[cassicat4]

Wow, that's very good. I think you have him nailed, like Gemini said. Everything you describe is exactly him.
I think I know what drives him, where this abusive nature came from. He's gone to therapy before for a different issue, and it helped. Is there any way I can suggest therapy to him now, with him actually listening, or at least, not flying off the handle? Anything I can say? With me not around, the only ones he'll be able to control are his own children, as he's pushed everyone else away... and I care about those kids, and don't want to see that happening. :(

[cassicat4]

I hate this. It's 3am, and I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. I can't stop the thoughts. I think I'm addicted, I want to call him, see him, email him, and just ask why. Why are you being like this? You never used to be... what changed? Why can't you just be with me without the drama, the issues, the control? The question is... how would he respond to something like that? Would it push him away? Would it make him think "hey, she has a point"? Even though my head tells me it would be a bad idea, my heart wants me to do it. Please tell me something so I don't, so I just let it go. :(

[Gemini54]

Don't do it. By approaching him you're giving him more and more control.

He loves the drama, he loves you being responsive to his whims. He pushes you away so that he can see you come hurtling back. He loves this.

He's good at creating that addiction, because some part of you is needy.

He won't listen to your pleas, they will only make him stronger and you weaker.

Resist the emails, texts, whatever. Have a drink, watch a DVD, scream into your pillow. Whatever it takes to resist the temptation. Don't do it.

[ROSIEBRENDY]

Personally I think your mad for staying with him, have a bit of self confidence and realise you don't need a mad boyfriend like this. His issues are his not yours! So to sound so harse but he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness. If I were you I wouold send him a calm email, telling him the rental agreement still stands and you want to formalise this. You should tell him your relationship is over but you would like to remain civil for the rental arrangement and if he can't do that he should move out all together.
It will be hard for you to make this break but its for the best. I think you know that.
Give yourself sometime to get over this man, eat plenty of ice cream and chocolate and get out with your girls. You'll soon find your thinking of him less and less until he's a distant memory you'll choose not to think about.
I wish you all the best!:o

[cassicat4]

You're all so wise. This is so hard. Every time I have a good thought of him, or miss him, I try to replace that thought with a time when he was a jerk, and there are several very significant times I can remember and that sometimes helps. But then a memory will flash in my head of something he does every day that's so sweet, or something about him that's so unique and special, and I get scared because I've never met anyone with those characteristics and I'm scared I never will again. I don't want to lose that, but I can't keep living like this either.
I remember at one point in our relationship he mentioned that he's scared of commitment because of what happened with his ex, and is self-destructive in relationships. Is this a test? If I leave, is he going to hate me and go 'see, I was right, I am self-destructive and she's just like my ex'? And if I stay, it'll reinforce that he's in control?

[cassicat4]

How can he be living life normally, doing whatever he wants to do just as easily as before, and I'm going through hell and can barely function?? :(

[liz28]

Your be able to focus on your life and put it back together once you stop trying to figure out his motives behind his actions.

I could give you an endless list to why he does things but most importantly he walked over you because you allowed it.

He is going continue to live him life while your having sleepless nights and unable to focus. Let it go so your healing can be begin. It is all about willpower.

[Gemini54]

How can he be living life normally, doing whatever he wants to do just as easily as before, and I'm going through hell and can barely function???? :(

I think the trick is not to think of him, as much as you can. When you find yourself thinking about him just say to yourself - "Stop"! Do it every time you think of him.

Does not his cold behavior tell you something about him?

Would you want to get back with someone that behaves in this way?

Think about that.

[cassicat4]

I'm trying, I really am. :(
I guess that's part of my problem. I'm trying to figure out his behavior. Trying to figure out why he's acting this way, how he can act this way, why he doesn't just come out and say what he means, what he's thinking! Why is that so hard? It's obvious he doesn't give a rip about my feelings, so why can't he just say what he's thinking? What's he got to lose? He's got to know he's going to lose me anyway, so it can't be the loss of control. :(
I guess I'm under the illusion that if I got back together with him, I could tell him "this is conditional. You need therapy. I won't be going through that again."
Sigh... tomorrow, it'll be one week since he left. How much space does he need before he talks to me again? I just want answers... :(

[liz28]

Do you really need answers?

Do you really need him to talk to you?

[cassicat4]

Even if the answers are bad... I think yeah, I do. :( The not knowing is killing me.

[talaniman]

I think your whole problem is that your going through a break up, which can't be easy, but are still around the guy your breaking up with. Recognize this as you can never heal, while your still seeing him, and what he does everyday.

One of you has to go.

[Ren6]

Reading this thread is driving me crazy. There are many decent, kind, healthy communicators out there just waiting for you to fall in love with them! This guy is a complete jerk. All of the others are right- he's doing this as a means to control and torture you. Cassicat, this guy is not relationship material. You will never get an explanation for his behavior.

You need to get out of there as quickly as possible. Don't try to fix anything, just get out.

[Jake2008]

You are so overwhelmingly controlled by this man that you cannot even find yourself.

You need answers in order to somehow figure out why he treats you the way he does. In having answers, you can put some sort of reason to it, and then once you have that, maybe he has some disorder that can be cured.

You've got it all wrong here.

If he were to say 'jump' right now, you would. You'd go and get him and be thrilled to have him back. You are not in the mindset to say no, and take back any of your own power and control over your own life.

He is a man who will do you no good, has done you no good, and will continue because he chooses not to either believe he has a problem, or believes he doesn't need to change. Why should he, he gets what he wants, when he wants.

I urge you to seek counselling, or do a little research online to find out what characterizes an abusive relationship, and why dominance by this man, controls your life. How to change yourself is the only way you will find happiness.

When you no longer think every waking moment about him, and why he does what he does looking for reasons to justify his behaviour, only then will you beging to see what you have lost of yourself in this relationship.

Please think about counselling as well. Many women just like you have been down this road, and it is a dead end. Find out why so you can think for yourself, and think what is best for yourself. Abusers are a dime a dozen.

Real strenghth and control is what you can only do for yourself.

[makapuu]

Your boyfriend seems to have unresolved issues that will keep entering your relationship. I am curious to know how your live-in relationship evolved. How was your relationship before you moved in together?
My boyfriend has similar post-tramatic type behaviors. He'll be talking to me, but he seems to be referring to something that happened in his past, sometimes I totally don't understand where he's coming from. I have come to realize that we love each other dearly, but we just can't live in each other's spaces. He lives across town and sometimes we crash at each other's place. Our relationship works best that way. We've tried moving in with each other, but it just doesn't seem to work out, and I thought it meant we were breaking up, but it didn't. We've had many discussions about our relationship, and I think living apart works for us. You would need to decide what type of love relationship that you want.

[cassicat4]

Update: so it's been about 3 weeks since he broke up with me. We ended up talking about a week after it happened. I'm not sure why he approached me, but anyway, I ended up getting a, albeit twisted and nonsensical, explanation out of him for why it happened in the first place. He gave me 2 different ones, on two different days.
The first time he gave me a reason, he said I was just a trigger and that if it hadn't been me, it would've been someone else. He's too stressed out with everything that's happening in his life and couldn't deal with me too.
The second time he gave me a reason, he said I had "betrayed" him by being "unstable" and "aggressive" in my response to the fight. He said two unstable people cannot help each other, and he therefore, as much as it sucks, needs to deal with everything on his own, behind a wall, and keep me at arm's length.
I strongly suggested he get therapy, to get an unbiased perspective on his life, but he says they won't be able to help him.
I still see him everyday, but only as a friend.
I'm starting to see him for what/who he is. He used to be kind, caring, compassionate, and used to make me a priority in his life. He doesn't anymore. He actually has become a real jerk. He's rude, selfish, self-centered, lazy, and makes cutting and hurtful remarks at me. When I do things to help him out (as a friend, to be nice and alleviate some of his stress) by doing his dishes or whatever, he glares at me, and demands to know why I'm helping him, what my reason is. I tell him, because I care, and want to help you out. He said his ex did it as a means of controlling him, of making him feel guilty for not helping, is that what this is?
When I called him on his behavior/comments, he said it's his way of making sure I'm still at a distance. Well congrats... it's working, I hope he's happy. Who wants to get close to that?
I have a list of many reasons of why I can't be with him... primarily, he's not the man I fell in love with, he's mean to me, and I don't think he's going to change back because he seems to justify his actions/feelings by saying it's all because of his ex. He's no better than serial killers who blame their parents for abusing them as children, and cite that as the reason for their behavior now.
I understand she hurt him deeply, and damaged him. But I'm thinking that's no excuse to treat his girlfriend, who's supposed to be important to him and mean something to him, like dirt. He thinks he has the right, that he's justified because of what he's been through, and what I've put him through... but I'm not OK with that.
What I want to know is... when does it start getting easier? :( It still hurts so much. We really did have something special, and I'm reminded of the little things, the sweet things, the good things, far too much. Some days I don't even want to get out of bed, and other days, I can't even sleep. I want the pain to stop.

[liz28]

You still have him living with you? If so, this won't help with your healing. It will only interfere with it.

[Jake2008]

Even the worst of relationships are not 100% bad, 100% of the time. Eventually you survive by remembering the good times, when things were emotionally healthy, easy to understand, and pleasant.

It is much more difficult to put your finger on specific dates, times, places to snap back to reality and remember, or remind yourself, why you made the decision that you did.

One way to help do this is keep a diary. When you start to doubt yourself, think about the times he made you feel less than human. You don't need to remember anything specific, such as an event, but that was a common behaviour theme with him. Write out how it made you feel, how it affected your thinking, self esteem, day to day living, etc.

As you remember, and write these feelings out, such as the fear, insecurity, distance, denial, inability to see he needs help, etc, you will have a better perspective of how it really, truly was.

Before long you will have a lot more balance between the good, and the bad.

Try to look at the total, in a critical, sober way. He is the way he is, and many traits you can now identify from an emotional distance, far better than you could when it was actually happening.

Another bonus for taking stock in this way, is that you will be better prepared the next time you are thinking about getting into a serious relationship.

[Ren6]

I'm with Liz... once you are in separate dwellings, things will get easier. You need to not be under the same roof!

[talaniman]

You will never heal while your still living together. Somebody has to go, and until you take the steps to make that happen, you will be miserable.

Amazing how you have not given him his notice, no matter how he treats you.

I

still see him everyday, but only as a friend.

He isn't your friend. He is someone who makes you miserable.