[catch 22]

Not sure why I'm here. I've already done a ton of thinking, a ton of reading, and I know things are out of my hands now and I should occupy myself with other things. So I'm a little disappointed that I'm choosing to spend my Tuesday morning thinking about all of this again, but oh well.

So my relationship of a year and a half just ended. Doesn't sound like much after reading about people ending 6 year relationships but we were incredibly close. For the first few months of our relationship we saw each other every single day despite working and school because we couldn't get enough of each other.

We argued a lot. There was a lot of outside stresses on our relationship, I decided to leave my job and then got caught in the poor economy and haven't been working. She was struggling to get through school and just recently graduated. So while we did argue a lot, I thought we both understood and agreed that these were temporary situations and eventually our lives would be less hectic and things would smooth out.

So about a month ago when things were going downhill we were talking about breaking up. Well, I guess I was the one who suggested it. I'm sure I didn't mean it because I don't even remember what I was mad about, but we were both in the habbit of threatening breaking up and then making up hours later. But what caught me off guard that time was she said "please don't break up with me while I'm trying to study for finals and finish school". That was a big red flag and I even said to her "ok, that makes it sound like at some point in the future, you WILL be okay with breaking up". She said I was just misunderstanding what she said.

Sure enough, her exams were done that week, we were hanging out the next Monday, we had an argument, and it was over. It wasn't even a big deal but I'm sure someone will ask what the final argument was about. It was an argument we had many times before. I text her during the day to ask if she even felt like coming over. She said yes. So I pick her up, bring her here, and feed her dinner. She gets comfortable in bed and I start to get the feeling she's going to fall asleep, so I say "how long should I let you rest?". She denies that she is going to fall asleep. Buttt she does and two hours later I'm trying to entertain myself while she sleeps. Finally I decided to just call today a loss and I wake her up and say she should head home. She acts sorry and insists that I get back in bed with her. So I think okay jackpot, she's finally going to pay attention to me. I get in bed and she lays there and practically falls back asleep. So I finally insisted she grab her stuff and go sleep at home, and then I end up being the bad guy. I think I was incredibly reasonable for asking earlier in the day if she wanted to come over at all, for asking how long I should let her rest (and having her deny it), and finally after letting her sleep for 2 hours (out of the 3 hours we had to spend together) telling her to just go home. But she still says its my fault, I'm not understanding that she goes to school at 6am and gets tired.

Anyway I didn't want to get that detailed but that is the basic pattern of most of our arguments.

So that night I sent a text like "just end it if I'm so awful", again not really meaning it, but before I knew it she really was ending it.

I was really hurt. I felt like she used me to get to the end of school, and now that she has a bright future ahead of her with a medical career and lots of money, she can toss me aside and look for something better. I spent my own money to keep her car running so she could get to work, gave her money to help her keep up with bills, etc etc. Yes I was out of work but don't get the impression that I was being a total bum around her, I was still more financially secure than her and helping her most of the time, not like I was making her take care of me.

So I of course messed up at first, demanded to see her a few days later, cried, begged, she only got me to go home by promising that we could talk later. Then again exactly a week later I figured she'd be ready to talk, as I mentioned we NEVER actually broke up before, we always apologized and made up, but when I asked to see her after one week she was still hesitating and said she didn't want me to expect anything. So I picked her up but we just talked in my car, and again same thing, more crying, more begging her for an explanation, nothing. She was still rock solid in saying "no".

For the next month I attempted "some degree" of no contact. I only talked to her to ask how school was going, and I did tell her that when she graduated in a month I hoped she would be ready to reconsider. Maybe once or twice we did get into a discussion about our relationship and never really got anywhere.

That's where we are at today. She finished school on Friday. When asking to talk to her this weekend she was saying "why, I'm busy" so I knew nothing had changed. She let me know that she did pass her classes and that's about it.

So I tried to salvage things and sent her one last email, saying sorry for bothering her, I should have given her space, I can't go back and change it now but I will leave her alone now and wait to here from you. We still need to exchange belongings and I said I would leave it up to her but I get the feeling she's going to drag that out, I don't understand why she would want to do it later rather than sooner.

Honestly I just feel like things definitely could have worked out, that's the only reason this is hard for me. I do not feel that I'm in denial about a relationship that was doomed no matter what. Like I mentioned, much of our stresses were temporary, now she's done with school, I unfortunately am still having trouble finding work but I still think if we had just hung out, we would have had a great life together.

I guess I am guilty of hoping that the No Contact idea will bring her back. I know I'm not supposed to use it solely for that reason. I AM using the time to focus on myself, improve myself, eat healthy, and work out, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping this will cause her to miss me. Even working out and eating healthy is because I want to look good whenever I see her again.

Should I break my No Contact rule to insist that we exchange belongings? She doesn't have anything that I desperately need but I just think it would be even worse to do it a few months from now. I don't understand why if she wants me truly gone she is dragging out this process. So I kind of wish we would get it over with, maybe that would help her understand that I really am gone and maybe make her reconsider, instead of being able to see my belongings all over her house every day.

Really the bottom line for me is how am I supposed to move on from someone who I was committed to loving for the rest of my life? I've been a pessimist for most of my life and have always been told that I need to have hope, have faith, yet now when I try to apply that to this situation, people are telling me it's wrong and I should move on. Whenever negative thoughts enter my mind, wondering who she's out with or what she's doing, I just tell myself to love her, send good feelings out into the universe, and if I maintain my love and stop my ego from saying "screw her, her loss", maybe she will be back one day.

There's a million other details I could give, but I feel like this is too long already. I know nobody has a magic answer, just here to vent I guess.

[0rphan]

Hi catch 22,

I think it was a situation of events that led to your break up.

Her being tired, you feeling agitated when she fell a sleep.
You then having waited all day for her to come round,only to find her falling a sleep for the second time,which compounded your agitation,leading to you telling her, to get her things and go home.
Which then made her think, you don't really care whether she's tired or not, just as long as you get the attention your after.

It was much a do about nothing really, but to late to go back on.

You've apologized, which is all that you could have done.
She knows how you feel about her,so the ball is in her court now.

I don't think that you should keep harassing her about exchanging your belongings, as you've said it's not like you need any of it.
In one way it's a good thing,having your stuff about the place will remind her of you,so I would let that one lie for a bit.

You have to remember she has been under a lot of stress with her schooling coming to an end.. exams etc... when she said don't finish with me while I'm studying for my exams,she simply mean't she wouldn't be able to cope with that as well... not that she wanted it to happen.

At the moment you have time on your hands because of no job, you need to channel your thoughts and energy into looking where ever you think there maybe a chance of a job.

At least your doing the right thing by keeping fit and healthy, the busier you keep yourself the better off you will be.

I think you should have no contact at all, she knows where you are if she needs you.

Don't think up an excuse to go and see her or email her... it won't work.

She has too come to you of her own accord with no prompting.

I really truly hope she does, but you have to be patient, carry on with your life do your best to find work,more importantly go out with mates occasionally and have a good time.

I'm a great believer in fate... if you are meant to be together,whether right now or in the future... you will be

Goodluck

[h_leann_b]

So it has been about a month since the actual breakup? I don't mean to sound harsh, but if she hasn't tried to get together and talk or hang out, she is not going to. I think you need to break all ties with her. And yes, this means Picking up your stuff, giving hers back; and saying goodbye. It is over. I don't think it was fair of you to get so upset at her for falling asleep. She sounds like a really hard working girl, and honestly she probably felt like you didn't understand. Since you didn't have a job you could sleep in, she studied and went to school all day. You should have supported her. There was so much outside stress on your relationship, and you brought it into your relationship. That's just my opinion though.
You can only move on once ties are cut. So cut them and go your separate ways.

[dreamingartist]

were you pissed that she fell asleep, or were you pissed that you didn't have sex with her because she fell asleep.

It sounds like after you woke her up, she was like come get in bed with me... which to a Guy is like, "hey come get in bed and lets have wild sex" but to her it was, I am really tired, if you love me and want to be with me so badly, you can get in bed and snuggle with me.

Here is a reality check. Lets say you never ever ever ever had sex, ever. +1 ever.

so if you have never had sex and she was like, hey! Come get in bed with me and cuddle, I'm tired, you know what you would have done...

you would have gotten in bed with her and been very content. But I think because most men get relationship satisfaction from their significant other in the form of sex, maybe not having sex was bothering you and it caused you to lash out.

There have been times in my previous relationship where my X has told me she is coming over, I've even asked, hey can we make love? And she's like yah possibly "possibly = no.. i wanna sleep" Then she gets over, she's tired and she's like, I want to go to sleep. So I get mad and I am like, OK well why didn't you just drive home in the first place if you wanted to sleep, we aren't even hanging out or anything (but I am really saying, no sex? Whaa? Please).


So if you weren't looking for sex and it didn't irritate you that you didn't get it, then disregard my statements, but I am just going from previous experiences and it sure sounded like maybe there was some shabanging that needed to go down but didn't.

[SAB123]

Looking back now after my ex fiancé broke up with me, I wish I would have done a lot of things different. My suggestion to you would text her saying pick your stuff up or drop off at her friends or familys house, all those things will just remind you of her. Then take the time to find you. I wanted my ex back sooo bad I would have done anything to get her back. But I look back now and think to myself what a piece of sh*t I was going to marry. I only realized this until I was healed. But for you it sounds like you were her security blanket until she finished school. And if that's the case why would you want to get back with someone who was just using you anyway. But I would drop her stuff off, stay NC and get yourself healed and if she does come back you can make a good choice on taking her back.

[catch 22]

Thank you for the replies so far. I will try to address your individual comments.

I am split about going to pick up my stuff, much like the responses I got from you guys. Part of me thinks it will help to remind her of me during the day. The other part of me things it is the last excuse to stay in contact with her and I should go get it over with. I told her dragging things out would just give me hope that she's coming back and that's exactly what it is doing, so I don't know why it's not in her best interest to get it over with.

Yes it has been a month since the break up. NORMALLY I would agree that the window of opportunity is gone, BUT in this situation, I still think she was too occupied that month with school and work and probably didn't even think about her decision much. Now she is out of school and waiting for her medical licenses to arrive so she should have a lot more free time and I'm hoping maybe now she will have to sit down and reflect about what is going on. This is still her first week out of school so having so much free time should be a bit of a shock to her system.

Yes I will not lie - sex was part of the equation of me being frustrated. But still, sex or not, I still think I deserve credit for asking if she was even feeling well enough to come over, THEN asking how long I should let her sleep, THEN gently suggesting she just head home, before finally getting mad. It is not that she came over, closed her eyes for two seconds, and I blew up at her. I had all the understanding in the world that she was running around all day while I was at home unemployed, which is exactly why I asked if she even wanted to come over. I'm sure her defense would be she's too scared to say no and offend me.

She said the same thing one of you mentioned above, if I really wanted to be with her, I would just be happy enough to lay there with her. And of course looking back, now I feel the same way. I would give anything to have not gotten mad over that. But back in the state of mind I was in, I felt insulted that I take my time to pick her up, feed her, eventually drive her home at night, yet I'm supposed to be perfectly satisfied that she slept through our entire time together? I think coming over and napping for an hour or two is a fair compromise, instead of sleeping the entire time.

I have had my fair share of relationships and breakups, and I'm well aware that after a while I look back and realize I wasn't meant to be with them. And I know it is all too cliché to sit here and say "but she was the one", people will just tell me to give it time and eventually I will realize that I didn't need her either. I suppose at some point I will get there. But we did talk about marriage and I did want this to last. Yes we argued but we had an amazing amount of things that we got along about too.

I have been making an effort to get out of the house, but that can backfire too. Hanging out with my friend and having his girlfriend show up to spend time with him doesn't make me feel too good.

So I'm still pretty undecided here... get my stuff or leave it alone. Is it over because it's been a month already... or is this week the first time she's really going to have a chance to think things over.

It just hurts when an apology isn't good enough. It would be different if I was fighting to get her back while trying to convince her that I didn't do anything wrong.

[catch 22]

The last time I really talked to her was the last week she was in school, and I wasn't so much asking to have her back as much as I just wanted her to say something or admit to something that would help make me mad at her and make it easier to move on. She left a relationship of 4 years to be with me, so I asked her if there was someone else, she said no (the only question she would really answer). I asked her if she got sick of me a long time ago and stuck with it for the wrong reasons, but I got silence on the end of the phone. I asked if she was using me for money or just for a place to go relax instead of going home every day and arguing with her mom, no answer.

So again I don't understand why she wouldn't take the opportunity to just explain something to me and hurt my feelings bad enough to get rid of me. And I warned her that even her silence was enough to make me think "she doesn't really want me gone". Hell, even if there isn't someone else, she could just say Yes and I'd be too hurt to pursue her anymore. Or admit that she used me for money. Or even agree with me when I point out the big coincidence that as soon as she is done with school and ready to start her life, suddenly she's done with me. But she won't confirm or deny any of these things, so all I have to work with is that we "Argued too much" and I still see that as something that can be repaired.

And that is the same thing going on with trading belongings, last time I brought it up it was like SHE was offended, or says she's too busy to take care of it this week. Why drag it out?

One time during that month I emailed her, then a few days later sent a text and just said "hope you're doing okay hope you actually read my email" and I was floored when I got a somewhat decent text back from her "yes i read your email, didn't have time to respond thank you for sending it. i will call you soon". I ended up getting my hopes up too high because when I called her she didn't have much to say. So again I wonder why she would do these things if she really wants me completely gone.

[catch 22]

Any more opinions guys?

I'm only a few days into NC, is it better to insist we exchange belongings right now?

Or leave it alone for the sake of NC, and have to see her at some point down the road to get my things back? Or worst of all... never plan on getting my stuff back!

I have been going back and forth all day about whether I should break NC now and exchange things or just keep quiet and see if she contacts me.

[Triysle]

If you want your things, then let her know that you want them and ask when you can come get them. Then, go get your things. Don't talk to her, don't even look at her if you don't have to.

Deal with things as you need to. Your life is your own now; stop worrying about following some kind of rules. You aren't really breaking NC if you need those things to get on with your life. Right now you're letting her have this control over you, and you cannot move on until you have no reason to think about her. You're still going to think about her, but you really should get your things back as soon as possible.

Just my opinion.

~ Tee

[catch 22]

Yeah, I suppose I should get them sooner rather than later. I will not try to talk to her when I see her, I will leave as quickly as possible. Maybe I will try this weekend.

[catch 22]

Threads merged

I am going to speak with my ex tomorrow. She is going to a friend's wedding today and part of me hopes that will spark something in her about who she would like to spend her life with.

I visited her mom earlier this week just to speak with her (I know I'm making all the NC-lovers cringe). Her mom really sympathized with me and told me that my ex is just really stressed out and probably isn't 100% certain about what she is doing right now.

I maintained NC all week but yesterday I couldn't come up with anything to do and my heart hurt watching TV on Friday night by myself, so I broke down and text her, and that's how our conversation for tomorrow got arranged.

I still have hopes for this relationship so the discussion will serve 1 of 2 purposes, either she is ready to talk, or this will be the last knife to the heart that I need to finally move on. Sorry that I failed at NC, but I'm like a puppy dog who keeps coming back, I need to be pushed away again because I still don't believe it.

If she is not interested in trying again, her mom said I am welcome to pick up my belongings for myself, so Tuesday when my ex is at work I will leave her belongings on her bed, grab whatever I can find of my stuff, and take care of it without even having to see her. Unfortunately part of me still hopes "she'll see that I brought her stuff back and it'll finally hit her that this is wrong".

Please pray/think about me. Pray for the RIGHT thing to happen to me. If I am supposed to find happiness away from her, then so be it. Or if we are meant to be together, please let her realize it.

Also help me have the strength to deal with this. I can tell by my behavior this week that I am not going to handle this well. I am going to miss her every day and be hoping that my phone rings.I have been through breakups but this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Whether you think my methods are right or wrong, I'm sure many of you want to criticize me right now, I will learn my lesson the hard way if I need to. Whether you agree with me or not, please if you have room in your heart for an extra thought or prayer during your day, I would appreciate it.

Thanks...

[myuz]

Good luck mate

[roxypox]

Good luck! No matter what, stay strong!

[eendjuh]

Hey mate. I really hope things turn out for you, whether it is with her or not... everybody deserved a person in his or her life that with all his/her heart wants to be with the other one.
I know that I also really have troubles with the NC thing... but from my first breakup with my girlfriend I know it's the right thing to do... I was moving on with my life, got to know new friends, went to the gym, even got some girls attracted to me, but I wasn't really ready for it at that time... and then she came back and well... now I'm in the same situation all over again.
Please believe me, following her like a puppy dog isn't going to do you any good, you will keep on getting rejected time after time and keep on getting hurt. You need to continue with your life and if she really is the one for you she will come back... and you will be a much happier person at that time instead of a heartbroken guy. And if that doesn't happen well... you still are in better shape than before. The pain will still be there I know, but it gets better.
Good luck, I hope you find your happiness soon, as all of us deserve...

[spiritcharms]

Time is a great healer, whichever way this turns out will be for the best. You have already seemed to have accepted what you will do either way and how you will feel, in other words prepared yourself for both outcomes, and I know there is hope still there, but at least you've prepapred yourself if it turns out the outcome you didn't want,you will still feel the pain of it, but it won't last forever.

Prayers from me to for a happy outcome. :)

[Pauldiscovery]

Best of luck and I hope you get what you want from life, whether it be with this lady or someone else in the future but never ever give up hope.

[punture]

Good luck. I will definitely need it too!

[myuz]

How long you two been broken up? Sounds like its recent... the way your feeling reminds me of my first few weeks after the break up. I am feeling quite a bit better now (6-7 weeks now) just tough when the person who dumped you won't let you be...

[WillaWinda]

You don't really give a clear idea of what the situation is. You mention you brought all her things back to her room. I think that was a wrong move if you want her back. Did she ask for them? If not, that is giving the wrong message, because the message she receives with that is that you don't want anything with her since you brought all her things back to her. First thing to know, is why isn't she wanting to be with you? There is two big reason why you should know, first, because if you know why it is she doesn't want to continue, then you can at least know what it is you need to fix, and if it is something you can and are willing to fix.
And second, if you know why she doesn't want to be with you, you can then deal with it.

[ldanny]

Returning her stuff to help her realize that won't work... it will only help her confirm that its really over. I know because that's what happened to me.. She said "If you are over me eff you too.."

In any case, good luck