[lonelygrrrl]

Hello all.. I am in need of some advice about friendships. I am 30 yrs old, with 3 children. I try to make friends with other women my age, and it never works out.It is hard for me to talk to people. If I do make a friend, they pull away from me after a short amount of time, and want nothing much to do with me. I try to make conversation with new people, and pursue friendships with them, but there just seems to be something about me that people don't like. I currently have no friends, and I am getting very discouraged and depressed. Please help.:confused:

[unluckynut]

Maybe you could invite them over for something to do. Like make xmas ornaments,
Or host a party like jewelry, or tupperware.
Bunco. Or just ladies night out.Maybe ask them to bring a small dish of their favorite snack and tell them to bring the recipe on a card to share with others. Sorry these are the only ideas I have Good Luck!

[kctiger]

What kind of people do you try and make friends with? The key is to find a common ground you can relate to. You also have to realize friendships develop over a period, not overnight. If you come off as that needy and desperate person just looking for anyone to hang out with them, you will most likely scare others away. You seem to have some low self confidence which is very evident to others around you .Try and find some inner strength and bravado to play around with.

[talaniman]

What do you mean when you say it doesn't work out?

[ryans2fast4u]

I was in your same situation, except I am a guy, and I am a year younger than you are.

I saw a counselor because I was "unable" to have friends. Same issues you are mentioning!

Today I would say I have 3-4 good friends. Something I didn't think was possible.

Ex girlfriend
Ex wife
2x Ex enemy

ironically- or not- you see the words "ex" in front of all 4.

Now the first two I'll ignore for now because they apply a bit less than the other two.

My "ex enemies". One guy, we hated each other in Higschool when we met. Dispised each other like none other. Almost got in fights, he hated me because I was friends with a girl he liked, he even threw a rock through my truck window- it was fairly ugly.

Then the end of senior year we were both into cars, and for some reason ran into each other at a mutual friends house working on his bike.

For the last 11 years, we have been just about best friends after we realized there was no good reason we disliked each other!

The second good friend of mine I hated when I first met him. I thought he was a jerk, and that he just disrespected women- just a terrible guy that I did not want to associate with.

A year later we both happened to be on the same sports team, and I realized he's really a hopeless romantic. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's a really good guy. My preconceived notions were far off.

The next 9 years, we've been great friends- so great we even bought houses close to each other and hang out almost daily.



Why do I bring this antecdote to the table?


Because I think a lot of us THINK we know what kind of person would make a good friend.

We then TRY to be friends with them.

Just like a romantic relationship, if one person does all the TRYING then it's destined for failure!

romantic relationships are surprisingly a lot like good friendships.

All the others that I thought I'd be "great friends with"- that I had "so much in common with"... those fizzled out after a year or two max. If they didn't fizzle out the other person literally disliked me. I was crushed.

It was the relationships I thought had no hope that developed into real strong friendships!

Why? I wish I could tell you. I'm not quite sure. The only two suggestions I can take out of it are:

1. When you put effort in and try to make a friendship work, you are destining it for failure
2. Sometimes we don't know ourselves as well as we think we do, so therefore choose the wrong people.
3. Sometimes we try to befriend the people we want to like, and not the people we are like.
4. frequently we avoid ourselves.
5. People who have trouble making friends often waver- they try to befriend a superstar, and then when that doesn't work they feel hopeless and try to befriend a person they view as "less" than them (after all- why Wouldn't they want to hang out with ME?). Neither of these are going to work- in one case you think your worse than someone, and in another you think your better. You need to be with someone who you like to be around and who likes to be around you- no judging.
6. True friends are rare. I take this from a relationship expert I used to work with. Most people never make true friends. They either pretend they have true friends, or they work real hard for "fake" true friends. True friendship really is rare, and it is a gift.

You may actually be surprised that many many MANY other people you think have "all these friends" are actually in your same situation ;)

Good luck!

[talaniman]

Just me, the only way to make real friends, is to be happy with yourself, and what you do for yourself. Be a friend to yourself, and others will want to share it with you.

That requires you to know who you are.