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starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 05:18 AM

Hi Everyone,

My question for all is does flirting lead to cheating? And when is flirting going too far?

Any thoughts?

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 05:21 AM

Nope, flirting doesn't lead to cheating and I believe flirting goes to far when the boundaries that the two people in a relationship discussed are pushed too far. It's not limited to any one thing, it could be a simple hug from a guy at work, to a friend talking about boinking him

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 05:25 AM

I agree with you, Rome. I think because of myself and my insecurities, I sometimes feel that when my man flirts he would rather be with them. It's horrible to make such an assumption, I know, and I will need to seriously work on this if I want to continue the relationship.

NeedKarma · May 6, 2009, 05:27 AM

Nah, I flirt all the time and haven't considered getting physical with anyone I flirt with.

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 05:28 AM

Trust me Star, I understand completely. Sometimes my insecurities come back in raging force, I just try to ignore it and hold it inside until I can get to the gym. I find myself every once and awhile getting worried that a guy is flirting with her at work, but I try to push that out of my head to the best of my ability. Fighting insecurities is a constant battle, I equal it to trying to run up a hill in mud, no matter how much progress you make, you still feel as though your stuck in place.

kctiger · May 6, 2009, 05:29 AM

Flirting is a fun thing to do. I also think it is relative. Some consider merely talking to girls, or laughing with them as a form of flirting. It is almost as if socializing with the opposite sex has become flirting and not just kind hearted interaction. The only thing that lead to cheating is your actions, and nothing else.

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 05:31 AM

I agree with KC, but also think that sometimes the flirting can get out of hand. I mean I've seen girls with boyfriends indulge into conversations about the girl and a guy flirting with her at work, having sex. To me that's crossing a line

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 05:32 AM

Excellent analogy, Rome. Yes, stuck in the mud is how I feel a lot of the time. My boyfriend said to me last night, basically Sh&^ or get off the pot with regards to my insecurities and lack of trust, etc. He said these are 'your' (meaning my) issues, not his, and he had an epiphany. That I need to get all the negative fearful stuff out of my head, know to trust him, or else he is gone.

kctiger · May 6, 2009, 05:37 AM

There is obviously a line that can be crossed. Certain topics shouldn't be touched, in my opinion. Sometimes you have to be aware of what it is that is coming out of your mouth and who you are with. Certain people obviously have a problem with that.

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 05:39 AM

Yeah, it sucks when they reach their breaking point. I try to write down my insecurities in a book I have, it's a way to get out what I feel without slamming my fiancé with the stuff everyday. Like yesterday and today, it put me in a bad mood that my fiancé is having these friendly conversations with her ex's mother. It may seem trivial but with everything that they put her through, having these conversations bother me. I look at it as a way for her ex to try and weasel his way back into her life and his mom to talk about her ex to her. It's stupid and trivial but still bothers me, but she doesn't have any clue

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 05:58 AM

You know, Rome? My boyfriend just said to me on the phone that he needs me to write down all of the 'questions' that I would normally ask him (the ones for reassurance) and have the therapist answer them/address them with me. My boyfriend can't and won't answer them for me anymore.

Romefalls19 · May 6, 2009, 06:25 AM

Honestly, that's not a bad idea. An outside opinion will really help with how you look at certain things. I write down things all the time, usually for my own sanity, you can spend hours worrying about what might happen, but if you have a good spouse then it won't happen. That's how I look at it, I know my fiancé won't cheat on me so the questions that I want to ask her, I ignore because they are my issues and my insecurities.

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 06:29 AM

Beautifully put Rome! That is what I need to start doing. Thank you!

About the flirting, the other day we were at a party, and he walked over to a girl that he used to work with and put his arm around her, and said something (I'm not sure what) in kidding. Well because I was standing talking with someone else at the moment, that is when he did this. I almost freaked! He said he didn't mean anything by it, and that he was just being fun, no harm at all.

liz28 · May 6, 2009, 06:34 AM

First of all, I looked up the word, flirting, and two definitions came up. In the first instance, flirting is defined as, "playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest". In the second occurrence, the definition of the word is, "to behave amorously without serious intent, to show superficial or casual interest".

The truth of the matter is that flirting can be a harmless interaction between friends or acquaintances.

There is an invisible boundary when it comes to flirting. When the line is crossed, it will be obvious. Flirting can lead to cheating.

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 06:41 AM

Hi Liz,

Thank you for that. I feel too that if a line is crossed, that it could lead to cheating also.

jmw0713 · May 6, 2009, 06:46 AM

It depends on how far the flirting goes. For example, a little flirting one night at the bar or club is one thing. At the end of the night, the two people part ways and life goes on.

There are the times when flirting is started and one party, or both, choose to take it to the next level, "friendship". One thing I can almost guarantee with a certainty is, most (greater than 60% IMHO) guy and girl friendships start because there is an initial attraction felt by at least one of the two parties.

I put friendship in quotations because there are different kinds of friendly relationships. There are the kind of friendly relationships where you call your pal up every so often and ask them to go to the movies, ball game, or bar. You are buddies. Flirting happens, but it stays on a level where the connection with each other does not get deeper.

Then there are the kind of "friendly" relationships, where one party, or both, have ulterior motives to forging the friendship. The flirting continues and the connection gets deeper. If the connection gets so deep, that either of the two parties starts to neglect other more serious relationships they are involved in, then you reach the realm of what is called emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is NOT physical. It is purely mental and emotional. It is when one person feels a deeper connection with someone else other than their significant other. This is just as bad (again IMHO) as physical cheating.

It takes time for it to get this far, but it happens more often than people like to think. This is when insecurities and jealousy tend to enter the more serious relationships, because the people involved in them notice a change in behavior and feel the emotional neglect and distance between them and the emotional cheater.

Now I'm not going to say that people cannot be best friends and be really close. I can not determine the boundary that is crossed that concretely defines when emotional cheating starts (it's different for everyone and every relationship). I can tell you, it does happen because I experienced this myself in my last relationship. It all started as flirting. Then her and her "friend" (who was a guy and who was trying to get with her), started to hang out all the time, many times exclusively. She would start telling him things about our relationship and about herself that were very private. Nothing ever happened physically between them, as far as I know, but the emotional drain made itself apparent in our relationship. It was almost like he was her "other boyfriend" with the exception of the physical intimacy.

I believe in some cases (more than everyone may think), that yes flirting can lead to cheating. People flirt with each other because at least one of the two people engaging in the flirting has some sort of initial attraction to the other.

One other thing to add to that is, both people have to be willing participants in order for emotinal cheating to occur (just like physical cheating). I have many girl friends. That's all we are, because both of us do not want anything more from each other. Now if it happens that we both wanted the samething out of the relationship we have, then it moves forward. This is also a good example of why ex's cannot be friends. Someone always want more out of the relationship than the other.

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 06:50 AM

Here is an interesting link about flirting:

10 Signs of Flirting: How to Read Body Language and Unspoken Signals from Potential Mates | Suite101.com

Lonelyandbroken · May 6, 2009, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

You know, Rome? My bf just said to me on the phone that he needs me to write down all of the 'questions' that I would normally ask him (the ones for reassurance) and have the therapist answer them/address them with me. My bf can't and won't answer them for me anymore.

I've been in this situation. My ex has issues. Weight how she looked etc. And it got to the point that I felt that she was needing me to fix them for her. I was with her so it wasn't a big deal to me.

So she put on a few lbs. I never said she was fat and I would tell her to not call herself fat etc. B/c she wasn't feeling good about herself it projected onto me. She started to get jealous and things like that. I told her that I can't fix these things for her that I can only be there with her. That she had to look inside herself and address these issues. Only she know's how to make herself feel better.

starlite1 · May 6, 2009, 07:05 AM

Hi Lonely,

That is EXACTLY what he is saying to me! What happened though? Why did you guys break up? I have to read your OP again.

inertia · May 6, 2009, 07:09 AM

I'll put it this way. If a girl (who has a boyfriend) is flirting with me, I think she isn't satisfied. I can smell those cheating vibes on them. I have yet to really be wrong about it. That's why when my ex flirted, I didn't think it was harmless. I'm not talking about being friendly, joking or smiling at guys. I'm talking about the flirting. When I'm in a relationship, I don't flirt with other girls. I'm a crazy flirt when I'm single.