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wth_happened · Jul 26, 2009, 10:09 AM

Ok, I really need help with this one. I met someon a little over 2 weeks ago and we hit it off instantaneously. He told me he never married and lived with his girlfriend for 14 years but they split up last year. During that time we met about 6 times... we were always in touch via on-line, texting and talking on the phone daily. Before we met we both said we didn't want complications... I told him I did not want to change my life meaning I was not looking to move in or marrying anyone. He seemed to hear he did not want any strings or commitments as he said at that time he was still messed up over his ex (she cheated on him last year and so had trust issues) and confused as to what to do. Anyhow, we have never fought... we both agreed we loved how we got along including sexually. He could not see me enough and no, we did not always have sex, he did take me out. Anyhow, last time he was here was Tuesday and he spent the night... everything was fine and then on Thursday evening I receive this email from him saying that he had not been completely honest and felt like a jerk for not telling me but that he and his ex still lived under the same roof. He said he had not slept with her in 4 years and that they were more like best friends. He was saying that she had been talking to him about giving it one more try before calling it quits (they had been together for 14 years). I thought now she wants to try? Is it because she sees he is happy? That he is moving on and she doesn't want to lose that? I just thought it was odd that they had over a year to try and work this out and they decide now to try?? Yes, I was upset and then he got mad at me for being upset. I told him I was hurt and he said is this what this is all about? He said we were friends, we said no strings, no commitments and no complications but that was before we met and found out we really liked each other so why is he throwing that in now and why is he so mad at me for being upset??

liz28 · Jul 26, 2009, 01:21 PM

You only met this guy 2 weeks ago and you moved way too fast. You exchange too much emotions with him and you didn't even know him. You just went on the things he told you and then made the mistake of believing him.

You and he didn't have a relationship and he told you before him that he wanted a no strings attach thing. I guess you thought once the two of you had sex things changed but it didn't.

Now you know the truth and instead of being mad that he is mad with you you should just leave him and stay away from him. If he wants to work on rebuilding a relationship with his ex then let him. Don't get upset with his girlfriend because she did nothing to you.

In the future be more cautious with who you meet and get to know them. Don't believe everything you hear. And give it more than 2 weeks.

winding200 · Jul 27, 2009, 06:01 AM

Why do you offer your body to someone who will have no string with you?
Are you making yourself extremely easy for men to have sex?
Your message is actually "hey guys, you do not have to worry about me at all, and can have sex with me for nothing."
Please have self-respect and work on the real relationship.
It is stupid to set you up in the 'no string' condition, sleep around, and develop feelings by yourself (aginst your set up) & get upset.
It does not help anything, but ruin yourself further.

It is very simple to fix.
1) Move on from this guy. The entry was wrong. It will not work. He absolutely has no respect or feeling for you.
2) From no on, you say nothing about the "no string" BS in the any date.
You will be treated as a decent girl not a 'free hooker'.

Decent men have no respect on girls who voluntarily suggest "no string" hook up. They despise them actually.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 06:19 AM

To add to what the others said and answer your question so mad at me for being upset?
People will get mad at you for being upset because it sort of throws the blame, fault or guilt back on you. It can even make you feel like your hands are tied where he is right end of story. Basically it is a manipulation tactic.
They often will revert back to some past issue and emphasize it to 'win' their point but they will flip flop when you try bringing up a related issue from the day before telling you to leave the past in the past. They use whatever to their convenience even when it contradicts their other tactics just so they can have a hold over you.

wth_happened · Jul 27, 2009, 06:36 AM

Thanks everyone for responding. Nohelp thank you for answering my question as to why he would be mad at me for being upset. I wondered if it was the guilt thing he had. I know what we had and it was very special. I have not spoken to him since that night. He will need to deal with his stuff first if he wants me in his life at all.

Winding thank you for your efforts. I never agreed to the no strings... I said no complications but he heard no strings, big difference there.

Liz28, you are right... we moved too quickly. Neither of us expected all this to happen, meaning really like each other. He is in a dilemma and I asked for no complications... this is a huge complication.

Justwantfair · Jul 27, 2009, 06:40 AM

I can tell you that a man who has been dating his girlfriend for fourteen years has some commitment issues. If he comes back into your life, it won't matter how special and great your relationship is, you will probably be getting just more of that from him. Even if he were to walk away tomorrow, he would need about two years to himself otherwise you would just be the rebound.

Move on, don't maintain a hope that there is a future in this relationship, no matter how wonderful your two weeks + were.

ZoeMarie · Jul 27, 2009, 06:45 AM

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

I can tell you that a man who has been dating his girlfriend for fourteen years has some commitment issues.

For real!

wth_happened · Jul 27, 2009, 08:49 AM

My thoughts were he was mad at me for being upset because I was not being supportive... you know "yes baby... do what you must and I will be here waiting for you"... no.. My response was "you knew exactly what you were doing?" and I wished him good luck with his relationship. He said it was killing him keeping this from me and was a selfish prick for doing so but knew that I would not give him the time of day otherwise. I think he was banking on me falling for him to the point where I would do just about anything for him... NOT. He said to me wouldn't you have rather I told you than 6 months down the road you found out?? I said "no, I would of rathered you left me alone". I feel good with how I dealt with this situation. Yes, I miss him... yes, he was right I was falling for him but I am not into complications and I meant it. Also, this is why he said to me no strings because he was still dealing with this situation. I am glad he told me on his own though and not that I found out. I am actually so surprised at how much time he gave me and how available and attentive he was to me. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was falling for me big time. I can't see someone going through the trouble just to get some or would they??

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 08:55 AM

Yeah he expects you to be supportive but is he supportive of you? Some people are just so one sided. You need to take a good look and figure if he is doing the things he does from a selfish one sided perspective that is all about him.
They are usually the get even types and will sometimes go to great lengths to get even.
They even justify it by thinking you have to learn a lesson and they are going to be the one to teach you,

I don't know if this is the case with him but really think about it and see where he might be like that.

liz28 · Jul 27, 2009, 09:01 AM

Yes, some people would be do or say anything to get some nookie but I glad to hear your past it and is letting him go instead of being stuck.

Your heading in the right direction and there are single and available men out there. Time to get out your fishing hook and go fishing.

Justwantfair · Jul 27, 2009, 09:06 AM

He was in a different mind set while you were dating assuming he was truthful. He was looking to move on with his life.

Yet when the opportunity arose for him to work out a relationship that he valued for fourteen years, he knew that he wasn't ready to move on.

Don't analyze too much, just know that he wasn't the right person.

wth_happened · Jul 27, 2009, 09:27 AM

Yeah I did say to him... "your wife did this to you, not me!"

You have been very helpful NOhelp, thank you very much. I guess I needed some re-assurance. That last thing I need is another controlling and manipulative man in my life.

Justwantfair · Jul 27, 2009, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by wth_happened

yeah I did say to him ... "your wife did this to you, not me!"

You have been very helpful NOhelp, thank you very much. I guess I needed some re-assurance. That last thing I need is another controlling and manipulative man in my life.

He didn't have a wife, he has a girlfriend of fourteen years. It says a lot right there.

wth_happened · Jul 27, 2009, 09:31 AM

Yeah, well to me it is the same thing hence why I called her his wife to him. He seemed to like to keep reminding me he was never married lol.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 09:34 AM

Yeah he knew what you meant but correcting wording is another tactic to take the point off the issue.
I hear so many guys call girls 'my wife' when they may have only been dating a month or two. But when it isn't to their advantage to call them wife or ex wife then they will make the wording an issue.
Either way you should be able to look back on everything you know about him and see the patterns.

Justwantfair · Jul 27, 2009, 09:34 AM

Originally Posted by wth_happened

yeah, well to me it is the same thing hence why I called her his wife to him. He seemed to like to keep reminding me he was never married lol.

Because he is a commitment phobic so he very easily discerns the difference and has to ensure that you understand she is his girlfriend. He probably won't married this women and it would have predicted a very difficult picture for your future. You should mentally thank him for walking away after two weeks because he will walk away from her after fourteen years and I can tell you that is a lot more heartache.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 09:46 AM

Two weeks?

I tend to forget specifics rereplying to posts and get the posts a little blurred. Gee two weeks. He thought they were broke up so he moved on by looking for a rebound, wife and him working things out, your high and dry out of the picture. He has a history with his wife.
Sometimes threatening and acting on leaving is a wake up call. She may or may not want him back for the right reasons but that doesn't matter it is THEIR decision.
The 'I haven't slept with my wife in four years'
Is a line married guys give girls to feel sorry for them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard guys say that.

Justwantfair · Jul 27, 2009, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

two weeks?

I tend to forget specifics rereplying to posts and get the posts a little blurred. Gee two weeks. He thought they were broke up so he moved on by looking for a rebound, wife and him working things out, your high and dry out of the picture. He has a history with his wife.
Sometimes threatening and acting on leaving is a wake up call. She may or may not want him back for the right reasons but that doesn't matter it is THEIR decision.
The 'I haven't slept with my wife in four years'
is a line married guys give girls to feel sorry for them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard guys say that.

This was not his wife, but his girlfriend of fourteen years. It's a different spin on the story.

wth_happened · Jul 27, 2009, 09:54 AM

They only live under the same roof (so he says). They broke up but they continue to live under the same roof because of convenience and expenses but now she wants to work on the relationship with him. But why now after over a year does she want to work on it? I personally think it's because she saw he was in a very good mood and moving on and probably figured out he met someone else. I just think it's odd why now she wants to work on it when they had over a year to fix things? He feels that after 14 years, he wants to make sure. He says he is confused about how his feelings for her. He says he still has feelings for her but then he doesn't. As for whether he leaves her or not... I say she should have thought of that when she decided to have an affair on him but you are right in that he did do me a favor telling me.

In reading all this it also sounds like he was working on me so that he could have the best of both worlds and when he realized that wasn't going to happen, he then got mad, hence same time I was upset.

N0help4u · Jul 27, 2009, 09:54 AM

How is it a different spin? If he went back to her he must want to work things out.