[Trinichica]

So here's the deal; my husband finds out about 5 years ago that he has a daughter. She is 12 years old. We have an 11 year old daughter together and a 15 year old daughter. It was rough in the beginning but all of the girls and myself have a pretty good relationship but dad and 12 year old are not clicking the way they should. He loves her very much and tells her pretty often but he is not the social butterfly... just does not like to do to many activities with the girls, so they are not bonding as much as they should be...

I basically have to to do planning for everything that we do, or the kids are staying indoors... so the issue at hand now is, she told him that she misses her "other" father... the one that raised her before my husband came into the picture... keep in mind that she got in trouble recently and now all of this is coming out.

He is very hurt because he doesn't know if she said this because she really means it or if it is just a direct response to getting in trouble.

She has never said it before... at least not to me of him but I have wondered from time to time if she misses her old life.

Direction anyone?

[jenniepepsi]

This can be... well I don't want to say 'normal' but I will say it can be common. I would suggest family counseling for them both. Get them together to find out what isn't clicking.

And also remember, she is 12, often a 12 year old won't click with a parent who has been in her life forever, let alone a parent who just came into the picture a few years ago.
And remmber that he is a dad, not a mom. Dad, even dads who have been there the whole time, often feel they have noting in common with their preteen girls.

Good luck hon

[s_cianci]

This is kind of hard to follow. Your husband's daughter was 7 when he learned of her existence from what you're saying. And over the course of the next 5 years her "old life" is totally gone? Her mother and the man who I presume had been raising her as "dad", mom's husband or whoever, are totally out of her life? Also you imply that this child was born between your other two daughters who are 15 and 11. How'd that happen? Did your husband have an affair? Or is your 15-year-old not your husband's blood daughter? I think you need to provide some more concrete details here before anyone can give you a meaningful response.

[liz28]

I agree with the above post. Does his daughter lives with the both of you?

Also, keep in mind that this were all new to her too. Can you imagine being raise by a guy you thought was your dad but to only be told at 7 he wasn't?

Your husband could tell her everyday he loves her but the words doesn't hold any weight if she doesn't feel loved by him. I think just the two of should do things together and start bonding. This can change now but it starts with him. He needs to start bonding with her because I am sure he have bonding with his other kids and she knows it.

[Trinichica]

To s_cianci... very complicated I know.
1. Old dad... not her mom's husband/boyfriend... short relationship; wasn't in the child's life very much... but his family was very involved.
2. My oldest is not his but he has raised her since she was 2 yrs old.
3. Yes, her old life is TOTALLY gone... she has nothing to do with her previous family.
To liz28... she lives in Georgia with her mom but visits every summer... used to live in NY (where we live) for at least the first 2 years of her "reunion" with her dad.

To add a little bit more... my husband was told when the child was born that she was his and then the mother changed the story and then moved away... we had our daughter between that time... for 7 years, his daughter was under the impression that someone else was her dad... when the other dad found out that he wasn't her father... he skipped town and has never been heard from again.

A mutual friend sees my husband one day in the street... and knows his daughter... the resemblance is uncanny... they look just alike... the person told him he should do the DNA testing... he did and you know the result... so here we are now trying to get to know her and let me tell you all... it was not easy in the beginning... her mom tried to make things difficult but we made it through and everyone now gets along pretty well.

To Jenniepepsi and Liz28... thanks for the words or wisdom... To Cianci... now that I have tried to fill in the blanks, any tips?

Thanks all.

[talaniman]

Why not step back, and let them do there thing, at there own pace.

[Wondergirl]

Dad and this daughter should do something concrete -- read a book together (she reads one chapter one evening, and he reads the next chapter the next evening). They can have a discussion after each chapter has been read. The library will be more than glad to give you a list of terrific books. The first two I thought of were The Bridge to Terabithia and Holes. The Secret Life of Bees is another one. All three have interesting characters and plots that are fun to talk about.

Another bonding activity would be to put together jigsaw puzzles. My parents set up a card table every Friday afternoon for the puzzle of the weekend/week. They started with 200-piece ones and worked into 1000-piece ones (camel caravan in the desert... brown, brown, brown... I still have nightmares).

My dad and I planted a vegetable garden and tended it together. My mom and I did the same but with a flower garden. I learned to identify weeds and spiders and bugs and good plants.

Working together on something concrete will focus their energies and encourage conversation. Set up an hour at first and let the time vary depending on circumstances.

[liz28]

Wow, his daughter had it tough and it isn't uncommon for her to miss her old life with who she thought was her dad for years. However, her mother created this mess but it isn't too late for the dad to build a relationship with her.

[Trinichica]

To: Talaniman... I tried the stepping back thing and letting them do their own thing... and their own thing was NOTHING!. Wondergirl... Sounds like some great suggestions... I will be getting some puzzles on my way out of the office... my plan is to take the other 2 girls out and letting them do their thing alone... I get it Talaniman but he needs a little boost... he won't do it on his own.

[talaniman]

he won't do it on his own.

So you think you can do it for him? Or worse, make him do it?

Back off, I know you mean well, and you can make suggestions, but their relationship is theirs. What you see as nothing, may not be the case. Let them handle it.

[Trinichica]

Wow... honest feedback from all... many have great points that I will consider... my girls (including her) are with me today at the office so we plan to have a great rest of the day... with or without dad... have a nice weekend all... until the next time.

Thanks again.