[aesthetic9]

A little over a year ago, my girlfriend told me something that I will never forget. That her and her younger sister were molested when she was 8 years old by her mom's boyfriend at the time.

I am 19, she is 16. We had only been dating for 2 months when she told me this, so I was unsure of how to respond. And it was so shocking that I just sat there speechless. I tried to console her as best I could, but it literally blew me away. She gave no details because it was so hard for her to say and because we only had 30 minutes left together that night. But she said she wanted me to know about it. It was her "big secret" that she has only told to a select few and she cared about me and trusted me enough to tell.

Since that day, we have not spoken about it. And I wish so bad that we had more time to talk about it back then. Those words coming from her mouth literally broke my heart in two. And to this day, I still think about it a lot. Quietly, though. She doesn't know I still think about it. And I don't want to bring it up when we're together, because I know she wants to move on from it and forget the whole thing ever happened. I want to know the details, but then again, I'm afraid they may be too much for me to handle. (This sounds ridiculous to me as I'm writing it because I've been with her for nearly 18 months.)

The ways in which those few words have affected me is starting to show. I am unbelievably protective of her. I feel the need to know that she is safe every single minute of the day, when there is no real danger. She was going to take part in a 10 month foreign exchange in Japan. (Which didn't happen at the last minute.) But the entire time she was preparing to go, all I could think about was that something bad was going to happen to her while she was there. Another example would be a few months ago when she was staying at her younger step-brother's house an hour away and I asked if she would text me every hour so I knew she was okay. I played it off like I was just missing her and she thought it was cute so she agreed. The truth is that I worry about her as if she's helpless. And to an extent, she is. She is not at all assertive and very much a follower. She's shy, and does as she's asked. So it scares me to think that if a situation presented itself, she might not have the courage to fight back. I am even distrustful with her father and step-father. (I have no reason to be, and I know she would tell me if something ever happened.) But it's a fear that I can't shake. That they are an older man who is consistently around her. Combined with this fear and protectiveness, is anger and hatred. I constantly run the thought through my head that I would kill anyone who dared to hurt her. All of this because of a brief conversation about one day (at least I think) in her past.

I know something has gone very awry with my mental and emotional state concerning this. I want to know, and I'm afraid to know, what exactly happened to her and her sister.

So my questions are:
Should I ask her to revisit that horrifying time in her life so I can know what happened?
How should I comfort her if she does tell me, so that I am not speechless again?
Is there any hope for my being overly protective?

I need some help with coping.

If I was unclear on something or left out information, please ask. I want to understand the whole of this as best I can. All opinions are welcome. All of them. :)

Thanks,
aesthetic9

[peachesxoxo]

Speaking from experience, I would have to tell you that your worrying is not necesssary. Just because something happened in the past, does not mean that every person around her is going to, or even wants to, attack her. Your girlfriend should be relatively safe, as safe as anyone that's never been molested anyway. Her odds of getting hurt are not increased because of a past experience.

You can't always be there to protect her. Life is going to happen. You'll just drive yourself crazy trying to be everwhere all the time, so don't bother. Trust her. Trust her to do the right thing... you'd be surprised how capable she is, human nature proves that. Even if she's shy. I'm sure she can handle herself. If you're really worried about it, have her learn some self defense techniques.

As for the situation, I wouldn't advise asking about it. If anything, just tell her that you realize you never really got a chance to talk about it that night, but thank her for trusting you with the information, and let her know that you're there if she ever wants to talk. Then DROP it. Seriously, sometimes pushing for details before someone is ready to talk about it seems like a lot of pressure. Like I said, speaking from experience..

Try not to be too overprotective. It seems flattering now, but eventually it will seem like smothering... also from experience.

Hope you guys work it out.

[sicologistAT14]

I have resentlyfoudout that my girlfriend has been molested by her brother. Don't think anythng different of her. I'm 14 and I've dreamed of being a sicologist for a while and I'm damn good at it. I told her mom that I think something happened to her hen she was 6 or 7 and I was right. I have got a lot of information out of her. But the bet thing to do when she brings it up to be there for her. Hold her and hug her. That's what my girlfriend likes. But don't be afraid to ask questiong but don't push her to far. I'm th first person she has told. Just be chill.

[Seraph]

I have been reading all these stories in hopes that it will better prepare myself for my current situation. Im a 26 year old male. Ive recently started dated a lovely lady, who I am now crazy about. It took me 5 months of communication the get a date with her... not important. She was very much against any kind of touch and she couldn't figure out why I was doing all these nice things for her. After we kissed for the first time, she told me that she was molested as a child by two of her siblings as well as her step-father. She told me that she was neglected as a child and was not allowed out. As a child she sought out these people. No she feel as if it was her own fault, and I can see its killing her inside. I been 100% behind her decisions since she's told me this stuff. And I've also shared stories that I've never told anyone with her. Now I feel closer to her than I've been with anyone else. Its been liberating. Now the hard part. My younger self might have ran away from such an ordeal. But I'm older and stronger now. Every day I see her it seem as if she gets a little better, a little stronger, more confident. She has these self destuctive episodes that kind of scare me. She'll pound a whole bottle of wine right in front of me and then blabber nonsense for a while. I've found that listening. Repeating what she has saidback to her (so she knows your listening). And never ever ever ever judge. Saying "i know how you feel" can be the worst thing to say. Then when she's let all the poison out and is just recycling the same ideas over and over is when I try to distract her. I guess the best advice I can give you guys/girls is that in order to deal with such a difficult task you yourself must man the up. Be strong. Never lose you're patience. From what I've read and experienced people who have been molested as childeren have deep seeded trust issues. So it is our reposibilty as pateners/friends/family to show he/she what it really means to have someone's who genuinly cares and who will be there for them. Trust in them. No I don't think this will just disappear one day. It will always be there... often she'll start talking about something then retreat back into her head and she'll say something like "nevermind" "its stupid" "i dont wanna bore you". And this is always the response I give her. "baby i love you. dont hide stuff from me. i want to know everything. good or bad. i want it all. ;)". Don't FORGET THE WINKY FACE! This is the point where she cries. But it feels like good crying. Like she's letting all the poison out. And after she say she feels lighter. Like a weight has lifted off her. You can't make/force these moments. Just be ready when it happens. High intensity episodes may seem like a disaster but I think these are the moments when the greatest amount of healing can be achieved. Anyway. This has and will be an ongoing thing for me. I accept that...


Seraph