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    Lollipop1985's Avatar
    Lollipop1985 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jun 26, 2009, 01:22 AM
    Why can't my boyfriend get aroused by me anymore?
    So my problem is very confusing... I am 24 years old and a really attractive person! (really, not saying that as an ego thing.) My fiance' is 26 years old & we plan on getting married next September. However, no matter how hard I try, how many toys I get, how much lingerie, makeup etc, or how many erotic dvds I play he can't seem to be "in the mood". He smokes allot of pot & I don't. Could that be his problem? He thinks it is because he "peaked early". He started having sex as a young teen, & has been with a disgusting 60 people already! He claims he's ready to settle down and get married. We have been together over 4 years now. Lived together for the last 3. Sex is AMAZING when we have it. We used to have sex 5-6 times a day. But over the last year and a half it has dropped dramatically!! Im lucky to get it once a month or every month and a half. That's BAD! I am a very sexual person & I don't masturbate. I NEED sex!! He says he think its depression or that he's peaked and it has nothing to do with me. He swears he still loves me and we will work through it but tonight it has been almost 2 months since he last screwed me and I finally talked him into messing around. Tonight like the last few times I tried he was not able to get totally erect & just gave up. IM SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED I COULD GO INSANE!! I need help and reassurance that Im not just crazy. Is it because of his pot smoking habits? Is it because he could be depressed? Is it possible that he could just be losing his sex drive at age 26? This doesn't seem right to me. Also, I want a baby, we haven't been able to conceive in over 4 years of no condom, no pullout, no pill or birth control of any kind in 4 years. How do I get pregnant? (Obviously I have to fix the sex issue first) but can it be because of the pot thing, I have heard rumors that smoking weed & caffeine can prevent fertility. Is this true?

    PLEASE JUST HELP ME GET LAID!!

    Thanks.
    Lulu
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,800, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Jun 26, 2009, 02:16 AM

    Hi lulu, while you are trying to fix this horrible issue, and you haven't been satisfied in 2 months, you had better get your hands on a good vibrator before you do something you will regret.

    Could be the pot added to depression, pot certainly doesn't help depression, that is definitely a double wammy. Get the depression fixed, and then go on to the next problem. This may take a while.

    Ms tickle
    Catsmine's Avatar
    Catsmine Posts: 3,827, Reputation: 739
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    #3

    Jun 26, 2009, 02:52 AM
    Why don't you masturbate? In this situation it seems like it would be helpful as a release.

    Pot can cause performance problems, normally by distracting the smoker from the "subject at hand." The more worrisome part is the "not fully erect." Are there any signs that he may be combining grass with other drugs? Alcohol can markedly decrease erectile function, even in a 26 year old.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #4

    Jun 26, 2009, 05:21 AM
    Pot is a real problem... he is addicted to it. And it does depress many things along with brain function, clear to those not affected by it directly.

    You better think long and hard if this is all you expect out of life, or you really want more than this. Its not going to get any better than it is now. Only worse.
    Ren6's Avatar
    Ren6 Posts: 539, Reputation: 121
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    #5

    Jun 26, 2009, 08:55 AM
    Pot does affect some people this way. Hopefully, he can abstain from smoking it for a few weeks, so that the two of you can see if that's the problem. A trip to the doctor's office might be in order.
    taoplr's Avatar
    taoplr Posts: 415, Reputation: 144
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    #6

    Jun 26, 2009, 11:52 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Lollipop1985 View Post
    So my problem is very confusing... I am 24 years old and a really attractive person! (really, not saying that as an ego thing.) My fiance' is 26 years old & we plan on getting married next September. However, no matter how hard I try, how many toys I get, how much lingerie, makeup etc, or how many erotic dvds I play he can't seem to be "in the mood". He smokes allot of pot & I dont. Could that be his problem? He thinks it is because he "peaked early". He started having sex as a young teen, & has been with a disgusting 60 people already! He claims hes ready to settle down and get married. We have been together over 4 years now. Lived together for the last 3. Sex is AMAZING when we have it. We used to have sex 5-6 times a day. but over the last year and a half it has dropped dramatically!!! Im lucky to get it once a month or every month and a half. THATS BAD! I am a very sexual person & I dont masturbate. I NEED sex!!!! He says he think its depression or that hes peaked and it has nothing to do with me. He swears he still loves me and we will work through it but tonight it has been almost 2 months since he last screwed me and I finally talked him into messing around. Tonight like the last few times I tried he was not able to get totally erect & just gave up. IM SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED I COULD GO INSANE!!! I need help and reassurance that Im not just crazy. Is it because of his pot smoking habits? Is it because he could be depressed? Is it possible that he could just be losing his sex drive at age 26?? This doesnt seem right to me. Also, I want a baby, we havent been able to conceive in over 4 years of no condom, no pullout, no pill or birth control of any kind in 4 years. How do I get pregnant? (Obviously I have to fix the sex issue first) but can it be because of the pot thing, I have heard rumors that smoking weed & caffeine can prevent fertility. Is this true??

    PLEASE JUST HELP ME GET LAID!!!!!!!!

    Thanks.
    Lulu
    No, you're not crazy. But you need to pull back and get some perspective. You are a highly charged 24 year-old woman in a relationship with a depressed man. His issues will continue to define his capabilities, both in and out of bed. Unless he resolves them, these issues will fester and pop up in a growing number of places and in a multitude of ways.

    You want a baby. If you and he are to have children and raise them to become healthy adults, the same resolution requirement applies. The single most influential factor in a child's character development, according to current research, is not what anyone says to them, but what their parents are. If your fiancée is serious about working through this and getting married, he has to face up to his depression. It's not that he is messed up or anything, just about taking charge of (and full responsibility for) ones own life. I'll recommend two helpful books at the end of this post.

    For his low sex drive/erection issue, three causes come to mind. But before you go there, get him to a doc who specializes in these kinds of things. Then:

    First, the pot. THC lowers testosterone in the human body, and frequent use of marijuana keeps testosterone low, whether one is high or not. Daily use can lower testosterone to "useless" levels. If your fiancée is serious about working through this problem, he should stop smoking for 3-4 weeks and see if his erection comes back. If it does, he must limit his smoking to 1-3 times per month. If he gets his erection back, but won't make the decision to cut down his use, he, and you, have an addiction problem.

    Marijuana, especially in large amounts, also stops some developmental processes at the psychological and emotional levels, resulting in arrested development that can persist throughout ones whole life. Certain growth processes need stress or strife to stimulate them into action, like muscles, the immune system, and bones in the body, and in the mind: frustration/anger management, sexual tension management, and dealing with the urge toward individuation (becoming your own person) while also needing to belong or blend into a group, like ones family. Living with, and managing these conflicts makes us capable people by the time we are out on our own. The world will present conflicting choices to us all the time, and we all have to learn how to deal with this reality.

    Take these stressors away, and you rob us of our growth. Pot relieves some of the uncomfortable feelings that come with stress—and states like depression—but it's a 2-edged sword. It reduces those feelings and opens other options that the mind hungrily explores. But what's going on? We don't relax; the pot relaxes us. As long as we rely on the pot to do its job, it does, and we never develop the skills that good stress management teaches us.

    So, while marijuana is a blessing for many people, it is a powerful psychoactive drug that stops other people from growing. Your fiancée might think about becoming a father, and what he is ready to sacrifice or give up in order to become a good one. That doesn't mean he should quit pot. Many people smoke or now vaporize (no smoke; a lot less toxic) and function well. Marijuana is becoming mainstream, and when the smoke clears (Hey, a pun!) will be as commonly used as cognac. But he should give his erection and your orgasm a chance and lay off for a while.

    The second possible cause
    is the depression itself. What is the content of his thoughts? About what is he depressed? Give us some history and insight here. For now, recognize that depression can create ED (erectile dysfunction). While it probably as nothing to do with you, it affects you, so it's in your interest to help him get beyond it. Be patient, supportive, loving, and gentle. And, never bring it up in an argument.

    The third possible cause that comes to mind—only he can tell what the actual cause is— a combination of familiarity and anxiety. Having been with 60 women, he knows the female body. Having had a great sex life with you, he's familiar with you. If costuming, games, toys, porn, and your horniness don't turn him on, what does he indeed feel? At 26, is he no longer a fascinated explorer?

    Regarding anxiety, and he might not be able to express this, is he anxious about bringing a child into the world? About the responsibility? The lifelong commitment? Alternately, is he balking at the limitation to one person that is at the core of marriage? When you were primarily "a piece of a**" it was easy to just have fun. But now that you represent parenthood in some way, you might evoke some resistance to growing up. My advice is to open all of it up for dialog. If you are to grow a fulfilling marriage, your ability to talk about everything will prove invaluable.

    It's probably a mistake to rely on him to keep you from going nuts due to your sexual charge, at least, for now. Masturbation can let off enough steam to keep you rational. Sharing it with him, without putting any demands on him, might wake up his sleeping member and with it his desire.

    Don't try to fix this by yourself. This forum is a start. Get to a good sex therapist with him, talk things through, read and educate yourself, and give your sensuality a safe place to express itself to you and to him. Don't hide.

    Last thought: This is going to take a while. If you even find yourself lightly fantasizing about getting your needs fulfilled elsewhere, interrupt the thought immediately, and just relax and refocus on what you are determined to do. This is your guy, and this is a test of your future marriage prospects. Couples go through all sorts of unexpected events, and their ability to pull together grows with each test, much to their satisfaction. When this phase is done, you will be glad that you stayed faithful.

    Please let me know what you think of all this.

    Books:

    Every aspiring parent should read this:
    Amazon.com: A General Theory of Love: Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books

    This is written for people over 30, but you need to understand these concepts now. Great read!
    Amazon.com: Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up: James Hollis: Books

    Tao
    ENRIQUE123's Avatar
    ENRIQUE123 Posts: 20, Reputation: 0
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    #7

    Jun 26, 2009, 03:43 PM

    The problem is not the stress or pot it's the fact that having sex 5 to 6 times a day the craving is dead. He no longer is sexually attracted to you that's why he's been through so many women. Hope I'm not being to harsh but Ive been there done that just being honest
    jenniepepsi's Avatar
    jenniepepsi Posts: 4,042, Reputation: 533
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    #8

    Jun 26, 2009, 03:47 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ENRIQUE123 View Post
    The problem is not the stress or pot its the fact that having sex 5 to 6 times a day the craving is dead. He no longer is sexually attracted to you thats why hes been thru so many women. hope im not being to harsh but Ive been there done that just being honest
    There are MANY reasons a man may not have sex as much as before. It does NOT mean that he is no longer attracted to her. And even if he is not, it is not YOUR place to be telling her this.


    Lollipop1985,

    The depression and the pot are the most likely causes. You need to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling because of this, and possibly get some couples counseling :)

    Also have some patients with him. Expecting sex so often may not be in his ability. Some people have lower/higher sex drives than others.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #9

    Jun 26, 2009, 03:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by ENRIQUE123 View Post
    The problem is not the stress or pot its the fact that having sex 5 to 6 times a day the craving is dead. He no longer is sexually attracted to you thats why hes been thru so many women. hope im not being to harsh but Ive been there done that just being honest
    Oh 5 or 6 times a day he will burn out fast... but don't believe POT or stress doesn't result in this... I've been around enough stoners in my life to know for a fact it does. Now because they are in their THC haze they won't see it any more than the average person with a mental problem sees they have a problem... their reality is skewed.

    Massive stress over a long period will do it too given enough time.
    patient001's Avatar
    patient001 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Feb 29, 2012, 04:45 PM
    I understand my boyfriend is 18 and we have only been together for eight months and one time he could not hold an full erection. I believe it was because he suffers with psycological depression. Im sure your guy is still attracted to you but whatever is going on with him is on a psycologial basis. I have also been trying to conceive and I believe the reason I'm not getting pregnant is because of the erection issue, I believe it is weaking his sperm count which to me all goes back to him having psycolgical depression and smoking pot.I also read that men with bpd (borderline personalitiy disorder) suffer a great deal with maintaining an erection by the time the really care for a women. However, you should make it a prority to get him some self help books, because I also read that women are more likely to seek professional help then men.
    patient001's Avatar
    patient001 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Feb 29, 2012, 04:55 PM
    I just wonder why is it that when a man can't get it up the first thing people think is that there is an attraction issue. Their are many other health issues and psycological issues that can be causing the problem. Sometimes it's the man's problem not ours!!

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