivation but other people (probably including the teacher himself) are going to think that. Again, same goes for your ex-friend as well. Either way, I'd forget about any further degree of socializing or intimacy with this guy. It sounds like he was only using you, based on his inherent position of authority in the student/teacher relationship, as a fling. Same for your friend. You had you're time together, it doesn't sound like he's really interested in anything permanent where the two of you are concerned, so just do what you have to do to finish out the class then forget all about him. You deserve to be treated better than this. Seek out men who'll give you the respect you deserve.

[jin]

Continue from my 1st post "Confused and Depressed" :

Hey people, I really appreciate all the replies I've received. Thanks a lot for that but I still have some things to clarify. In fact, I'm already 21 and the "teacher" is 29. The class is a training for a sport that I've been involved for the past two years. I do love the training so much that I am doing really well in it and targeting to go for a tournament. However, due to all the things that have happened, is it really means that I have to give up my training?(as I really can't find a better place to train)

As I said, I am not hoping anymore intimacy with him, but I just can't forget of being treated like that especially my ex-best friend. I lost my virginity to him and I lost my trust to a friend at the same time. My emotions have been up and down during the training as I still feel hurt. He treated me nice in the class but out of it, he's just another person.
I do pretend as if "I don't care" sometimes, ignore his joke, and play around with other guys in the class. Is that what made him think that I really "dont care" and ignore me as well? But... I really care...

Anyway, if I were to leave his class as advised, I can't just leave silently and I really feel like scolding him. I notice that I'm a kind of revengeful person as my anger, jealousy, disappoinment and emotions just can't go off easily. Therefore, shall I just leave silently? Or can I tell him off how much I hate him (which I think it's a bit childish)? Or say something offending to the both of them just to get rid of my anger and disappoinment temporarily? I really can't just walk away without letting him know how pissed I am and how "sucks" he is.
Shall I?. I just need a solution to get rid of him... Thanks!

[talaniman]

Once you step over the line its almost impossible to get back. You both got what you wanted so what's the deal now? Fling over and done with so all you want to do is vent and let him know how you feel. Like he cares. What a waste, since it was you who agreed to be a booty call in the first place. Fun's over so get your boundries together and accept your mistake and move on. If you can not handle this situation in an adult mature way then you need to get out of it. He doesn't want to talk to you he wants you in bed... DUH!! Hate to be harsh, but you had a big hand in giving up your dignity, to some one who you knew didn't care. Why be mad at your friend for doing the same thing you did? You BOTH have a lot to learn.

[valinors_sorrow]

PHEW, much relief that this is an adult situation and the class is voluntary. I am sorry for your loss, him and the class too.

I don't think I have ever found closure in the method you suggest. After the "telling them" part, I discover its just another installment in the saga and worse now too if the person fired back at me.

I must say you've put yourself in a very unusual situation for seeing a former lover often and being hurt by it again and again. But may I respectfully point out, that really was your doing when you made the decision to go for him in these circumstances?

I believe it is really really important to separate what is your doing from his in this (way too easy for most people to mix that stuff up, in my book). A little writing it out wouldn't hurt. List what you are upset with item by item, then go back and assign who really was the "engine" to that, sometimes it may be both of you. This way you have a much clearer picture of his "suck" and you can "own your part" too - a valuable tool I can't emphasize enough!

If you must say something to him, I would write it out first, sleep on it and see how it hits you over a few days. It may need to change. Then if it's a go, pull him aside privately, say your piece (or hand him the note if you are comfortable with it written), leave immediately and don't look back. Over time you may gain even more grace to this and be able to appreciate all the lessons learned from this man, both good and bad.

I think you'll soon find that it wasn't because you haven't said your piece to him that has casused your struggle getting over him but instead it was you stepping back into the old story every time you went to class that was the culprit. I offer these suggestions to you now in the hopes of helping you not make errors that spurned lovers typically make.

I hope it has been helpful. I wish much healing for you.

[K_3]

Did you not say you slept together a few times and did not take it seriously because you knew it was just for fun. THEN when he hooked up with your best friend is when you got upset. I am confused at your being upset at losing your virginity at age 21 to someone that your were just having a fund time in bed with. Usually one that waits until that age would take it more seriously or be mature enough to walk away when it was over. As I said it before, I think you are just mad because it was your best friend.

Yelling at anyone is not going to make the situation any better. Write everything down as Val said and then write to him. Read it a couple of times, burn it, write it again, read it a couple of times, burn it and write it again. Then read it, it will not be as angry, if you want to give it to him then, do it. I think you will wish you hadn't. It sounds as though it was not a serious affair, you were flirting in class with others, sleeping with him in fun. That is it. Learn from this, don't have a temper trantum.

This is just what I seem to pick up from you, don't know if it is right or not.

[Wildcat21]

This guy sounds like a real JERK with no boundries.

Teachers shouldn't be hitting their students - let alone two of them.

You shouldn't care about this guy.

I think it's really unhealthy for you to have this guy as a teacher still. I would do anything in my power to change teachers. You must change teachers.

I am sure this effects what ever your trying to accomplish in class.

[bleimberger]

Jin I really don't think that you should dropped the class, I mean you have put this much time into, why quit now, I certainly wouldn't over just one worthless guy. I know how hurt you are and how used you feel, but just look at it in a good way, even though it is hard. Now you know that you aren't going to put yourself in those kinds of situations anymore. It's got to be hard being in his class, but there are many of ways of getting past it. I'm not trying to be really religious or anything but, ask God to give you strength all you need to do is pray, and he will lead you through the hardest times.

[valinors_sorrow]

Jin I really don't think that you should dropped the class, I mean you have put this much time into, why quit now, I certainly wouldn't over just one worthless guy. I know how hurt you are and how used you feel, but just look at it in a good way, even though it is hard. Now you know that you aren't going to put yourself in those kinds of situations anymore. It's got to be hard being in his class, but there are many of ways of getting past it. I'm not trying to be really religious or anything but, ask God to give you strength all you need to do is pray, and he will lead you through the hardest times.

I want to politely disagree here. I am seeing here a woman who thought she could handle herself with a casual sexual thing and it turns out she is mistaken (not a bad thing to fail at too, in my book, since many of my woman friends and I failed at it too!)

Perhaps she has discovered she has far more conscience than that (which is a good thing) but that also makes it extremely difficult to shrug him off and stay in the class. To devalue him or herself like that is not the answer and somewhere in her, I sense she knows that. She'll have to leave because to stay would mean she has to sacrifce a personal value she found along the way here, so to speak. That is where the real conflict is, not between her and him.

I realise she said "I can't find a better place to train" but my guess is in order to really heal, she'll have to settle for any place to train other than this one or find another sport all together. People lose for more than that ending relationships all the time and manage.

Then again LOL :eek: I could just be so full of... blue koolaid!

[bleimberger]

I don't know... I don't know how she feels about the class and how far she had wanted to go with this sport, I am just saying that you shouldn't just give up on a dream over just one person. I don't think that she would make herself look degrading by staying in the class, I mean she has been it for this long. This is something that she can get past, you never know she may never find another class as good as this one, I wouldn't give up on something so important over one person. All she has to do is keep her head high and not give them the satisfaction by leaving.

[Wildcat21]

Find a new instructor.

[K_3]

What sport is it?