[MarMar27]

Threads merged.

I have been with this man for 4 months, he told me he loved me when we only knew each other for two months, I love him very much, but when other people hear about it, it's always oh "thats too soon" and I have a bad past and I have insecurity issues so I have a hard time trusting him and I'm trying to work on that he is the first man I have been with since my sons father, and that was the worst experience ever, due to him I always felt I would never be able to be with someone, but now that I am with this someone I feel very insecure about things.

Very early into the relationship he told me he loved me and I always questioned it just cause of the timeframe, but does that really matter? I feel that he does, and at times when my insecurity hits in I feel that maybe he's lieng, but I know that I love him. Help any one thanks.

[liz28]

He can tell you he loves you but actions speak louder than words. So is his actions matching his words? Might be too soon to tell.

Relationships takes time to grow. In the process you get to learn about each other and have fun doing so.

Right now the two of you are in your honeymoon phrase but once this phrase is over would the two of you be left standing?

You have a daughter and to be quite honest you have to watch who you let into her life because she to get attach to this guy. I hate for her to get use to this guy to only have him leave if things doesn't work out but that is if you allowed him in her life already.

You have insecurites and insecurites are hard to let go but everyone deserves a chance and if they blow it then it's their lost.

Don't move too fast--take your time getting to know each other. Otherwise, this relationship could burn out.

[MarMar27]

Actually I have a son but yes I understand what your saying I think about that everyday too, he has pretty much gotten use to him, I mean I feel he cares for my son, he's always trying to find stuff to do with him and everything, but yeah your right relationships do take time to grow and we are still getting to know each other, yeah his actions do speak for his words, but its kind of scary cause I am not use to having a man do things for me or a good man period so I'm always looking for the bad end of things or look to far ahead into the future I try not to be negative but it's hard, I feel God put him in my life for a reason I met him when I felt like there was no one for me and when I was praying on a good man. It's just difficult after going through what I went through.

But actually its hard to tell whether actions speak as his words cause I work nights, and he works days so we really don't get to speak to each other much or see each other much until the weekend comes that's the only time we have with each other, and it sucks . But we usually have a good time together.

[kp2171]

mixed feelings here...

first, I always wince at the "God" talk when it comes down to a relationship opportunity and decisions.

don't get me wrong. I have faith. I believe my life is blessed with choices and opportunity... but those who fall into the "God made this happen" or "its Gods Will" line... its just too easy to cherry pick.

I have a brother in law who makes Terrible decisions at least once or twice a year... the kind of decision that will drive you mad. You think, given problem X, that there are reasonable answers a,b,c,d,e... but he always chooses "w" and then calls it "Gods will"...

hmm... I think God's will would be that one wouldn't shove his head so far up his arse that he couldn't tell day from night... but that's just my interpretation.

so... I hesitate to anoint this Seemingly Good Guy with God's Will.

there are a lot of decent guys out there. Some will be good to you. Some won't. Some might forge a lasting relationship with you. Some won't.

so... I, like you, worry a little about the love talk so soon. Its easy to talk about love. Its tough to love long term. Takes hard work that is often unexpected.

doesn't mean this guy is bad or wrong or clueless... doesn't mean he isn't.

wish I had more solid advice to give you.

can a person love another at first sight? Yeah. Its happened to me.

does that mean the love is lasting, for all time? Nah. Or yeah. Or nah.

there is no one perfect answer to that. Case by case basis I'm afraid.

[talaniman]

I will give you credit for recognizing your own issues, and I just hope you go slow enough to just have fun getting to know this fellow very well, before you give him your heart, and keep working on yourself. There is no hurry you know, and as you have said, he is the first since you left a bad marriage, so don't get carried away to soon no matter what he says.

[MarMar27]

mixed feelings here...

first, i always wince at the "God" talk when it comes down to a relationship opportunity and decisions.

dont get me wrong. i have faith. i believe my life is blessed with choices and opportunity... but those who fall into the "God made this happen" or "its Gods Will" line... its just too easy to cherry pick.

i have a brother in law who makes Terrible decisions at least once or twice a year... the kind of decision that will drive you mad. you think, given problem X, that there are reasonable answers a,b,c,d,e.... but he always chooses "w" and then calls it "Gods will"...

hmm... i think God's will would be that one wouldn't shove his head so far up his arse that he couldnt tell day from night... but thats just my interpretation.

so... i hesitate to annoint this Seemingly Good Guy with God's Will.

there are a lot of decent guys out there. some will be good to you. some wont. some might forge a lasting relationship with you. some wont.

so...i, like you, worry a little about the love talk so soon. its easy to talk about love. its tough to love long term. takes hard work that is often unexpected.

doesnt mean this guy is bad or wrong or clueless... doesnt mean he isnt.

wish i had more solid advice to give you.

can a person love another at first sight? yeah. its happened to me.

does that mean the love is lasting, for all time? nah. or yeah. or nah.

there is no one perfect answer to that. case by case basis im afraid.

So what happened when this love at first sight happened? He told me from the moment he saw me he knew I was the one, he's already spoken about engagement for next year and everything like he is determined that I AM the one, but I told him I'm Not even thinking up that far yet. Right but now a days the ratio for a decent man versus a not decent man is 10:90 hehehe plus with my past situation I really don't trust any one what so ever.

[MarMar27]

I will give you credit for recognizing your own issues, and I just hope you go slow enough to just have fun getting to know this fellow very well, before you give him your heart, and keep working on yourself. There is no hurry you know, and as you have said, he is the first since you left a bad marriage, so don't get carried away to soon no matter what he says.

Exactly, I am just taking my time, I am not letting myself get in to deep because you always have to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst that's how I see it, there's been times that I spoke to him about not being together cause I get so worried but he didn't want to let it go.. I don't know it's a complicated situation cause I wish I can read through his mind and see what really is in his heart.

[MarMar27]

I think your philosophy is great: Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Most people would think it's a cynical outlook but it's the only thing that works for me. However, the problem with this frame of mind is that it doesn't allow you to give your all to any relationship. I think you're doing the right thing by speaking to him about it, but once he knows how you really feel, and once you've already discussed being apart, he may start to feel that he's in a tight position because you could leave at any moment.

Your 10:90 ratio isn't too far off, though. So if he shows that he is a good man, I don't see any reason to doubt it. At that point it just becomes a guessing game. The main thing is that you and only you are able to deal with and handle your insecurities. You can't place this burden on your partner. It's not fair to him because any time he messes up--and he will--you'll end up putting him in the bad guy category because of your insecurities, and once there how hard does he have to work to get back into your good books? Even that 10% of "good" men mess up here and there and that 90% of bad guys display good behaviour here and there. But these are just blips and aberrations in an otherwise steady stream of good, caring, quality behaviour and vice versa. That's why it's up to you to work out your issues yourself. He's not perfect, and neither are you.

Anyways, just take your time, and don't doubt him or trouble yourself unless you really, really see a reason to. It's not healthy.

Thank you so much and that makes so much sense, right, I can't let my past ruin what happiness may be bound to happen for me, I know no one is perfect, and every one has their defects so I don't expect the relationship to be perfect at all, and yeah he does feel that way he feels that I may leave him at any moment so he tells me he is scared to make me upset hehe, I know its horrible, but I told him from the get go he is going to have to work with me cause of my insecurities, I learned a lot from my last relationship, but its taking time to gain back my mind and self esteem and everything cause he beat me down like I was nothing, and it really is not healthy I completely agree I feel it plus I already have enough stressful situations going on being a single mother and such. I also met his family and they seem like real good people, so that gave me another good impression of him.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule- If its not fun getting to know some one, then whats the point??

Talaniman Rule- Never let a stranger make you do something before your ready.

Talaniman Rule #1 - Never put your own well being second.

Talaniman Rule - You know yourself better than you know your partner, do for yourself just because you know what you need, your partner knows what they need, and it may have nothing to do with you, or what you need.

[ryans2fast4u]

I have to say...

Does it matter?

I met a girl and became obsessed with her instantly. She became obsessed with me. We hooked up that night- each of us had our "first one night stand".

Sounds like a recipe for disaster doesn't it?

7 years later and we've had our issues, but we are both crazy about each other.

I say so because although we never said "I love you" early on, Looking back I realized that we had more love for each other I those early months than I could imagine a relationship could have.

So maybe it is possible?

HOWEVER, does it really matter if it was love at sight or not? If you let it matter, then you're likely to just be disappointed. Won't it be better to look back 10 years from now and laugh and say "ahh we fell in love at first site" instead of cursing the relationship today hoping it is? Most relationships are not fairy tails.

The fact that your talking about marriage and the such already *scares* me. Here's why- Making plans and getting excited about the future often makes people neglect the present. If it's idle banter and side comments, its probably not a big deal- the best of us (and worst of us) do it, but if you start getting into lots of big discussion about the future, that's setting yourself up for failure. This is the early stages of a relationship when the present is oh-so important. Understanding each other and really getting to know each other is key. Communication is important.

I'm not saying this is the case, but it also sounds like you (or you and him both) Just really WANT to fall in love and get married. Don't force yourself to do it purely out of want. Make sure it is legitimate!

Good luck!

[MarMar27]

i have to say....

Does it matter?

I met a girl and became obsessed with her instantly. She became obsessed with me. We hooked up that night- each of us had our "first one night stand".

Sounds like a recipe for disaster doesnt it?

7 years later and we've had our issues, but we are both crazy about eachother.

I say so because although we never said "i love you" early on, looking back i realized that we had more love for eachother i those early months than i could imagine a relationship could have.

So maybe it is possible?

However, does it really matter if it was love at sight or not? If you let it matter, then you're likely to just be disappointed. Won't it be better to look back 10 years from now and laugh and say "ahh we fell in love at first site" instead of cursing the relationship today hoping it is? Most relationships are not fairy tails.

The fact that your talking about marriage and the such already *scares* me. Heres why- making plans and getting excited about the future often makes people neglect the present. If it's idle banter and side comments, its probably not a big deal- the best of us (and worst of us) do it, but if you start getting into lots of big discussion about the future, thats setting yourself up for failure. This is the early stages of a relationship when the present is oh-so important. Understanding eachother and really getting to know eachother is key. Communication is important.

I'm not saying this is the case, but it also sounds like you (or you and him both) just really want to fall in love and get married. Don't force yourself to do it purely out of want. Make sure it is legitimate!

Good luck!

Oh wow really so you guys are married now, your right, its just best to worry about the present right now, whatever is meant to happen will be, thanks you, I feel much better hehe.

[N0help4u]

I believe there are times when Love at first sight is real and lasting but all too often many couples are hooking up and using the love at first sight and you are my soul mate way too lightly and they don't last. Give him a chance to prove himself and don't let your insecurities get the better of you. Don't let him take you for a ride with lines either though.

[Cynical Dreamer]

Just have fun and enjoy it. You have to take the relationship at your own pace. However something you said doesn't make a lot of sense... how can you love him if you don't trust him? I don't know him so I can't say whether he's a good guy or a bad guy but no one can truly move forward or see a relationhip as it is when there's baggage clouding your vision and judgement. That being said, it's great that you know what your issues are, but in order to be in ANY good and healthy relationship you need to get past your own stuff.

Maybe he does love you but that doesn't mean you have to marry him right away. Love is wonderful and while I believe in love at first sight, I also realize that falling in love is the easy part. Talk of the future? You're not ready yet and if he truly loves you, he'll understand that because you two will have already talked about your past and trust issues.

As far as God putting him in your life for a reason? I don't knock anyone who believes that but if your gut is telling you something different, don't hold on to your God theory. He also puts challenges and tests in our path.

Good luck and slow down. If he's the one, you need to open up to him, if you haven't already and tell him you need some time to get to know him and adjust. In the meantime, if he's undertstanding you need to work on your trust issues so you can fully participate in the relationship. If he isn't understanding, well then that tells you something else.

[MarMar27]

Right, he has been understanding so far, but I felt like I needed some space and I wanted to leave him because your right I need to be able to find myself first, but he didn't want to let go cause he says I'm not use to having a good man and what not and he doesn't want to split, but its just something would not let me let go, its like part of me tells me to leave it alone cause I'm not ready but the other part of me feels like he may be the one for me and I feel like I do love him and want to be with him , its so confusing, I can't really explain but it sucks.

[Gemini54]

My husband very early in the relationship told me that he loved me and that he wanted to move in with me. As far as he was concerned - I was the one.

I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car - I wanted to run for the hills, but was frozen to the spot.

I knew that I needed space and time and although I trusted him, I wanted to understand who he was. Lots of men and women get caught up in the newness of a relationship, declare their love and then flee.

I was wary of, what I felt were, premature declarations of love - and although it was flattering and exciting, I did not allow myself to actually tell him I loved him until could genuinely say it with feeling and truth.

The relationship developed at my pace - with some pushes from him - we married four years after we met, and have now been together 11 years.

Trust your intuition - give yourself time and space to get to know this man so that you can say whether he's the one for you. If he's truly a good man, he'll understand and hang around. Mine did.

[MarMar27]

Oh wow really that's a great story! Hehehe, yeah he feels he's 100 % that I am the one, I feel the same way you described you felt, it's kind of scary, I feel that I am in love with him but I am scared to put my all into the relationship right now cause I really have only been with him 5 months. Love is wild I guess, you really don't expect it and then it happens.

[talaniman]

Don't let him rush you, your scared and rightfully so, so take some time to make sure of your own feelings, and not just react to his.

[Catsmine]

Marmar, have you guys been apart any during these 5 months? For a week or so?
Stepping back, even a little bit, can help clarify your view of the relationship. I'm not saying break up, just take a break to look at yourself, him, and the relationship without feeling like you have to decide immediately.

[MarMar27]

We barely see each other cause I work nights he works days so we really only see each other two-three times a week .

[Catsmine]

Try a separate vacation, like 8 days straight, just to see what you feel like.

I'm with the "love at first sight " voters. It happened to me 24 years ago and she's sitting on the bed while I'm here at the desk in the bedroom.

But you need to be sure. Use that phrase and he'll let it happen, which will say something right there.