[drea46750]

I am a mom to 5 beautiful kids and am getting married June 20th of this year. My fiancé works as a truck driver so we can afford for me to stay home with the kids. I honestly don't know where to begin. Today is mother's day, and I wanted to commit suicide. I have great kids and I love them so much, but what is wrong with me. I get so depressed over the littlest things and never have anyone to talk to. So, I hold it in and it just keeps building up. I always feel like I 'm not good enough for anything. I have never harmed my children or mentally abused them. I can probably count on my fingers how many times I've even spanked them. But yet, sometimes I start getting feelings that they would be better off with out me. I fight with my fiancé over the stupidest things. I can never tell him how I'm feeling because it always turns into an argument. He thinks that by me wanting to discuss things that trigger my depression is me trying to point blame on him. I just need someone to talk to. After I almost downed a bottle of pills, I was so ashamed of myself that I didn't want to come home. I didn't want my kids to see me that way. What kind of person would do that? My kids would be so hurt, How would they feel if they knew that their mom wanted to kill herself, especially on mother's day. They would think it was their fault. How would my mom deal with that? I am such a selfish pathetic person. I am so lost and confused.

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to get professional help, do you have a clergy you can turn to.
Also in the US most areas have professional help that is based on what you earn.

[Gemini54]

It's REALLY important that you seek professional help.

Your fiancé is not your counsellor and should not be expected to help you with these sort of problems. He can support you, but it's not fair to expect him to help. Find someone to talk to that is objective and experienced in assisting people with depression.

Lots of people feel this way - counselling and medication can help hugely. It's vital that you get to the core of your problems and work through them.

Take the first step - for your children, for your partner and, most importantly for yourself.

[chuff]

Therapist Directory - Find a Therapist

You can seek out a doctor from the above site. Don't be ashamed to do it. If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't hesitate to see a doctor, so there is no shame in seeing one over a chemical imbalance or something else.

Have you told your husband it's this bad? Does he realize you have thoughts of suicide? Have you always felt this way, or just recently or just after the children were born? Can you trace back to when the depression started?

[IWHO]

It's easy to get overwhelmed taking care of 5 children with a finance on the road all the time... and having to deal with a wedding too... which should be one of the happiest days in your life... though the planning and arrangements can be exhausting also... I agree with the gentlemen above... seek out help... your clergy, your doctor, or a professional counselor... depression can be caused by all sorts of things... some we can talk through, some we need medication for... hormones change in women over the years and can cause all sorts of ups and down... and like Gemini said above, do this for YOURSELF... most importantly... you want to enjoy the lives of your children, and your new husband... seek help...

[chuff]

I am such a selfish pathetic person.

You know there is good selfish and bad selfish. I get the impression that you tied up with 5 kids, but you have to find a time during the day if you can to have time just for you. In that regard you can give yourself selfishness and be proud of it. I have a bunch of Tony Robbins CD's, which that alone, I'd recommend for daily mental health, and one thing he recommends is giving the first 30 minutes of your day to yourself. When you wake up go for a walk, and think of all the things you are grateful for. Right away that puts your mind in focus, and in a positive direction for 10 minutes. Then you breath in deeply and exhale for 10 minutes, and the last 10 minutes you focus on what you will do for the day. It sounds cheesy but man whenever I do it I feel great, and whenever I don't I tend to lose focus. We have a tendency to give to everybody, but never to ourselves. But if you never refuel mentally and emotionally, you always run on fumes. I still think you should see a doctor but try that for the next two weeks and just see if you feel better at all.