[edjolanski]

Background - I met my (ex-)girlfriend online 10.5 years ago. Though we were on different continents, we still became extremely close and developed strong feelings long before we finally met and started going out just 2.5 years ago. Since that time, we have had many ups and downs, but I always felt that she was "the one." I was able to fly out to see her quite often, as I work for an airline, and lately even for 4-6 weeks at a time. On several occasions, our problems got so bad that she even tried to break up with me, but we always managed to talk it through, usually because I would come out to see her right away.

Nearly two months ago, I returned home from a trip to Asia. As far as I knew, everything was fine and she was really eager for me to come and visit her, and still excited to talk to me, loving me; basically everything was normal. A couple days later, however, apparently out of the blue, she said she was really enjoying her independence, this eventually lead to her wanting to break up. She claimed she was suddenly no longer in love with me. She says that there was nothing to trigger this event, and even she doesn't understand what happened! But she could not deny how she felt, even though she did not know what she would feel in the future, she did not want to lead me on or get my hopes up.

I was devastated. I had to cut off communication with her, otherwise I just agonized all the time. She seemed perfectly able to continue talking to me in a way that felt so natural to me--just like before--but whenever I would do this, it would bring all the feelings back like a knife twisting inside of me. So for about a month I did not speak to her aside from a few messages. I did a lot of self-reflection during this time, and started planning a lot of changes in myself that I wanted to make (and put that into action as much as I can in a few weeks). I started a journal, in which I was essentially writing to her every day. I thought this would be therapeutic, and it did really help. Unfortunately, none of this diminished the pain in any way.

The more I thought about trying to take charge of my own life and the direction I want it to go in, the more I realized that I needed a better answer from her. As I analysed my own life, what made me happy, and what I wanted, I realized that she was still an important part of that. She had asked me to marry her once a few months back, and I didn't turn her down, but I hesitated--I was afraid, due to the problems we had had in our relationship in the past. She was really devastated by this. I realized now, however, that even then, every part of me wanted to marry her, I was just being controlled by my fears. I decided that along with all these other changes I was making for myself, I needed to conquer my fears as well.

So I bought a ring, and flew over to see her, not knowing what was going to happen, but determined to be brave and act for myself instead of being lead along in my life. I stayed at a hotel, not with her, and I didn't tell her I was coming. I surprised her at her place, not knowing (or caring) if she was seeing anyone else, fully aware that I might walk in on someone. But she was alone, and was very happy to see me. She invited me in, we sat and talked for a while, I gave her a bunch of gifts I had purchased on my trip, and presented her with the journal I had written to her, and we looked at some pictures. I asked her to dinner that night, and she agreed. And as I was leaving to go back to my hotel, she stood in the doorway blocking my way, and we kissed, quite passionately. I spent the night there that evening, and everything was really wonderful. It all went so well, in fact, that I chose to give her the ring and propose to her. She was taken aback, but really touched. She promised me she would think about it.

By morning, however, as great as it felt, it became evident that she was not ready to marry me. She was still enjoying her new-found single life too much, and was afraid that with me things would just go back to the way they were, which neither of us wanted. She has spent the last 6 months working really hard on herself, especially working-out and losing weight, and frankly she looks amazing. This had the side effect, however, of guys starting to check her out all the time and be interested in her, something she's never felt in her entire life, and which she's really been enjoying since we broke up. She even revealed that she had had a fling with another guy already, and slept with him a few times. As hard as all this was to hear, I still felt strongly that we should be together.

Having received my answer from her, I was prepared to leave the next day as I had originally planned in the case of a "no." But then something strange happened--she asked me to stay. Not surprisingly, I found this very confusing! When I came out, I had prepared myself for either a yes or a no. I hadn't prepared myself for falling back into each others arms and still getting a no! When I asked her why she wanted me to stay, she could only answer that she enjoyed my company and spending time with me. While this may have been a mistake, and certainly part of me felt I should not be doing this, I agreed to stay. I think it was a combination of, like her, simply enjoying the company, and also holding out some hope that this was a sign she might still change her mind--especially if she could enjoy spending this time with me and see a difference in the issues we had had in the past. I still agonized over this decision, however, and had a very difficult, emotional night in which could not sleep. I eventually got up early in the morning and started writing to her in my journal. This turned into a final journal entry, and I decided to leave that morning as planned. When she found out about this, she was devastated! She got really upset, and her attitude toward me changed instantly. She would barely talk to me. I tried to understand what was going on, but couldn't get through. Eventually after seeing her so upset, I changed my mind yet again (hmm, seeing a pattern here?) and asked if she would take me to the zoo the next day (which we had already talked about doing). Instantly she cheered up and was all excited and happy again.

That day she was very busy with work and we hardly got to see each other at all after that. When she finally got home late at night, she told me she had finished reading most of the journal I had written to her, and was so touched and moved to tears at times, that it was making her reconsider everything. She admitted that the reason she wanted me to stay is that she still wasn't sure of her feelings. She loved me very much, but was just really scared, terrified even, of getting back together with me. In my final journal entry, I had told her that I needed to cut off contact again, but that I still loved her and wanted to be friends, so that I would try to talk to her again in 6 months to see if I was ready to do that. She took this the wrong way, however, and thought I was suggesting we try the relationship again in 6 months, and that this was what she wanted. This was a very difficult thing for me to understand, and I said I would have to think about it.

We had a really amazing time together the following day--perhaps among the best days of our entire relationship. And over the next few days, we continued talking and were actually able to open up to each other quite a lot. She admitted that, because of the long-distance relationship, every time I had to leave her to go back home to work, it felt like I was abandoning her. Over and over again, she was traumatized by this. And especially when I went on a 3-week trip to Asia, instead of coming to visit her, this really affected her. The other thing that was really getting to her was the fact that when I came to visit her, she was my whole world. I didn't know anyone else there, and I was staying with her, so in the end she began to feel a bit trapped when I was there, like she couldn't go out with her friends because she was always worried about making me happy (even though I always encouraged her to go out). Anyway, those are just two good examples.

On our final night together, she told me very directly that she was in love with me, and wanted to be with me. She had to qualify this, however, with only being in the current moment. She had not overcome her fears about us, and was worried that the feelings would fade again, and so she still wanted this 6-month separation so that she would have a chance to work on herself, be free, miss me, and figure out exactly what she really wants. She says she knows how unfair this is to me, but she has to do it. She doesn't feel like she can grow as a person when we are together. So, that is where I am at now. I am home, missing her like crazy, and I fear I am becoming obsessed with her. I am becoming paranoid, always wondering if she is taking to other men, getting upset that she is not calling me or contacting me. She is very happy to talk to me when I contact her, and she still says she loves me and everything, they are always very pleasant conversations. But she doesn't take the initiative. She has told me that she is in fact still talking to other guys online, though just as friends. But she has also webcammed with them (not in a naughty way). This drives me mad. I am trying so hard to control these emotions of jealousy but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

So now my question is, what to do? Can this 6-month separation really work? Can it ever result in something positive? Most everyone I know tells me I need to move on, that I can't just sit and wait for her. And I basically agree, however I feel like I am abandoning her one last time if I do this. I feel like I am ignoring the feelings she expresses to me. But is my judgment just clouded by emotion? I know that I will continue to work on myself, and the changes I want to make for myself, and finding ways to be happy on my own without her, but this is a huge, daunting task, certainly not something that can happen overnight. It seems I only have a few options:

1. Continue talking to her as I am now, and waiting for the 6 months to be up.
2. Cut off all contact until the 6 months are up.
3. Tell her I am not willing to wait and cut off all contact.

What I really need, I think, is a fourth option, in which I am able to focus only on myself. Not cut off communication entirely, but not depend on it either. Let her know that I am still here, and still care about her, but not pressure her and be happy living my own life. I am just not sure if this is possible--so far it seems like I am not capable of doing this. Perhaps I just need more time because it is all still so fresh. Are there any other options? No matter what, I am going to be focusing on myself, so it's just a matter of what our interaction will be like during that process. I want to impress her, of course, and certainly at some level I want her to miss me and actually go after me. To feel like I am not just a "sure thing", that she would actually have to fight a little bit if she wants to be with me. But honestly, I cannot find any interest in other women, and I have tried! And I do not want to do this in order to manipulate her like some kind of game. I just want to be honest and direct. What do I do now?

Thank you,
Ed

[snow124]

She is right that it is not fair to you, and your friends are right that you need to let her go. You won't be abandoning her - she has abandoned you by, thankfully, outright admitting she wants a break to "be free." It's not right of her to say this is a six-month break when none of her actions show any commitment to being with you after those six months.

As to whether such a separation can work and can anything positive come from it - I don't think so. Option 1 would kill you, option 2 would still leave you thinking that you simply must endure the six months and things will be back to normal, so option 3 is your only logical choice. By choosing option 3 and severing ties, after six months of no contact have passed you'll have long since learned to see the situation objectively and realize how she has treated you quite poorly.

[millymee]

A long email.

I'll give you a short answer. I know you don't want to break contact in case it works out after the 6 months (but I doubt that will happen, the woman is playing you!)

DO NOT contact her... wait for her to make next contact, see what she says and decide if you want to answer. In the meantime work on yourself!

[susangpyp]

Why allow someone else to call the shots? Why would you want to be with someone who would put you on the shelf for 6 months. She obviously wants to keep her options open in case the freedom trail doesn't work out for her. Is that a really caring and loving thing to do? Not really.

My suggestion would be to take control of your life, take care of you, cut off all contact, and move on.

[chuff]

Tell her I am not willing to wait and cut off all contact.

The correct option is above. It's over, no sense punishing yourself anymore.

[artlady]

LDR's take more work than most relationships.It takes a very grounded couple to survive it and make it thrive.

She has abandonment issues and you have trust issues.Two major strikes against you right there.

Yes,you can wait six months but what do you hope to archive by doing that?
Do you really want to put your life on hold while someone else decides your fate?
Are you willing to be someone's plan B,in case nothing else works out ,she may or may not come back to you?

You say you can't find any interest in other women,so what? You don't need a woman in your life to complete your existence and when you least expect love that is when it comes knocking.

She has already left you emotionally,I think you need to do the same.

[liz28]

What a second you flew down there and proposed to someone that wanted her freedom and upright told you she wasn't in love with you?

Then to throw more salt to the wound she confessed she did love you but she needed 6 months to basically decide if she wants to be with you because she enjoys her freedom.

This girl isn't only confusing because knows exactly what she wants and knows what she is doing.

Correct me if I am wrong but your life doesn't stop because your in a relationship nor does it take away from your independence. She wants to free because she wants to be single and play around for a while.

You need to move on and I am glad that she didn't say yes. Married is a serious thing and is easy to get into and hard to get out. You need to think before you leap and really look deep at the person you want to marry. Because from everything you wrote about she doesn't fit the bill.

[edjolanski]

Thanks for all of your responses. I guess you are all really saying what I already knew. It's always hard to admit defeat, and I guess I've just been clinging to every last possible hope. It just makes me so sad to give up this connection I've had over 1/3 of my life... I guess I just have to hope we can be friends again once I've separated myself from her for long enough to heal... Thanks.

[chuff]

You haven't been defeated. The rules of the game changed without your knowledge, and you are choosing to not to play. That's not defeat, if anything it's playing fair and winning at it.

[Romefalls19]

Nothing close to being defeated, you simply didn't see the knock out punch coming. The good thing, you can change and adapt from this, you learn a lot from failed relationships. Take this as a lesson on growing up and learn from it.

[talaniman]

I guess I just have to hope we can be friends again once I've separated myself from her for long enough to heal...

That's your answer!!