[ssingo]

There appears to be something wrong with my 42 year old son. He has lived away from home since he was 18. He is now living close to me... and I think he has some problems. I knew he has always had trouble making ends meet financially. He is now married and has one child with this woman. He was originally married and had a child that was born dead. They divorced. Then he married a girl from the Philippines and they had two children. These children are now in the Philippines with their mother who is dying of cancer. In his young life, I knew he was immature, but thought that would come with age. He was diagnosed with low blood sugar as a baby after having three separate seizures (he was then never allowed to eat sugar, and this was controlled). As he aged he gradually started eating sugar and had no problems. He was born 6 weeks premature and weighed 3-1/4 pounds and his weight went down to 2'14 ounces ~ he was in an incubator in the hospital for six weeks at birth.

He cannot pay his bills. He has difficulty getting along with what he says is a "controlling wife" ~ although he absolutely does not want to leave her most of the time. They are in a household with their child, age 7, and four other children (hers) ranging in age from 18 - 10, plus a boyfriend living there with the 16 year old daughter.

He was working to buy a business from his brother, my other son, but would not run the business as it needed to be run. He receently started writing checks which were not sufficient. Although they were covered by the bank, he received a $35.00 per check charge, which he could not afford. He received a check from the IRS for over $3400. He did not tell his wife ~ he lied and said the check was for just over $400 ~ and proceeded to spend it on himself, extravagant mother's day gifts, things for the house ~ and... one which blows my mind ~ he bought 14 mother's day cards for a total of $70.00 of which we only saw four of them used ~ two to his wife, one to me (his mother), and one to his 88 year old grandmother.

Because he was ruining my son's good business name in these two college towns, I decided to do something to help. He was out of town with his brother for seven days. His wife kept telling me all the things that were going wrong. I decided to go over to his house. With her permission, I went through all of his things and decided I had to start paying their bills for them. I called him and asked if this was OK (he said "yes" but my wife won't let you). I asked his wife if I could do this (she said "yes, but my husband won't let you). Because I had gotten a "yes from both of them, I proceeded to set up a checking account, to make out a spreadsheet that showed how they could make minimum payments on everything and come out with a nice nestegg at the end of six months. I knew he was uncomfortable, but thought it was going to work. I gave each of them a list of what I needed them to do (contact people to find out minimum payments, etc.). Within a week, I could tell something was wrong. My other son was delighted that I was going to help them with this problem area in their life which would keep his name as upstanding in the community as it has always been. However, this 42 year old son has made it clear that he doesn't need my help. Consequently, they are both now unemployed, and I have not heard from him since this all occurred, even though I have left several messages on his cell phone.

Two years ago, they were going to be evicted from their apartment if they didn't have $2500. I gave them the money. They had managed to pay back all but $300.00 of it.

Eight years ago, she was trying to get her kids back from her ex husband who had taken them to California. My older son lent them $2200.00 to accomplish this. He hasn't seen a dime of repayment.

His father (I am divorced from their father) says he has given him over $35000.00 over the years. The latest was a new car, which my 42 year old son wrecked (totaled) and had failed to pay the insurance just before moving over to take the business opportunity offered by his brother.

Besides the money, we have tried to help him with interventions throughout the year with he and his wife, my son and his wife, and my husband and I being present. Nothing has helped.

When they moved here, I gave them an old car. My other son gave them the use of another old car. They had nothing upon arrival in the town with the five children.

I have listened to his wife tell me all the good things and all the bad things he has done for 10 years. I can't figure out if she is an enabler, if she just buries her head in the sand and lets him do as he please, or what. She appears to be very sharp, and certainly a good talker.

At my insistence, his brother paid for health insurance for him as an employee, so he could begin seeing doctors for help. First they said ADHD, then another doctor said BiPolar, then back to the original one who said ADHD. All the while he was given drugs (Ridalin was one), and he was overtaking the medication according to his wife. Then the BiPolar medication strickly said “no caffeine” and he was buying the shots of caffeine at the quick marts and drinking them. He want ridalin, but can’t find a doctor that will give it to him because he can’t pay the doctor bills, so no one will see him. It is a small town. He is running out of options.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't see how they will be able to live. I need help!!

[pipesmokingman]

With all due respect sir , you can't live your sons life for him , yes I appreciate you want to do only the best you can for him ,BUT what toll is this taking on YOU?

The guy is an adult , not 18 , he HAS to sort his own problems out in life ( sounds like he has quite a few unfortunately ) , but in my opinion , you need to step back somewhat and look seriously at what all this is doing to you ( and you family /relationships? ) - if you are happy and able to keep baling him out then fine , but you do need to consider yourself in this

Sound harsh? well maybe you need to get hold of him and have a good man to man talk , sometimes "tough love " is the answer , OK it may rip at your heart , as you obviously care deeply for him which is admirable , but he like all of us in life has to chart his own course , and whilst you want the best for him as any parent would , you can not and must not let this situation take YOU down as well

Hope everything resolves itself eventually and comes out for the best - take care of yourself mind as if you go down then who is to help him?

Best regards

pipesmokingman

[Nestorian]

I'm bipolar, and I've been wrongly diagnosed with depression for ten years. All the while I saw counselors, doctors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists and such to find no help. My life was always a mess, even though I took anti depressents, I was still depressed. I moved about 2 years ago back to my home town. I saw a new Psychiatrist, and she said, you may be ADHD. Then after putting me on new meds, she siad I was bipolar. It took a while to find the right dose, meds, and combination of meds to keep me on a fairly balanced mood. I still feel the depression (Lows, sad feelings), and manic episodes (high, euphoric feelings).

If you want to help him, sadly you have to let him do what he will until he realises he needs help, sadly he may never do that... You can't help him or even keep him alive unless he tries to keep himself alive. He must help himself and as the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it."

His wife may be better off with out him too. She sounds like she needs to get something going, and to stop having children she can not afford to keep in a healthy safe, secure, stable home. But again, that is her choice.

The money your 42 year old son will not likely pay any more money back, or very little if he does. If you keep paying for him, he will never take it upon himself to realise he can't live as he is, and must get help. "It's sad but true."

You can not take responsibility for his life as he is old enough and mentally capable of dealing with it himself. To "lend" him money, or cars, or pay his rent, or what ever; is to take from him his responsibility for his life, and that is in turn taking away his freedom to learn.

After he has started to get help, and starts accessing agencies, programs, thearopy, counseling, and putting real effort into getting better, then maybe give him "small" help, like if he needs a ride to work, get him a bike not a car. The kids, unfortuantly will suffer a great deal for all his short comings, and difficulties, as well as his wife's. I know because of me many people suffered. I had to learn to forgive myself for that though...

Also, do research on the Bipolar thing, he may be both bipolar, and ADHD. He must stay away form Caffine, sugar loaded things like junk food, alcohol and all other drugs (as it renders meds ineffective and can revers or highten the effects of the meds.), and various other things depending on his physical state. You can only be there for him, if you can learn about what he is going through, and he is ready to listen, learn, and work on getting better.

The whole idea that medical professionals should "know" what is wrong is just foolishness and an act of ignorance on the general public's part. Any number of diseases, or illnesses can have symptoms that inter connect, combine, intertwine, blend, and ultimately mask each other. The diagnosis, medicating, deciding coctails of medications (combinations of meds, often called coctails.), Deciding dosages, and various other forms of treatmens such as; counceling, group theorapy, self theorapy, individual theorapy, music theorapy, meditative relaxation, deep breathing relaxation, and sooo much more; all of these things go through a Trial and Error process. They say, OK we know that such will affect most people like this, lets try that. Ok didn't work, lets try the next best thing, and so on till they find what works. Mental processes, and even the human biology is not an exact science. Some cells act and behave one way, then they flip and become erratic, same with neurons and random firing, causing seisures.

Well, the only other think I can suggest is reading books like, "the brain that changes it'self" By Norman Doidge (an interesting perspective on how the brain works, and how we can control our thoughts, feelings/emotions, and actions.), Some self help books, and Psychology books.

May peace and kindness be with you...