[tigerhawk]

I am 29 years old I have been married of over eight years to a wonderful women who is 38. So if you do the math she is 9 years older then I am. We have three wonderful children 16 year old (my stepson) and 7 & 5 year old. Anyway about three weeks ago we took a trip to the caribbean, had a very wonderful time until the last night. We meet some people at the resort and on the last night a small group of guys were going to a strip club. My wife being somewhat of a party girl and has in the past attend strip clubs with me. Said she was feeling tired and just told me to go and have a good time. Now, go and have a good time is not code for anything like go find a stripper that you like and have some fun. NO, NO, NO, NO. So thinking nothing of it I leave with two of the other gentlemen that I had meet at the resort. I was gone for about an hour and twenty minutes. Another man who both my wife and I meet at the resort were still at the bar talking as I was waving goodbye. I had even given the man who happened to be from the UK a football shirt from the university that I had attended as a sign of please keep in touch it was nice to meet you. You know that sort of thing. Well when I get back to my room my wife is sitting on the couch and tells me with just the straightest face I have ever seen that her and this man had sex while I was away. Thinking that is was some kind of joke at that point in time. I quickly realized she was not kidding a million thoughts entered my head, very angry with myself for leaving the resort and leaving the door just wide open for another man to take advantage of my wife, pissed at my wife for playing me like a fool. Along with a bunch of others. It hasn't quit been three weeks since it actually happened. Like I said it was our last night there, when we returned home needless to say I had been giving her the cold shoulder. She won't keep her hands off me and all she is trying to do is tell me how sorry she is and that it was just a slip. I can't believe I am one of those people who is saying this but I love her, I love her very much she is the mother of my children and I don't even want to imagine life without her. That being said I don't want her to feel so calm about it around me. We have had sex since then but it was started by her and like I said in the opening I am 28 and I do still find her very attractive. All she says is that it was not planned it just happened, she told the people at the bar she was going to take a shower and after she had finished this man was knocking on our door. She opened it and he said something along the lines of do you need so help (help with what was my question what a stupid line, sorry sidetracked) anyway she says from there they went into the bedroom and had sex. I just don't know how to feel or what to do. Her family and my family think the world of her and I don't want to involve anybody else in our problems. It is just no matter what she says to me from telling me how much she loves me and how she only wants me, I can't help but feel I don't even know this person, and maybe I should have paid more attention to the signals if there even were any. The last thing that is just so crushing to me is that my wife was the first and only person I have ever been with sexual. It meant so much to her when I told her that, I did not hold anything in her past against her she is 9 years older of course she has been with some other men. I just feel like I have given her everything and received nothing in return.

Sorry so long any advice would be appreciated

[Survivor07]

Counseling would be a good place to start to find out why she did what she did and to help you forgive her and save your marriage.

She told you it happened, but, WOW, what a slap in the face.

It's going to take time and work. You're probably still in shock.

[none12345]

Cheating is hard to forgive, if you can't do that, I suggest you leaving her because if you don't there will be a lot of problems down the road and you won't want your childrent to experience it.

[liz28]

Cheating is hard to forgive but I don't understand how she was capable of doing so easy. I was in the shower and heard a knock at the door and who stands before me? The guy from the bar and he asked if I needed help? So I led him to the bathroom and we had sex. Sounds like something straight from a book I read the other day.

Counseling is in order to put this marriage back on track. Forgiving her is going be hard but you shouldn't beat yourself up for this because he would've known this was going happen.

[Gemini54]

I'm with Liz - why DID it happen so easy? Hell, why didn't she just tell him to p**s off?

Admittedly, she told you about it - immediately, in fact. Again, I have to ask why?

My bull-s**t radar is on high alert at the moment.

I'm really hearing your pain and confusion, but I suspect there may be something else much more serious behind this. And, clearly the fact that she behaved in this way has very serious implications for your marriage and the trust you have for her.

I'd back off from sex for a while and get to counselling - you need to talk about this with a trained mediator who can assist you to explore your relationship and the reasons behind her infidelity.

[none12345]

I'm with Liz - why DID it happen so easy? Hell, why didn't she just tell him to p**s off??

Admittedly, she told you about it - immediately, in fact. Again, I have to ask why?

My bull-s**t radar is on high alert at the moment.

I'm really hearing your pain and confusion, but I suspect there may be something else much more serious behind this. And, clearly the fact that she behaved in this way has very serious implications for your marriage and the trust you have for her.

I'd back off from sex for a while and get to counselling - you need to talk about this with a trained mediator who can assist you to explore your relationship and the reasons behind her infidelity.

I'd figured it never does happen so easily. It usually has been going on for a while now, no matter how simple it might be, from a flirt to a kiss and so on. Its just you didn't know till afterwards. He didn't even know until she told him. What else doesn't he know, that she hasn't told him yet?

[chuff]

That whole thing reads like she sent you to the strip club to get rid of you so she could have sex with him.

If she said she was going to take a shower at the bar, how exactly would he know the room number?

When you came back she just told you, coldly. She could have never said a word. She could have broke it gently. She was just cold. To me that says more then the act itself. I honestly get the impression she was out to hurt you.

I guess you have to determine what you want, but I see her behavior, not the cheating, just her behavior as a major problem. If she's going to cheat on you with a complete stranger, what's to stop her from doing it with someone she knows? I know it sucks to break up a marriage, but I have to wonder if punishing yourself with this emotional torture is worth staying with her. It will always be in the back of your mind.

[Romefalls19]

Wow, this sounds like something straight out of a 80's porn movie. There are a few things that alarm me about this issue here.

- She broadcast that she was getting a shower at a bar
- She was feeling tired, but stayed at the bar with a stranger
- She answered the door, right after a shower. No reason for her to answer the door(sorry women you may disagree with me on it)
- How did HE get YOUR room number?
- She told you like it wasn't a big deal
- Does she think she with you, makes up for sex with him?

Just a few problems I see with this. If you want to stay with her, counseling is your only option as letting something like this go, isn't going to work

[tigerhawk]

Wow, this sounds like something straight out of a 80's porn movie. There are a few things that alarm me about this issue here.

- She broadcast that she was getting a shower at a bar
- She was feeling tired, but stayed at the bar with a stranger
- She answered the door, right after a shower. No reason for her to answer the door(sorry women you may disagree with me on it)
- How did HE get YOUR room number?
- She told you like it wasn't a big deal
- Does she think she with you, makes up for sex with him?

Just a few problems I see with this. If you want to stay with her, counseling is your only option as letting something like this go, isn't going to work

Just for some clarification, the reason he knew or figured out our room is because, now keep in mind this is what she told me. You could see our balcony from the bar and she claims that she pointed over in the direction of our room and said my legs are very muddy I am going to take a shower to clean up, and that she would be back down and then this man figured out our room from where she had pointed at the bar. Does this sound crazy of course it does. However I have asked the same questions over and over again in a different ways. Also she says she was out of the shower and already dressed when he came to the door. I like I said I just don't know what to believe. She swears it was not planned which is I think the hardest part to believe since I was gone for such a short period and had never given her a specific time when I would be back. She claims that she was just very drunk and had been doing some smoking (which I was aware of) she claims that it was like a dream and that it was nothing great. To which I say to myself what else would she say, he was the best I have ever had and I will be thinking of him when I am with you, but I still enjoy being married to you. She just keeps saying to me it was only this one time and she has never done this to me in the past. She has even offered to take a polygraph test and told me that I can ask any question that I want. I don't know if that is a road that I can go down or even should can you tell me what you think.

[spitvenom]

Man I thought this was a thread about the fight. But yeah you didn't see this coming just like Hatton. My opinion and not knowing you or your wife I think this was planned. I don't know why I do but I think it was. I would never be able to get passed it and I love my wife. But cheating is a deal breaker drunk or not she didn't need to let someone in the room.

[tigerhawk]

Threads merged and edited. Please do not start another question, just confine your comments to this one

Thanks to all of you who have responded it is really very helpful I just wanted to answer some of the questions that people had from the last post. The one thing she keeps saying to me is I am the same person that you have always been married too, I just put myself in a horrible situation and made a bad & devastating mistake. I really don't have any clue what to say to that.

She swears it was not planned which is I think the hardest part to believe since I was gone for such a short period and had never given her a specific time when I would be back. She claims that she was just very drunk and had been doing some smoking (which I was aware of) she claims that it was like a dream and that it was nothing great. To which I say to myself what else would she say, he was the best I have ever had and I will be thinking of him when I am with you, but I still enjoy being married to you.

She just keeps saying to me it was only this one time and she has never done this to me in the past. Also I did bring up counseling and she was not super happy with the idea saying to me that I will not find out any major revaluations as to why she did it, basically she is saying to me the story I have told you is the truth and I don't have anything more to say or I am not going to tell you anymore then I already have. I don't know if that is a road that I can go down or even should can you tell me what you think.

[Romefalls19]

I think it was, as you provide more details I think these two had it planned from the start that night. A short time gone, and this deed happens? I wouldn't go down the lie detector path man, honestly. You have to take some time and clear your head. Think about 2 things.

1. Can you forgive her for this
2. Can you ever trust her again?

Those are the two biggest questions you have to think about

[chuff]

Also I did bring up counseling and she was not super happy with the idea saying to me that I will not find out any major revaluations as to why she did it, basically she is saying to me the story I have told you is the truth and I don't have anything more to say or I am not going to tell you anymore then I already have. I don't know if that is a road that I can go down or even should can you tell me what you think.

Total and complete 100% disrespect. You are the one she cheated on, You are the one she hurt, and you are the one she claims she's willing to make it to, and worst of all after having all this done, you are the one trying to keep this together and she won't go to counseling when she's the cause of all this.

My honest opinion is after reading that and what she's done she is for some reason that I can't tell you, trying to hurt you and perhaps trying to end the marriage herself but make you be the one to call it off so she does't have to take the "blame" for being the one to end the marriage.

[tigerhawk]

Man I thought this was a thread about the fight. But yeah you didn't see this coming just like Hatton. My personal opinion and not knowing you or your wife I think this was planned. I don't know why I do but I think it was. I would never be able to get passed it and I love my wife. But cheating is a deal breaker drunk or not she didn't need to let someone in the room.

Sorry about that man, speaking of which. What an kicking that was what a great weekend my wife cheats on me then I pay $60.00 to see manny beat the tar out the hitman.

[talaniman]

I have been married for more than 30 years, and if my wife did what yours did, she would be by herself until all my questions were properly answered, and she made me understand her very bad behavior.

Only then would I have enough facts to make a good decision.

The story I have told you is the truth and I don't have anything more to say or I am not going to tell you anymore then I already have

Thats all she has to say about it doesn't cut it, not with me any way. So I'm out of there.

I don't know if that is a road that I can go down or even should can.

No my friend, that's not a road you should want to go down, and if she can't understand your hurt, how can you understand her cheating?

[chuff]

I have been married for more than 30 years, and if my wife did what yours did, she would be by herself until all my questions were properly answered, and she made me understand her very bad behavior.

Only then would I have enough facts to make a good decision.

We could right another 20 pages of advice but nothing is going to top this.

[artlady]

It is difficult to forgive someone who is not being honest and who has an attitude about the entire situation.

She needs to make amends in the worse possible way and instead of doing that she is getting defensive and critical of you.

A slip is falling on a banana peel and breaking you foot.It is not an accident to strip off your clothes and have sex with another man.

The scenario she has painted sounds very false to these ears that have heard quite a lot of B.S. in their time.

I think you need to reevaluate your relationship and keep a close eye on your wife.
Do not confuse her confession with her sense of honesty.

Many times people confess because they can't handle the guilt.They are doing it to assuage their own bad feelings,not out of a sense of honor to their partner.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with Tal, no surprise there. Seriously, who the hell does she think she is to dictate what can and cannot be discussed! I know you are hurting but she continues to push at you(and me now) She is trying to make it seem like it was just a mistake. A mistake, leaving the toilet seat up(bad idea), not doing the laundry, spilling coffee on the floor and not telling her(another BAD idea) screwing another guy, well I think that is disrespectful, no class, and heartless. Alcohol involved or not, no reason to spread for another. Ah she has really pushed my buttons. Then to say no to counseling, sorry but this is where an ultimatum would come in, and as everyone knows I AM COMPLETELY against. But this type of betrayal, calls for it. I'd tell her, either we go to counseling or I'm moving out.

[liz28]

Your wife is doing what Jamie Foxx song says "blame it on alcohol". I have drunk liquor all the time (bar, restaurants, home, etc) where their was guys present (cute ones too) and I never cheated.

Your wife is making this affair all about her and doesn't seem resmoreful. You can't have an affair and just think a "I'm sorry" is going flush what she did down the toilet.

Since her actions doesn't surprise me her not wanting to go to counseling doesn't either. She doesn't care about what your going through she only cares about herself and wants you to sweep this affair under the carpet--don't.

She just wants you to forgive and forget but you can't do this for something like this. She isn't being completely honest and doesn't want to counseling but she is willing to use sex as a weapon because she knows you won't turn that down. Do as Tal said and leave until she is ready to be honest and for counseling. This would show you what type of person she is but don't be surprise if she turns the table on you and flip the script.

[artlady]

Your wife is doing what Jamie Foxx song says "blame it on alcohol". I have drunk liquor all the time (bar, resturants, home, etc) where their was guys present (cute ones too) and I never cheated.

Your wife is making this affair all about her and doesn't seem resmoreful. You can't have an affair and just think a "I'm sorry" is going flush what she did down the toilet.

Since her actions doesn't suprise me her not wanting to go to counseling doesn't either. She doesn't care about what your going through she only cares about herself and wants you to sweep this affair under the carpet--don't.

She just wants you to forgive and forget but you can't do this for something like this. She isn't being completely honest and doesn't want to counseling but she is willing to use sex as a weapon because she knows you won't turn that down. Do as Tal said and leave until she is ready to be honest and for counseling. This would show you what type of person she is but don't be suprise if she turns the table on you and flip the script.

Can't rep you Liz,had to spread the love but I totally agree.

That *I was wasted* thing is so lame in my book.

Some people think it is a get out of cheating free card and I just don't buy it.Clearly ,she wasn't so wasted that she was in a blackout as she was able to even remember the conversation.
This was so planned and to play it off like it is no big deal is just adding salt to the wound.