[Bella Jordan]

:(My boyfriend and I had a huge fight last night. We were both out having drinks at the bar where he works and, after one too many drinks on both of our accounts, we ended up arguing in public. Basically, I'd been feeling like he's been taking me for granted and hadn't bothered discussing it with him. I also made the mistake of bringing up past hurts in our relationship that have led to trust issues - something we have been working on for the past few months. And it all came out in the wrong way and at the wrong time. I know that he's been overworked lately and that we've both been stressed about our current employment situations, on top of trying to plan for our upcoming relocation. Now he feels that I've embarrassed him in front of his friends and colleagues, a mistake I also made just a few short weeks into our 7-month relationship that almost brought it to an abrupt end. (Although, I've since spoken with our mutual friends and they said they can't imagine why he's embarrassed as it wasn't really a "scene" at all.)

What he didn't know - and what I later told him when we were fighting back at home - was that yesterday marked 10 years to the day since I was raped. I hadn't discussed this with my boyfriend before. In fact, I've hardly discussed it with anyone outside of my therapist and my family. When I told him, he became angry that I didn't come to him with it before - especially, he said, since he'd been so open with me about his abusive childhood. And I received no empathy whatsoever - just anger. What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly.

We slept on opposite sides of the bed last night and, when I woke, I leaned over to tell him that I loved him and that I was sorry for my behavior. He told me that he loved me, but later said that he thought we should spend a couple days apart because he was "still angry" and because he "need[ed] time to think."

While I understand that I could have dealt with the issues at hand in a more constructive manner and at a more appropriate time, I do feel a bit unapologetic given his reaction to my revelation. As I told him, it's not something I particularly enjoy discussing or thinking about.

I also don't particularly like the idea of "time off." I understand that he may need time to cool down, but I'm a much bigger proponent of talking things out in the immediate aftermath as opposed to waiting and then pretending that the argument never happened in the first place.

Thoughts? Is he trying to end things or does he really just need some time with no contact to cool down and work things out?

[Justwantfair]

Well I can tell you first, you admit and note yourself, a lot of horrible fighting habits that you need to work on. No one wants to fight or be fighting in public, especially in front of their friends. You also admitted yourself that you were fighting below the belt on things that you were already trying to work out, which undoes any progress you had made in finding a solution.

This is the second major fight in which these things have been a factor within a seven month period, which would be red flags to me that this relationship wasn't going to be healthy and not to invest anymore of myself in it.

You then in the middle of a huge fight, admit to him your most tramatic past and are upset that his reaction wasn't empathic. Well you have to consider where and how he was getting the information. If he had already poured his soul to you, to find out later that you didn't trust him the way he was sharing his trust with you, well there is yet another blow.

It is definitely time to step back. You have plenty to be worried about, counseling being top on the list, in this time that he is reevaluting the situation. Don't focus on what will happen. Worry about the things that you need to do for you.

Good luck.

[taoplr]

:...What I fail to understand is how he can be angry at me for choosing not to tell him about what happened, when he obviously can't or won't respond accordingly. ...

... I do feel a bit unapologetic given his reaction to my revelation. As I told him, it's not something I particularly enjoy discussing or thinking about....

...but I'm a much bigger proponent of talking things out in the immediate aftermath as opposed to waiting and then pretending that the argument never happened in the first place.

Thoughts? Is he trying to end things or does he really just need some time with no contact to cool down and work things out?

You describe some pretty poor behavior at the bar. If you don't take his embarrassment seriously, despite how it happened and despite the opinions of your mutual friends, consider him lost, now or later. If you apologized expecting a specific kind of forgiveness in a certain time frame, you didn't really apologize. You did a little ritual.

Consider the possibility that, since your actions and emotional well being are still influenced by the rape, your boyfriend deals with some of it. If that is correct, he might feel that he has been paying for what happened to you, in a behavioral sense, and he should have known. As you say, he has been open about his childhood, and he must feel exposed and vulnerable.

Give him room to think. Be kind to him. You can't reduce the risk of time apart leading to a breakup, but you can make it worse by pressuring him. Take a good look in the mirror.

[help gf problem]

Give him space to think, be nice to him, don't pressure him tell him u love him.