[tennbus]

I don't know what's wroung with this web site. I asked and tried to post the same question three times and every time I log on it just says you have never asked a question so he we go again. I have been married 13 yrs and just found out my wife as had an affair the last 18months. I do love her and we have 2 great kids but I don't know if I can ever trust her again or look at her the same way. She said she is sorry and cut all contact with the man she was with. What should I do is there a chance to get past this and move and enjoy a happy marriage .

[artlady]

People forgive adultery all the time.I forgave it years ago but I am not sure I could do it again.

Everyone is different.

I would say that if you love your wife and you want to keep your family whole,than you have to give it a try.

The reason a person cheats and the circumstances are important points to consider.

A year and a half is a long affair.Did you find out and that is why it ended?
Did she come to her senses or did she get dumped?
Did you have any clue this was happening?
These are questions that would impact my answer.
If you care to elaborate.

[tennbus]

No the girlfriend of the other guy found out and that made my wife think that she didn't want me to find out so they called it quits. I kind of thought something was going on but I would have never believed that she would do something like that to me or our family.She said the reason it happened is because she no longer felt good about herself and this guy gave her lots of attention and made her feel good about herself. She said after having kids she no longer felt sexy and that I was no longer giving her the attention she needed.

[artlady]

no the girlfriend of the other guy found out and that made my wife think that she didnt want me to find out so they called it quits. I kinda thought something was going on but i would have never believed that she would do something like that to me or our family.She said the reason it happened is because she no longer felt good about herself and this guy gave her lots of attention and made her feel good about herself. She said after having kids she no longer felt sexy and that i was no longer giving her the attention she needed.

So she is placing a good amount of this on your shoulders,you are to blame because she had low self esteem.
I think that's a very lame excuse to try to place the blame elsewhere.She does not need anyone to make her feel good about herself.That comes from inside yourself.

If you had not found out ,this could very well still be going on.
Her faithlessness or her love and respect for your marriage was not what made her end it.

That indicates to me that she simply did not care about you at all during this time.
Perhaps she does not care now either but you are probably the bread winner and she is most likely dependent on you for a variety of reasons.

It does not take a year and a half to get yourself esteem in order.Some women would be content just to have a man whistle at them.The fact that someone else found her attractive at all should have been enough to make her feel good.

Are you her sole support?
During this affair did you show her love and attention and appreciation?
Did she still have relations with you ?

You don't need to answer these questions but I am curious because if you were to forgive what indication do you have that it will never happen again?
Every time she is feeling a little insecure is she going to take this path to make herself feel better?

[Alty]

Only you can decide if you can forgive and forget.

If you do decide to give it another go then marriage counselling is a must.

The fact that she's laying a lot of the blame on you doesn't sit well with me. She had options, she made her choice, she's the one who spread her legs for another man instead of talking to you about her problems.

There's no such thing as an accidental affair.

Having said that, you do have 13 years of marriage and two kids to think about, so it may be worth giving it another shot.

I would make sure that she realizes that she is to blame not you and she has to accept responsibility for what she did. If she doesn't, then I can easily see her doing this again.

Good luck.

[artlady]

I imagine your having a hard time after all that has happened but come back and get some dialog going ,maybe someone will tell you something you never considered.
There are some cool smart men on here ,in fact I think they all are so you will get a guys perspective as well.

[tennbus]

I would love to hear advice from people who have gone through this it is very hard it's the most painful thing that has ever happened to me other than my father passing away. I think my wife's chidhood has something to do with it her mom left when she was only 5 and she was raised by her dad who had relations with lots of different women until he finally remarried. I think my wife may have issues with long term relationships but she has said she wants this to work and she is willing to get help thanks for any advice those out there can give

[I wish]

Look at it this way, in any relationship/marriage, there are times when the trust is broken for whatever reason.

What matters is, do you feel that you love her enough to give her a second chance to regain your trust? If you do give her that chance, then you have to consider whether you think she is making satisfactory effort and progress. If she's on track, then I don't see any reason why things would go wrong. But if she's at a standstill or getting worse, then there's no reason for you to think that the situation will improve. In which case, you will have to strongly consider separating from each other.

[Jake2008]

I agree with the advice already given, but would like to add my two cents.

Skip the excuses as to an unhappy childhood, low self esteem, feeling neglected, and any and all things tossed into the pot to somehow justify an 18 month long affair. (That likely would have continued had she not been caught and in a position of you finding out, thanks to her boyfriends girlfriend!).

She, and only she, without any influence from anybody or anything other than the thrill and drama of dropping her pants for a man who looked sideways at her, is to blame. She must have had some foresight into the planning and execution of her trysts. She wouldn't plan to meet him for a romp in the hay when the kids and you were sitting at the kitchen table wondering where supper was.

She had the smarts, and enough self esteem to get herself looking good, plan on the calendar around dental appointments, birthdays, and parent teacher interviews at school, to execute a selfish plan in invisible mode. She duped you, put a huge crack in your marriage, destroyed your perception of her, and put her entire life in a precarious position. All to boink some loser.

Are we to believe that she only had self esteem when she was with him? She just sort of got it topped up once a week?

You will be in a position of wanting to trust her again, and you will be vunerable to her lame excuses, puppy dog eyes, and frail attempts at proving herself worthy of you, her marriage, and her comfortable life.

Unless she is a one-eyed, 600 pound ill woman in a wheelchair with a flat tire, I cannot see how self esteem has anything to do with this.

Insist on counselling to address what she has done. What SHE has done. Not you, not her parents, not the ridiculous self esteem excuse, nothing else but what her actions have caused. This was not a one night stand after a drunken bridal shower with her friends remember (not that that is any excuse either, but better than what she's offering).

Don't let her off the hook until she makes a conscious effort to attend a minimum of six issues with a marriage counsellor. By then she should be eating a bit of humble pie.

[N0help4u]

I agree with the others only you know if you can forgive and if it is worth it.
You said

I kinda thought something was going on but .

So you do know the warning signs so you don't ignore those signs the next time.

I know women use the needed attention and feeling worthless type of excuses often to justify why they cheated. If you wife is willing to see where she was wrong in not turning to you to help over come those feelings then maybe you two need marriage counselling.

Often people do go doing something stupid and learn from their mistakes hopefully she has learned a valuable lesson and won't mess up again

[jmjoseph]

Don't you dare accept the responsibility or blame, for this affair. If she had low self esteem, and had problems with what you did, or didn't do, SHE SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO YOU. People amaze me how they think they can validate wrong doing, or infidelity by giving halfa$$ed excuses, or even blame shift. Did this guy have a magic penis? Did it solve all her problems? For 18 months she snuck off, lied , probably dropped the kids off somewhere, so she could go see this guy, this "superhero". The whole time she should have expressed her feelings to you, her HUSBAND, the father of her kids. But no, she felt she had the answer to all her problems, right there, with him. I'm sorry, it's bad enough that she cheated, but to even think about trying to blame you for her unfaithful ways doesn't sit well with me either.

Your question was "can I forgive her"? My answer is whenever she's late, whenever she's somewhere where you're not quite sure the place is, are you going to wonder... mmmm" I wonder if Captain Penis is in town"? I think no, the damage is done, It's a shame, but that is a line that's never to be crossed. If a dog bites you, do you give him 100% trust again?No , not me. She made her bed, she needs to lie in it, this time alone. Good luck to you. And may GOD bless you with strength and confidence at this time. I know you must be devastated, as you have compared it with the death of your father. It's almost worse than that, being betrayed by the other half of your very soul.

[tennbus]

I really appreciate everyone's answers. A lot of you have really good insight I just want to try and keep my family together and keep my kids in their safe happy environment. Man this is really hard though I don't know when I can be intimate with my wife again every time I look at her I see somebody who didn't give a crap about me or our family even though I know she loves her kids dearly I just wonder if the two of us can ever be the same. The sad part is on the outside we made a really good couple love the same things and generally got along really well. I realize life gives you many curveballs but man this really sucks.

[Jake2008]

I really feel for you, this is about as hard a mountain to climb as anything.

It may be that as time passes, and she can get into counselling and figure out why she did what she did, that she may realize she has much to lose. I honestly don't think the two of you together without help can really effectively mend this.

For long term security, and to get through it and live your lives with trust again, counselling will really be the deal breaker here in my opinion.

That hole in your heart will heal, if she sincerely wants to mend this, and takes the steps to do so.

Good luck, I hope it all works out.

[artlady]

Don't you dare accept the responsibility or blame, for this affair. If she had low self esteem, and had problems with what you did, or didn't do, SHE SHOULD HAVE TALKED TO YOU. People amaze me how they think they can validate wrong doing, or infidelity by giving halfa$$ed excuses, or even blame shift. Did this guy have a magic penis? Did it solve all her problems? For 18 months she snuck off, lied , probably dropped the kids off somewhere, so she could go see this guy, this "superhero". The whole time she should have expressed her feelings to you, her HUSBAND, the father of her kids. But no, she felt she had the answer to all her problems, right there, with him. I'm sorry, it's bad enough that she cheated, but to even think about trying to blame you for her unfaithful ways doesn't sit well with me either.

Your question was "can I forgive her"? My answer is whenever she's late, whenever she's somewhere where you're not quite sure the place is, are you going to wonder...mmmm" I wonder if Captain Penis is in town"? I think no, the damage is done, It's a shame, but that is a line that's never to be crossed. If a dog bites you, do you give him 100% trust again?No , not me. She made her bed, she needs to lie in it, this time alone. Good luck to you. And may GOD bless you with strength and confidence at this time. I know you must be devastated, as you have compared it with the death of your father. It's almost worse than that, being betrayed by the other half of your very soul.

Had to spread the rep JM but I agree with everything you said and I can only imagine how devastated this man feels.Your picture of his future is true,how do you ever keep from not wondering and worrying in the future when this bombshell has been dumped on you,when is it going to happen again.

[jmjoseph]

I really appreciate everyones answers. A lot of you have really good insight i just want to try and keep my family together and keep my kids in their safe happy enviroment. Man this is really hard though i dont know when i can be intimate with my wife again everytime i look at her i see somebody who didnt give a crap about me or our family even though i know she loves her kids dearly i just wonder if the two of us can ever be the same. The sad part is on the outside we made a really good couple love the same things and generaly got along really well. I realize life gives you many curveballs but man this really sucks.

You're trying to keep your family together , and that's admirable. I too, would probably want more than anything to give my children a happy, healthy home to grow in. So you're really between a rock and a hard place. I really feel for you my friend. I think the only way for this to happen is to go to counseling. By yourself, and most definitely with her. Maybe , with time, patience, and prayer, this marriage can be salvaged. I wish you the best on your difficult journey.

[artlady]

I really appreciate everyones answers. A lot of you have really good insight i just want to try and keep my family together and keep my kids in their safe happy enviroment. Man this is really hard though i dont know when i can be intimate with my wife again everytime i look at her i see somebody who didnt give a crap about me or our family even though i know she loves her kids dearly i just wonder if the two of us can ever be the same. The sad part is on the outside we made a really good couple love the same things and generaly got along really well. I realize life gives you many curveballs but man this really sucks.

I feel your pain,having been on the receiving end before and I forgave it ,well I tried my darnedest to do so but in the end ,a few years later I realized the resentment I felt would not go away and every time he did anything that I saw as nasty,I thought about the cheating.
I think if we had gotten counseling it would have helped but we were young and immature and thought we had all the answers.Love would see us through.Love wasn't enough.
If you have any hope of salvaging what is left of your marriage,please seek professional help.
Don't even concern yourself with being intimate at this time,that would take superhero strength and I doubt you have that.
Concentrate on healing,for yourself.
Please stop making excuses for her behavior.She is an adult and she knew full well what she was doing!

[tennbus]

We are setting up counceling but all the talking in the world just doesn't justify doing that to somebody you supposedly love. I told my wife even if she was a quad and could never have sex again I wouldn't cheat on her and she just says that she knows that I'm a better person than she was. She promises never to do this again and wants our lives to move forward. But its really hard to have the same respect and dedication that I've had for her for the last 13 yrs.

[artlady]

we are setting up counceling but all the talking in the world just doesnt justify doing that to somebody you supposedly love. I told my wife even if she was a quad and could never have sex again i wouldnt cheat on her and she just says that she knows that im a better person than she was. She promises never to do this again and wants our lives to move forward. But its really hard to have the same respect and dedication that ive had for her for the last 13 yrs.

You are human after all and you have just had your entire world rocked.You may or may not ever be able to regain the respect you once had.That is why therapy is a must!

You need time and space and with a lot of work and dedication,you can possibly move forward.Your marriage will never be the same but with counseling,you may be able to improve your marriage.
First,she needs to totally understand how she has devastated you and atone for what she did.
You have work to do but there are people who get through this.

[Gemini54]

I agree that such a betrayal is heartbreaking and shocking.

However, I would like to add (having been on the receiving end of such a betrayal myself) that there are two people in a relationship and that it is this dynamic that creates what happens in a partnership.

To behave as if ONE person is only and solely to blame for infidelity is naïve and ignores the fact that two people create what happens in a relationship.

Yes, it was wrong for your wife to seek affirmation and solace outside of the marriage and to betray your trust in this way, but I would ask you to consider what YOU contributed to her responding in this way.

In my experience it is REALLY important to analyze your relationship dynamic and to listen to the reasons for the breach of trust and betrayal. You may not be able to do this at the start, because you're angry and rightly so, but you will have to listen eventually if you want to repair the marriage.

As I found out, both partners have to take responsibility for what they contributed to the dynamic that created the infidelity if the relationship is to recover. It's confronting, but it's worth it.

Please consider going to counseling yourself, your marriage won't survive if you place the entire responsibility for the infidelity solely at her feet.

[artlady]

As I found out, both partners have to take responsibility for what they contributed to the dynamic that created the infidelity if the relationship is to recover. It's confronting, but it's worth it.

You and I are usually on the same page and I agree that when he thought something might be going on, what happened? What did he do at that point?
That is the only time I see him as being culpable for anything.

Of course I have only heard his side.

Even so ,if she was feeling unattractive ,oh boo hoo ,what woman doesn't from time to time?

But I also don't think its always someone's else's fault.When I got cheated on ,I was not at all to blame for that ,in any way shape or form,he just wanted to play around.Period. We are friends to this day and I'm talking 30 plus years ago and he admits it and he regrets it and is still in love with me.

Some people are just so self centered and into them self that they don't care who they hurt to feel better about them self.

Or they just want to have fun at anyone's expense.
If she didn't get busted ,she would still be boinking this guy,guaranteed.

I have been with my BF for 12 years this month and he is not always telling me I'm beautiful.I know what I am and I'm mature enough to not need constant declarations of love.I get that but that *oh you are so beautiful* crap ,I don't need it.

The hearts and flowers stuff does not last forever.

I think that is why people stray ,because they have this misguided idea that they can be like they were from the first date.

Sorry. that intense rush is replaced by something deeper and more meaningful.

So ,I don't think that there is a reason that both people share in.I know a man right now who is cheating on his wife of 25 yrs. And she is nothing but a sweetheart.He is just needing a middle age boost to his ego.

I get what you are saying about it takes two but when it comes to cheating,sometimes its just selfish satisfaction.

Hay ,so we are usually on the same page so its all good ,right :)