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88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 07:26 AM

OK I need some support here. I came on here the first time because I was in an affair with someone and didn't know what the heck I was doing. I had given up on my marriage but hung on and smiled pretty for my sons sake. So many of you helped and didn't sugar coat it for me either. Well after moving back home and ready for the long road to getting my marriage back on track I am starting to have doubts and really need someone to set me straight. Nothings seems to have changed. We are what we were before I left and I hate that. I know it won't be fixed over night and I was ready for that. But I guess I expected us to try together. We have actually become more divided really. It always used to be "us" now its yours and mine and I don't like that. Its like we aren't a team anymore. I understand he needs time to heal for my bad choices. He is actually being amazing in a sense for the pain I put him through. But I am kind of lonely and I don't feel it there. Maybe now I am paying the price for hurting him and should shut up and deal with it right.

But to make matters worse my mind has been wondering to the one I left behind. I can't stop thinking of him and part of me wonders if I made the wrong choice. The stupid thing is I know he is all wrong for me. I mean is that gut feeling really a good thing to go on? I still feel so much for him and I have been missing him so much and just want to leave it alone. I was OK for awhile and I was so focused on doing the right thing. But I sit here and think of things and it makes me want to make that call. I know if I do then it starts all over again and I don't want to do that. But it so dam hard to miss him when I know I shouldn't. Especially when there isn't a part of him that's right for me.

Someone just make me snap out of this again. Slap me silly before I do something stupid and regret it.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 07:43 AM

I have to say that I have not done anything and don't plan to. But I hate feeling what I am feeling while I want to make it work at home. I can come on here and real a pile of threads and tell them what I think. But for me when its personal it hurts like hell. Maybe I need to give it more time and it will pass. I am just venting to myself I guess at this point. I need to get it out.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 07:49 AM

Venting again! I really do need someone to vent to right now. I am so badly thinking of him right now. So typing nonstop on here is stopping me from picking up the phone. I will write myself repeatedly if I have to. Call me crazy but today I feel like I am in love and its all so wrong and I don't want it. I need to do what's right and keep fighting for what I know is good in the end. In my head I want to yell I love you!! But then I want to run fast and far away from him. Please don't judge me to harshly. I am just getting this all off my chest. I am being so weak today and I can't take it. I don't know why. I usually feel so strong.

none12345 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:11 AM

Hey Sunflower. No matter what the situation may be in a relationship, it is never easy. All I know is that, at the end of the day if you work hard for something, it feels good and if it turns out the way you want it to, than its all worth it. I say work on your marriage and don't think of the other guy.

Remember the day, you and your husband got married and how in love you were in with him? I bet at that time you wouldn't regret marrying him, so don't start now. Work on your relationship with him with better communication. You've already made a choice in life the day you married and you promised to love him for the better and worse.

Also, don't regret the life you chose for yourself. Living in regret is the worse thing that can happen. No you did not make a mistake by trying to work out your problems with your husband and letting the other guy go. Actually you made a good decision. Sit down and have a mature conversation with him.

Hope this encouraged you a little sorry if its too long =P

talaniman · Jun 8, 2009, 08:19 AM

Wow, I was going to ream you a new one, and give you some cyber slaps upside your head, but I can't.

I am so proud of the way you have recognized your reality and putting in the effort to do the right thing for yourself.

I know your mad that I can't give you that silly slap, but I do have a great big hug of support, which I think you need more than the slap.

>BIG BEAR HUG<

liz28 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:20 AM

You and your husband need counseling and you need to stay strong. As you stated already change won't happen overnight.

Btw, it is okay to vent.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:27 AM

Thank you! I don't regret marrying him. I don't regret going home and trying again. I wanted that. I just guess today I am feeling all these emotions and don't know where to turn or what to say. As far as talking we are so talked out. We have spent months talking about the choices I made. It came to a point there isn't anything more to be said. We just stopped talking and we are going with it. Back when I was moving home I loved him more then anything. Making love, was making love. Not just the chore of it like it is now and like it was before. I wanted to be there more then anything. But so quickly it got stale and just back to what it was. I know it takes 2 people and I know it won't change without me changing also. I have and am still trying. But like I said I need to shake these thoughts of someone else. I know its natural at one time or another I will think of him and think back of my time with him. But when I start that it brings me down. Why would it bring me down when I made the choice I wanted. I wanted to go home and I am there. My son has both his parents and the split didn't effect him in any negative way. I hate getting emotional like this. Sometimes I read these threads and take the advice for myself that's left for others. Its been a great crutch for me to lean on. I just needed a random ear today for my random venting. I know I am not in a good area, since I was the cheater, but it still messes you up. I can tell you when all this passes and life is normal again, whatever normal is, I will never ever look over the fence again.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:28 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Wow, I was going to ream you a new one, and give you some cyber slaps upside your head, but I can't.

I am so proud of the way you have recognized your reality and putting in the effort to do the right thing for yourself.

I know your mad that I can't give you that silly slap, but I do have a great big hug of support, which I think you need more than the slap.

>BIG BEAR HUG<

For some crazy reason this just brought tears to my eyes, big ones that are ready to roll down my cheeks. Ugh! I am so weak today and I can't take it. OK they are rolling now...

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:31 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

You and your husband need counseling and you need to stay strong. As you stated already change won't happen overnight.

Btw, it is okay to vent.

We did counseling for maybe 8 months or a bit over. That was during the heated part of the affair. It was crazy. I wanted to work on the marriage but couldn't cut the boyfriend out. It was weird. But most of the time I went alone and it was good. Your all my counseling now. She never said anything to me I didn't already know or that I haven't read in this site.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:32 AM

Am I crazy or does this happen? I feel like I am falling back rather then forward. I have been so good staying strong and going ahead.

none12345 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:33 AM

Perhaps you need some alone time to figure things out and sort your feelings.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:34 AM

Venting! Tal I am crying big tears right now and its your hug that set it off. What's going on with me today. This is so not like me.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:41 AM

Originally Posted by none12345

Perhaps you need some alone time to figure things out and sort your feelings.

I thought that's what I did when I left home. But in the end when I was there I was never alone. My husband always drove by and the other always called. I hated it. It's a much better feeling to be with one man rather then juggle 2. I learned that lesson. Oh believe me its not worth it at all.

liz28 · Jun 8, 2009, 08:41 AM

Today your having a down day because more than likely you wanted things to go differently between you and your husband.

You even watch the movies where someone cheating rather it the wife or husband then the cheater comes home and guess what? They kiss and make up then cry a little together, blah blah.

In real life it doesn't work that way and the only thing you can do is give it time. Stay strong and have a lot of patience. And talk to your husband and come here to vent.

XOXO

I wish · Jun 8, 2009, 08:46 AM

We all have bad days. Instead of focusing on your problems today, maybe you should go out and do something that will cheer you up. It's better to sort out your problems when you're in a better mood.

When you feel more up-lifted, you can come straight back here and we can help you sort out your mess.

As for your situation, you're right, you are paying the price of your mistakes. But you should also be proud of yourself for owning up to your mistake and making the effort.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 08:51 AM

I agree with that for sure. Your right. But I know its going to take time and I know it will depend on him mostly. One day he may say he can't get past it. I think today what's bothering me most is I want to just fall back and call up the other and I can't be so stupid. I can't do it. I have been strong and worked hard to get where I am in the marriage today. You know. Now I have these memories and feeling popping in my head. For the 10 steps I took forward I have fallen back some.

talaniman · Jun 8, 2009, 09:09 AM

You need time that's all. We all have those bad days, they will pass, just build on the positive steps you have already taken, and let those feeling come out where you can deal with them.

88sunflower · Jun 8, 2009, 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

You need time thats all. We all have those bad days, they will pass, just build on the positive steps you have already taken, and let those feeling come out where you can deal with them.

I am scared my dealing with them will be calling the one I left behind. UGH! OK though, I am distracting myself here. Thank god I found you all.

liz28 · Jun 8, 2009, 10:19 AM

Sunflower sometimes it is easy to not want to face your problems and look for an escape. This guy was your escape and addiction for a while.

Also, it is hard for your husband to just open up and forgive because I am sure he have people in his ears telling him not to.

Between it or not it is going the both of you to work together and it is going be hard for your husband to get to the point to where he fully trust you again.

The road is going be bumpy but if the two of you want it to work it will and can overcome this together. He is going have his days where he pull back emotionally from you and it going make you feel more down but whatever you do don't try to escape it--face it. Don't focus or dwell on your ex and turn your focus to something else.

redhed35 · Jun 8, 2009, 10:56 AM

Hey sunflower,I hope your feeling a little better and didn't make that call,if you were reading your own thread what advice would you give someone in the same position?
You made the decision to stay and give your marriage a go,stop looking over your shoulder.. move forward one tiny step at a time.. I was wondering if you and your husband had made time in the week to spend together,like a date night?
Something you would both enjoy,throw some fun back into your relationship,get to know each other again,fall in love again.