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LostSoul515 · May 25, 2009, 05:19 PM

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago... on my birthday AND on the same weekend as my graduation from law school. I have had a pretty hard time dealing with it because I was pretty certain we would end up together, but I'm hanging in there.

One of my closest girlfriends at law school considered herself my best friend and my boyfriend's best friend (even though he didn't feel the same way about her). We all spent a lot of time together, mainly because I felt sorry for her as she had just gotten out of an 11-year relationship and was very lonely. Now, she's there for me, but I also know she intends to maintain a friendship with my ex. That is fine with me, but I do not like the thought of the two of them hanging out 1 on 1. I trust them both, and I know I probably have nothing to worry about, but I don't even want the thought of the two of them hooking up to cross my mind. For this reason (and also because when I was dating my ex, he mentioned that he felt uncomfortable around her alone), I asked my friend if, out of respect for me, she would mind not spending time alone with my ex-boyfriend. Her response was that she'd really like to find out why he dumped me, and if he gives her a good reason, then maybe she can forgive him. Otherwise, she's not sure she'll still want to be friends with him.

I don't think she would ever consciously hurt me, and I really trust him completely on this subject, but you know how sometimes one thing can lead to another. Am I being unreasonable here?

Thank you!!

lilsolider89 · May 25, 2009, 05:29 PM

I think your being reasonable to an extent,Obv seeing a future with this guy and him expectedly unexpectedly whichever ending the relationship has hurt you and Now a million things have entered your Mind after a break up I No I have an Im sure we all have had things enter our mind we never did before.

I do now think however it is the turn of your ex to stand up and be a man,If he doesn't like being around this girl he now needs to tell her,It was all OK telling you when you were together to keep the peace and what not but there is no need if he falls out with her Big deal No Problem so I do think he know needs to stand up and if he does still feel the same tell her he doesn't want her around... All you can do is take time out to heal get past him and get over him! You just telling your friend to stay away is going to come across as jealous and miss trusting and you may also Lose her.

I'm in a similar position myself but in my situation Im the friend who originally set out to find out why and if it could be fixed it has however come out very differently then I expected

LostSoul515 · May 25, 2009, 05:34 PM

How did it come out differently than you expected? (if you don't mind me asking).

Fr_Chuck · May 25, 2009, 05:45 PM

You can't and should not try to control what other people do.

That is a real issue, when a couple breaks up, they can lose their friends also.

And you said you "trust" your friend, trust them for what, if they even started dating the other person, you are broke up with him now and she is free to date him now if she wanted to.
Making your friendship harder I know but not really there to control peoples friends.

Gemini54 · May 27, 2009, 01:32 AM

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

Since neither of them have expressed any interest in each other I think that it's your insecurity about the relationship break up that's getting to you.

In any case, as Fr Chuck says, you're not in control of what she does. She wants to find out what the story is from him, he's her friend as well, that's her choice.

Let it go.

dontknownuthin · May 28, 2009, 02:42 PM

I think you need to let other people manage their friendships and relationships. She has to know without even talking to you about it that you can't really confide in her about the relationship if she's going to continue both friendships. I would say that your boyfriend needs to be off the subject list for your time with her because you cannot trust this situation - what you tell her will get back to him and vice versa.

I'm guessing she was envious of your relationship with him and may want to replace you in his life. Be wary of that situation. Let them do what they please but don't give the situation your full trust in terms of what you confide.

I'd also say that you should seek out other friends, focus on your job search and family, enjoy your great success in earning your JD and give yourself some time to get over this breakup.