[jenniepepsi]

Even though you would think I would have all of 'this stuff' sorted out by now.. its coming back to bite me in the butt once again.


I have had adhd and bipolar and boarder line personality disorder since I was 11. No one knew about it, thought I was just adhd. I was diagnosed with it 2 years ago. And my psyciatrist said it was mild before 11, so it seemed like simple adhd. But then I was raped and the BLPD and PTS set in and made everything worse.

As an adult, I was hospitalised 2 times to get me on meds and balance my moods. I held a knife to my husbands throat, simply because he wouldn't stop talking and listen to me. Not my most rational moments. It was all adrenalin.

All my life I have had the swings, depression, manic, hyper, medium and mellow, etc.

Every so often, usually only once or twice a year, I go through this period of being both depressed and manic at the same time!! :eek::eek::eek:


Right now is one of those times! I feel FINE. I am happy with my life. I love my husband and daughter and my family. Bills are even doing good at the moment.

However at the same time, I feel a little bit down. And definitely suicidal. Even though I feel happy and OK, I still keep asking myself 'will anyone miss me?" "what would it be like if I just... " etc. stuff like that.


Due to my hospitalizations, the classes have taught me how to recognise these signs.

I don't feel like I'm in danger of DOING this yet. Or I would already be on my way back to the hosptial and not sitting here talking to you guys.


Does anyone have any advise as to how I can nip this in the bud?


Normall I am on tegritol and geodon. Now I am only on tegritol, as I lost my insurance (already going through the DES/welfare office to get on state insurance) and the geodon is 450$!!


Thanks for letting me vent all this :) love you all. (see? I feel fine... but I know I'm NOT fine... )

[tickle]

I am glad you found us, jenniepepsi. I am glad we are here for you to communicate with and offer assistance when you feel like this. What a lovely name you chose, it sort of rolls of the tongue.

Your daughter would miss you, anyone you are happy with would miss you, we would miss you. You are fine, we all have our moments, even me living with an alcoholic husband who won't recognize he has a problem (it is particular difficult for his son to accept, he is 27) and yes we have both talked to him. It isn't easy and we all have our demons.

Lots of hugs

Annie (the tick)

[jenniepepsi]

*hugs* thanks hon. I know I would be missed... I don't know why my head keeps asking these questions... its like back when I had a car, I kept asking 'what would happen if I just keep going through the red light on the busy street. What would it be like'

I didn't WANT to die... I just wanted to SEE what would happen... you know? Its confusing.

I'm sorry your going through that with your husband. I had to deal with that a LITTLE bit. Not anywhere near as bad as your husband. My husband isn't an alcoholic, he simply gets very angry and touchy and verbally violent when he drinks. (dont worrie, not physically, or I would have left) so we came to a compromise and if he wants to drink, which isn't very often anymore anyway, he can, as long as he goes to a friends house to stay the night. He said some VERY VERY hurt full things to me the one night he was drunk at home.. ( the worst of which 'i bet you DESERVED to get raped when you were 11'

So yeah...

I'm rambling...

Thanks for listneing

[tickle]

Anytime, anywhere, jenniepepsi. I will listen. My husband hasn't been violent for years, but my son is back home and I have a big dog, LOL. I am way to busy during the day with all I do, luvvy. I don't have time to worry about much.

Tick

[jenniepepsi]

Haha. I wish I was busy. My hsuband thinks I'm busy ALL day long. Because when he gets home, I'm dressed and clean (unlike last year, when I just sat around unshowered in my jammies all the time from the depression) and the house is clean and dinner is ready and everythign is taken care of.

Surprise surprise, realistically it only takes me about 2 hours to get all that stuff done. And I usually procrastinate until 2 hours before he gets home the rest of the day is MINE

[jenniepepsi]

Thank you all for all of the support.

Not only do I have bipolar, I make it BLOODY OBVIOUS! Not 24 hours ago I was so sad and down. And now I'm PERFECTLY perky :) hehe.


Thank you all again :) I love you guys.