[timsueoc]

My husband frequently spends all night talking alone to a woman friend of ours. After everyone else has gone to bed, they stay up "talking" sometimes until sunrise. They say they enjoy talking to each other. He swears his loyalty to me and says there is nothing sexual. She says she values my friendship and she says my husband loves me very much. What are the chances they are innocent? Why don't they see that I am uncomfortable with this? (I have vocalized this to my husband, but not the friend.) Why couldn't they just GUESS that a wife would be uncomfortable with this and feel uncomfortable themselves? Should I intervene?

[danielnoahsmommy]

Sounds like an emotional affair. I would express clearly and in simple words that you are uncomfortable and wish it to stop. If he continues you will realize how he feels about you and you can address the situation accordingly.

[Justwantfair]

I have guy friends that I am close to and that I talk to frequently. But I am always considerate of my partner's feelings, if he wasn't comfortable I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Why is he up all night while you sleep? Doesn't that leave him sleeping all day while you are awake?

What is the situation with the friend? What is her status? Why are these conversations taking place all night long?

[ZoeMarie]

If it upsets you, you've talked to him about it, and it still happens it's time to take the next step. Does this happen frequently? Once in a while? It sounds to me like you need to sit down and talk to him about this a little more thoroughly. I understand that men and women can have friendships with someone of the opposite sex, but to stay up all night talking seems a bit odd to me.

[cjeep23]

I agree, there is definently something going on here. It may only be an emotional thing, but it is absolutely not right for your husband to be doing this. Especially if he knows that it makes you that uncomfortable.

[s_cianci]

Just tell your husband that, if he needs to talk with someone, all night long or whatever, he should be talking with you. Likewise, tell your friend that she should be talking with her husband (if she has one.) And if she doesn't have one, tell her to find another single friend to latch on to for these all-night "chats."

[I wish]

You've confronted him and he brushed it off my saying that it's nothing sexual. But you are uncomfortable with the emotional aspect.

As a husband, he should be more considerate of your feelings. But as the person uncomfortable with the situation, you have to sit him down and make your feelings CLEAR and PRECICE, otherwise he will keep brushing you off.

[excon]

Hello t:

If I were to pick which one of you should change your behavior, I'd have to pick you. It's NOT that I don't understand where you're coming from. I do.

But, he ISN'T violating your trust. He ISN'T cheating. Frankly, I think you'll do long term damage to your relationship if you DO intervene.

excon

[timsueoc]

Thank you all so much. I have recently learned about emotional cheating and approached my husband that way. He was shocked something non-sexual could hurt me so bad, but takes it seriously and says he will never be alone in her company again (SHE IS SINGLE) in order to avoid hurting me further.

Friday (3 days ago) I have -through email- sent her the emotional cheating information I found and I told her I wanted to talk. She texted me her mother is in the hospital and she wants things to "settle down" before we talk. What I'm wondering now is: Is she a friend to me? Wouldn't a real friend have made some time to reassure another friend - given the degree of upset I've made clear to her?

[timsueoc]

Hello t:

If I were to pick which one of you should change your behavior, I'd have to pick you. It's NOT that I don't understand where you're coming from. I do.

But, he ISN'T violating your trust. He ISN'T cheating. Frankly, I think you'll do long term damage to your relationship if you DO intervene.

excon

Yes! Yes! This is where I'm torn! I like to let people be themselves! I feel like a jerk but I am SO hurt and sometimes cry myself to sleep when they are up alone...

[I wish]

You should try to work things out with your husband first before worrying about this woman.

If she was a true friend, she would know herself that it would be hurting you by talking to your husband all night.

If you feel SO uncomfortable, you have to bring it up. You are married, you should be able to talk about anything with your husband.

"He was shocked something non-sexual could hurt me so bad"

That sounds like progress to me.

[excon]

Hello again, t:

Wow... All that happened in the last 45 minutes?? We're either THAT good, or you've been pulling our chain...

excon

[timsueoc]

Yes! Yes! This is where I'm torn! I like to let people be themselves! I feel like a jerk but I am SO hurt and sometimes cry myself to sleep when they are up alone...

I feel like they are getting closer and closer and I am getting more distant from both of them.

Part of me says, Let it play out... if it's meant to be... you can't stop fate... etc...

[Ash123]

GOOD NEWS: He isn't sleeping with her. I'm confident of that.

BAD NEWS: He is not respecting your space 100%.

I think this will all be fine, but just be open and honest and say that if his best friend is not in the house (i.e. you) you are not comfortable. And that is normal. She is no devil, but leaned on a shoulder that was married and was not comfortable for you... some people it would not bother... if it bothers you, it's good to talk it out.

That said, your communication skills worry me. Why are you crying yourself to sleep rather than talking to him?
Don't let this get too big in your head before you all speak.

How old were you when you got married? How long did you date?

[timsueoc]

Hello again, t:

Wow.... All that happened in the last 45 minutes??? We're either THAT good, or you've been pulling our chain...

excon

Yes, well I wanted some answers on the original situation. I found this site AFTER I intervened and have been questioning myself... and questioning EVERYTHING! I didn't feel good about their talks, but also I don't feel good about my intervention :(

[Jake2008]

I think he has no business 'frequently having all night talks with a woman friend'. Would it be acceptable if you didn't know her?

I think you need to give your head a shake here and realize that it is NOT right!! He needs to put a stop to the conversations, and your friend needs a reminder of boundaries and that she has crossed the line with a married man!

What do they talk about- baseball? Politics? Potty training? That might take up all of five minutes, a stretch, but maybe 10. THEN what are they talking about.

In my opinion only a fool would think that isn't the first step in developing a relationship that will go beyond a telephone. Maybe it has already.

I can't believe that this would be considered harmless... sheesh.

[timsueoc]

I think he has no business 'frequently having all night talks with a woman friend'. Would it be acceptable if you didn't know her?

I think you need to give your head a shake here and realize that it is NOT right!!!!!! He needs to put a stop to the conversations, and your friend needs a reminder of boundaries and that she has crossed the line with a married man!

What do they talk about- baseball? Politics? Potty training? That might take up all of five minutes, a stretch, but maybe 10. THEN what are they talking about.

In my opinion only a fool would think that isn't the first step in developing a relationship that will go beyond a telephone. Maybe it has already.

I can't believe that this would be considered harmless......sheesh.

Absolutely right & when I ask what they talk about they both answer NOTHING. Everyone calls me a naïve, passive, blonde - but I do catch on eventually. This is the 3rd summer this has been happening.

[I wish]

Absolutely right & when I ask what they talk about they both answer NOTHING. Everyone calls me a naive, passive, blonde - but I do catch on eventually. This is the 3rd summer this has been happening.

Wow, more facts come to light. This sounds like a much bigger problem than when you first posted the question.

1) Either you have very poor communication skills and he just doesn't understand the pain that you are going through.

2) Or he just doesn't care.

At first I thought it was 1), poor communications skills, but now I'm leaning towards 2). You really need to sit him down and be PRECISE and UPFRONT with him. This problem won't fix itself magically.

If there's no improvement in his behavior, then you will have to take more drastic measures such as marriage counselling.

[expattoexpert]

That is inappropriate and disrespectful. So you ought to speak up about it immediately. If you allow this to continue yourself esteem will be to the floor. Stop it before it is too late.

[timsueoc]

GOOD NEWS: He isn't sleeping with her. I'm confident of that.

BAD NEWS: He is not respecting your space 100%.

I think this will all be fine, but just be open and honest and say that if his best friend is not in the house (i.e. you) you are not comfortable. And that is normal. She is no devil, but leaned on a shoulder that was married and was not comfortable for you...some people it would not bother.....if it bothers you, it's good to talk it out.

That said, your communication skills worry me. Why are you crying yourself to sleep rather than talking to him?
Don't let this get too big in your head before you all speak.

How old were you when you got married? How long did you date?

I, too, am shocked at my communication skills! I pride myself on expressing myself honestly and constructively. I guess I've been fooling myself. Fact is, once I asked him not to do it and he PROMISED he wouldn't (2 years ago)... alcohol is involved - they stay up all night DRINKING and talking - - and he said he wanted to stay up talking and didn't remember (OR HONOR) the promise.

This is my second marriage. I have been married now 10 years to a man 18 years my junior. I am 53, she is 47, he is 36.