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ryans2fast4u · Jun 15, 2009, 11:21 PM

I am a divorcée. I got divorced because My wife and I both knew that I was in love with someone else. In fact, we are actually in very good terms and still talk and even hang out sometimes- we just realized the love wasn't there and decided to end it before we had children.

The woman I am still in love with was my ex-girlfriend. I dated her for three years, and god knows why I broke up with her (To chase a more "attractive" person- my young naivity chose looks over character, and I have regretted it ever since, especially when my ex girlfriend is incredibly beautiful to start with). I have literally thought about her constantly over the past 4 years since I broke up with her.

This woman and I were both virgins , and actually each had a "one night stand" with each other after a party, which turned into a really nice 3 year relationship.

She has been telling me for the past 4 years that she still loves me, but since I was with another woman, she has also slept with a bunch of guys- maybe 15-20- maybe even a bit more. She has dated some of them for a few months, others were drunken hookups, but she never stayed with any because she said she still thought of me.

I wanted to take her back after a year, but couldn't handle the thought that she slept with one of my friends and several other guys. The thought made me sick, so I walked away, thought I could never find a girl as good as she was but that she was ruined, and swore I'd never look back.

To make a confusing story simpler,

I've slept with this girl before, and have never stopped thinking about her for the past 7 years. She still wants me back.

The problem: I've slept with two people (her and my ex-wife) and she's slept with 15-20 people, and the thought of her having so much more experience makes me rediculously jealous, and the fact that I've been married before makes her jealous.

Jealousy is NOT the way you want to start a relationship, but if I haven't been able to get my mind off her for 4 years even though we lived in different states and only saw each other once- and she insists she still loves me, and it was actually her who got in touch with me after I was single again. Is there any way to make it work or will I just need to keep fighting to get over her?

I know this is a pretty "messed up" situation. I tried so hard to have the "perfect" situation that I just destroyed everything in my life!

ryans2fast4u · Jun 15, 2009, 11:25 PM

I also wanted to include that I have gone and visited her three times, and we had a blast each time- we did not have any real physical contact though.

I wish · Jun 16, 2009, 06:01 AM

Most people in this forum will tell you not to open up old wounds. That you broke up for a reason.

However, if you believe that you can fix the reasons you broke up, it doesn't stop there. You have new problems now.

You're jealous that she slept with so many men and she's jealous that you were married. It's a wash off to me. If both of you can get passed that, maybe you can give it another shot.

If you don't feel that either of you can repair the damage, then start moving on. Don't drag it out.

ZoeMarie · Jun 16, 2009, 06:07 AM

What happened since you two broke up really shouldn't matter because, that's just it, you were broken up. You were both free to do who/whatever you wanted. If you guys do work out the reasons that you broke up in the first place and get back together, you're both going to have to realize that the past is the past and nothing more. Good luck! I hope everything works out one way or another.

ryans2fast4u · Jun 16, 2009, 07:51 AM

This is going to sound foolish but there is no good reason we broke up. I still loved her an thought I'd get back to her... I was just a young naïve jerk who was a little scared of commitment, and interested in the fact that other girls liked me. There was no good reason I broke up with her except that I thought I was bulletproof. I lived in a fraternity house, and all my guy friends were hooking up with girls every night, and I was the only one in a stabile relationship. I didn't realize I was the lucky one- I thought they were. Karmas a b*tch right? If I could go back into the past and change that I would. I have matured and realized how foolish I was. In fact, I figured that out pretty darn quick, but by then she had been with some other guys (I had not been with any other girls) and that's something I couldn't handle.

At this point I was so upset/depressed that I began dating the "closest" thing I could find to the her, and ended up marrying the girl, and knew it wasn't "her". I thought that the "golden ticket" was the virginity thing and not the important things like character and interests, and that I would eventually get over the other girl and I could make myself fall in love with someone else. I know I wronged my wife big time here... But I did the best I could to clean that up, and surprisingly she is not upset with me because she said it was very clear from the beginning, and she says she's partially at fault for marrying me when she knew I didn't love her. We actually still keep in touch and talk, and even see each other occaisonally (non-sexually)

Are there any tricks or tools to deal with this kind of jealousy? I have very low self esteem and even though I love to visit and hang out with her, still stay up and talk to her for hours, and think she is the sexiest most beautiful thing alive, I keep her physically at arms length because of the jealousy- partially upset that she could get other guys and I did not have much luck getting with other girls (meaning I feel like I can't "stack up"- partially upset at the thought that so many other guys- several that I knew were man whores and that I witnessed the kinds of things they did and said about the girls they were with- were with her, and partially because I'm just a jerk of a hypocrite that struggles with the constant reminder of the huge mistake I made.

Talking through it I kind of feel I already know the answer- I should just stay and strengthen our friendship and keep arms length from any sexual relationship, and deal with the depression caused by that because even though it will be more painful short term, it will probably be better long term?

I just think 4 years is a long time, and I think if after 4 years I couldn't get over the want to be with her- and if for 4 years she couldn't get over the want to be with me- that it will probably be another 4, 8, 12, 50 years, and maybe I'm just being foolish again, and that there may be a way to overcome my jealousy.

As this ex-girlfriend always says though- "you need to stop thinking with your head and start thinking with your heart". I just don't know how to do that.

88sunflower · Jun 16, 2009, 08:00 AM

Why is her number so important. Its not important. So what if she has slept with more then you. You got married to replacer her. Maybe her sexual partners were a way of dealing with her loss of you? I don't see how it's a big deal enough to lose what sounds like the love of your life. What if she had this many partners before you met? Would you not be interested? I can understand your feelings of not "stacking up" but the number doenst matter. Maybe all this time you were the best she has had. Who cares. If you love the girl go for it and let the rest go.

Justwantfair · Jun 16, 2009, 08:22 AM

Experience isn't valued in numbers.

One relationship will give you more experience then sleeping with various people, because there is comfort and communication that gives more education then short term relationships.

In the end, number v. number is of absolutely no value unless you give it value.

ryans2fast4u · Jun 16, 2009, 08:40 AM

First off, thank you all- I am really appreciating the time you are taking to read this and give me feedback.

So do you think this is the kind of thing I just need to work on "getting over" over time? Or do you have any ideas how I can emotionally get over the jealousy issues?

ZoeMarie · Jun 16, 2009, 08:46 AM

I think you should just focus on having fun when you're with her, I would think that would keep you from dwelling on it. Good luck!

Justwantfair · Jun 16, 2009, 08:49 AM

You can either get over it or you can't.

I guess what I would factor in is you never can control the past of the people you date, you are just as likely to end up in a similar scenerio with someone whom you don't share a past and connection with.

So it's up to you the value of numbers in your mind. Some things you can't control having a problem with, even if you try.

Jake2008 · Jun 16, 2009, 09:54 AM

The plus side is she was honest with you with her drunken one night stands, and relationships that didn't last longer than two months.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, (probably am) and out of touch a bit, having been married to one person for 33 years, but 20+ sexual partners in this day and age, is dangerous, and doesn't it speak of her character at all, does it?

She probably doesn't remember the drunken one-night stands, and I suspect that if any of the other sexual conquests were with men capable of long term relationships, she'd still be in one wouldn't she? Or at least be able to say she had a relationship that lasted longer than 60 days.

So, while you may not have the experience pe se, you certainly make up for it in character. That to me is a lot more meaningful in starting a possible long term relationship.

That she is jealous of you being married is a moot point. I don't think she learned enough about the men she was with, or settled down enough to have the goal of finding the right person to marry.

So, perhaps as the others have said, it is wise to put the past in the past, and realize that people mature, and learn from mistakes, and have a better sense of what they need and want in a relationship. Sex is only one part of that.

I would insist on her being tested for STD's. But, that's just me. Blind faith can be deadly.

I wish · Jun 16, 2009, 10:32 AM

You can't force yourself to get over the fact that she slept with so many men. It's got to happen naturally.

If you feel that you cannot accept that part of her and that there are no signs of progress, then don't torture yourself anymore. Let her go to stop the pain and suffering.

Don't look back anymore and regretting breaking up with her the first time. Think about it, had you not broken up with her, you would not have known how special she is. You would probably have continued to take her for granted and whatever if the green was actually greener on the other side. Be glad that you found out that it's not actually greener and move forward with your life.

88sunflower · Jun 16, 2009, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by ryans2fast4u

first off, thank you all- I am really appreciating the time you are taking to read this and give me feedback.

So do you think this is the kind of thing I just need to work on "getting over" over time? Or do you have any ideas how I can emotionally get over the jealousy issues?

Just be happy. Focus on her back in your life, loving her, being with her and building a future with her if that's what you want. If you love her enough then nothing else will matter. Love will conquer.