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jjcheer013 · Oct 21, 2006, 11:47 AM

Well I'm 15 years old and I recently dated a 17 year old. We "dated" for about 3-4 weeks then he said he was going to ask me out everyday of the last week of school. Then summer came and he never asked me out he said he was too busy and wouldn't have enough time to be with me. Well that was fine with me I didn't care. But then I would try to talk to him and he wouldn't even want to talk to me. But then I wouldn't talk to him anymore and when I wouldn't talk to him he would start talking to me again. It was like a random thing he would talk to me sometimes but other times he wouldn't? Then one night I saw him at the movies and I was out having a girls night and I saw him there all he did was stare at me, it had been 2 weeks since we talked or anything. Well the next day he instant messaged me online. We talked for a while and then I got off. Then the next day I would try and talk to him and he wouldn't say anything to me, which of course got me all confused again. We didn't talk then for a while. Then he "instant messaged" me again online and was talking to me and I told him I couldn't take it anymore I needed to know if he liked me or not well he told me he "didn't know what he wanted right now" and I was like whatever.
After that we didn't talk again until the 1st day of school online and we talked for awhile and everything was OK then all we just started fighting out of the blue I don't know what happened and he started telling people I was obsessed with him when he was the one wanting to talk to me. A couple days later I confronted him about it and he said he didn't say that, that other people made it up and whatever. We started fighting again about random stuff and then. He just started talking nice to me I was like umm OK. Well I haven't talked to him since that day which is about a month and a half ago when I see him at school he stares and looks down at the ground and I just walk away. I don't know why I still have feelings for him but unfortunately I do. The bad part is my friends always say stuff to him in the hallway they'll call him all kinds of names and I've told them to stop but they say its none of my business. I don't understand why I can't at least be friends with him but I don't know what to do. He was a jerk I know but I can't seem to get over him.
please leave your opinions and advice
thanks

valinors_sorrow · Oct 21, 2006, 12:30 PM

Oh jjcheer, you and your friend are young and still learning the ropes of how this all works. The best advice I can offer you is to take it easy and try to cut each other a great deal of slack. It's the exit ramp to the roller coaster ride you are on to say, "What the heck, I don't get it but I give up for now, maybe later on I'll get it?" And then let it go -- a great skill to begin learning now. I don't think you want to be the kind of girl who sincerely falls for someone, then throws someone away just like that. You aren't meant to get over him, you are meant to let it fade away in time.

If you continue to play "he did this to me, so I did that to him, all the while trying to prove who was the bigger jerk or victim" you will miss the point completely... which is both of you are just now starting to learn about all kinds of things. "Things like what" I can hear you ask...

Oh... Appropriate boundaries
Taking responsibility for one's actions
Blame and hopefully Forgiveness
How much effort it takes to really speak your truth
Gee whiz, how to even find your truth, let alone speak it and stuff like that...

I really liked what you felt about your friends' actions, by the way. No one will benefit with name calling or hassling someone. You might (gently) assert yourself to your friends, claiming that it IS as your business and, as your friends, they need to honor what makes you uncomfortable or they aren't really friends. Assure them that belittling him does not help you and in fact hurts you, him and them. That is a profound truth I think you are capable of speaking to them. See how that goes over...

And if you need more help, we'll be right here.

talaniman · Oct 21, 2006, 01:11 PM

Jjcheer-Glad you care but where I feel you'll be friends I don't think this is a b/f -g/f thing happening at all. He has a few issues so take it for what it is and don't expect a deep relationship from him, he may not be capable, willing, but just not ready yet.

jjcheer013 · Oct 21, 2006, 01:46 PM

Thanks for the advice you two but I don't even think this guy wants to be friends with me all he does is stare and put his head down when he sees me lol

s_cianci · Oct 22, 2006, 11:46 AM

Constantly seeing and talking with each other all the time is never good, especially in the beginning stages of any relationship. No wonder he felt you were obsessed with him. Now, did you notice that the less attentive you were to hm, the more attentive he was to you? There's the key right there. Don't talk to him too much, don't be so quick to reply when he calls or IMs. If he won't call or talk to you, act as if you don't care in the least. Be friendly with other guys as well. Don't gloat or flaunt it directly in front of him but let him see you in their company, talking to them. Let yourself be seen in the company of those that know him, talking with other guys as well. Word'll get around and that may light a fire under him and get him interested in pursuing you again. If he does, however, don't put too much importance on him; just let him be one part of your life only. Don't smother each other or you'll be right back where you are now, only with much more bitterness and resentment.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 22, 2006, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by jjcheer013

thanks for the advice you two but i dont even think this guy wants to be friends with me all he does is stare and put his head down when he sees me lol

LOL With all due respect and a nod to Dr Phil, are you learning anything from focusing on that?

If so, consider it learned and move on.
If not, focus somewhere else.

:)

jjcheer013 · Oct 22, 2006, 01:31 PM

Umm I don't know what u just said haha?

jjcheer013 · Oct 22, 2006, 01:34 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

Constantly seeing and talking with each other all the time is never good, especially in the beginning stages of any relationship. No wonder he felt you were obsessed with him. Now, did you notice that the less attentive you were to hm, the more attentive he was to you? There's the key right there. Don't talk to him too much, don't be so quick to reply when he calls or IMs. If he won't call or talk to you, act as if you don't care in the least. Be friendly with other guys as well. Don't gloat or flaunt it directly in front of him but let him see you in their company, talking to them. Let yourself be seen in the company of those that know him, talking with other guys as well. Word'll get around and that may light a fire under him and get him interested in pursuing you again. If he does, however, don't put too much importance on him; just let him be one part of your life only. Don't smother each other or you'll be right back where you are now, only with much more bitterness and resentment.

Well we haven't talked in like 2 months now lol

valinors_sorrow · Oct 22, 2006, 02:13 PM

Originally Posted by jjcheer013

umm idk what u just said haha?

I need a translation here please, if this is a response to my post? LOL

jjcheer013 · Oct 22, 2006, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

I need a translation here please, if this is a response to my post? LOL

What?