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positively01 · Sep 22, 2006, 02:05 PM

I need some information on dealing with a person who is extremely compulsive and has extreme boundary issues.

She is my younger sister. I took care of my mother at home for two years after she had a stroke. She passed away a couple of years ago, and at that time, I invited my younger sister to move back home, since she was in a very bad situation living in another state, and I knew it would be answer to my mother's prayers for my sister and me to be reconciled.

My sister has a long history of drugs, alcolhol and jail time. She's been sober for three years, but she is making my life miserable with her hateful attitude, manipulative ways, compulsive, incessant talking and getting into my things (knows no boundaries).

How do you deal with a person like this short of just kicking them out. I'm afraid to confront her, because she has a terrible temper. She has been a source of much pain for many, many years (35+). I am now 62, and she is 53.

I would appreciate some advice.

talaniman · Sep 25, 2006, 02:02 PM

Well you did ask her back in your life. First set boundries and stick to them and you must overcome your fear and confront her when she oversteps into your space, bad temper not with standing. I would make myself unavailable for any tirades or rants, not just sit and take it as this will only invite more of the same. It is up to you to inforce the rules of your house and not to do so would be a shame and you only have yourself to blame for her walking all over you.

positively01 · Sep 25, 2006, 02:14 PM

You are absolutely right. My sister is somewhat of a bully, and basically, in my option, most bullies are cowards.

I'm afraid her life "on the streets" has made her rather cold-hearted, self-centered and overbearing.

Of course, I know that it is totally up to me to stand up to her. However, when I do stand up to her, she backs down, but I'm left totally wasted.

talaniman · Sep 25, 2006, 09:00 PM

but I'm left totally wasted.

GET your rest and get ready for round two. I suspect this is a never ending battle.

marshbog7 · Oct 18, 2006, 07:48 AM

I suggest playing the same game she plays , tell her your busy doing other stuff when she invites you out, use your weakness to drive her away, lie to her when she confronts you about things and every time she catches you out , tell her the only reason you lie is because your scared of her temper. Keep doing it, it drives them to the point of thinking they are the ones in charge when they have had enough of the lies.

valinors_sorrow · Oct 21, 2006, 04:41 PM

Get some locks-- for your stuff, for your room. Learn to walk away while she is talking after you give her a polite two minute warning to wrap it up. And remind yourself she is sick but it is NOT your fault. Get really really consistent in your behavior, and never ever threaten unless you are prepared to back it up without hesitation. Love means telling truth (but not a brutal truth, okay?) and not being in the "crap business" (in other words, don't give it and don't take it either since its really bad either direction)-- remind yourself of this often. The thing is first you have to retrain YOU, then you have to retrain her. Fortunately and surprisingly, the second part is the easiest!

Fr_Chuck · Oct 21, 2006, 04:56 PM

Set boundreis and rules, and sadly if she can't live by the rules, your life and your safety is more importatnt than being close to a sister.

The ideas of locks on your room and the such is also a good idea.

And yes also true love means having sometimes to kick them out and letting them hit rock bottom so they will finally get help.