[heather831]

I'm married to a 28 year old kid. We have two kids, 1 and 2 years old.
I'm in the military, I work every single day, he can't find a job, so he's stuck taking care of the kids so we can save $800 a month! He sits around all day playing XBox and complaining if I ever ask him to pick up. He lets the kids run around all day in dirty clothes and when I come home, literally as soon as I walk in the door at 430, he's asking me what's for dinner and ing about the house being a mess. He won't even load the dishwasher or switch the laundry because that's "a woman's job".

I know this is a little bit of a role reversal, I'm the money maker, and he is pretty much the stay at home Mr. Mom. But I just feel like I'm not getting any help from him.
I take care of all the bills because I'm just better at keeping track of things, I make all of our appointments for Drs, Vet, etc.
He gets mad because he'll say he needs something done "later", but will wait until the very last second to tell me when. For example, yesterday he need to mail something off to the courthouse for a fine he got a while back, he didn't say anything about it until about 5 minutes before the mailman came by, and then wanted me to hurry and run out and buy a money order---the mail ran as I was getting in the car, so it didn't happen and he started blaming me for him never getting anything done.
I'm constantly having to remind him of appointments, classes, the fact that he needs to keep looking for a job... etc.
I've tried being nice, but I'm just sick and tired of this--i'm getting absolutely no where with him and it's driving me crazy. All we do is fight anymore.
I've even tried to give him some time to himself, let him go to the gym or hang out with "the guys", but he just wants to sit in the same damn chair, playing the same damn game every single day.
Sometimes, I just wish I could kick him out, but then, I'd have to come up with an extra paycheck just for childcare.
Ugh...

Sorry this is so long, I mostly just needed to vent.
Thanks for reading.

[ZoeMarie]

I don't have children, but I have a pretty good idea where you're coming from. My husband is the same way. He does work, but on his days off, like you said all he does did play xbox or get on the computer. I get home and he asks me what's for dinner. I've started turning it around on him. "I don't know. What are you making me?" We've come a long way since we started reading a book together called "Simple Secrets of a Great Marriage"

Amazon.com: Simple Secrets of a Great Marriage: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend: Books

It's helped us a lot with communication and understanding each other. He's getting better, doing laundry and dishes without me even asking. I told him if we didn't read the book together that we were going to counseling and then he was pretty cooperative.

[N0help4u]

Tell him that since home is the woman's work then he needs to get out and find a job because you HAVE to quit so you can do the woman's job instead of the man's job.

[Gemini54]

Stop doing his things.

Yes, you can continue to do the things that make the house run - like pay the utilities and do the banking - but stop - cooking his dinner, cleaning the house, doing his washing (just do your own) and reminding him of appointments, etc.

He needs to get off his lazy butt and take responsibility for his life, and you doing everything won't help him at all.

Don't be nice, but don't be horrible either (this does take some practice), just go about your business. If he complains about the mess, just say 'I'm sorry, but I don't have the time to do it but I'm more than happy for you to do it".

The trick is not to argue with him about it. This just feeds into his drama and gives him a reason NOT to do anything.

If he says that the housework is woman's work - well, let him know that being the breadwinner is men's work and he's not doing it!

[ENRIQUE123]

IM 28 and I got married at a young age. I was pretty much in the same situation but she wanted to sit around and write all day while I worked cleaned up and cooked. But Ive realized some people just are not going to be mature and never grow up. I left my relationship it hurt like hell but it took that to understand that she actually was with me for all the wrong reasons. God bless u in this situation

[jenniepepsi]

I would suggest some couples counseling. If nothing else it will give you both a chance to vent something's to each other in the presence of a mediator. It may help to know where you are coming from and where he is coming from.


I understand your position. He needs to understand that if he is going to be home with the children, there are things that need done.

Try explaining to him that its not that you have a problem with him relaxing and playing the game, it's the fact that he isn't doing anything else that needs doing. Explain to him that if he were to clean the house, then you wouldn't have any problem with him being on the game.

The problem is he may feel like you are angry with him over the game its self. And that's not the issue here.

[450donn]

I have been in a similar situation for nearly two years now. First it was the wife in the hospital for 20 days and recoup for 4 months not being able to do anything. Then her mom, and now I have both of them to take care of. But It is up to me to do all the cooking,cleaning, shopping. All this after the stress of losing a job and because of age, no prospects of a job. And too young to retire. Personally If he is that much of a slob, then you have two choices. Sit down in the morning before work and write him a list of things that you expect, no demand that he do today. If he refuses or does not do anything, then start cutting out all of his things. Take the stupid xbox away and sell it, no more love making, no more cooking for him. Cook and do the laundry for the kids, and leave his mess where he throws it. Sooner or later he will realize that you are NOT his mother and will NOT do his choirs any longer. If he does not like it, then he has a couple of choices, get lost ( and good riddance) or start doing his share of taking care of the family

[jmjoseph]

Being 1 and 2 years old, you said he lets them "run around in dirty clothes", does that me dirty diapers too? Please tell me that he's not so sorry to let his own children walk around carrying a days worth of pee and poop in their pants. Either way, is the only reason why he's still there because of the cost of day care? If so, you should look into other options. He sounds lazy,sexist, and just all around SORRY. Guys like him should be single, living in their own filth. I'm sorry, but this makes me angry. He wants supper and complains about the house HE'S been messing up all day? I should get my wife to read this when she comes in from Europe.(Makes me look good). She's a flight attendant, and I take care of my two boys while she's away, by myself. I do it because I love my family, and it's MY job. I work 60 hours a week too. He should be ASHAMED of himself. Stop doing everything for him. May GOD bless you, and help you get out of this mess.

[Jake2008]

Yes, I'm concerned about the children as well. That sounds like a very unsafe environment if their basic needs are not being met.

I'd enforce a contract. Set it up so that, on a chart, his jobs, and your jobs, are clearly listed.

It's not rocket science.

There is NO balance here. If you take a good look at your family, and everything in its entirety equals 100%, and one person is doing 10% of the work, and the other is doing 90% of the work, what's the problem here. It's pretty obvious.

What have you done, besides argue, and complain. Have you suggested a compromise, listed what needs to be done, even in a day? Write out a list in the morning? Do you have any serious expectations that he knows he has to abide by? Are there consequences to his lack of parenting skills?

Who cares what he thinks is 'women's' work. Throw him a pair of pantyhose and a broom and tell him to get busy.

Keeping the xbox offline until after supper is a must. He has to not only care for their physical well being, but he has to be a father too. Get them up and ready to go for a walk to the park or the library.

How come he gets a free ride, and you don't. If he was your babysitter, you'd fire him on the spot.

He's getting away with it, and you are allowing it. He is capable unless I've read this wrong and he's in a coma in the outback somewhere being fed coconut juice through a straw.

What's the holdup for change here. :confused:

[321543]

I am that way at times with my wife even though I have not always been. However my wife doesn't have to work. I am retired military and have secured my wife's and kids future already. I just miss my wife being around and her cooking. Only our kids are teens and well taught as well mannered.
I suggest you talk this over with you commander. This is not your fault so don't worry about you getting into trouble. Remember the military rule, " We as a sponsor are responsible for our spouse ". Your commander will point you in the right direction as to what direction that can best help you and your situation. The military really does take care of their own.
Besides what happens when you are deployed to the field?

[talaniman]

If you allow him to be a child, don't get mad because he is. Do for yourself, and leave his mess, and meals, for himself to do. That means when he gets off his a$$, he can cook, and clean, for himself.

Just start doing your part, and let him do his. He'll get the message , and want to talk about it, sleep on the couch, or get gone.

[Alty]

You teach people how to treat you. If you jump every time he tells you to is it any wonder he keeps doing it?

Stop doing things for him, he's a big boy. If he's hungry he knows how to get food. Stop washing his clothes, he can do that himself or walk around in filth. If he has an errand that needs to be done then he should do it, not you.

Stop babying him, or he'll keep acting like a baby.

[Jake2008]

Maybe he really doesn't get it. I know that may be hard to believe, but maybe he just thinks the way he thinks because he knows no other way.

He may need a road map of sorts. Things spelled out clearly what he is to do.

My husband, when we first got married, asked me if I could iron his underwear, and shine the shower head in the bathtub.

After he came to, he realized that I was not his mother.

[Gemini54]

Had to spread the rep Jake, but I was horrified that your hubbie expected you to iron his UNDERPANTS. Glad you whopped him one!

[Jake2008]

Thanks Gemini, he still has a dent.

I think with some men, they just come with pre-conceived notions of how things should be as far as equality goes. I really don't think most love their wives any less, or are showing disrespect, nor to they not appreciate what their wives do to keep the family running.

The generation my husband came from, the boys had jobs, and the girls had jobs, and never the twain shall meet. It is sometimes just re-learning what it takes to make a partnership work, today in 2009, regardless of who wears the pantyhose.

My husband has learned a lot, and I'm proud to say the frying pan hasn't been used for a long, long time lol

[talaniman]

321543 disagrees: works for him , when she goes on deployment for 5 months , what about the 2 kids?

That was the point, as long as somebody does things for him, he will continue to let them do the work.

When he has to do them himself, he will, or starve, and when he gets tired of shatty diapers, he will change them himself.

[heather831]

Thanks for all the advice. We've actually talked it over, and I'm proud to say I was extremely calm and told him he just needs to treat this like his job. And so far, in a week, he's actually been doing his share. I still haven't gotten him to make dinner, but I realize I mostly do it anyway out of habit, and the fact that he can't cook.
We are looking into some counseling, simply because we both need to learn to communicate.
So, to all who responded, thank you. Now I don't feel completely guilty for being upset about this.

[Jake2008]

I think that's wonderful!!

You are very, very smart to go to counselling while the love is alive and strong, and things are on an upsweep for you both. It is when you can do the best work.

But, from one woman to another, I'd keep the cast iron fryin' pan close anyway.. :p

[jmjoseph]

Sounds great! Start him off with some easy recipes. Like the Bisquick cookbook. Who knows, maybe he'll fall in love with cooking. I hope things keep going well. Just keep your cool and make the rules. (That turned into a lame rhyme.) Keep us posted.

[Jeff_2491]

Thanks for serving

I know how you feel my mom never got help from my dad. If he can still join I would say he should join the military and live on base they have free daycare and schooling. But this is all I have to say since I still don't know much (I'm 17)

Semper FI (Enlisted in Marines)