[trulytrying]

Hello. I'm truly sad and have been stuck in this funk for a few months. It's hard to eat--hard to sleep--I've become so thin--I hate it. It seems that whatever I do, whatever conversation I may have--anything and everything is through this cloud of sorrow, bitterness and anger.
The man that I have been planning to marry and have been dating for over a year has had some secrets that I have discovered. He opened a secret email account to talk with an old flame--"just in case we didn't work out" he said because "we were having problems". The problems were caused by me discovering him having looked at PORN! Yes! That's a problem and yes--it could be the ruin of the relationship... but a secret email account? Come on! He is not a porn addict--but he has occasionally looked at porn since we have been together. So he has lusted over other women while supposedly "in love" with me and I am having a really hard time dealing with that. So--secret email (which I found out about before he had the chance to use it so he deleted it and is ashamed and very sorry) and porn. I feel betrayed... and it has dealt a hard blow to myself esteem and my feelings about my own beauty and femininity.
I have put the relationship on hold--I know he is truly sorry and is devastated at the thought of losing me. But, I don't think I will ever be able to fully trust him in the future--and that is not a good foundation for a marriage.
How do I get past this heartbreak so I can LIVE normally? How do I stop thinking about his betrayal so I can function? How do I let go of this bitterness and forgive him--not to be with him--but to free myself of this burden? How do I let him go? :(

[SAB123]

My ex fiancé broke up with me a few years ago, I still feel betrayed and used and will never speak to her again. I want to for give her but I am also having trouble doing this. I guess the one thing that is helping me in forgiving her is getting to know god. But I don't know if you can totally forgive a person that has betrayed you.

[trulytrying]

So--it looks like lots of folks have read my post--but only 1 answered. (thank you!)
Maybe I'm taking this a bit too hard? Making a mountain out of a mole hill? Maybe I should just chill out.
I just want to know how to feel better.
I feel like disappearing into nothingness.

[SAB123]

I think a lot of people feel like you, I know when my ex broke up with me I felt like that. I guess it takes time. I'm not as bitter as I was 2 years ago but still have a lot hatered toward her now but it doesn't consume my life now more. I would give it time.

[trulytrying]

This is my first day using this site...
You know---this is pretty cool!
I feel encouraged by reading all the posts and situations.
I'm grateful to have found it. We can help each other.
Thanks SAB123! I wish you well.
I'm feeling a little better. I'm quite the drama queen.
Whether I stay with him--I've got to give the guy a break and forgive him--for both of our sakes. I'm going to read more and more on this website and really take it in!
Sigh. Yeah. I do feel a little better.

[SAB123]

Yes, this site helped me get threw my break up and if wasn't for me accidentally finding it I probably would still be messed up. But yes, you have to forgive or this will probably always be a problem in your relationship. I know my ex had a problem with something I did in the beginning of our relationship that she always brought up when she broke up with me. But a question I have is what other secrets does he have?

[ourpartner]

Hello. I'm truly sad and have been stuck in this funk for a few months. It's hard to eat--hard to sleep--I've become so thin--I hate it. It seems that whatever I do, whatever conversation I may have--anything and everything is through this cloud of sorrow, bitterness and anger.
The man that I have been planning to marry and have been dating for over a year has had some secrets that I have discovered. He opened a secret email account to talk with an old flame--"just in case we didn't work out" he said because "we were having problems". The problems were caused by me discovering him having looked at PORN! Yes! that's a problem and yes--it could be the ruin of the relationship...but a secret email account? come on!! He is not a porn addict--but he has occasionally looked at porn since we have been together. So he has lusted over other women while supposedly "in love" with me and I am having a really hard time dealing with that. so--secret email (which I found out about before he had the chance to use it so he deleted it and is ashamed and very sorry) and porn. I feel betrayed...and it has dealt a hard blow to my self esteem and my feelings about my own beauty and femininity.
I have put the relationship on hold--I know he is truly sorry and is devastated at the thought of losing me. But, I don't think I will ever be able to fully trust him in the future--and that is not a good foundation for a marriage.
How do I get past this heartbreak so I can LIVE normally? How do I stop thinking about his betrayal so I can function?! How do I let go of this bitterness and forgive him--not to be with him--but to free myself of this burden? How do I let him go? :(

Had this man made a direct commitment to an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you? If so, you need to understand that looking at porn is NOT a betrayal of trust in a mature relationship. Many men occasionally view porn or erotica. They find it stimulating and enjoyable. It seldom reflects upon their intimate relationships. You say he is not a porn addict but occasionally has looked. Porn is his issue, not yours. Your sense of betrayal over the issue is your problem and one you created.

I am concerned about how you "discovered" his history of porn viewing and "secret" e-mail account. While corresponding with and old flame may be problematic, in my experience persons who "discover" these things about their lovers or spouses often went looking for them. Is this the case with you? Most mature adults do not seek to study the browsing history of others, no matter who they are. People, including people in relationships, are entitled to personal privacy. Perhaps he said "in case we don't work out" because you treated his porn viewing as a serious offense against you. It wasn't. The typical man finds the suggestion to be silly, yet cannot discuss the subject easily with their lady.

I have some suggestions:

1. Make a list and include the things he did that you feel were a betrayal of trust.
2. Meet in a relaxed setting and tell him about your feelings, from the list. Do not go off subject.
3. Ask him to tell you HIS view of his conduct. Accept what he says as fact, without argument or dispute.
4. Ask him how he feels about your "discoveries" and reactions to them.
5. Use the information to inform your opinion of his, and your own, conduct.

If the above actions are not possible for you, please try to tell yourself the following:

1. The porn is NOT about me. I am a fine and desirable woman.
2. I rejected him because his conduct was unkind and I deserve to kindness and respect.
3. His conduct reflects upon his character, and not my worth as a woman.

Please consult with your physician, or seek out a mental health provider agency. Weight loss, disturbed sleep and perseveration of thoughts about the relationship are pretty common and treatable aspects of depression. Get some professional help if this persists.

[0rphan]

Hi trulytrying..

Many people look at porn, men and women.
It doesn't mean that they are betraying a husband/wife or partner,it's just something they do.

If anything it could work for your relationship rather than against.

It may be that he feels a little inadequate in the bedroom department, doesn't want you to be dissatisfied, so thought maybe he could learn something from it all.

Obviously he's not going to tell you... it wouldn't be a man thing to do.

This has no reflection on his feelings for you, the two are totally separate... a bit like when you watch your favourite movie and there's the heartthrob of your life playing the leading part, how many times do we say... I'd like to show him/her a thing or two, their gorgeous and so on...

We know it's never going to happen, it's just our fantasie...
Well it's the same with the porn... pure fantasie, never going to happen... but I might learn something.

Betrayal doesn't come into the equation.

I think you've gone way overboard with this, which was uneccessary, you need to accept that's what men/women do and deal with it.

More to the point is the private email.
Was that a case of him needing a shoulder to cry on because you've been nagging on and on about the porn... he needed to vent somewhere and chose to do it to his ex.

If however the account was started before you weren't getting on, then that's a different story...

You quite clearly love this guy, otherwise you wouldn't be hurting so much.

PLease put this issue to bed it's just not worth the grief caused to the both of you... he clearly also loves you, don't throw it away because of a bit of porn.

[Ren6]

I'm with Orphan;
Lots of people look at porn. Unless he's addicted to it (and you state this is not the case), it doesn't mean he finds you unattractive. A lot of couples find that porn enhances their sex life.

I'm torn about the secret email. The fact that it is secret means that he wanted to hide it from you. If he was really going to contact an old flame, this is the thing I would be upset about. I suggest that the two of you go to couple's counseling. If you really love this guy and want to marry him, to need to get all of this out on the table, with a professional. He or she can help you hash out the differences between you, and help the two of you to learn how to communicate in a healthy way.

I wish you the best...

[trulytrying]

Wow. Thank you all. Some real stuff to think about.
He and I both believe that it is a betrayal--in the spirit of the matter. So, he said he'd be upset with me if I did the things he did, and would also question our relationship. He is quite sorry.
For the record--
I had permission to go into his email box--he had asked me to transfer some stuff for him to his other business acct. That's when I saw that "congratulations on your new gmail account". He didn't anticipate that being in there. When I asked him about it he told me the truth--that it didn't look like we were going to make it through this struggle and he wanted to talk with her. It was a "just in case" kind of thing. I appreciate his honesty--even though that was sneaky and premature. Before all that secret email stuff happened--He told me about the porn stuff when I asked him--because I was having jealous feelings and I didn't know where they were coming from--so he admitted it before I ever saw anything about it (pretty brave and honest) I did give him a hard time for several weeks about it--thus the secret email.. when I looked in his gmail web history (mistake--wrong) and actually SAW what he looked at--That really hurt. Nothing instructional (I wish it were) but just beautiful women--naked. That was just plain lust. It is what it is though isn't it? Is it worth giving up on him? I don't know. I need to heal and not make a decision like that while I'm overwhelmed with emotion. He's told me the truth when I've asked him and that's amazing. I do love him so. How can I NOT take it personally? When we agreed on the way we want to conduct our relationship--and he breached that. I have to examine WHY it hurts me so much too--there is a real issue there that I would love to root out--I think I'd be much more comfortable in my own skin. Thank you for helping me work though this. Sincerely--I thank you. I cannot talk with anyone in my regular life about it--for his privacy's sake.
So thank you again. I do feel better and am learning from you folks. : )

[YeloDasy]

Good for you for wanting to look at why you feel so jealous and upset about it all. I do not think it has anything to do with you. (porn) He sounds like a man of honesty. I do not like that he ran to an ex "just in case." I had an ex call me to talk about his relationship, but NOT to get back together. It was pure friendship. So that does bother me. But it is workable if there is an agreement to move forward and make a commitment. I would suggest couples counseling to help you learn to resolve these issues together, so when you do get married, you understand each other better and feel more confident in the relationship on both parts.

[Ren6]

When I was very young, I felt that porn was a betrayal. Age 19, to be exact. Now, I know that men are visual creatures, and many women, too. I don't know how old you folks are, but it's not the betrayal you think it is. I really believe that some porn is a sexual enhancer.

With that said, I still think you'd both benefit from some couples counseling. You've lost weight, struggled with your feelings, etc. I'd really look into it.

[singleman]

IF you guys really could get together and talk about it, and even as far as cousling if he can admit it. It can work but it has to be 50 50 negotations between the two of you. As far as I am concerned, once a EX comes into play. SERIOUS RED FLAG. They became EX's for a reason and who's to say he won't do that to you. Just try to be as positive as you can. Exercising helps tramendously !

[0rphan]

Hi trulytrying,

I'm so glad that you have found some relief from this site... that's what we're all about,however I do think you have a self confidence issue.

May be you have been dumped on before... lied to, deceived, maybe criticized about the way you look, your body... or what ever it may be, it's obviously left a scar.

It could be that you are consciously un-aware on a daily basis until a situation arises which then puts you on the defensive.

Perhaps there is something in your childhood or maybe you have been constantly put down for what ever reason... I'm just guessing here... I feel that you have no self worth, you need to love yourself, stop beating yourself up etc...

I have several friends who have their ex's for friends, rather than partners.When they were an item it never worked which seems to be the case once all the ing has finished.

If asked... would they get back together, the answer is always most definitely not.

This seems to apply to divorced couples, partners, boy/girlfriends, in fact across the board.

They'd been together the chemistry wasn't there... end of story, but they remain friends.

You need to pick yourself up.. you have a guy that truly loves you for who you are... hang on to him.

Try and start eating properly, pamper yourself a bit, get dolled up, the whole works... makeup hair maybe a new outfit.

Ok so you may not feel like it... make an effort, you need to keep your man interested, maybe have a girly night out... it's all about gaining confidence... a spray of your favourite perfume, to add the final touch...

Off you go and have a good night

[kitty unrest]

Recognizing your emotions is the first step to truly understanding them. Don't try and abolish them because they are a part of you, you need to accept them and not them control you. You control you.

I am in the same boat as you but with slightly different triggers. Try reading some material on self esteem or on improving you, the book store carries loads of material. And really, start telling yourself everyday that you are beautiful and worthy of love. Even if you feel silly and don't believe it, power of the mind is an amazing thing. Eventually you will believe it. And it is true, you have to be strong enough to accept it.

Try looking at some porn yourself when you're alone to see what it's like. Maybe you can get turned on or see it has nothing to do with a real reltaionship. Perhaps you can both one day enjoy it together.

For me, when I was young I found it impersonal and gross. But as I've gotten older I can appreciate it for what it is and I occasionally enjoy the odd video. Too much porn is still impersonal for me but I know that when I look at porn it has nothing to do with my relationship with my boyfriend. It's like having fast food instead of a well prepared meal.

[trulytrying]

okay--I'm crying now. Orphan and Kitty-thank you. I do have deep issues about infidelity... and self worth. I vacillate between a healthy attitude and an self loathing destructive one.
I have eaten twice today! Anorexia has never been an issue with me--I LOVE having weight on me! I hate being thin--it's just been that nothing has been appetizing and I've been too blue to eat or have the umph to fix anything for myself.
Here is an excerpt from the letter I wrote him after the first "incident"... the one after which he promised it wouldn't happen again--(but it did) and he was growing tired of being supportive and just started getting mad... just to give some background...

My letter:
I have a lot to overcome.
my view of men has been formed by experiences with them.
I've told you of situations where I have been touched, rubbed on and molested when I was 8--putting his penis where it ought not be etc.. to being touched in wrong ways when I was 10, to being forced to have sex, to having 2 married couples (on separate occasions) try to seduce me at age 16, to seeing at least 10 men expose their penises at me in public places, to having 2 different men (strangers giving me a ride) take out their penises and begin masterbating--one when I was 16 the other when I was 32, to having a peeping tom when I was 15 to my daughter having a peeping tom when she was 15 and a stalker also when she was 15, to my other daughter having a stalker at 13 to me having a stalker at 35---we have had to MOVE twice because of damn stalkers, to years of lustful eyes looking at me and my daughters ,to repremanding a married man that was seeking a prostitute on the street--the same street that my daughter has to walk to and from work on, to a stranger man coming into my bedroom and slowly walk toward me while I was in bed in the middle of the night when I was 12
(I woke up and sat up and he ran out of our house),to having a grown man friend of the family who watched me grow up from a little girl come on to me when I was 15, to finding my husband's hidden porno and his trist with a woman at work, to psychically seeing and hearing my boyfriend skrew another woman all weekend and then going and busting him--and he smelled like her vagina, to while being impregnated by a 23 year old when I was 15 and seeing hickies on his neck that I didn't put there, to a woman grabbing me and pulling me off an elevator into an apartment and begin to sexually abuse me when I was 16--i got away... to having a man grab and grope my breast near the restroom at a truck stop just a few years ago, to having a daughter who has been raped twice, to having a mother who has been raped, to being raped myself at age 17, to even more stories than this--one story after another of uncontrolled sexual lust, immorality and passions that I have experienced and witnessed continually from people. I have been betrayed by most everyone that has ever been important to me--except my Grandfather. And the world is full of its images plastered everywhere--there's no escaping them--and the girls and women flaunt and parade themselves.
but even the ones who don't flaunt--get looked at.
maybe you can see that my strong, difficult feelings come from
a lot more than just my experience with you.
it's been a rarity to see purity in a man.
I highly respect and value it.
Maybe you think I've had time enough to heal or to trust after 40+ years of seeing people do these kinds of things--even seeing my precious you do it with my own eyes.
End of letter.

Okay--so with all that--I have had it with people and their lust.
I am pretty and so are my daughters--that has just been a curse because men's eyes are just never full-they always want to look more and more. I had long hair all my life and 2 years ago I whacked it all off in an attempt to get men to stop oogling me. So now I've been dating this wonderful man for over a year... and after the first porn incident he promised not to do it again since I explained where my fierce rage comes from... but even after the sincere apologies and promises--he did it again... and again.
I know I have a lot of great qualities--and not just physically--I mean in the heart and head and spirit... but this thing has caused me to doubt all that and has just really messed with my mind. Can ANY man be PURE? Sheesh!
You guys are helping me to not take it so personally... and as
"ourpartner" said...

1. The porn is NOT about me. I am a fine and desirable woman.
2. I rejected him because his conduct was unkind and I deserve kindness and respect.
3. His conduct reflects upon his character, and not my worth as a woman.
Thank you for your help. I am truly trying to incorporate what you all are saying into my being as I believe you're really giving me sound advice. I "graduated" counseling--but I think maybe I should go for some more--for a deeper layer of wellness.
ugh.

[Gemini54]

TrulyTrying, I read your last post with extreme discomfort, and of course, it puts a whole different light on your original question.

The thing that struck me most was that you were able to enumerate each of the instances where you feel you'd been sexually abused, and secondly, that you see yourself and your daughters as a helpless victims of men's lust.

I can assure you that not all men are drooling, lust driven, adulterous, groping monsters. I promise you it's not true, and I'm sure the guys that post on this site will attest to that.
Nevertheless, for some reason that has been your experience, not once, not twice, but repeatedly until you have been left permanently scarred.

I hesitate to ask, as I don't want to offend you but - is there some part of you that believes you are unworthy of life and love?

Your personal situation is multilayered and extremely complex and I would suggest that you need to again seek professional counselling with someone experienced in dealing with sexual abuse. Yes, you must seek a deeper layer of wellness and uncover why your experience of men and sex has been so extremely negative, otherwise you will never be happy with yourself or in any relationship.

[0rphan]

Hi truly,

I can now see where you are coming from.

What dreadful thoughts going through your mind,not surprising considering the burden you are shouldering.

This explains why you went over board with your man and the porn issue,had you not had all of those experiences, the reaction would probably been much less intense.

In your mind you have categorized these abusers, when your man was caught looking at the porn your mind automatically slotted him in with the rest... you were unable to separate the two and they are completely different.

The abusers are disgusting excuses for human beings.. scum of the earth, and in my opinion should be wiped off it.

Your man is just a regular guy who like many others occasionally looks at porn... the norm

The most important thing here is the fact that he loves you.. for you... which is the main ingredient in a relationship... he's not from the past, that's gone... accept in your mind.

The fact that you can talk about your experiences is a good thing, nevertheless you know what happened and I am sure you do not wish to keep bringing those memories to the forefront of your mind.. constantly reliving the experience every time you feel threatened.

You need to change how your thought process works.

Unfortunately the memories are there, but that's gone... in the past,you cannot remain there... you must move foreword not allowing this shadow to cast itself over future years ahead.

I know this at first will be hard but I know you can do it.
To have survived in your life having suffered so badly, I can see that you have an inner strength.

I would like you to try C.B.T... cognitive theraphy behaviour..
Therapist ask you to talk about your past... which I don't think will help you.
To keep regurgitating the stories of your abuse, will be of no use... it's only if the person doesn't recognise their problem... you do need to talk.

C.B.T is all about here and now... on occasion they may ask you to relay a little of what caused this problem but in general, it's how it's affecting you now and how they approach it.

C.B.T can help you to change how you think (cognitive) and what you do because of that thought (behaviour).
These changes can make you feel much better about yourself unlike some of the other " talking treatments" it's focus is here and now and the problems and difficulties surrounding that,instead of focusing on the cause of your distress in your past.
It looks for ways to improve your state of mind now.

C.B.T is one of the most effective treatments, which if mastered correctly can change the way you feel physically and emotionally, which I feel is what you need now.

Make an appointment with your GP who can refer you to the relevant clinic (phycologist) who will be able to teach you how to apply C.B.T.

It does work but it takes perseverance on your part and patiences... please give it a try.

In the mean time, try and block your thoughts with an image.. could be anything, but something that makes you feel happy... maybe flowers or the beach... sandcastles... a happy moment in your life, you get the idea true don't you.

I hope this will help you to look foreword not back, it will not change a thing.

Memories will gradually fade in time if not constantly being dug up... let them lie.

Takecare

[trulytrying]

Thank you so very much for taking this time with me.
I will call my GP in the morning and see about a referral to
A Cognitive Behavioral Therapist... Is that what it would be called?
You are right--I did put him in with all those creeps.
That wasn't fair of me... he's NOT like them. We are waiting until marriage to have sex--I know that he is very attracted to me--very. The guy needs a release now and again I suppose. But if/when we are married--I'm going to (bleep) his lights out! And he won't have the strength to look at that stuff! : )
My daughters explained that to me--they said "MOM! He totally wants you! Cut the guy some slack--he needs a release since he has to wait til you guys are married! He's a wonderful man--
back the off! Don't be a hater!" I love my girls--they are so straightforward and have such good heads on their shoulders!
We've been through a lot together and they are--we are--very strong. I've just wussed out over this--and it has revealed a need for deeper healing. I'm ready to face it and do the work.
I hope to become a little more lighthearted about it. He's NOT like those men. He does love me. I don't have to take it personally.
Sigh.
Thank you so much for helping me with this. I do feel better.
I will go to CBT. It makes perfect sense. I didn't realize I put him in that category with the abusers--but that's exactly what I did. Oh my. Thank you so much.
Also, I've been able to purge with tears by reading your posts--your thoughtfulness, understanding,and guidance...
And realizing my issue more clearly--it's been good to cry with relief by being understood and by being given some direction instead of tears of grief and sorrow with seemingly no way out.
I thought I had left all that stuff behind--but I allowed his actions to bring it all back into the forefront again... compounding the issue with stuff that didn't belong.
Thank you again and again. : D indeed--thanks.

[Gemini54]

I am so glad to hear that the responses on this post have given you the opportunity to reflect and to decide to see your therapist again. Good luck and be happy.