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Dave Ermeling · Aug 1, 2009, 10:58 AM

My 21 yr old daughter has been dating a guy for 4 1/2 years now. He's been a pretty good kid so far but they recently broke up because she found out he had cheated on her in some way. He said he knew it was wrong because it made him feel sick and that's how he knew my daughter is the one he wanted to be with.
She was extremely upset and said they were broke up and she even took down all of the stuff in her room that he gave her or that reminded her of him. A couple days later I found out she was talking to him again and that he said that he wanted to get back together with her. In the last couple days she has been spending more and more time with him.
She has been telling us that he has lied to her on several occasions and he lies to his parents all the time.

I want her to be happy but I'm a little bit afraid that if she's not going to be able to trust him that it might be bad for her to be in a relationship with this guy.
Now she is telling him that she doesn't want their relationship to continue on like the way it has for the past 4 1/2 years without some kind of commitment from him.
He hasn't been over here in our house since the break-up and it will feel a bit odd if he does come back over.

I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing. Should we (me and her Mom) forgive and forget or should we suggest she move on from him?
Any help would be appreciated.

Dave Ermeling · Aug 1, 2009, 11:01 AM

My 21 yr old daughter has been dating a guy for 4 1/2 years now. He's been a pretty good kid so far but they recently broke up because she found out he had cheated on her in some way. He said he knew it was wrong because it made him feel sick and that's how he knew my daughter is the one he wanted to be with.
She was extremely upset and said they were broke up and she even took down all of the stuff in her room that he gave her or that reminded her of him. A couple days later I found out she was talking to him again and that he said that he wanted to get back together with her. In the last couple days she has been spending more and more time with him.
She has been telling us that he has lied to her on several occasions and he lies to his parents all the time.

I want her to be happy but I'm a little bit afraid that if she's not going to be able to trust him that it might be bad for her to be in a relationship with this guy.
Now she is telling him that she doesn't want their relationship to continue on like the way it has for the past 4 1/2 years without some kind of commitment from him.
He hasn't been over here in our house since the break-up and it will feel a bit odd if he does come back over.

I'm not sure how to feel about the whole thing. Should we (me and her Mom) forgive and forget or should we suggest she move on from him?
Any help would be appreciated.

tickle · Aug 1, 2009, 11:08 AM

Hi, Dave, just let her handle this her own way. She is 21. He is, sounds like, unsure of his reception there I guess, as he probably knows she has good communication with her parents.

You will never know the exact reason for the break up. Could be supposition on her part, blowing things out of proportion. That's why I say, leave it to her to figure out

You could give him a call, after all, this has been a relationship for 4 l/2 years so you probably know him pretty well too. Try to find out just where all of this is coming from.

Tick

Dave Ermeling · Aug 1, 2009, 11:18 AM

Thanks tickle. Good advise.

jmjoseph · Aug 1, 2009, 11:20 AM

She's 21, but she's still your baby girl, right? I personally would make it crystal clear that he is not welcome in your house. He has hurt your daughter, and will again if given the chance. He obviously doesn't even respect his own parents, so to he! With him. Do you, and your wife, want him to be the father of your grandchildren? I didn't think so, as he would pass on the punk gene to them.

Hopefully, your daughter will see pass the lies, and promises, and cut him loose.

We always want what's best for our kids. We try our best to protect them from harm. If she were my daughter, I would have a little talk with him, and help him see the light. Good luck to you, a father who cares.

DrJ · Aug 1, 2009, 11:48 AM

Yikes... tough one.

I would have to go with the hybrid of both ticks and jm's answer.

Yes, she is your little girl and will always be. However, she is also 21 now and needs to handle these kinds of situations for herself. After all, we never really learned by our parents telling us as we did by experiencing for ourselves, right?

Obviously, no one wants their daughter or son (or any loved one for that matter) to go through things like this but sometimes it is inevitable.

You are her father (and it sounds like a very good one at that). You are there for you when she needs you. But you are not there to run her life for her.

Banning this guy from your house might be a bit over the top. If your daughter is somehow able to forgive him then you need to accept that, trust in her, and support her.

Has she come to you for advise? Have you had a chance to have any sort of heart to heart with her?

Realistically, that is about all you can do. She will hear what you have to say, what her mom has to say, what her friends has to say.. and she will ultimately make the decision on her own.

While you may not agree, you should support her decision.

My first marriage was quite similar... around the same age just the roles were reversed. My parents severely disliked her and made it quite clear to me. But when it came down to it, it was my decision to make.. and my lesson to learn.

talaniman · Aug 1, 2009, 11:57 AM

Join the club DAD, and welcome. As a father of a then, very young female, the hardest thing to do was to step back, and let her make her own choices, and get the blessings, or pay the consequences of her actions.

You raised her , now you have to trust her judgment (and that's pretty darn hard), but honesty, is a must, but you have to be civil also to the guy.

You can support her without telling her what to do, just express your concerns, and leave the rest to her. No matter what happens I think, she should feel like she can count on your love and support, even though you don't always agree with her choices.

Confession, we still worry about our kids, from afar though, and that's not easy.

DrJ · Aug 1, 2009, 12:02 PM

Seems we may need a merge:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...nd-382316.html

Dave Ermeling · Aug 1, 2009, 02:59 PM

Yes, I posted my problem in 2 forums basically because I didn't know where it was best suited.
Thanks for the honest and thoughtful answers guys and gals

macdoncl · Aug 1, 2009, 03:05 PM

Hi Dave, I'm a 21 year old girl and here's my thoughts. Since she is 21 she's going to need to handle it her own way but as it appears you have a close family she's going to want to support of you and your wife. I would let her know how you feel about the situation and where you stand on his visiting, it is your house after all, but most of all let her know that you love her and will be there for her no matter what. Unfortunate us girls tend to lose perspective sometimes and can make bad choices in guys based on the fear that there's no one else for us. Just love and support her, I wish you all the best.

jenniepepsi · Aug 1, 2009, 03:11 PM

I am sort of on both spectrums of this question.

First I say like tal said, welcome to father hood ;) my daughter is only 5 and my husband is already worried about her and boys lol. (no his worries are completely unfounded, I don't have a promiscuous 5 year old don't worrie ;) )

Now, on one hand, I have to say, I know your worried, and you will always worrie no matter how old she gets, she will always be your baby girl. But she is 21. You've got to let her make her own choices, and yes, even mistakes. She will make mistakes. Don't think she won't ;) unless he is abusing her or dangerous to her, there isn't much you can do to 'protect her' from all the bad guys out there.

However, on the other hand, I also want to say that you do need to sit her down, and explain how you feel about this guy. In a polite, non threatening way. Something along the lines of 'im sorry hon, but I simply do not trust him, and I feel you should know why I don't trust him.. *explain your reasons*

Its tough to go from loving your baby girl, to letting her be her own person with her own choices.

Good luck hon *hugs* and trust me from my own experiances as a young woman, if this is the worst you have to experience with her boyfriends and lovers, be thankfull ;) it could be a lot worse.

Dave Ermeling · Aug 1, 2009, 03:20 PM

I consider myself a very forgiving person and I guess that has been passed on to her. Her Mom on the other hand can hold a grudge for quite a while. We've both talked to her about the situation so she knows how we feel. I guess we'll just have to see how things progress.

jenniepepsi · Aug 1, 2009, 03:26 PM

Sorry your dealing with this hon *hugs* I know its hard (though I've yet to go through it YET lol)

I'm sorry to say that really the only thing you can do is see how it goes. Like I said unless he is abusing her or creating a dangerous situation for her or your family, there isn't much you can do. At 21, if you tell her 'you can't see him anymore' most of the time (not all girls do this) it will simply push her closer to him and farther away from you.

Good luck hon. And feel free to come here and vent about it or ask more advise anytime.

*EDIT* also, be glad that you passed on the forgiving nature to her. While it can cause trouble sometimes, it's a VERY good quality to have!

justcurious55 · Aug 1, 2009, 03:57 PM

I have to wonder if it would be better for him to be around your house more. Anytime my boyfriend is around my family, even if everything is going well, there's always the reminder from them that he'd better not hurt me in anyway. A constant reminder that he's dating your little girl and he'd better not hurt her might be just what he needs if your daughter decides to continue the relationship.

Dave Ermeling · Aug 2, 2009, 08:20 AM

All good advise. I think he got his lying from his dad. I think "justcurious55" might be right about him being better off here at our house more.
She went to the county fair with him yesterday and never came home last night. Her mom texted her at 4am and she returned saying she wasn't coming home tonight.
I've got to get my wife to forgive him and let him back into our good graces because I definitely don't want to push my daughter away. I won't stand for that. I WILL BE in my daughters life unlike my wife and her mom. My dad left my mom when I was young and I didn't get to spend much time with him. I hated what my dad did to our family but all turned out well in the end.

jenniepepsi · Aug 2, 2009, 10:10 AM

Good for you dave! Its hard to do. But your on the right track. Good luck.

s_cianci · Aug 2, 2009, 10:20 AM

Certainly you and her mother should have a long, honest talk with her about all your concerns and the potential implications. If she has a comparable maturity level for a 21-year-old then she should be able to understand and appreciate your concern. Ultimately she has to make her own decision but you, as parents, should definitely be giving her some guidance.