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mommaofthree · Jul 14, 2009, 08:22 PM

I've been with the same person for a year and a half and it feels like no matter what I do sexually it doesn't matter... I fould out in march that I have cervical carcinoma in situ and he has been very supportive but sometimes I think that he forgets when its all that I think about... its always hurt when I have sex and when we do have sex I try and grit my teeth so he doesn't know and when it does hurt and he sees it I lie about it I don't want him to think that I am making it up my thing is I don't know how to make him see what I feel we are 8 years apart and I love him very very much we have one son together and I am hoping for another kid but my heart breaks when I don't know how to tell him what I feel deep inside when I do try I get tongue tied and I can't get out what I am trying to say... he thinks that I don't want to have sex with him but its not that its just that I am so sick and tired of hurting all the time that sometimes I jusst wish that I was someone else so I could really enjoy it for all its worth...

jenniepepsi · Jul 14, 2009, 08:36 PM

Quit lying to him. If it hurts, TELL HIM IT HURTS> don't get tongue tied. Just TELL HIM. He can only think what you communicate to him. And what you are communicating at the moment is that you simply don't want to have sex. He doesn't know the reason because your not TELLING HIM.

mommaofthree · Jul 14, 2009, 09:11 PM

OK I am going to be about as bold as I have ever been and ask a?. how can I losen myself up about oral sex mine and his? I can't help feeling self conscious about it when I am doing him and when he tries to do me... I get really really embarrassed and I don't know how to make myself not... if you have an adxice id greatly appeciate it... im a such I loss I want to do it and I want to enjoy it... :D

Wondergirl · Jul 14, 2009, 09:21 PM

Originally Posted by mommaofthree

ok i am going to be about as bold as i have ever been and ask a ?.....how can i losen my self up about oral sex mine and his? i can't help feeling self concious about it when i am doing him and when he tries to do me....i get really really embarrassed and i dont know how to make my self not......if you have an adxice id greatly appeciate it.....im a such i loss i want to do it and i want to enjoy it.........:D

Ask him what he wants and how. One session can be a learning session. There are books with pictures at the library too. Also, there's probably a web site on this too, but he is the best one to tell you what feels good.

smoothy · Jul 15, 2009, 05:37 AM

First off, there is no real reason to be self conscious about it. Every person has their own style... I've never had two women do it the same.

THe key is communication, you find out what he dislikes and avoid that... there won't be that much he dislikes however.

Doing it because you want to do it is key... if you are reluctant it shows. You will get better with practice so remember that. Now as far as he goes its about the same... you tell him what feels good when he does it, and let him know when anything doesn't feel good. You have to be honest and direct about this. I don't know any mind readers. He does however have to be receptive as well as you too. It's a two way street.

You do have to sit down with him and explain the pain issue, maybe the next doctors visit have him there as well so the doctor can explain to him as well, help him understand. Maybe he's had women give one excuse after another so long he just see's anything as another excuse.

Watch some porn, see some of the techniques they use... there are videos on how to deep throat as well that are geared specifically for this, as well as guides to fellatio, in both book and video format.

There are also videos for his benefit as well, as most guys are clueless about doing a woman... thats called cunnilingus. Same there, as there are books and video guides. THen you have anal sex. Just because the baby machine is on the fritz, doesn't mean you have to suffer, or that he has to go without.

Synnen · Jul 15, 2009, 06:18 AM

If you cannot TALK about sex and sex acts with someone, openly and honestly--you shouldn't be having sex with that person.

ALSO--if you LIE to someone about what's going on with you, then how the HELL can they possibly be on the same page as you?

Stop lying, and start communicating, even if it's not "smooth" communication at first. Frankly, you deserve the fight that you'll probably end up having, because your LYING got you in this situation.

jenniepepsi · Jul 15, 2009, 07:11 AM

(have to spread the rep synnen)

Definitely agree. You said it better than I did!

Gemini54 · Jul 15, 2009, 10:16 PM

I think that you need to be honest with your fiancée about your medical problems and the effect that they are having on your desire and feeling for sex.

A cervical carcinoma is a serious issue. Treatment for this sort of problem can make you feel vulnerable, afraid and violated. I suspect this is how you're feeling and now the sex is awful and you don't know what to do.

It's really easy for us to say 'talk to him'. But you're the one that's feeling vulnerable and tongue tied. Why don't you have a talk to your doctor first and make sure that there is no medical reason that you may be experiencing this pain and dryness.

Once you've established what is going on medically, you can then talk to your fiancée about the doctor's appointment and bring up your sexual discomfort. He's your partner and he needs to know (if he doesn't already know) that you're gritting your teeth and that it's painful. Guys often hate talking about these 'women's things', but it's part of the growing up process for both of you in the relationship. You can then work on dealing with it together.

I've always found that once I started talking to my partner about something that was uncomfortable, or embarrassing, it was never as bad as I thought it was going to be!

Take care, and keep well.