[CAnt]

My 10 yr old Niece will tell sexual lies about her brother to get him in trouble.
Facts: Divorced family, brother living with father, niece living with mother, [because Mother was abusive to son when he became 13]. Niece when 9 yrs old lied at school to councilor, saying brother had rubbed himself against her. State got involved, starting court proceedings. After $75,000.00 dollars, counseling, lawyers, lie detectors etc. Court believed he did not do it, all dismissed. Alls been well. Father brings Niece to grandparents home, so siblings can have contact, while he attended a one hour meeting.
Her brother didn't want to let her play with his new iPod [expensive], but said she could for 3 minutes. Gave her quick verbal instructions, then turned back to the computer to work on school assignment.
She went in other room and told grandmother that brother had asked her to let him see if she had hair in her private area. Major upset, brother questioned, says didn't say it. When she was pressed she says she lied. Then 3 minutes. Later recants the lie, saying she just didn't want him in trouble. Separate kids in separate households, no one believes her, back Brother up.
Upon father spending a day of questioning and talking, finds out that she doesn't understand what kind of trouble she is causing Brother. She lies about sexual things because she knows he will get into big trouble. She lies when she is mad at him and wants everyone to be mad at him also. Father is still counseling her about the wrongs of lying and especially claiming sexual behaviors, and what trouble it has and will cause us.
Anyone have any advise as to how to deal with this girl?? We know that mother is the reason for this behavior but she is so good, we have never been able to get anything done about her.

[Jake2008]

They learn early what to say, and sometimes, not always, they know exactly what the consequences are for the victim. 10 years old is old enough to know what she's doing.

It is important that you not allow them alone together. It is a risk in my opinion to allow her alone with any male. She knows how powerful a sexual contact remark is, don't kid yourself.

After what you have already been through, I would keep notes on everything. The event, those involved, your own investigation, and what you concluded.

I would get her in counselling, and have all the necessary information at hand, particularly the history. She needs to learn to accept responsibility for her actions, and a therapist needs to understand why she does this in the first place. Something is out of whack with her.

It is important to really make an effort to break this cycle, with outside help. If and when something else happens along the same lines, you will at least be able to say that she is getting help for this problem.

Good luck. Kids wield a very powerful hand over parents and siblings these days.

[CAnt]

Thank you, As her mother will not take her to the appointments, even with the appt. paid for. It is hard to get her counseling. There is a 5 hour drive between father and mother.

Our first action was to separate them to separate households, her in her fathers house, brother in my house one block away. While explaining consequences, hurtfulness, honor, etc, calling wolf, repercussions.

Second, telling her that because of her actions she would not be able to have contact with any family member on this side of the family, because they will not tolerate her lies.

Third, told her that she would have to apologize to each person her it effected, ask to be given another chance. Then put on notice that she and her brother would be at no time allowed to be in the same room together alone. We will all be on our toes that he is protected from her.

I have also warned her father that he should be very concerned about her next choice may be aqusations [sp] against him.

THIS IS INSANE... how do you turn what her mother has done around with a 10 year old that has been taught this? Her mother uses the same tactics in a different way. That is why they are divorced. HELP! Are we heading in the right direction? We are concerned we are not doing the right things to help her.

[Jake2008]

It did cross my mind that there could be others accused as well.

You are good to get involved and try to turn this around. One thing you might do is speak to her school principal. Tell him that she needs counselling and the mother will not cooperate. Maybe there is a counsellor with the school board that can see her, even once a week.

What worries me is what underlies all of this. She has learned that that behaviour is okay, just even by the fact that her mother will not get help to figure out why it is happening.

It may be a good idea for you to visit with children's services, and ask them for advice on how to deal with this situation. When my daughter was starting high school, she was doing similar threats, accusing us of all kinds of things, and we became very aware of what she could do with her accusations and 1-800 numbers. With her it was all about control, and I have to say that when I called children's services, they offered some really good advice to us.

Unfortunately, I highly doubt that this is going to be resolved with only you onboard. Why are you the only one that sees there is a serious problem going on here. I hope for her sake that she gets the help she needs. And yours sake as well.