[NJ22]

Hello,

I have been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. We have grown very close as you could imagine and the relationship goes deeper than just her and I. It reached out to her family and friends. We never fight but we do have discrepancies, but we never go to bed mad! So I though things were great. We dated through college and last year at this time she wanted me to move with her to a location where she just got a job out of school (I am a year older). I surprisingly found a job in the area and left what I had behind. It was a mutual choice and one that I thought meant a lot. She always told me I was the one and told everyone else that too. Now just a few weeks ago out of nowhere she asked me how I knew we were suppose to be together? At this time I knew and was planning to propose to her this week... I had it all planned out because Thursday was our anniversary of 4 years. I would have proposed sooner but I wanted to make sure she got settled in the new area and had her job in order before I made her crazy.. but knowing I knew she wanted to be together. Now weeks before I propose she asks me this and now wants to take some time apart (but not break up)? This all happened in March and it has been about 6.5 weeks. We had been living together for almost a year (but stayed together most of the previous two years through college). So almost three years. We always had a lot of LOVE and I never saw this coming? I spoke with her family and they all said the same thing that she had told them I was the one many of times (but does not vocalize wit them either). Her sister was throwing hints at her about engagement rings (because I asked her too) and she said I am not sure if I am ready to her one night. That is what sparked all of this. Now I have just moved out with a friend close by to give her that space she wants and I am trying to not contact her as much as possible (its tough as I am sure you all know). I, more than anything in the world, want to be with her because it doesn't seem right to end this way? It was out of nowhere and she says it is nothing about me, just that she needs time to know she can do everything on her own.. no guys intended. But I still feel like this is odd because she tells me she doesn't understand it? She still tells me she loves me when she sees me and will give me a hug and kiss, but she doesn't feel ready right now after being ready the last 4 years? We were looking at houses weeks before this came up? It was a shock and I am taking it pretty bad? Any thoughts on the situation? I ran this a little long for sake of detail, but there is more to explore on if someone would be willing to chat?

[Triysle]

Are you sure that this was completely out of the blue? A long-term relationship won't end without some sort of reason. Maybe she was scared when you started dropping hints about more commitment, and maybe when you started spending time apart she had a chance to think about what she wanted more.

I know that the situation is hard, but it sounds to me like you are in a bit of denial here. You said the relationship was great and that there was a lot of love, and you mentioned all the things that her friends said to you, but you didn't mention what she said to you.

Take a step back and try to objectively evaluate the situation. If you two are taking a break, it's not just for her to figure things out; you have a chance to sort yourself out now as well. Don't spend the entire time beating yourself and feeling like you don't deserve this. It doesn't matter why she feels the way she feels right now; all that matters is that she is confused about her emotions, and needs time to sort things out on her own.

Trust me, if you put too much pressure on her right now, you're going to push her away even more. Give her time and space, and if she really wants to make things work with you, she will. Have confidence in yourself, and realize that you shouldn't want to be with someone unless they want to be with you as well!

~ Tee

[NJ22]

It may have come off wrong here but things were always great and she always told me she loved me. I honestly never suspected this? I understand her needing space, but she always talked about getting a home together, having two kids, and so on. I feel that she got a job with some new younger friends and there is some pressure to go out and be single. I am not controlling and would allow this if we were togther or not? I know it is not over, but I want to make the right decisions while I still have a chance. The basic answer she told me was that she is not ready right at this moment for marriage so she needs to take a step back and be sure, because she like me doesn't believe in divorce. So I look at it as she is putting our future in perspective and she has been great to me through this entire thing. She is just not willing to discuss with me and tell me where this came from? Does that provide more detail to help me?

[Triysle]

It may have come off wrong here but things were always great and she always told me she loved me. I honestly never suspected this? I understand her needing space, but she always talked about getting a home together, having two kids, and so on. I feel that she got a job with some new younger friends and there is some presure to go out and be single. I am not controlling and would allow this if we were togther or not? I know it is not over, but I want to make the right decisions while I still have a chance. The basic answer she told me was that she is not ready right at this moment for marriage so she needs to take a step back and be sure, because she like me doesn't believe in divorce. So I look at it as she is putting our future in perspective and she has been great to me through this entire thing. She is just not willing to discuss with me and tell me where this came from? Does that provide more detail to help me?

If she is not willing to discuss it with you, then that probably means she isn't exactly sure how she feels, or she does know but she wants to avoid a confrontation or hurt your feelings.

Look, if you two can't openly communicate about your problems now, what good do you think you'd be for each other if you were married, and even worse if you had kids? Sometimes we all need time to ourselves to figure things out and realize what we really want, but if she cared about you and wanted to make it work she would include you at some point in her thoughts.

I'm not saying you should get mad at her, or go dump her right away. I'm just saying that you need to start preparing yourself for a permanent break up, and start getting your own life in order outside of what you think she wants. Figure out yourself right now. It doesn't matter what you talked about before; what matters is that she is not willing to talk right now. Don't pressure her about things she's said before, because it's pretty obvious that she's had somewhat of a change of heart.

~ Tee

[NJ22]

Tee,

I totally understand what you are saying. I think the change of heart is just so she can have the final time to herself and decide if she misses me... which she constantly tells me she does, but the time is the only way for her to be 100 percent sure about marriage. I have spoken to her brother in law (she has been staying with them the last couple weeks) and he said he tried to find out a little info and she said she is unsure about marriage not about loving me. She needs time and would want to see me and hang out down the road once she calms down a bit. Now I know you are going to say just give her time, but I felt a little betrayed because we always knew mutually that we would be together... thats why I say this is out of the blue. We were a great team and we always had open communication... this is the first instance where we don't. Besides just giving her the space how else can I still let her know I love her and am her for her without smoothering her? I want to make good decisions now because I feel that we were meant to be... I really believe that. This isn't a love hate thing it is more of a soul search thing? What do you think?