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rimania · May 20, 2009, 10:28 PM

Well I don't know how people will judge me if I say that I am married and I have nice friend from chat Well our relationship is based on just writing sending mails and sharing ideas through forums but no cam our friendship was so strong and respecting each others in some extent we don't talk about love or anything beyond that but I have been confused and I asked him his opinion and what he thinks honnestly his answer let me thought I am a specila person I lost my control and decided not to keep contact with him I thought of my husband and I should keep his loyalty after separating from him I recognized that how much I love him as a friend and the way his respect to me and never said anything more than friendship and his help and advices were so specious and I need them now
I am just wondering if am I unfaithful to my husband baring in mind that my husband knows about my friend
Is it bad bad to loose his friendship or letting him go
Hope to hear from your advices
Welll I don't know whether my feeling for him is strong friendship or he is a specila friend but what we decided is not to appear on cam and not to talk about love so that our relaship can be clean but in a sense I hesitate to continue
I really miss his advices and his way of helping me should let him or think more serious

trmpldonagn · May 20, 2009, 11:03 PM

Do you feel comfortable talking to your husband about all of this? I know he knows about your friend but maybe if you tell him everything it may even bring you closer. To your husband that is. Try telling exactly what you have posted here. Whatever is missing from your friend that you let go or whatever it was that you really appreciated and enjoyed, is it possible that they happen to be things that are missing in your relationship with your husband?

rimania · May 21, 2009, 12:25 AM

Originally Posted by trmpldonagn

Do you feel comfortable talking to your husband about all of this? I know he knows about your friend but maybe if you tell him everything it may even bring you closer. To your husband that is. Try telling exactly what you have posted here. Whatever is missing from your friend that you let go or whatever it was that you really appreciated and enjoyed, is it possible that they happen to be things that are missing in your relationship with your husband??

Well our friendship was so wonderful and we have been talking espacially about how to rise my kids and also difficulties I have encountering as a foreigner in a different culture we also talked about about some problems with my husband and seem that he resolve them all for me and he was trying every time to push me to love my husband and to be a good wife and thanks to him me and my husband can be a nice partner
Well my husband is a nice person but he is not interested in topics I talked to him any topic I suggeted even the most important ones. I just lost my confidence in myself believing that may be I am not good in telling event and making them more intersting for my husband
Well I feel so sad that my husband doesn' t like sharing ideas or opinions well my friend is the only person I can enjoy sharing ideas
If in a way I say to my husband about what we talked he seems not interested or what I say is not enjoyable at all
I am lost in a way because I really want to be for my husband and to exchange my ideas but he is not willing too
In the other I feel guilty for keeping a strong friendship with my best friend and I feel like betraying my husband
I really miss him and his encouraging me

N0help4u · May 21, 2009, 12:57 PM

I don't see anything wrong with talking to a guy as long as your husband is okay with it and you keep the talk to things you would talk to with another woman.

Like a few years ago I had some Internet guy friends that I talked to. We talked about our kids, work, recipes, hobbies and things like that. I didn't have a boyfriend at the time but if I did I don't see anything wrong with what we talked about. It was like talking to some Mr. Moms or something.

JoeCanada76 · May 21, 2009, 01:04 PM

I do not think you did anything wrong. I know now a days that lines can be blurred and or crossed. Your honest with your husband about this internet friend. In my opinion, you have not done anything wrong.

I agree with the above answer Nohelp4u.

JoeCanada76 · May 21, 2009, 01:05 PM

Just want to add, Just in real life or the outside world. Many couples and married couples have different friends. Male and female and does not mean that anybody is crossing any lines.

rimania · May 21, 2009, 10:49 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I don't see anything wrong with talking to a guy as long as your husband is okay with it and you keep the talk to things you would talk to with another woman.

Like a few years ago I had some Internet guy friends that I talked to. We talked about our kids, work, recipes, hobbies and things like that. I didn't have a bf at the time but if I did I don't see anything wrong with what we talked about. It was like talking to some Mr. Moms or something.

Thanks so much for your support and advices It helped a lot and gib\ve me more confidences
I thought I am bad and as if I am cheating my husband but I didn't do anything beyoond the red lines just sharing ideas
Thanks

rimania · May 21, 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I do not think you did anything wrong. I know now a days that lines can be blurred and or crossed. Your honest with your husband about this internet friend. In my personal opinion, you have not done anything wrong.

I agree with the above answer Nohelp4u.

Well I am happy that you sympathise with me and I just felt lost I wanted to be sure not by asking my husband about that ne t friend but I wanted to hear most people
Thanks a lot for your advices

rimania · May 21, 2009, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Just want to add, Just in real life or the outside world. Many couples and married couples have different friends. Male and female and does not mean that anybody is crossing any lines.

Well you are right I just needed somoene to talk anyway not to be stressed somoene can help with his opinions about raising kids and problems since my husband all the time don't think about our problems seriously and never want to share opinions
Thanks again

taoplr · May 21, 2009, 11:15 PM

You can trust the advice that you have been getting here. As long as you stay on this side of your "red line," there is nothing wrong with you having male friends, your husband having female friends, both of you having gay friends, and just relating to people as people. Trustworthy friendships deserve respect. I fact, such friendships come from respect. How could this be wrong?

rimania · May 22, 2009, 10:14 PM

Originally Posted by taoplr

You can trust the advice that you have been getting here. As long as you stay on this side of your "red line," there is nothing wrong with you having male friends, your husband having female friends, both of you having gay friends, and just relating to people as people. Trustworthy friendships deserve respect. I fact, such friendships come from respect. How could this be wrong?

Thanks so much but you know I am so disapointed when just yesterday I emailed him saying sorry that I want to finish this relationship a and I opoligized and I felt guilty for destroying our friendship
Well his reply was so cold and saying that I should think of my husband and not him and I had better not to think of our friendship
It was like a thunder of course my husband is the only person I love nobody else but sure I love my friends all and I don't want to loose them
I am destroyed because friendship is so special for me
Thanks all of you

Jake2008 · May 23, 2009, 07:42 AM

I'm not so sure it is a good idea to maintain this friendship.

The friend is filling a void, that your husband should be filling. To need somebody to talk to about thoughts and feelings is in the husband domain, not online.

If you need friendship, why not join a women's group, a church, volunteer in your community, help out at the local food bank.

If your husband is willing, make an effort to socialize with people. Friends, neighbours, relatives. Make an effort to use the resources around you to include him, rather than exclude him. See if your neighbourhood has holiday barbque's and/or get together's.

I personally find it sad that you have an online friend that you regard more highly, and confide in more than your husband. Having real, live, face to face communication to try to fill this gap with your husband, should be, in my opinion, your first priority.

While I agree that you aren't doing anything wrong, I think you could be doing a lot more off the computer with your husband.

taoplr · May 23, 2009, 11:14 AM

Originally Posted by rimania

... his reply was so cold and saying that I should think of my husband and not him and I had better not to think of our friendship...

Actually, that doesn't sound cold to me. It sounds considerate. He's being responsible. This relationship might not be the right thing for you because you are redirecting what should occur with your husband to a stranger. But that doesn't mean that he is a bad guy. You had some openness with him via the Internet. Now get about cultivating more of that with your hubby.

rimania · May 24, 2009, 06:20 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm not so sure it is a good idea to maintain this friendship.

The friend is filling a void, that your husband should be filling. To need somebody to talk to about thoughts and feelings is in the husband domain, not online.

If you need friendship, why not join a women's group, a church, volunteer in your community, help out at the local food bank.

If your husband is willing, make an effort to socialize with people. Friends, neighbours, relatives. Make an effort to use the resources around you to include him, rather than exclude him. See if your neighbourhood has holiday barbque's and/or get together's.

I personally find it sad that you have an online friend that you regard more highly, and confide in more than your husband. Having real, live, face to face communication to try to fill this gap with your husband, should be, in my opinion, your first priority.

While I agree that you aren't doing anything wrong, I think you could be doing a lot more off the computer with your husband.

You are so great in giving me this answer
I should in fact deal with some groups in my community well I started some and even going out with my child to the park and talk with other ladies about kids well as you know I am living abroad and I feel sometimes the homesick and need to talk in my native language and share ideas with people from my own culture
But of course I am open minded like to talk with any peson from different culture
My husband is the first person I need him for chatting and sharing I can't push him more He is so busy and on his day off like to take a rest and recover all his power
He doesn't like to be along with people I won't challenge anymore But I hope that he might change. His kids may change his mind they all already ask him strongly to go out with us and he has changed slightly
Thanks so much

rimania · May 24, 2009, 06:26 PM

Originally Posted by taoplr

Actually, that doesn't sound cold to me. It sounds considerate. He's being responsible. This relationship might not be the right thing for you because you are redirecting what should occur with your husband to a stranger. But that doesn't mean that he is a bad guy. You had some openness with him via the Internet. Now get about cultivating more of that with your hubby.

Yeah I in fact included that when I asked him for details explaining that I should keep the unity of family and include my husband to be more sociable and he also explain by asking him for advices and caring all the time of our friendship my relationship with my husband would turn worst because I neglect my husband and not doing any effort

Thank so much for your advice

N0help4u · May 27, 2009, 08:53 AM

Originally Posted by cassiepooh

ha ha ha. u know u like this friend or else u wouldn't come online asking for help about it. its time u be faithful to ur husband. b i t c h !

I am not going to give you a reddie but what would your advice be if she was talking to a woman as a friend?
As long as she is not crossing any lines I don't see a problem with having male friends but if she is developing an emotional attachment then yes she needs to cut off communicating with him. But for now b I t c h is rather harsh.

dontknownuthin · May 28, 2009, 02:56 PM

I think that if you found that this man fulfilled a need that was empty before, but you feel like you are emotionally crossing a line with him that is unfair to your marriage, you might need to take a new approach. Perhaps you should end this friendship because it makes you feel unfair to your marriage, but know that you need to find a new way to fulfill those things in your life that this man has provided.

It may well be that you need more female friends, for example, with whom you can discuss your feelings, frustrations and experiences.

As an immigrant, consider looking into whether there is a church or cultural organization for people who are from your original home country. Or perhaps take some English classes to meet other women who are learning English and like you, adapting to a new culture. If you have children, perhaps find other mothers with children the same age such as their classmates, and arrange some playdates - serve coffee and some snacks, and just have them as guests in your home, or start a weekly thing where you meet with other mom's and their children at a McDonald's playland or a local park.

I think it's often unrealistic for us to feel completely fulfilled as women from a single relationship with our husband. Men are not as emotional, intuitive or talkative as we are and they can leave us feeling unheard and ignored. Women can provide that sense that we are not alone, and we have support and love from more than one source.

I do think that you should trust your gut that this online relationship was not good for your marriage - the fact you felt that way is enough for me to say, you're probably right... let that friendship go, and find some women to befriend on your own, and/or some couples that you can befriend with your husband.

rimania · May 30, 2009, 02:11 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I am not going to give you a reddie but what would your advice be if she was talking to a woman as a friend?
As long as she is not crossing any lines I don't see a problem with having male friends but if she is developing an emotional attachment then yes she needs to cut off communicating with him. But for now b i t c h is rather harsh.

Thanks
I was afraid in fact to be developed more and more since our first chat it is not the same as now we have been talking about varieties of subject we have been so intimate that it s hard to make a clear line of our friendship and I am afraid to be developed so I asked to end it up So it was not clear for him why should this wonderful frieindship should end all at once
After we cut I realised that how was imortant I need somoene to talk to share no one at the moment
I miss this talk and now nobody I can ask for advise
But Iam optemistic to join this forum and discuss at least

rimania · May 30, 2009, 02:21 AM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I think that if you found that this man fulfilled a need that was empty before, but you feel like you are emotionally crossing a line with him that is unfair to your marriage, you might need to take a new approach. Perhaps you should end this friendship because it makes you feel unfair to your marriage, but know that you need to find a new way to fulfill those things in your life that this man has provided.

It may well be that you need more female friends, for example, with whom you can discuss your feelings, frustrations and experiences.

As an immigrant, consider looking into whether there is a church or cultural organization for people who are from your original home country. Or perhaps take some English classes to meet other women who are learning English and like you, adapting to a new culture. If you have children, perhaps find other mothers with children the same age such as their classmates, and arrange some playdates - serve coffee and some snacks, and just have them as guests in your home, or start a weekly thing where you meet with other mom's and their children at a McDonald's playland or a local park.

I think it's often unrealistic for us to feel completely fulfilled as women from a single relationship with our husband. Men are not as emotional, intuitive or talkative as we are and they can leave us feeling unheard and ignored. Women can provide that sense that we are not alone, and we have support and love from more than one source.

I do think that you should trust your gut that this online relationship was not good for your marriage - the fact you felt that way is enough for me to say, you're probably right...let that friendship go, and find some women to befriend on your own, and/or some couples that you can befriend with your husband.

Well I left it and I worried a lot before ending it up because we had mitual help and sharing advise we didn't talk about love or even we can't meet or even appearing on cam
But emotionally it was not clear well loving each other as friend
But finnally I could realize that I should not go furthermore because it might change
For him our friendship is so imortant and I do consider that
But only one decision is not to go more on this chat friendship In the future I don 't know if he may email and I would hesitste for refusing I don' t want to hurt him and in another hand I don't want to change mind on going chatting again
But I do miss now all the talk and advises
I do have to change and make friends around
Thanks

dontknownuthin · Jun 4, 2009, 12:16 AM

It sounds like you are really working hard to do the right thing while also finding people to fulfill your emotional and social needs for companionship, and you know, that's really all anyone could ask of you. I hope you will find that in time all your needs are met, and that you feel very secure in how they are met.