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    salinagospo's Avatar
    salinagospo Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 25, 2009, 09:41 PM
    I can't handle my boyfriend going out to bar/club?
    My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 3 years now, and the thing is.. ever since he had been with another girl a year ago while we were broken up.. it was hard for me to trust, but he gained it back.. and then after a while when he started "going out" I started having this recurring dreams, of him cheating on me because that's all I thought about, day and night when I'm not with him, we hang out everyday though for about 4 5 hours a day and the thing is he turned 21 a month ago, and he goes to the bar at least once a week.. which is fine right? And also I'm not old enough, I got about 4 more years to go lol.. I mean he goes out with my brother... (me and my brother do not get a long and he does not like the fact I'm with his best friend so he would do nethin to sabotage and ruin the relationship).. and my bro use to tell my boyfriend "lets go with these girls..." my boyfriend told him no... and I hope that's how it stayed... and so when he dresses up and goes out wit my bro and som other friends and drinks at the bar/club its soooo hard for me! I don't want to be whining but usually I'm fine with it for lets say... an hour and then when it starts to get late I get REAL worried, I mean come on at 1 in the morning your out at the bar? U have a GF? Ugh jeez... he calls me always when he gets home though.. so I don't know why its so difficult for me to trust him...
    Its just the fact that, he's out and I have NO clue/idea what he's doing... also if he goes out and shoots some pool... does he go out and shoot pool or is it a diff. story? So many of these kinds of questions go through my mind every time he goes out... and I feel so bad because he doesn't even go out a lot.. and if he does he calls me when he gets home... and I DO not want to be controlling.. because he lets me go out too.. so I don't know what to do I just seem I can't take it anymore at times... I get real anxious and I start crying until I cry myself to sleep..


    Its starting to make me feel physicall and mentally ill... and it stresses/wares me out... especially because I've been having dreams of him cheating on me and us getting into fights CONSTANTLY, like its just recurring non stop... so girls and/or guys please tell me what to do or some tip or advice please?:confused::(
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #2

    May 26, 2009, 01:31 AM

    First off you can't call him a cheater because he never cheated on you. You can hold what he did on a break against him because the two of you were broken up. Once your broken up with someone regardless if it was a break--your free to do whatever and who you want because you are free.

    Now your only 17 and he is 21 and some how I think your making this relationship your whole life which is very unhealthy. Your getting mental and physically ill because he has a life and is doing what most 21 year old guys do. As soon as I turned 21 the first thing I did was run to a bar to drink. I went clubbing for weeks straight to get it out of my system and I stopped going clubbing a long time ago because it isn't my thing.

    You need to get a life and hang out with your friends even though you might not be able to do the things he does but you can still have fun.

    Staying at home crying and making yourself sick isn't the way the to go.

    This is what happens when you date an older guy. He can go to bars/clubbing, etc. I think above anything your jealous because you can't go and watch him.

    What more could you want from him because he calls you when he gets home so you know he is home. Sooner or later he is going get sick of you and leave you alone because you don't want him to do anything that doesn't involve you--red flags. However, this is what he gets for messing around with a 17 year old.

    You need to stop it and stop being demanding. Stop the crying and go get a life of your own. Stop calling him a cheater because he isn't. And take a chill pill. If you can't do these things then leave him alone because if you keep it up he will only leave you.

    On side note, I don't know what your parents say about the two of you dating but I would have made you ended things a long time ago.
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #3

    May 26, 2009, 02:31 AM

    The dreams, they basically mirror your fear that he is going to cheat on you. I get that it is on your mind (although he was with someone else while the two of you were broken up)... but I guess that you really just have to have a little faith in him. That he won't sleep with someone else, while with you.

    As for what you can do about it... of course there is an age difference between you that makes it harder for you to do what he does. And although some might argue that going out 1 a week is a lot, some might not (it could be 3-4).

    What types of activities do you do when he's out? Do you hang out with your friends etc?

    It might be important for you to have a life of your own, next to the relationship (and for all I know you might already have one), but if you don't... if you have limited yourself to school and relationship, then you need to do something about it. A relationship should be a bonus to your life, not your life. Its unhealthy as of the moment for you to just sitt home when he goes out with your brother.

    As for trusting him when he goes out... well he has declined your brothers wishes to hang out with girls in the past? Why shouldn't this continue? I think that for your own well being it's important to keep in mind that the thing with the other girl... was when you were broken up, not while the two of you were together.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #4

    May 26, 2009, 04:12 AM

    I wanted to add that you said the two of you hang out everyday for 4-5 hours and he goes to the bar once a week. He stays until 1 am and your beefing. Again what he is the big deal? And this is making you sick and causing sleepness nights?

    I would like to know how long should he stay at the bar and how often do you think he should go?
    Triysle's Avatar
    Triysle Posts: 245, Reputation: 84
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    #5

    May 26, 2009, 04:46 AM
    Your fears are an indication of your own lack of self-confidence, Salina. Right now you should be focusing on your own life and not worrying about his. A truly healthy relationship is only possible if both people are secure with themselves and their own lives. You are not, and frankly at your age it's not really possible because you haven't begun to fully experience your life yet.

    If he is 21 and trying to have a relationship with you, that's also an indication of his lack of experience, or perhaps his desire for control. Whether he knows it, he can't have a mature, loving relationship with you because he also hasn't experienced much of his life yet.

    You can try to make this work, and probably end up with a broken heart (which is probably what you will end up doing) or you can choose to end this thing now and focus on your own life. How can you know what you want? Do you plan on going to college? Do you plan on going straight into the workforce? Once you start making plans for yourself and seeing them through, you will get your own sense of reward and accomplishment, and this guy won't seem as important anymore.

    Also, you to accept the fact that even when you are married, you won't be able to know where he is or what he is doing all the time. Trust is very important, but you won't build any by sitting around wondering about what he may or may not be doing. Get a life of your own, stop expecting him to entertain you all the time, and find a way to have fun on your own.

    Personally, I just don't think it's a good idea for you to try and date him right now. If you just want to mess around and have fun, that's your business, but be ready for some heartache.

    ~ Tee
    salinagospo's Avatar
    salinagospo Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    May 28, 2009, 08:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by liz28 View Post
    First off you can't call him a cheater because he never cheated on you. You can hold what he did on a break aganist him because the two of you were broken up. Once your broken up with someone regardless if it was a break--your free to do whatever and who you want because you are free.

    Now your only 17 and he is 21 and some how I think your making this relationship your whole life which is very unhealthy. Your getting mental and physically ill because he has a life and is doing what most 21 year old guys do. As soon as I turned 21 the first thing I did was run to a bar to drink. I went clubbing for weeks straight to get it out of my system and I stopped going clubbing a long time ago because it isn't my thing.

    You need to get a life and hang out with your friends even though you might not be able to do the things he does but you can still have fun.

    Staying at home crying and making yourself sick isn't the way the to go.

    This is what happens when you date an older guy. He can go to bars/clubbing, etc. I think above anything your jealous because you can't go and watch him.

    What more could you want from him because he calls you when he gets home so you know he is home. Sooner or later he is going get sick of you and leave you alone because you don't want him to do anything that doesn't involve you--red flags. However, this is what he gets for messing around with a 17 year old.

    You need to stop it and stop being demanding. Stop the crying and go get a life of your own. Stop calling him a cheater because he isn't. And take a chill pill. If you can't do these things then leave him alone because if you keep it up he will only leave you.

    On side note, I don't know what your parents say about the two of you dating but I would have made you ended things a long time ago.





    **Thanks for the help, and I mean it because I really needed it, I appreciate you taking your time in giving me advice... and your right I just need to get over it! And just think of the fact that if he's with me he wouldn't do anything to ruin the relationship as in cheating on me! **
    salinagospo's Avatar
    salinagospo Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Jun 4, 2009, 08:01 AM
    In a fight with a boyfriend, but weird dream?
    Threads merged

    It seems though as if every time we get in a fight or don't talk for a while, I have dreams of us as normal, smiling, hanging out, laughing, and usually I have a dream of us "making UP"...

    Then when we are good, I have dreams of us fighting and not talking and perhaps him cheating and then getting into a fight...

    Anybody know why this happens?
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
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    #8

    Jun 4, 2009, 09:23 AM

    I sometimes have those dreams as well. I always felt that I have bad dreams when we're good to make me realize that reality is so much better, and awesome. And then the dreams when we're mad at each other and we're happy in the dream just makes me think that its my subconscious telling me we're fine and that we can get through anything together. I'm no expert, but that's what I always think when I have those dreams.
    salinagospo's Avatar
    salinagospo Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Jun 5, 2009, 10:31 PM
    Hard boyfriend situation
    Threads merged yet again.


    So my boyfriend hasn't been talking to me because I lied and I'm mad at him because he went through my myspace... but he should be more mad at me because I promised I wouldn't lie... and so 2 days ago he told me he didn't want to see me the next day or talk to me... n then when the next day came he went to the bar that night and then ended up by my house with his friend wanting to see me, so he called me and told me to come out... n I did but my bro (hes friends with them but it was late and my parents weren't home so he was in charge).. told me to come back inside right away and itold him I had to leave and he siad OK go u ******* b**** his friend called me up 2 minutes later told me he just said that because he was drunk and messed up.. I thought otherwise... so the 2 days ago he told me he was going to call me when he feels like it... n when he called me that night and after I went back inside I guess he got mad again and then today he did not pick up any calls and he turned off his phone on me... I sent him a myspace message and everything... still no response or reply... he won't answer my phone calls... idk what to do... this is literally making me so anxious I'm ill as in nauseated and all that... what should I do because he won't call me or pick up,, (he never does this)
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
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    #10

    Jun 5, 2009, 11:03 PM

    Dump him. He thinks that he can be the captain of the relationship and tell you what to do. No. I assume you guys are rather young. This sounds like a bad relationship. Don't let anyone call you names, especially not someone that says they care, and especially not the B word.

    Stop contacting him, and when he feels like contacting you, tell him you've moved on while he was playing little kid games.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #11

    Jun 5, 2009, 11:19 PM

    It's time to move on, find someone else that treats you with respect.

    It's also time to stop lying if you want a mature relationship.

    Also, stop the chat speak, it's against the rules of this site. And try putting a period in your post somewhere, it will make it easier for us to read.
    ChihuahuaMomma's Avatar
    ChihuahuaMomma Posts: 7,378, Reputation: 608
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    #12

    Jun 5, 2009, 11:25 PM

    Well, there's .'s. But there all in one spot, as are the ,'s. Oh my the *'s. LOL. I'm just being silly now. Yes, chatspeak is difficult to understand. And you deserve better than this, realize that, move on. Stop lying. Simple.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #13

    Jun 5, 2009, 11:31 PM
    Sorry darlin', but this is what happens when you stuff up.

    You lied, he reacted and now it's spiralling out of control. You're both trying to get reactions from each other by behaving badly.

    If he won't call you or pick up then you just have to wait - and give some thought to how you created this situation by being dishonest.

    As you can see, it doesn't pay to lie. It only creates problems.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #14

    Jun 6, 2009, 07:40 AM

    what should I do because he won't call me or pick up,, (he never does this)
    Dump him, and stop playing these kid games. Your life will be easier without him, and your lies.
    Lowtax4eva's Avatar
    Lowtax4eva Posts: 2,467, Reputation: 190
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    #15

    Jun 23, 2009, 12:58 PM

    I don't see any problem with him taking a photo with some girl at a bar or going to a party where there would be girls. The only real thing to worry about here is him spending the night at a girls house, which you mentionned just in passing like it's not important.

    You have to realize guys his age are going to go to parties and clubs and can have friends that are girls. It comes down to if you trust him and yourself.

    What happened when he spent the night at this girls house, was it just them or a group of people slept at one girls house cause she lived near the club/hotel where the party was?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #16

    Jun 23, 2009, 01:38 PM

    Your not ready for a healthy adult relationship, and are trying to keep tabs on a grown up, who is going to party by nature. You have been with him long enough, and maybe some one who is nearer your age and attitude would make you more secure, and trusting.
    jennifer1986's Avatar
    jennifer1986 Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Aug 19, 2010, 05:56 PM
    If he say he cares he would never called you a B word a person that love you and care for you should never never call you that name that really desrespectful.If a guy call me names I would leave him as soon he say something mean because we as a women need to get respect from guys. And if you still with that guy that mean that you don't respect yourself if you don't put your food down he going to keep doing it.

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